Yesterday was a day where the journey took me face to face with a haunting reality still existing within me.  I’ve been spending time the past few days getting my yard ready for winter which includes winterizing our pool.  I went out to start on that project yesterday morning after completing the writing of the talk for Sterling’s funeral service.  I was surprised to see the yard’s sprinkling system working.  It only runs 3 days a week now but it always cycles through by 4:00 am and it was about 8:10 am.  I went to the control box and hit the advance button to shut it off.  Instead, I got an error message.  In researching it I eventually found out that the control box had shorted out and needed replaced.  This threw me into a panic as any mechanical thing does.  My younger brother, who has been my go to person is at the coast for the week so I couldn’t rely on him.  I called a good friend and he assured me this is easy and I can do it.  I knew I couldn’t but didn’t want to sound that insecure.  I finally got the courage to go to Home Depot to buy a replacement.  It says something like “quick and easy” installation–RIGHT!  I only had an hour before I would now be leaving for my grandson’s football game so I left it for today feeling most insecure.

Last night was the third night of our new Conquer series for men who struggle with sexual addictive patterns.  The DVD was strikingly fitting for me.  The speakers in it were saying that “our heart” where Christ resides is in the limbic portion of our brain where all instinctive behavior resides–survival.  Several other “questionable” things were said which left me needing to ponder.  These were statements like:

• All behavior is based on belief and not knowledge
• Our heart and our flesh are the limbic part of the brain
• Acting out is a survival mechanism keeping us from getting healthy

An assignment for the group was to write 10 worst moments of our life.  I did this and all of them are housed in the portion of my book:  Years of Abuse.  The only exception was my divorce which is in:  The Secret.  The logic behind doing this was to indicate that the trauma caused from these events had a stronghold within our survival part of the brain–amygdala (part of the limbic system).  I instantly thought about the fear and insecurity I had felt all day regarding the control box.

I got home last night knowing I needed to address these things but felt trapped.  At 3:03 am I was awake knowing I had to get up and get to work on these.  The next two hours were simply amazing.  I started with my devotions which led to journaling.  I asked God to help me understand all that last night stated.  My logical mind was battling with what seemed illogical.  He walked me through all 10 of the items I’d written down showing me how these times had left me believing I may be a man, but I was highly at risk at proving it.  Thus, why I’ve been so performance driven and why intimacy has been such an issue all my life.  He also said that now that I realize this, I can finally accept the gift of His Holy Spirit which carries within “the new creation” He has always wanted me to accept and be.  It doesn’t change the man I am on the outside but it sure does change this man on the inside.  My manliness is not at risk–Satan has always wanted me to think this.  He has hugely thrown my past before me making me think much less of myself.  Even though I had forgiven Rich and dad, I had never completely restored my inner being as humanly whole so Christ’s work on the Cross could give me a “new creation”–still me but totally transformed within.

This happened this morning.  The last part of last night’s assignment was to write a letter to myself to carry and read at a time of temptation.  I’ve now done this.  I think I’m ready to write the next section of my book.  It will be called:  The New Creation.  I’ve struggled with being the new creation for many months now.  Today the struggle is gone–at least momentarily it is gone.  The difference now is that I have tools for addressing this old belief system that has haunted me all my life.  God is so good and faithful!