My journey starts today committing to believe I am a new creation and live that way.  I am committing to call my accountability as thoughts contrary to this come or if I am tempted to act contrary to this.  I have notified my accountability too.  I can’t begin to tell you how many times between yesterday and today I’ve wanted to tell myself–“Get over it!”  But, I can’t.  I have to face this so I can walk in the assurance of God’s redeeming love and grace for me.  This is not a position of a arrogance as one of the voices in my head wants me to believe.  It is a truth of love and grace from God our Father.  My accountability partner just reminded me that I have an awesome team to lend a hand.  My role is to reach out to them as these times of doubt come.

Earlier this morning I was struggling with the fact that I am 66 years old and fighting the same patterns I fought when I was a teenager.  The only difference is that now I’m telling it.  The voices were telling me that I’ve failed all these years.  What makes me think it will be different now?  I am convinced (fearfully) that I will have an answer for those voices at some point in my journey ahead.  I do have an answer for them even now–but I want my answer to have substance to it along with my belief that God loves me dearly just as He loves each one of you and the billions of others in this world of His.

So, to make this real I have to post it so my next step is to hit the publish button so any reader can know this.  If any one of you wants to join me in this journey, God is wanting you to believe the same as he wants me believing.

Today is the birthday of a dear friend.  He and I have been singing together for the past 48 years.  He has been the confidant God provided, and like Kathy, has been there at the times I needed support but couldn’t ask for it.  God showed him my need and he didn’t even know what it was, yet he reached out.  That is a real friend.

Yesterday, the new step study for Celebrate Recovery participants who have done the first step study more than once met and went over the first lesson–Denial.  This lesson unearthed for me some truths I have needed to address but hadn’t been able to put words to them.  In the past several weeks you know I’ve been journaling to God rather than Jesus.  This has exposed a belief in me of my unworthiness of such a tremendous Father even though He created me.  This period of time has also named the throne for which Christ sits in our heart.  This time has led me to a couple people who have helped me see that most of my issue is my belief system.  So, yesterday’s lesson on denial focused me on this issue–my belief that I don’t deserve God as Father, Christ on the throne of my life, and His Holy Spirit fully within me.  The boldness the Holy Spirit would give is stymied. This led me to tears many times.  One person came to me after church yesterday morning wanting me to tell her more about this internal battle.  She is one of the two I’d talked to. Even before I could tell her, she told me.  She said she could see and sense my internal strife.

This morning I am challenged to take a bold step and proclaim the truth–“I am a new creation and I will walk this day in this truth.  Any belief or temptation that tries to interfere will be immediately surrendered and told to my accountability partners.”  I haven’t done it, but writing it here helps prepare me.  Why I am so bothered about making this statement is its own battle.  I already hear the voices telling me–“Earnie, what are you going to do when this doesn’t pan out?  You will be so humiliated once again.  You are fine the way you are.  Let it go.”  I recognize this lie but it nearly paralyzes me simply stating it here.  I need to take this step.  I want to take this step.

I don’t tell all of this to get sympathy but I would appreciate your prayers.  I also pray that if this defines any reader’s struggle, I am praying for you.

Today is our monthly leadership meeting for Celebrate Recovery which follows the second worship service at my church.  I’m looking forward to it because there has been so much new interest in people being part of this ministry from the standpoint of giving back to it.  As I had my own devotions this morning I was pondering what devotion should be given today.  I usually have this on the agenda so someone volunteers to do it.  Last month I had such a big agenda I neglected to get this done so I’m doing one myself.  God led me to the one He wanted used today.  It uses David as God’s example of a man after God’s heart who knew how to meditate and find strength in God from it.

David was definitely a man after God’s heart, but he was also a perfect example of a earthly man.  When David’s dad was asked to bring his son’s before Samuel so God could point out which one would be the next king of Israel, his father didn’t even bring David.  Samuel had to ask David’s father if there were any other sons since He hadn’t affirmed any of the ones present.  What does that tell you about his earthly father’s belief in him?  Yet, God made him the king in spite of what his earthly father thought of him.  David certainly fought earthly desires too–even to the point of adultery and murder, yet God called him a servant after His own heart.

This is what I love so much about this ministry of  Celebrate Recovery–it takes those who have been beat up with the world’s sins and makes them into a Kingdom warrior.  The past for everyone who comes to today’s meeting has been overcome by God’s great Grace.  These people are all giving back to this Almighty Father so that others can find the same freedom and forgiveness they have found.  I am one of these that I am talking about.  I too am most grateful.  Thank you, my Heavenly Father!

Once in a while one must stop on the journey and take a rest.  As I rest I reflect back to 34 years ago when Kathy and I joined hands in marriage at the Baptist Church in Enterprise, OR.  She has not only been the wife of me, but she has been the one true friend who God used to support me through the darkest days of my life–coming out into the open about my past.  It was only 5 or 6 months into marriage that I opened up to her.  God had convinced me I must tell her.  In so doing, she didn’t leave me, she simply kept encouraging me to take steps towards getting help to work through it.  She is an awfully good encourager.  I thank God for placing her in my life.  Now, 34 years later, I’ve not only told my story but written it in a book, daily blog about it and meet with individuals every week to help them through their own personal struggles.  God immensely used Kathy to help me find His direction for me in all of this.

Yesterday’s funeral for Sterling seemed to go well.  There were an abundance of people who came to support the family.  There were also many who came for the dinner following it.  I saw family members I hadn’t seen for a while which was nice.  Sterling was a man who loved family and yesterday was a tremendous example of what he believed and supported.  The tributes all said so too.  His family loved and respected him.  Their tributes were so touching.  It is sure a stark reminder that our legacy will live on either good or bad.  Yesterday’s message of legacy was one of love, respect, joy and gratitude.  I’ve been to so many funerals where this just wasn’t the case.  It is all the more reason to step back, reflect on our present circumstances and correct the areas God is nudging us to address.  Life ending doesn’t need to tell that my pride stopped me.  It should say that my surrender of pride allowed me to make amends where they were needed.

Today’s journey has me walking into my brother in law’s funeral service–his celebration.  My quartet is singing and I’m leading the service.  I’ve written out what I feel God is wanting me to share.  Mostly, I’ve surrendered.  Much of the service will be reflections shared by family and others about this little in stature, but great man.  As with any family, there is some turmoil within.  I pray for Christ’s healing touch to complete itself this very day in this family.

Last night Kathy and I went to see the movie, “Voiceless”.  It was brought to our valley by Lifeline Crisis Pregnancy Center and cosponsored by our church.  It brought to light in such a tactful but direct way how much God is wanting us to be His voice for His created life.  The title–voiceless–is not only a reflection of the fetus at risk but also the action not taken by most of us who know that abortions are happening daily but we still remain silent.  The title also stirs within me the need for each of us to step out of our silence and support whatever God is laying on our heart.  For me personally it is the message of God’s forgiveness no matter what we have done or what has been done to us.  NO sin is greater than the GRACE that forgives it when it is confessed.  Jesus Christ is waiting for each of us to do what He is laying on our hearts to do in His Name.  For me today it starts with a tribute of Christ and his beloved Sterling Daniels.  So rest in peace my brother.  Your work is complete here on this earth.

Today’s journey has a new creation writing it.  That makes me smile just typing this message into script.  The difference in today’s writing of it and in previous writing is that “hope” for this being true is replaced with “assurance” that it is done.  Maybe what I’m about to write here has never been confusing for you, but I’ve spent my entire life wishing beyond hope that someday I could be complete in God.  Well, the other night when I heard that the throne of my life is my amygdala (limbic portion of our brain) I just wanted to throw in the towel.  How in the world could the throne of God’s Son be in such a place?  It didn’t seem special at all and Christ’s throne should be something spectacular–right?  Well, wrong.  All day yesterday and last night I’ve been pondering this as true and God has done nothing more than reassure its validity.  In the amygdala of our brain lies our total security.  Our reflexes, instincts, emotions are all triggered from this part.  When God created us originally we had full assurance of our security because He was there on the throne–our anchor in any strife.  Yet, He gave man a choice.  Adam and Eve replaced Him on their throne with themselves by choice.  I’m sure they didn’t know their consequences like we now do, but nonetheless, it is true.  We as man need to choose to place him there removing ourselves from this ownership.

I’ve hated and loved emotions my whole life.  Emotions were what dad didn’t handle.  They triggered him to beat us, tear down any sense of accomplishment we might have had in childhood, and more.  All this left my developing mind thinking I must do it on my own.  This has been the root cause of my insecurities.  Coupled with this, my brother’s sexual use added to the lack of manliness I felt.  Now, however, I’ve finally found the throne for Christ and it is just where God wants it–the core of my belief system.  The only thing I was right about was that this core is not spectacular.  What makes it spectacular is Christ being there.  Nothing earthly was spectacular about Christ.  He Himself was the spectacular.  He came to bring this to you and me.  Wow, I feel as though I’ve discovered the most precious gift of all–I guess I have too.  He was already there waiting for me to finally catch on to what He had done and where He did it.

By the way, I installed that crazy control box myself yesterday in less than an hour and had each zone tested.  The anxiety  was gone and I just followed the directions.  Seems so simple, yet this one act allowed me to be confirmed that Earnie is now OK.  I won’t be without battle in the future, but I do have an assurance I’ve not known rooted deeply within me.  My beliefs of old have now been erased and replaced.  They are not forgotten for I will celebrate this the rest of my human life.  I do hope this entry makes sense for you.

Yesterday was a day where the journey took me face to face with a haunting reality still existing within me.  I’ve been spending time the past few days getting my yard ready for winter which includes winterizing our pool.  I went out to start on that project yesterday morning after completing the writing of the talk for Sterling’s funeral service.  I was surprised to see the yard’s sprinkling system working.  It only runs 3 days a week now but it always cycles through by 4:00 am and it was about 8:10 am.  I went to the control box and hit the advance button to shut it off.  Instead, I got an error message.  In researching it I eventually found out that the control box had shorted out and needed replaced.  This threw me into a panic as any mechanical thing does.  My younger brother, who has been my go to person is at the coast for the week so I couldn’t rely on him.  I called a good friend and he assured me this is easy and I can do it.  I knew I couldn’t but didn’t want to sound that insecure.  I finally got the courage to go to Home Depot to buy a replacement.  It says something like “quick and easy” installation–RIGHT!  I only had an hour before I would now be leaving for my grandson’s football game so I left it for today feeling most insecure.

Last night was the third night of our new Conquer series for men who struggle with sexual addictive patterns.  The DVD was strikingly fitting for me.  The speakers in it were saying that “our heart” where Christ resides is in the limbic portion of our brain where all instinctive behavior resides–survival.  Several other “questionable” things were said which left me needing to ponder.  These were statements like:

• All behavior is based on belief and not knowledge
• Our heart and our flesh are the limbic part of the brain
• Acting out is a survival mechanism keeping us from getting healthy

An assignment for the group was to write 10 worst moments of our life.  I did this and all of them are housed in the portion of my book:  Years of Abuse.  The only exception was my divorce which is in:  The Secret.  The logic behind doing this was to indicate that the trauma caused from these events had a stronghold within our survival part of the brain–amygdala (part of the limbic system).  I instantly thought about the fear and insecurity I had felt all day regarding the control box.

I got home last night knowing I needed to address these things but felt trapped.  At 3:03 am I was awake knowing I had to get up and get to work on these.  The next two hours were simply amazing.  I started with my devotions which led to journaling.  I asked God to help me understand all that last night stated.  My logical mind was battling with what seemed illogical.  He walked me through all 10 of the items I’d written down showing me how these times had left me believing I may be a man, but I was highly at risk at proving it.  Thus, why I’ve been so performance driven and why intimacy has been such an issue all my life.  He also said that now that I realize this, I can finally accept the gift of His Holy Spirit which carries within “the new creation” He has always wanted me to accept and be.  It doesn’t change the man I am on the outside but it sure does change this man on the inside.  My manliness is not at risk–Satan has always wanted me to think this.  He has hugely thrown my past before me making me think much less of myself.  Even though I had forgiven Rich and dad, I had never completely restored my inner being as humanly whole so Christ’s work on the Cross could give me a “new creation”–still me but totally transformed within.

This happened this morning.  The last part of last night’s assignment was to write a letter to myself to carry and read at a time of temptation.  I’ve now done this.  I think I’m ready to write the next section of my book.  It will be called:  The New Creation.  I’ve struggled with being the new creation for many months now.  Today the struggle is gone–at least momentarily it is gone.  The difference now is that I have tools for addressing this old belief system that has haunted me all my life.  God is so good and faithful!

Have you ever wondered what spirit-led living looks like?  I have pondered this lots of times but have never done more than continue to wonder about it.  I do know I am more anchored in my belief that I am a new creation because of the work of Jesus Christ on the Cross of Calvary and His Gift–The Holy Spirit.  However, I know that my beliefs in living day to day with The Holy Spirit’s lead in my life is far more conceptual than it is practical.  I can talk this, but live it?  Yesterday I talked to one of our pastors about this.  I had gone to the church to work through some “next steps” with the ministry started for men struggling with sexual addiction.  This was done and I was on my way out.  Last week I’d started a conversation with our newest pastor about the topic of spirit-led living and I had a few more questions–mainly, how does one make this practical?  He said I was probably better at this then I give myself credit for being, but for me, I just know how “self-driven” I am.  I also knew I wanted the Holy Spirit living in me so I wouldn’t sin any longer–selfish thinking.  I’m learning in my investigation of this that God wants us to surrender our will so He and His work through His Son Jesus can be glorified by our living each day.  Spirit-led living is about our day to day living glorifying God and promoting His relationship with mankind.  I’ve never put words to this topic as I’m trying to do now so please bear with me.

Did I mention that I’m asked to conduct my brother in law’s funeral service?  I met with Sterling’s wife and his kids yesterday.  There is some strife trying to get things which please everyone.  I suppose this is true almost always.  The worst and the best of us seems to come out in these times of high emotion along with sleeplessness.  As I do this I know this is a time when God wants me doing His bidding as He has told me in times past.  I’m seeking His wisdom and leadership in this.  Sterling was a very good man who had accepted Christ as his Savior.  Now that I’ve just written this statement, I see the words I’ve been looking for to describe him.  Sterling had a moral compass that was built on biblical purpose.  Sterling never put Jesus name to his living, he just lived a good life modeling Christ-likeness.  I always loved him for this.  I think this is part of what God is wanting me to say for his service Friday morning.  I’ll get busy now and get on paper what I’ve been struggling to write.

The journey of today is beginning.  I awoke a little before 5 am with a mind full of things that needed to be addressed “right now”.  Of course it was a little early to call the church office and get some things in the bulletin for next Sunday and schedule a meeting with one of the pastors, etc.  However, I was needing to organize some things needing attention.  Also, God was wanting to speak to me about them.  He often uses the phrase–“do my bidding” when I hear Him speak to me.  This morning I researched that phrase.  It is simple–follow through with the commands given.  He is also telling me to do it in His way and not my own.  One of the ministries we recently started is having a very difficult time getting grounded.  It is the one for sexual addiction.  I think the title alone tells why it is having such a difficult time.  Everything that can possibly go wrong is happening.  The leadership is in turmoil, constantly getting sick, relapses and more.  Satan sure doesn’t want this stronghold tampered with.  But, we will persevere as long as God is pressing in.  This is one of those places where He is telling me to do His bidding.  So, I am moving forward and meeting with our adult pastor to do so.

I am forever needing to be reminded of the Serenity Prayer’s line:  “…one day at a time, one moment at a time–accepting hardship as a pathway to peace.”  These difficult situations are only difficult in man’s eyes.  Once I get my “new self” focused on the spiritual forces involved I relax knowing this battle is not mine.  God is wanting me to do his bidding and He will take care of the battle.  For each one of us He has already fought and won the sin battle.  However, for each of us, we have to be reminded of this time and again–one day at a time and one moment at a time.  When I do this I am then able to take the hardship and watch God make it into a pathway to peace–His peace given to me and each one of us.

Yesterday morning my brother in law left this earth to be with Jesus and a host of others welcoming him.  It wasn’t a surprise to his family, but as loss is–it still must be grieved.  My nieces and nephews asked if I’d conduct his service.  I’d done this a few years back when another brother in law passed.  That was the only time I’d ever done something like this.  Now it is happening again with Sterling.  Of course I said yes.  As so many others, I loved this man.  He was so unique in character and skills.  His service will be a time of reflecting and celebrating.

This morning’s devotional–“Every Day in His Presence” had a profound, yet simple message.  Its title is:  It is not enough to listen.  It goes on to say that listening is only a start.  It says, “True listening has a crucial companion:  obedience.”  This message hit me like a sledge hammer–not in a negative way, but one that wakes you up.  There has been so much about God’s Word that speaks to me–to us.  As we read/hear it, we are to obey it–what it is saying to us.  Much of God’s word I would obey.  However, there were times when I knew I should do something like share a message with someone and I’d shy back from it.  This was particularly true before I’d opened up about my past.  Even after I’d begun to speak of it I’d be paralyzed with fear of telling.  I’ve learned a great deal about obedience in this area.  God nudges us to take these steps of obedience to help someone else that needs our words, our support–whatever it is.  God has our paths cross so that we can shed His Light where they are experiencing darkness.

Satan often has a heyday with us in the arena of obedience.  He can plant so many seeds of doubt.  Even our own pride gets in the way with this.  This morning I was awakened once again to this truth about God’s voice speaking.  I want to be a good listener and an obedient servant to Him.