I told you yesterday that God was wanting full surrender from me which looks like trusting Him completely with the service for the kids in the correctional center next Sunday.  In my devotionals this morning I was continuing to read in Acts chapters 3-5.  Here Peter and John heal the crippled man who was asking for money.  Peter’s message to him was that they had no silver or gold, but what they had was the power to heal through Jesus Christ.  He was then healed of his infirmity.   The people were astounded and many more believed in Jesus Christ resulting from this even though the leaders arrested Peter and John for it.  I don’t intend to retell this story of truth, but God wanted me to glean something significant from it.  This message of Jesus Christ being the Savior of the world and being the One who gives the Gift of the Holy Spirit is for everyone. 

This morning God wanted me to know that the message our quartet brings to the teens at the correctional center is for everyone of them.  We are bringing the message primarily through songs and some words of testimony from each of us, but the message is for all.  God reinforced the fact for me that I needed to be free to give the message and that He would do all the rest.  He is already working in the hearts of man–his creation.  He created all of us to have that yearning for a spiritual connection.  Our role is to define that spiritual connection as Jesus Christ.  I don’t need to worry–I need to be obedient.  The Holy Spirit, if I am obedient, will be the motivator and the message.  I will be the vessel used to deliver it along with the others in our quartet.

This isn’t new information, but it is finally clear to me that God WANTS me to give this message.  His work in my life He wants me telling and using for His Glory and Honor.  I’ve always been timid inside about this fearing it would cause the loss of friendship and my career as well as my marriage and family relationships.  But, God has proven that wrong over and over.

The meeting with the young man yesterday afternoon went well.  He is broken and wants badly to be healthy and stay healthy.  He is taking steps to find work and live in a healthy environment.  Praise the Lord.

When I decided that I needed to start this blog it was motivated by God’s Holy Spirit nudging me.  I thought it was because God’s work with and in me certainly was not complete because I’d written my book.  The book didn’t end the journey, it simply opened the door for others to know my journey and maybe find help for their own.  The thing I’m finding now is that God is awakening in me a fuller understanding of total surrender of the “all of me”.  There cannot be any areas of  my life I keep for myself.  They are all to be given to God for His purposes.  Before I opened up about my past, what I kept from others was just that–my past.  Now, I find myself needing to stay awake to the areas within a day I want just for me.  God, on the other hand, wants me fully surrendered and totally willing to respond to Him for His Kingdom work.

Later this morning our quartet is getting together to prepare for the time next Sunday when we sing for the juvenile correction center.  I’ve mentioned this repeatedly.  Yesterday the one in the quartet who usually puts our order together met with me.  I am taking the lead this time but struggling with it.  He had some good suggestions.  This morning my Bible reading is in the first two chapters of Acts.  Christ has told the disciples to wait in Jerusalem for His Gift–The Holy Spirit.  They did wait and when the Spirit came upon them they were anointed with passion and The Message to give as they went out.  God was reminding me that He wanted The Holy Spirit to be the one to give the message to these kids at the center.  Waiting upon His Holy Spirit is what He wants me to do and each of us in the quartet to do.  I know we want this, but our own desire to get it planned so we can rehearse it often overrides the “waiting on the Lord and Holy Spirit”.

Later this afternoon I am meeting with a young man who has been released from jail and is trying to find his way back into life.  His mom is a friend but living out of state.  I don’t know this young man, but I want to be God’s servant in this doing what God wants, not what man may want.  I ask for your prayers for the time we meet that God will be fully in charge and His Spirit free to accomplish His purposes.  To God be the Glory great things He has done–and will do as we are fully surrendered to Him.

Today’s journey started early.  I was wide awake at 3:25 am and finally I had my body join my mind at 4:00.  I have so many things on my mind that my normal routine for devotions and then writing this blog was totally disrupted.  I was done with my devotions and processing (journaling) all that’s on my mind with God by 5:30 am.  I wanted to get our Christmas cards done so I went to work on them.  They were done and I began to box up books I’m giving away.  I filled two boxes and realized I hadn’t written today’s entry.

I’ve told you before that writing this is not fun when my mind is troubled.  There are several things troubling it too.  Earlier this week I wrote about new memories being given by God’s Holy Spirit when we have deep seated ones from childhood abuse.  I’ve been working through this but I haven’t found peace with it yet.  The upcoming singing engagement at the correction center is troubling me as well as getting things in order for Celebrate Recovery, and lastly, our Aslan Ministry.  Each area is having some stumbling blocks and I’m not sure what to do with them.  I know I must release the idea I am to own all of this.  God wants me to serve Him in these areas obeying His leadership as He sheds light.  I just haven’t been able to find peace with them yet.  I’m praying for me to be sensitive to God’s Holy Spirit knowing what to do and to not do what my old self would–bulldog into it without God’s sensitivity and His Light.

God gives us a new life when we come to Jesus.  My new life is being tempted right now and I sure don’t want to live that old life any longer.  I’m going to wait on God trusting He will do His mighty work in His timing.

OK, now I can go back to packing books to give away.

This morning I am going to put together an hour long program our quartet will be giving for the juvenile correction center on Dec. 18.  I think I’ve mentioned this in an earlier blog. One of our other members always does this work, but this program is tied to the time I gave my testimony for these same teens a couple months ago.  My whole body is filled with anxiety as I come into this moment this morning.  I’ve confessed it to God repeatedly and it immediately returns.  God has already given me His message–He said, “I know your anxiety and I want you to change your mindset to anticipation.  Do not look at the darkness of anxiety but to the Light of anticipation.”  You will not be writing the program for yourself.  You are on assignment and My Holy Spirit will give you the words to say and the songs to sing that glorify Me.”

When I gave my testimony for these kids the haunting question that stays with me is this one.  How did you know God answers your prayers?  I had to tell them that at their age I did not know that He did.  This is where trust comes in.  However, I look back 50 years later and know that God wasn’t answering my prayers/pleas.  He was answering those of my grandma and grandpa, my mom and some teachers I had.  I know I didn’t reach out to anyone with my pleas because I was scared to death knowing my plea would be a confession of who I thought I was–my identity, and they would simply confirm my deepest fear.  I want these kids to know that this is what Satan does to our thinking.  God waits for us to reach out in trust, confess to Him and to “someone we trust–someone human”.  This team replaces those anxious pleas with steadfast anchors of love and direction.  It actually helps me right now to write this out to you.  I will starting working on the program as soon as this blog entry is done.

Today I will be God’s warrior in His battle against evil.  I will trust fully in Him, His Son Jesus Christ and His Holy Spirit who lives within me.  Thank you Father and Team.

Last night’s lesson from Conquer was a tremendously powerful one for me I’ve been pondering since.  This is the statement that got me:  “When the Holy Spirit ministers to men in sexual bondage, He will often encounter them at the place where they’ve been wounded and give them new memories.”  These words aren’t taken from scripture, but from leaders who work with struggling men.  However, when I read this in the study guide it gripped me with this unsettled truth.  I knew immediately the Holy Spirit had more He was wanting me to know about my past memories from abuse and His part in this.

This morning I’m reading in John 16.  Christ is telling His disciples that they needed for Him to leave this earth so His earthly body could then be replaced with His Gift, the Holy Spirit.  It is amazing to me each time my devotions match perfectly with the message God is reinforcing for me to learn and become.  When I began to journal I asked God and The Holy Spirit to reveal what they wanted me to know about my past memories.  (I need to add a piece here from my therapy days–when I would connect to these memories in therapy I’d always take the shame, guilt, anger, etc., from these times and place them in a safe place where they could never rule over me again.)  But last night’s lesson seemed to awaken a deeper meaning for me.  So now back to this morning.  I asked the Holy Spirit what new memories He wanted me to have because I knew there were many of the memories of my brother’s sexual abuse that still haunted me even though I talk quite openly about them.

The first thing the Holy Spirit showed me was that my brother was seeking love, comfort, affection and intimacy that was never given to him.  His abuse to me was never intended to hurt me but to fulfill a longing within him.  These particular things had been shown to me before but this is how it started this morning.  When I asked the Holy Spirit what He wanted me to know from my part this is what happened:  The Holy Spirit revealed to me that the roots of my brother’s abuse still were deep within my brain. In the heart of my emotional being.  That is why I still have struggling moments about the old self.  He went on to show me He was lifting those roots out and replacing them with Himself.  He will now be my security for which I will run when temptation hits or Satan tries to throw the identity of the old me in front of me.  I’m still raw with this but I know deep within me that a work has begun I will use often.  To God be the Glory–great things He has done (and is still doing).

God is not done showing me some things He wants me to know and learn from last week.  Fundamentally, I know I am never to look again at a week like last week with dread.  That word dread is definitely part of my old self vocabulary.  I am learning to replace the word dread with anticipation.  The environment of “dread” is dark and dreary.  The environment of “anticipation” is light and motivating.  When I am facing things that in my past made me insecure and where I heard the voices of my past condemning me, I need to stop right there and surrender them and change my focus to anticipation.  I even wrote in yesterday’s blog how God used each and every situation of last week as an instrument of His work.  The deeper lesson for me is found in the word–TRUST.  I no longer want to put my trust in my capabilities, but put my TRUST fully in the One I serve–Jesus Christ, Father God and The Holy Spirit–The Three in One.

Yesterday had its own situations to face where I was brought into the equation of man’s dilemmas.  I was much more able to stay grounded in listening for The Holy Spirit’s nudges  during the deep conversations rather than thinking “I” had to be “the wise one”.  Boy, I hate these confessions, but they are good for me in getting the truth of the old me out in the open so he can be replaced fully with the new me in Christ.  These character defects need to be fully replaced with the characteristics of Jesus Christ so I reflect Him much more fully.  The anticipation of the new day is so much more rich when I see myself surrendered and trusting.  Thank you Father God, Jesus and Holy Spirit!  I so love your patience.

The week I had been dreading is now past.  Without exception, every piece of the week and it’s assignment is now finished and God was glorified.  I think my learning in all of this has been to find my role in the bigger picture.  When I was young and so much abuse was taking place I learned the skill of survival–doing good things to compensate for the wrongs and doing this by myself.  I couldn’t rely on any person’s help or else I’d need to confess all the abuse that was happening to me.  I would simply be strong in me.  God is shattering this character defect now, wanting me to learn the importance of working with Him and His Spiritual Team and with the human teams around me that He has created.  My part isn’t all that matters.  This part I play fits into God’s bigger picture of His Work.  I find myself anxious so much thinking somehow that my part mattered to the point of making or breaking a project.  Now, I see that this role of projects is God’s part.  I can relax and do my part with integrity and allow God to do His part.

This coming week has some meetings and projects in it which need me to take part in finding God’s purpose and direction.  My voice will express a portion of influence  in some secular items with the school district I’m assisting presently, as well as with some ministry work.  The persistence God was wanting me to have a couple weeks ago has shown me how my thinking needed to be connected to His Purpose.  The old-self thinking of doing it all myself was lingering.  I am much more awake today to my role in this week.  God is showing me how important this way of approaching each day is.  No matter whether it is Kathy and I with things about family or my part with matters outside our family at church or at work, I am one role in a much larger picture that is very important to God.  Look for unity of Spirit–God’s Spirit.  I know this within me and I can improve greatly in letting it dominate my mind as I go through the day’s work–one moment at a time.  To God be the Glory!

I am really glad today is here.  It is December 4th, the choir musical is this morning and when I come home about 12:30, it will be finished.  As I write this I realize that the old me would actually write this and spend the time this morning enduring the performances to the end knowing I didn’t do all I could.  This morning God showed me something I haven’t realized until now.  (He has been showing me many of my character defects of late).  The old self has always known he wasn’t able and the light was only on him and these weaknesses.  Today, God broadened the scope of His Light for me so I could see a bigger picture.  One of the things I’ve struggled with in doing big productions is the time factor weighing against the worthwhileness of the production in bringing people to God’s kingdom.  We all spend so much time in prep and see nothing in fruit from it except the sayings like:  “Oh, that was wonderful”, “Wow, you guys did a great job”, “I loved it when….”, etc.  Today, God showed me that these times are seed planting times.  Today’s event is very emotionally stirring.  It surfaces things people bury–what Celebrate Recovery calls our Denial.  It is events like this that awaken the need for people to reach out to a ministry that can help them find the PEACE OF CHRISTMAS.

The burden of doing well in the program is my part as well as each of the others involved.  It is God’s Holy Spirit that will ignite within those who come their need to address what may be buried.  The new creation I now am can join this group effort.  I can stay in the spirit of the program praying for those who experience it and need to be awakened.  I lose this opportunity to be God’s servant if I stay in my old self worrying about “my part”.  It is amazing the peace that comes when God enters the picture fully because it is now HIS PICTURE that I’m participating in.  I help plant the seeds and let God do His part.  How Great God Is.  I love being one of His gardeners!

Wouldn’t you know that the day following the one where I expressed my struggles facing issues that I can’t control or facing temptations that haunt me, I’d have a devotional time which squarely addresses it.  When Satan attacks he wants to “kill, steal and destroy every good that God has in mind”.  For the first time this morning I see that his goal isn’t to kill, steal and destroy what God has in mind solely for me, His ultimate goal is to show God he has control of His creation–you and me.  I am nothing but a pawn to him.  His deception doesn’t want me to realize this, but the evidence of the truth which sets us free tells a different story.

God wants total surrender from me.  The evidence of this full surrender is the fruit of the Spirit:  love, joy, peace, patience, long suffering, gentleness and self-control.  In these we find true joy.  When we step into a selfish act we find joy missing.  Yesterday was a day where the joy could have been easily missed, but God had a different plan, He wanted me to know from yesterday that joy is found from obedience to Him.  He is such an amazing God as well as friend.  How I want to continue to awaken to His Ways for me.

Today is the 3 hour dress rehearsal for tomorrow’s choir musical at church.  My guts ache as I write this just from the sheer knowing I will have to do it without script in front of me.  I only sing throughout but memorizing has always been one of those nemeses for me.  It is one of those which makes me want to flee and never sing in something like this again–ever.  Then I look at those characteristics given from obedience:  love joy, peace…. and compare them to what Satan wants:  kill, steal and destroy what good God has in mind.  I quickly see who I’d be succumbing to if I fled.  My trust is in my God and my obedience is to Him.  How I love our Father.

I was up at 4:20 am today to catch my flight from Lewiston back to Boise.  By the time I got home I was going to skip today’s entry but felt immediately checked because the day is part of my journey–even though it isn’t so great.  Somehow it is much nicer to do this blog when I am reporting positive growth or awakenings.  Today it seems I am finding problems and issues and it would be much easier to skip the day since I’m starting late, but I do know that we all have days like this so how does God tell us to handle them?  Well, I did my devotions when I got home and He has already reminded me that I am to recognize I am a new creation everyday–not some days.  He also reminded me that I have accountability support and that I don’t need to carry burdens alone.

I am awfully glad to be home so I can work through what needs to be done from here.  I also feel much more connected to support when I am home even though a text or call happens just as quickly a few hundred miles away–proximity is sometimes important.

So, everyday isn’t a perfect day, but keeping focused on the fact that God is my Lead as a new creation and I am to surrender all of this frustration.  I can watch it come together as the day goes on just like any other time when I sense this.  So, thank you Father God.  You are not only my Strength, you are my calm assurance.