Today is a celebration day in the house where Kathy and I are visiting.  There is going to be a baby shower and the grandma for the baby has gone all out in making the house “cute”.  As I look around me all I see is pink this and that.  The kitchen is filled with all kinds of “goodies” that no one can touch yet (except when Kathy and her sister are in the other room and I can sneak something)!  I’ve only been to a couple baby showers in my life because we men don’t usually get invited, yet I’m told I will not be alone today so we will see.

Last night Kathy and I went to the home of the couple that introduced the two of us a little over 34 years ago.  She use to teach for me.  I’ve talked about them and this story of introduction in my book.  It was fun to give them a copy of the book last night and personalize a note to them in the front of it.  It reminded me all over again how good God is and how important it is to trust Him and those He brings around you.  This couple knew me better than I knew myself and even though I’d told them “no” to meeting Kathy for almost a year, they had her come to their house with her thinking she was meeting me with my excitement and permission.  Little did she know the truth of this.  Yet, all these years later I have nothing but thanks for their faithfulness in following through.  Somehow they knew we were meant for one another.  They were right–I did need her and the grace she gave to me when I really didn’t know much about this Godly characteristic in relationships.

The devotional Every Day in His Presence’s title for today is “The Purpose of Brokenness”.  It talks to the way God relentlessly continues to bring out our brokenness to us until we learn to depend on Him with it rather than hide it within self thinking it is what (I) we must do.  It was Kathy who relentlessly worked with God to show me I could take the risk to trust God and man in revealing all I thought must be hidden.  My freedom today started with them:  God and Kathy.  They were the two who first completed James 5:16 for me:  “Confess to God, yourself and someone you trust….”  I will always be grateful for these two and for the couple that brought Kathy and me together.  This journey to actual freedom that now continues today began some 34 years ago with God using these great servants called friends.

OK, now that this is written–it is back to making the house “baby-shower ready!”

So, I have to confess something this morning.  First of all let me say that Kathy and I are visiting a relative out of state.  When we were talking last night I was asked how my blog is doing.  I said it was going ok I thought.  I was then told that they hadn’t looked at it for about a week but they would be again.  They also said it was hard to like a blog post because you have to take several steps to do such a thing with the provider of the blog I’m using.  I wanted to write this because the very first thought that entered my mind was to get rid of the blog I had done Wednesday morning listing the progression of confessions I’ve done in my journey the past 8 years with the help of PTSD therapy, counseling and the work of Celebrate Recovery.  I thought–I’ll get rid of it before anymore see it and I reduce the chance of getting judged.

In my devotional time this morning the thought hit me again because I always do the blog once I’ve finished my devotions.  As I got to the journaling part of my devotions I asked Jesus what He wanted me to know from Him today which I do each morning.  His response was immediate.  He told me He didn’t want me changing anything from my blog posts removing His work in my life.  Interestingly, He went on to say that instead of “fearing this” as I had posted yesterday, He wanted me to thank Him for the chance to tell others what a magnificent Savior and Lord He is.  Not only does He save us from our sins, but with the help of His Holy Spirit He empowers us to share what our human nature always wants to hide.  He said to use my steps as guides for others to do the same regardless of their struggles with sin nature.  When we can take the step to share with others the very struggle kept secret, that is part of the healing within and also when the freedom from its bondage takes place.

So, OK, that’s my confession and I won’t be changing anything from any post.  This journey I’m on is going to remain honest and thorough with Christ as my Guide and His Holy Spirit as my empowerment.  Now that all of this is written, I do pray for anyone reading this who may be struggling to bring out in the open what may be imprisoned within.  God is loving and faithful, what He has done and is doing for me, He will do for you.  There was a gospel song called “It Is No Secret” which was popular when I was in high school.  The words of the chorus were:  “It is no secret what God can do.  What He’s done for others, he’ll do for you.  With arms wide open He’ll pardon you.  It is no secret what God can do.”   Believe this–it is true.  God bless you.

Have you ever been on a journey where FEAR was so present you kept stopping thinking this must be a mistake or you wouldn’t feel the way you do?  I have been paralyzed by fear many, many times in my life’s journey.  My growing up years taught me how to live in the future by fantasizing in my mind.  Somehow, in my adult years, when I thought I could just step out of that habit of living, I would do so and live in the present.  It isn’t that simple.  The character defect I’d developed was so embedded into habit, I didn’t even realize I was doing it.  Today, however, I’m much more awake to this.  I even sense fear as it begins to try and influence me.

This morning in my devotions there was much being said about fear.  In fact my Bible reading was stating over and over again God’s directives to the Israelites to not fear.  This was God’s message delivered by Moses in Deuteronomy.  I AM WITH YOU.  In every regard of their living God was telling them to not fear.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve needed to learn and relearn this truth–God is with me.  In Celebrate Recovery the very first principle is about denial–stepping out of denial.  I was in total denial about how much fear gripped me and influenced me regarding so many things in my life.  I can honestly say this is far less true for me now.

Writing yesterday’s blog and stating the 6 facts was fear invoking yet I needed to tell the truth of me and what God is doing to grow me out of this fear.  I told my share group this in Celebrate Recovery last night.  The beautiful thing I am learning is the consequence of honest sharing in spite of fear.  There is no judgment or condemnation in being obedient to God’s nudging.  Even if there were an attack of Satan or man with judgment, God’s armor told about in Ephesians 6 will shield us.  I love this truth and want to live in complete honesty from this day forward.  No more secrets and no more paralysis in what I do from fear.  Praise God.

My Bible reading in my devotional time each morning has me presently in Deuteronomy.  I’m about to finish this book and the Israelites will soon be headed into the “promise land” by crossing the Jordan River.  They have been on this journey for 40 years.  All the adults who left Egypt have died except for Moses, Caleb and Joshua.  Moses is giving them his final direction that he received from God and then he will die with only Caleb and Joshua going in with the multitude.  The sad part of this journey is that it was sheer disobedience that kept the first generation of Israelites from entering.  Upon entering they would have found God’s power revealed destroying all the ones they feared would be too powerful for them.  So, what does this have to do with my personal journey?

This morning the key word for me is obedience.  There are some things to fear when man begins to truly address with God what He tells us to do in order to find His freedom from our hurts, hang-ups and habits (as Celebrate Recovery categories them).  For me, the most difficult obedience has been the part that includes man.  One example is James 5:16 that states our need to confess to God, to self, and to someone we trust.  Well, that someone is a man.  For me, this confessing started with telling man:

1. I was abused
2. The abuse was from a homosexual brother
3. My father also emotionally and physically abused me
4. I haven’t repeated any of these behaviors
5. I have homosexual thoughts
6. I’ve used pornography (even gay)

It has taken me 8 years to unravel telling all these realities of myself to man.  I started with the first one but it took all these years to get to the most personal one which shames me the most.  Yesterday I was sharing with one of my accountability men and he said for him it is sheer pride that keeps him from confessing what I put above.  He isn’t ready to admit all of this to the men in his life.  He fears judgement and condemnation just as I have always feared.

It is amazing to me that we can have a Bible, thick with pages that tell the consequences of man’s obedience and disobedience to God and yet we don’t learn to step out of disobedience when it comes to the personal obedience God asks us to take.

OK, so Joshua is almost ready to take the lead for the Israelites.  In a few more chapters, Moses will pass the baton to him.  It is at this time that Joshua makes one of his most treasured quotes to the Israelites:  “But if you refuse to serve the Lord, then choose you this day whom you will serve….  But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”  Joshua 24:15  It has taken me a lot of years to come to this point of genuine obedience to God.  In fact, it isn’t a one time event, I have to choose daily to be this honest.  But, I will say, the freedom from sharing truth has the most rewarding intrinsic gratification.  That’s the freedom I’m after.  To God be the glory!

There was something significant in my devotions this morning that shouldn’t be a new revelation to me, but it did hit me as though it were new for the first time.  It started with the awareness that my significance to God isn’t through anything I do, but entirely on His work:  His creation of me (us), His sending His Son Jesus to pay the price for our (my) sin, and His Gift of The Holy Spirit given to each of us as we (I) accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior.  So what is new about this?  Well, what hit me this morning is the reality that everything I do for Christ is done through the Holy Spirit’s guidance in my life and the manner for which I do it should be done as Christ modeled for us in how He lived His life.

As I have stated many times, I thought I needed to find importance in my life.  Dad would say things like, “I need to kill that spirit of yours,” and “Good night, you act like you’ve never seen a tool like that before.”  I just wasn’t good at the things dad was and he let me know it.  Somehow I needed to remedy this problem by being overly good at other things.  In so doing, I got it in my head (probably through Satan’s deception) that I needed to do whatever I did well, and hopefully man would see that I am worthwhile.  Yet, all this time, God was wanting me to know that He only wanted me to do anything I did just for Him.  He already loved me.  Nothing I did was going to earn His favor, I already had it.  These aren’t new truths, but for some reason, this morning, the lights clicked on with the reality of their truths. An example of this is that I don’t write this daily blog so someone will notice me or read the book I wrote.  I do this blog so anything I write will lead one to the Christ I serve.

Now the last reality that hit me is the simple fact that when Christ came, His only purpose was to lead us (you and me) to God the Father.  All He did He did out of obedience to God’s leadership in His life.  He knew it wasn’t what He did that made Him loved by God, He already knew God’s love for Him.  God, this morning, emphasized this for me.  He already loves me.  I tear up just typing this.  This same truth is not new, and it’s not new for you.  He already loves you.  May all you and I do today be to the honor of this glorious God we serve.

I need to spend another blog moment talking about the saga of last week and the weekend.  If I’ve ever needed to awaken to a character defect in me, it is that “I can do this,” “I must do this.”  This desperation thinking has been instilled in me from the time my abuse started and I couldn’t tell anyone.  I would be strong and endure it for when it finally ends I will be free and can live the rest of my life without it.  I use to think this all the time when I was growing up both about my brother’s sexual abuse and about my dad’s emotional/physical abuse.  Now I am under 2 months away from turning 66 and I am still waiting for the freedom to happen.  This is because the actual abuse from my childhood turned into Satan’s lies and deceptions as I stepped away from those childhood/teenage years.  I really appreciate the spiritual warfare prayers I mentioned yesterday.  They awaken in me the need to pray through the conscious, subconscious and unconscious beliefs that are the character defects Satan uses.

Yesterday was a very busy Sunday which didn’t even include going to church.  A couple from our Celebrate Recovery group married yesterday morning at an event center in our area.  Kathy and I have been mentoring them and wanted to attend.  They had asked us to witness the wedding and sign with them their marriage certificate.  Following this event I had our monthly CR leadership meeting followed by a member of it needing to talk through something in their life.  Lastly our choir was singing a few songs with a gospel quartet who was singing at our church last night.  I just went from one thing to another and finally got home a little before 9:00 pm last night.  Through the day though, I was able to witness a couple stepping out of their bondage and into a beautiful marriage God had arranged for them.  In our leadership meeting I was able to express with our men the struggles of late where I could use their prayer support.  Lastly, and the greatest gift of all yesterday, following the concert, I was introduced to a couple visiting from Illinois.  She had read my book and wanted to talk.  Her story was different than mine, but the bondage of sin is much the same.  She and her husband talked with me for about 30-40 minutes.  She was now wanting to help others with their addictive behaviors but God wasn’t seemingly opening any doors for this to happen where they live.  When I asked her if she had completed her support team she seemed puzzled.  I told her that in the verse James 5:16 it says for us to confess to God, ourselves and to someone we trust and we will be healed.  The prayers of a righteous man are powerful and effective.  I’ve been learning that I truly need a strong support team when I am telling my story.  When I live my past over and over, I also am vulnerable to the character defects becoming truths again in my mind.  So I asked her if there was anyone God had been placing on her heart to talk to and she immediately said yes, but….  I told her to just be obedient and talk to the person, for God, if He is preparing this person to be a teammate, will have done His part already.  Using God’s readiness steps for becoming a warrior in this spiritual war zone and being properly supported is critical.  I look forward to hearing how God does use her in her days ahead.

The conversation with this couple was God’s reminder for me that He is faithful to His Kingdom work.  This couple is in their early 50’s and have only been Christians a couple of years.  The husband told me I was the most courageous man he’s know in his current years.  My response was thanks, but for me it is all about being obedient to the nudges of The Holy Spirit within–Christ’s Gift to each of us who choose Him as Savior and Lord.

I’m glad last week is done, but I am most grateful for the growth it provided.  I pray the journaling through this blog is helpful for you the reader.  Feel free to respond if prompted.  God’s richest blessings to you.

As I said yesterday in my entry, I contacted my friend about the struggle of late.  That was good.  However, it didn’t end up freeing me throughout the day yesterday.  As the day continued I felt more and more defeated–acting on my own strength rather than on the strength of Jesus Christ through surrender.  I didn’t step into sin, I just stepped into believing the old lie that I am unworthy of freedom. I am fully awake to this struggle within me now.  Before, I use to bury it and determine not to think about it most of the time.  In Celebrate Recovery it is called denial.  I’m fully awake now to the truth of the struggle.  It goes back to my belief system.  The old man thinking is what tries to take over during the day.  The new creation that I am is still needing to mature within me.

Two weeks ago today the one teaching the intercessory prayer class at church gave out brochures on spiritual warfare prayers.  I think I mentioned this a few days back.  I had this brochure thinking it would be good to use when I butt up against warfare for someone.  Well, that someone happens to be myself.  There are two prayers in the brochure specific to demonic harassment and another to remove demonic influence.  The prayers address the conscious, subconscious and unconscious mind.  I have prayed them this morning for myself and I am going into this day awake to the difference between the truth of Christ’s freedom and the bondage of evil’s deception.  I’ve asked Christ to keep me awake to this truth throughout the day.  This has always been my struggle on this journey of getting healthy.  As the day progresses, my belief in the new creation weakens.

Today’s blog entry is rather personal and I confess it because I know from myself and from working with others just how difficult it is to come out of the mind’s thinking from the old man’s point of view.  If this is true for you, a reader, let someone know of the need for help.  Help is only a confession away.

Have you ever been looking for something and all it took was another set of eyes to tell you that you were looking right at it but not seeing it?  That’s what happened to me this morning during my devotions.  I have had a couple things happen these past two days that have troubled me.  The “old man” within me was wanting to take control, (I thought he was dead) but I just couldn’t see any other way of dealing with what I was facing.  This morning during my devotions I was lamenting with Jesus about the details.  He reminded me of the scripture, James 5:16 which says that if I confess all of this to someone I trust I could be healed because the prayers of a righteous man are powerful and effective.  I knew I needed to confess to someone of this present struggle but, good grief, how many times does one need to do this?  Well, my response to that question was simple–“just one more time”.  I needed healing about my thinking and confessing it to someone I trust was all I needed to do.

This journey to FREEDOM, or I should say, the journey within freedom is not trouble free.  The freedom isn’t an absence of problems, its a pathway with help once we reach out for it.  The things I could not see as I said in the first sentence of this blog were right there for me.  It was called HELP.  I just hadn’t reached out for it.  Now I have and I feel like a new person ready to move into a new day able to live as the new creation I’ve been all along.

So I write this to encourage you to reach out if there is something troubling you.  Help is close at hand.  It may be right in front of you as mine was.  God bless.

Freedom–that is an interesting word with huge meaning.  If you’ve read my book you know that the 3rd section of it is entitled:  Finding Freedom.  As I started this blog 2+ months ago I entitled it “The Journey Continues” and the journey I’m talking about is the continued journey to find and maintain freedom.  Not letting yourself slip back into bondage is a daily process unto itself.  I am finding that the longer I’m on the journey the more awake I become to the difficulties along the way.  Once upon a time I thought freedom was a one time finding which when had, was from that point forward, solidly in place.  Now I’m finding that the solidly in place part is the promise of Christ’s forgiveness as well as His Gift of The Holy Spirit.  My part isn’t solid at all unless I do my part of maintaining my relationship with Jesus and obeying His directions in my life.  He tells me to do things like I mentioned yesterday, believe:  “I’m forgiven” and “I’m a child of the King”.  Things also like: “I’m precious in His sight”.  These promises remove my need to do something to earn these statements.  I believe them instead of earn them.

My determination to stay on this journey is solid because I know the God of this universe, the Christ who is my Savior and Lord and The Holy Spirit within me are genuine and true.  I will continue to need to daily do my part by believing, confessing when I need to, and feeding my mind and soul with God’s Word.  I’m in this to stay.  I pray you are too.  Reach out if you find yourself slipping into confusion, old bondage, or other things that come from the “old self” we use to be.

Have you ever had a roadblock enter your life so you couldn’t get on the trail for the day?  That’s what seemed to happen yesterday and continued into this morning.  I wasn’t able to get to my blog to post the journey’s work.  Actually, the roadblock allowed me to process some very important things I’ll explain.

Tuesday evening, May 10, I co-led a step study for our Celebrate Recovery.  I’ve written about this in earlier posts.  Our session on the 10th was all about addressing “our mind” and the damage done to it and why we must address this damage in order to move forward with our recovery.  Over the years of working with Celebrate Recovery I’ve learned that my mind houses my belief system about me–Earnie.  In my book I reveal a good deal about my need to overcome my lack of worthiness.  I have spent much of my life trying to find the worthiness of God’s redemptive love and forgiveness.  Coupled with Tuesday night’s lesson, was the lesson of last night’s CR weekly meeting at our church.  I was teaching the lesson and the topic was “Forgiveness”.  There are 3 areas of forgiveness we are to address in our recovery:  1) Accepting God’s forgiveness for our sins, 2) Forgiving others and accepting the forgiveness of others, 3) Forgiving ourselves.

I knew from my past counseling experiences that when I hit a roadblock I need to take it to God and seek His wisdom and clarity for the block.  In times past I would flee to “my cave” where unhealthy habits resided and I’d be tempted to resume old patterns of behavior.  I was tempted this time to do the same.  However, in teaching the lesson last night I knew I had to get to the root of this desire to flee regarding this topic.  This morning I asked God to make it clear for me and He did.  Bringing me back to Tuesday night’s lesson on “our mind” and last night’s lesson on “Forgiveness”, Christ made it very clear I needed to address Earnie forgiving Earnie for the man he thinks in his mind he is.   Earnie never was the child his father wanted him to be (at least he believed that in his mind) and Earnie was never the man he wanted himself to be resulting from all the years of same sex abuse and the confusion it left him with.  Even though Earnie had worked through this and talked about it a good deal in later years, it still haunted him because deep inside it still shamed him.  (Note that I say all this as third person but I’m talking about me).  As we talked in our share group last night after the lesson, many of the men spoke of their disappointment in themselves and how they’d forgiven themselves for these disappointments or would now forgive themselves once they were awake to it.  This morning I forgave myself for being the disappointment to me–not measuring up to the expectations of my dad and not measuring up to the “perfect child” I wanted to be for my God.  God calls me a “child of the King” and I am now going to call myself that too–not just in words but in belief.  I write this now and I just simply feel clean.  One of the verses of last night’s lesson is Isaiah 1: 18-19 which says “…no matter how deep the stain of your sins, I can take it out and make you as clean as freshly fallen snow.  Even if you are stained as red as crimson, I can make you white as wool!  If you will only let me help you.”  This morning I let Him help me and the results are so miraculous.  Thank you Jesus!

So, I couldn’t write yesterday  morning because I had to be at a school where I was working at an early hour and when I got home yesterday afternoon I had company at the house who stayed the night.  They left this morning to head home and so I’m late getting this written.  However, because of these roadblocks, I’m giving a message I’ve longed to someday be free to give.  It also follows the time God wanted me to take to find it.  Now I am free–Praise the Name of the Lord God Almighty!