Last night was our weekly step study meeting.  We are past the lessons preparing participants for doing the inventory (organizing their personal background to identity barriers to health in their lives and causes for it).  The lesson last night was for preparing participants to share their inventory with their sponsor.  It is called “Confession”.  I’ve done these many times in the last 8 years of Celebrate Recovery (8 or 9 times).  The last question for the lesson really spoke to me in an entirely new way this time.

I actually got to the place in town where we house the study and realized I’d brought all the materials except my assignment book where I’d recorded my responses to each question.  I didn’t have time to go back home and get it so I took a new book and just used the questions knowing pretty well what I’d already had for my responses.  God did use my absent-mindedness to His advantage because when I answer these questions from home, I tend to do so from my mind–during the class and being with the others I tend to be far more open to hearing my heart as well as my mind.  The last question had 4 parts.  It read something like:  “After you complete the inventory with your sponsor you will find your life improving.  You’ll find yourself facing truth, having less pain, having less blaming, and you will start accepting God’s forgiveness more readily.  In response to this statement we were to then answer:

• I can be more honest with….
• I can ease my pain by….
• I can stop blaming….
• I can accept God’s forgiveness because of….

It has really only been since I wrote the book that facing the complete truth about the damage of the abuse to me has fully hit home.  The thing I hate the most about it is the lingering gay thoughts.  When I encounter one crossing my mind I instantly sense I’m an abuser.  Taking a step away from this I can say I know that isn’t true.  Yet, all my life I’ve struggled with this.  Last night I was able to say this truth and be fully honest about it.  Amazingly, it eased the pain and I could stop blaming.  I can easily accept God’s forgiveness because a thought going through my head is not a sin.  It is a temptation.  Temptations come from being human. Sin needing forgiveness comes from acting on the temptation.  I haven’t acted on those thoughts.  As I write this I can see what God has been trying to get me to comprehend all along, but not having my “thinking answers” in front of me last night, I was able to give my heart-felt responses which carried the hurt I’ve needed to bring out in honest confession. And, now I’m even writing this in my blog.  God is so faithful!  I truly thank Him for this.