Having been away from home for a week and now getting back to the routine, I am having a moment of reflection about the worthiness of things.  Yesterday, we had to be at the airport by 5:45 am to catch our flight home after missing the connecting one Saturday night.  All was fine except I had a very full day yesterday that was being interrupted.  The step study group of men was coming to our house for a BBQ celebration of their commitment and growth.  I was giving them some information about next steps with Celebrate Recovery such as writing their testimony and how to assist with leadership if they so desire.  All of this went fine.  Two of the guys couldn’t come due to birthday celebrations in their own families.

This morning as I reflect on this I am troubled.  The event is done and that’s just what I feel–it is done.  The entire day I pushed to have all the details ready and I really didn’t take any time at all to celebrate with the men.  Nothing was said or done to acknowledge their strides through this past year addressing their personal hurts, hang-ups and habits which had brought them to the step study in the first place.  This was originally the reason for the event. I was truly operating in my human side (old self)–pushing through to get tasks done and only seeing this as such.  The rest of this week has several more events which are beginning rather than ending.  Tomorrow night is the kickoff of the group called Conquer for men & women struggling with sexual addiction.  Wednesday night is our Celebrate Recovery kickoff and Thursday night we will support another Celebrate Recovery kickoff in a neighboring church.  Friday through Sunday noon is our men’s retreat in the mountains.  My eyes are now open again to the bigger picture–the people–God’s children.  I hope to learn a good lesson from yesterday.  The old me is still present.  I want the new creation God has made to move through this week taking it one day at a time, one moment at a time. I want to see these events as support for God’s children rather than simply tasks to be completed.

Kathy and I got delayed leaving Oklahoma last night due to the terrific thunderstorms so we missed the connection in Denver to Boise. I’m doing my first blog on my phone. The journey has these interruptions in it. I think I’ll not try to figure this one out. All my devotional stuff in packed and unavailable so this am it is God, Kathy and me. I’m thinking that’s a good thing. I’m sure I’ll have more to say tomorrow morning. 

I’m missing our church’s Celebrate Recovery kickoff intro this am. I know the ones being interviewed will do fine. I would like to see it. I pray hearts to be open. 

Today ends the week with my daughter and family here in Oklahoma City.  Yes, we had a wonderful time, got the work done she wanted and had a great time with the family.  God has taught me some things about Himself while being here too.  His work is all about Him and not any one of us.  Yes, we can and should be about His work which He leads us to do, but the results of any should always point to Him, otherwise it isn’t about Him nearly as much as it is about our ego.  I sure want my work to point others to my Heavenly Father.

God is so patient waiting for man to come to full realization about Him.  I can quickly jump to a conclusion that He is not interested in something or is being complacent about it.  This morning He was thorough in pointing out that what He looks for in completing His work is often not seen by man–at least at this stage.  The other thing is that we look for physical evidence while He is always working on spiritual one/s.  He does physical work, but His greatest work is in changing hearts to see Him.  I’m going to need much more time to ever get to this full awareness and then I will not make it–I’m human too.

There is much starting when Kathy and I get home.  This next week kicks off the new Celebrate Recovery year, kicks off the Conquer series our church is starting, a dinner tomorrow night at our house for the men who just completed the step study, and our quartet bringing the worship for our kickoff.  In all of this I am most anxious about our quartet doing worship.  Why, I don’t like admitting.  Something within me knows it is all about Celebrate Recovery brings to the open all my past.  I’ve always used my singing to keep others from seeing my past.  Somehow, these two will meet next Wednesday night.  I’ve always wanted our quartet to help with our worship, but this one item has held me back all 8 years thus far.  Now it is time.  My stomach is in knots writing this.  God will bring His work forth in this I know–I hope and pray.

Now for a morning at the Oklahoma fair with the grandkids and then to fly home.

Today is my second grandson’s birthday.  He is a teenager as of today.  He has been my buddy since the day he was born.  I pray God’s special anointing upon him.

I wonder what man’s ego was intended to be when God created us originally?  In the human flesh it fights so much with spirit-filled living wanting things to go just our way so we are comfortable.  Yet, God has given us choice so we can choose faith and trust challenging this ego-driven decision-making.  Somehow I find far more women able to do this faith and trust issue ahead of us men.  God reminds me that faith and trust are spirit words–they keep us in touch with spirit-filled living.  That makes me want to get much stronger at this as I truly want to live spirit-filled throughout each day.

God is also awakening me to just how much I weaken as the day continues.  I’m trying to figure out how I can strengthen my belief as the day continues but I haven’t been successful yet.  Celebrate Recovery tells us to reflect in our journals at the end of a day.  I need something mid afternoon.  I am asking God to show me what this is.  I’m sure it will challenge my ego because just writing this here as a confession is hard enough.  I’d like to think that at my age I’d be past this, but I’m afraid the struggle still exists of wanting to choose Earnie’s ways.

Have you ever watched someone/s struggle through a difficult decision-making time knowing they will “get there” but the process is causing much anxiety and grief?  I am in this at the moment.  I know I cannot fix it and I shouldn’t even try.  I also know God is in the middle of the situation too.  In fact, this morning He told me he cares for these ones even more than I do and He is their Father just as He is my Father so please trust Him.  We all go through times of growing and this is one of them.  Keeping all this in mind–I do trust and will trust Him.  In fact, because I do know this is all about His working–I can stand amazed in His Presence because He always works mightily and His outcomes are miracles when seen with our human eyes.  So, I say thank You Father for what You are going to do in this situation and time.

While here with my kids in Oklahoma City, I attended a bible study last night that one of their friends is teaching.  The topic was regarding fear verses trust.  A DVD was played and then we processed together what we heard.  I was awakened to something I haven’t processed through before.  This is the thought that when we are in the midst of troubles, whether it is centered around a recovery item or whether it is just one of life’s many issues, we usually have someone to share it with and we usually are willing to do this.  However, when we are facing something that could benefit us by taking a step of faith we often privatize our thinking and emotional angst.  I’ve always been one to do this.  I will openly talk about it when the time is past, but in the midst of it I keep all things quiet.  Never until last night had I thought about this being fear driven.  I am a man of much fear and I’ve always attributed it to my past.  Yet, God has taken me through so many steps to correct these character defects and now He is taking me through one more.  This one is about facing the future rather than correcting my past.  He is a God of today and tomorrow, not just a God who helps overcome the past.  I’m looking forward to greater learning in this area.

The voice of God, the voice of man, how does one decipher the difference?  God gives me a new creation upon my accepting Jesus Christ in my heart.  I do somehow believe the new creation is the gift of the Holy Spirit within me.  It isn’t until I quit relying on my own resources that I am more fully awake to the voice of the Holy Spirit within me.  Learning to live, see and hear in spirit rather than in flesh is a daily battle.  My flesh often wants to react to situations and I feel checked.  I think for me the hardest thing about spirit-living is surrendering my willfulness when I think my thinking and doing is best.  At times like this I don’t even check with my spirit–my old self thinking (in my mind) has always been right so why should I change at this point?  God is having me process through these times of late.  An example is a text message I got last evening from someone connected to a ministry I work with.  They had heard a  message about the ministry which had originated somehow from me.  Their interpretation was that I had been gossiping.  They were informing me that I need to be more careful with whom I talk.  The one texting me doesn’t know me well and I too don’t know them well.  I wanted to call them rather than text and say I don’t gossip.  I hate gossip.  To be accused of this is like a knife stab.  Yet, this morning I feel God’s Spirit telling me to let it go.  There will be a time when I can talk about this face to face.  Until then I know I have no ill-intent so I’ll swallow my pride and let it go.

Living in spirit intentionally as the dominant source of my life is an about face for me.  I know I’m going to need to stick with this the rest of my life and I want to.  I do pray the capability will increase and somehow I believe it will.  I know God is faithful and His Team are equally so–they being His Son Jesus and His Gift–The Holy Spirit.

Today my oldest living brother turns 80.  He is 6th from the oldest of my siblings.  I have a sis just older than him who turned 82 in July.  The first 4 are gone along with the one who drowned.  I know that death is inevitable but when this side of it is coming closer to home, it does awaken me to the reality of humanness.

I think you know I’ve been journaling to my Heavenly Father for the past few weeks.  In doing so He is presently helping me understand the difference between human-living and spirit-living.  I’m no scholar in this arena, but I have always been a person who wants to make something taught to me practical for me.  This is what I feel God is wanting to do with these topics.  Human-living is dominated by sinfulness and the effects of sin.  Death is one of them.  Pain and suffering are other results of sinfulness.  Secrecy is another result of this nature.  Now compare these to their counterparts in spirit-living.  Spirit-living is set free upon death for it is eternal; pain and suffering become discipline and light to be shed upon the parts of life needing examined in spirit-living; secrecy becomes a story to be told about how God has used our human life to help others overcome their own.  Our growth in our spiritual life is never to be held as a secret.  God wants us to use it for His Spiritual Work in the lives of others.

Somehow I’m seeing this secrecy issue as one our church, our present Christian population needs to examine.  We tend to keep our struggles (our pain and suffering) within so others are not “bothered” by our problems.  God is wanting us to share them so others don’t feel isolated by having the same or similar ones.  God also wants us to share our burdens one with another to support each other.  We have moved so far away from this except in the privacy of our own little conversations with someone we think we can trust.

The longer I walk in this new creation God has given me the more I am realizing just how much I have always longed to be this free.  Our secret shame, our troubling mind and thoughts, our present actions that may be sinful are only examples of things God wants us to share “one with another”.  His Holy Spirit is waiting for us to surrender our pride and humanness so He can take charge of our daily living.  It is then that we can become truly a servant to God and a helpmate to each other.  I am wanting to grow in this area with God breaking down these barriers I have built for so long in my life.

I have been neglecting this blog for a couple days–not on purpose, but because Kathy and I have flown to Oklahoma City visiting our daughter and her family.  We left very early Saturday morning for the airport and so my routine has not been the same and won’t be for a week.  I will try to be consistent now as this week continues.

My daughter Amber had asked a few weeks ago if I’d give my testimony to their church’s Celebrate Recovery group when I came.  Last night was the opportunity to do this.  I had given it a year ago while here also.  All of that was months before I’d started this blog and only about 6 weeks after my book had been published.  Their group has grown considerably and my surrender has increased in this past year.  It was telling for me to be able to stand before people I mostly don’t know and give a second testimony.  I found myself less nervous than normal and able to give the testimony of God’s work in me with the assurance that I’m doing so on assignment for God rather than just exposing myself to these folks.

It is difficult for me to write while here.  I find myself in a different mode.  Yet, in this mode the more difficult thing is hearing God’s tender voice.  At home it seems easier as I’m comfortable and the surroundings are very familiar.  Here, their computer sits openly in the family room and I feel “watched”.

The one thing I’d like to share however this morning is the part last night in the small group with the men after my testimony.  I told how I have recently begun to journal to God and how that has strengthened my confidence and surrender to Him.  Almost all of the guys seemed to relate to this.  One of them even said he journals daily and he was going to start doing so to God.  I didn’t realize how many of us men struggle with a similar esteem issue with our God.  He has certainly been breaking the chains of belief I’ve had all these years.  For this I am most grateful.

I have a list of things to do while here with my daughter.  The big one is to disassemble much of their deck.  They are going to be redoing some landscaping which requires a retaining wall being redone.  It ties to their deck which has to go.  I don’t think I can damage something that will be taken out anyway so this projects seems like a fun one for me.  I’ll give you an update later!

Well, I wrote yesterday I was eager to step into the Celebrate Recovery leadership meeting last night.  I was sensing a tremendous surge of God’s anointing in the leadership as we organize for this coming year.  It came to fruition last night.  We had 23 people present.  I had a huge agenda which addressed continuing the present work of Celebrate Recovery, but also adding the potential new areas if there were leadership to lead each of them.  Amazingly, each new area had leadership willing and ready to step into them.  No coercion, no begging, only doors of opportunity opened and God had prepared each of them to say yes to the area of need they were led to assume.  The meeting was to end at 8:30 pm and at 8:24 the agenda was completed with all areas of old and new assigned.  Celebrate Recovery has a leadership covenant volunteers are to sign pledging their support for the coming year.  I gave these out last night for ones to pray over after the meeting.  Those ready to sign could do so and the rest could take them home for God to speak to them about signing or not.  20 of the 23 present returned theirs last night.  I am humbly amazed this morning reflecting on all of this from last night.

I am presently reading in my Bible the book of Jeremiah.  Jeremiah often uses the term–God of the Angel Armies–in reference to God and His leadership.  This same God is the Father God I began to journal to just a few weeks ago wondering why He had prompted me to change my journaling to Him.  He had told me it was now time for me to begin to learn to trust Him as I’d learned to trust His Son Jesus.  Little did I understand just how much I needed to be awakened to the immensity of our Almighty God and just how intimate He wants to be with me and each one of us.

Yesterday morning I had gone to the church to make copies for last night’s meeting.  I was asked by the pastor of adult ministries to speak to him if I had a minute.  So, when finished I stepped into his office.  He and I had talked earlier in the summer about rethinking the churches’ organization for teaching/discipling it’s flock.  In the educational world we call it the learning continuum.  It looks at what do we want all children to know as tier 1, what support is needed to ensure the ones who need additional help have it as tier 2, and what intervention is needed for those who just won’t get it otherwise as tier 3.  Celebrate Recovery is a perfect example of a church’s work with tier 3 but what do we do ahead of this for tier 1 and tier 2 in a church and what is it called?  He has begun a thorough analysis of this and begun to create a structure for implementing it.  He also asked if I’d be willing to lead all the intervention work for the church.  Celebrate Recovery is one of these, but there are many more needed and I was honored to be asked.  I did say yes to it.

Now that I’ve written all of this I can tell what happened at the end of last night’s meeting.  A mom of an elementary age child told of the immense amount of pornography children are being exposed to on the school buses, playgrounds, etc. by children and their smartphones.  This is happening as early as first grade.  She wondered how our Celebrate Recovery could help.  She had thought this had just happened to her child but in sharing it with a few other moms she found it was happening to most kids.  Parents and kids were stymied as to addressing this.  I told them I would take this problem to our pastors as this is a perfect example of the tiered approach to our teaching at church.  All adults and children need to be taught how to address this temptation when it comes to them and then for those who need support and intervention, we stand ready to give the right Godly help.

God is showing me that He is the God of the Angel Armies and He is ready to fight this and all spiritual battle/s.  These battles have already been won and we need to help others know this is so they do not cave into the human temptations being so easily accessed around us. How wonderful it is to see God using my past as a springboard for me working with today’s needs.  Only this Almighty God we call our Heavenly Father can and will do this.  I’m so grateful to be on His team.

The message God gave me yesterday regarding gratitude is continuing/lingering.  After writing the blog entry yesterday I went into our bedroom to talk with my wife Kathy.  I thought rather than try to tell her what happened I’d simply read her the entry from my phone.  Little did I know the emotional release it would cause.  It was like a dam broke loose–one that wasn’t ever suppose to be built.  I wept in her arms.  I was able to share most of this with my accountability group last night at Celebrate Recovery.  This seems really intimate to me.  I think praise must have a direct link to the gratitude capacity God built in us originally.  Now that the dam has been broken, I hope to be able to trust intimacy more.  I’m going to need to linger in this territory for a while longer.  There is something about pride built into this area I need to ponder and uncover with God’s help.  I want my pride to be an inner, emotional energy used to God’s glory and not to be used as a protective device.  This too needs some time working it through for better clarity.

Tonight we have our Celebrate Recovery’s leadership meeting to organize our moving into the new year–kickoff happens on September 21st.  I attend a lot of meetings and even organize many of them, but I have a tremendous sense of joy building about tonight’s time.  There seems to be a level of commitment from others (new ones) being expressed.  I’m looking forward to watching God work tonight as we walk through new areas of ministry within CR and and enlarging our present areas too.

This Saturday Kathy and I fly to Oklahoma to spend a week with our daughter and her family.  I love this week with her and her husband and their two kids.  Even though they are 1500 miles away, somehow spending an uninterrupted week makes the distance more tolerable.  Their church has a new Celebrate Recovery going and I’m giving my testimony to them on Sunday evening when they meet.  I gave it a year ago while there.  The group was brand new at that time.  It will be good to see the ones attending and listen to their stories of God working through their hurts, hangups and habits.