Sometimes God makes Himself very clear to us and this morning was one of those times.  The last two mornings after I had finished my devotions and writing this blog, I’d settled into working on the testimony I’m giving at the McCall church this coming Sunday.  Of course, I want to do this well and I want it to be written sensitively knowing there’s likely to be all ages present.  So, I want it worded carefully so as we say in Celebrate Recovery, no graphic descriptions.  Working on this always has its side effects.  I tend to stay in that mode of thinking which brings me to a level of anxiety inside that I try to hide and do away with.  I have simply chalked this up to reliving my past and it will pass in time.

Last night was step study night with the guys I meet with for Celebrate Recovery.  We are into the lessons on spiritual inventory prepping for doing the inventory.  The questions being answered are all about what is causing the hurt in your past life so I was once again reliving it.  By the time I got home last night I was quite raw inside.  I was tempted to withdraw yet again which I know is not a good thing.  This morning as I was journaling and asking God what He wanted me to know from Him today, He said he wanted me to remember that He is All Knowing.  He is the one who judges when the time comes.  People are not judging me–I am.  Every time I step into working on my story or reliving events in it I get most anxious about being judged.  However, I had recognized the trigger is my judging myself.  I know why I only told once that the abuse was happening and I know why I never stood up to dad when he was so cruel yet I judge myself for being weak.  God went on to say I need to praise myself for being willing to complete the assignments He’s giving me to share my story.  So, in all humility, I tell you this morning that I told myself–“Good job, you are making God and me proud by doing His assignments so well.”

All this seems like an odd thing to be writing today.  But, I must confess, it does make me feel much stronger.  Thanks for letting me share this with you today.