For some reason I can type in my blog with my iPhone but I can’t from my computer. I’d much rather use the keyboard but I’ll use the keypad from this instead.  It may be Satan’s way of trying to interfere.

Today’s devotional time has been stirring for me. God has me reading now in Hebrews 3. There He tells me how important it is to have faith and to trust Him. The children of Israel had to wait 40 years to enter their promise land due to the original ones’ lack of trust. This hit home for me. I’ve never trusted my full struggle into the hands of God or man. I wanted to keep control over this aspect. I wanted to be a victim of homosexuality only and not one who struggles too with the nature of it. So that control is now surrendered. How God uses my story is fully in His hands now.

My Celebrate Recovery step study lesson for tomorrow asks what I’ve tried to cover up?  Talk about God making all the pieces work together!  I think I’m ready to hit the road with this warfare of mankind. The nature of our struggle doesn’t determine our identity, God does. It only determines the struggle and where Satan tries to attack. It is time to help others find their victory from this.  I’m on assignment.

So today is part 2 of yesterday’s blog.  Here is the last paragraph of yesterday’s entry:

Well, I’ve always feared stepping into the struggle of homosexuality.  I’ve struggled from the abuse of a brother (for 12.5 years) who was gay and I’ve struggled with the thoughts of it.  I’ve talked about this publicly when I give my testimony but I don’t go deeply into facing this giant because of my fear that it owned me.  As a new creation God is showing me that it is a struggle and not an owner.  He is the One who owns me.  When I said last weekend in my blog about the two people who talked to me regarding my addressing this topic, I went into a panic.  I knew I should but I also knew I couldn’t.  God has firmly shown me in the last few days that I can and I will by doing it as the new creation He has given me.  As the new creation I will do this with The Holy Spirit’s empowerment.  Now, that is the end of the plan.  I don’t know anymore.  So now I put into effect the substance of faith, hope and trust.  This new creation has an old man story that needs to be used to help others find the freedom in spirit God is giving me.  I want to help as best I can and now I say–I will as a new creation.

Yesterday afternoon I went by our church office to pay for some materials they had ordered.  Our associate pastor who oversees adult ministries was present and I asked to talk a minute with him.  I told him about what I’d put in the paragraph above.  I asked why our church doesn’t talk more about Spirit-filled living and teach this?  I feel too much like I’m on my own right now.  He assured me he was fully aware of this gap and conversations are taking place to address it.  He then told me about his own overcoming walk with God. His anchor verse is Psalms 51:10–“Create in me a clean heart oh God and renew a right spirit within me.”

As I’ve begun to live more in the new creation God has given me I’ve still had this lingering fear that at the root of me (the heart of me) is this homosexual man.  Today God confidently asked me to face this once and for all.  I did.  I confessed this haunting fear to Him.  God then provided this amazing sense of peace.  I felt this weight lift and replaced with an assurance.  As I said what David said in Psalms 51:10 I knew that God had just done this.  He gave me a clean heart that is no longer afraid.  I can now easily see the difference between the struggle of homosexuality I have and the ownership of this.  I am not owned by anything except God my Father and His Team of Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit.  The next step to all of this will come and I can stand knowing He will make the way for this to happen.  I do love my Father and the freedom He provides.

I am awakened this morning to a plan God has been arranging for some time, and today He enlightened me to it.  I can only speak to the “plan” at this point because how it will materialize is yet to happen.  (If I were reading this as a third party I’d think this will be my last time to read the blog.  This guy is going over the edge.)  I have known for years that I have not been in touch with my spirit.  I know about spirit, but I truly haven’t known what living in the reality of spirit means or is like.  I know that the substance of spirit is: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, long suffering, self-control.  These are called the fruits of the spirit found in Galatians 5:22.  I also know that God gives us The Holy Spirit to dwell in us when we receive Jesus Christ as our Savior.  I also know that The Holy Spirit is to dominate our own spirit when we take the step to make Jesus Christ our Lord as well as Savior.  These steps I’ve taken.

In learning about being a new creation resulting from taking the steps above I’ve realized that the new creation is NEW because all three of these beings:  God, Jesus and Holy Spirit ARE the Spiritual Kingdom.  If I’m going to be able to live in my new creation I’ve got to begin trusting what I cannot see and touch to be my strength.  Some other items of substance for spirit are: trust, hope, faith and more.

So, how does this fit into a plan that God showed me this morning?  Well, I’ve always feared stepping into the struggle of homosexuality.  I’ve struggled from the abuse of a brother who was gay and I’ve struggled with the thoughts of it.  I’ve talked about this publicly when I give my testimony but I don’t go deeply into facing this giant because of my fear that it owned me.  As a new creation God is showing me that it is a struggle and not an owner.  He is the One who owns me.  When I said last weekend in my blog about the two people who talked to me regarding my addressing this topic, I went into a panic.  I knew I should but I also knew I couldn’t.  God has firmly showed me in the last few days that I can and I will by doing it as the new creation He has given me.  As the new creation I will do this with The Holy Spirit’s empowerment.  Now, that is the end of the plan.  I don’t know anymore.  So now I put into effect the substance of faith, hope and trust.  This new creation has an old man story that needs to be used to help others find the freedom in spirit God is giving me.  I want to help as best I can and now I say–I will as a new creation.

So the day focused on “love” ends with me taking Kathy to Quick Care to find she has pneumonia in her right lung.  We were at one of our grandson’s basketball game when she started feeling this intense pain under her right arm.  I didn’t know it at the time.  I left 10 minutes before the game ended to get to our men’s class at church.  She called me in route and so I left and came home taking her directly to St. Luke’s Quick Care where they did an x-ray to find the pneumonia.  She’s now on antibiotic.  One of my daughter’s told me it was a chance to learn to be a good care provider.  What could that mean??  Probably has something to do with that love message of yesterday.

On a different note, I am sensing God taking me into a genuine understanding of the topic homosexuality.  I talk about it relating to my past but I rarely talk about it as a struggle for me personally.  The issue between identity and struggle is what God wants cleared up so I can be be free to live as this new creation.  I must be ready to face this demon as it has been very present since last Thursday.  I know from past experiences that I can stand and do this as God is wanting to be the Light of Truth for me in it.  There are so many people silently struggling with this dilemma.  I’m not sure yet how all this will materialize, but I do know God wants me free of the paralyzing identity of this.  I want to be bold in His Kingdom work.  To God be the Glory!

A day focused on love–Valentines Day.  I Corinthians 13 tells us that it is the most important component of living.  We are also told in scripture to love our neighbor as ourselves.  Men are told to love their wives.  These are all commands from God and not suggestions.  I think I know the importance of love. I have endured the focus on it each Feb. 14th rather than embraced it.  Love has always frightened me.  The physical side of “love” was so abused that I’ve never been able to eliminate the flood of fear that comes to mind when I’m being approached with love.  If I’m giving it I know my intent is pure.  When I’m receiving it I’m OK if I know it is coming.  If I’m startled into it, I want to flee.  These patterns of behavior are certainly better now that God is continuously working on me to be a new creation.  However, the lingering effects still come forth and trigger patterns of behavior from old ways.  With all this said I want to start embracing love.  Love isn’t to be fear invoking and God is removing the fear I’ve housed.  I’m so grateful for this.

God is helping me learn the difference between owning and struggling.  Instead of struggling with my past, it owned me.  God has been so thorough and kind in relentlessly showing me how much His Son Jesus loves me and has provided a thorough cleansing of all this past.  The memories of the past are with me but they don’t induce paralysis.  They more often induce a passion to help others who are stuck.  The deeper side of love for me has become a charge for helping others who are stuck; ones who struggle to know the intimate love God has always intended for them.  If I can be of help for someone with this struggle, I would be so honored.

Being a lifelong educator and gardener I find my analogies to life come mostly from these two arenas.  When a child is struggling with a difficult subject, they usually don’t tackle it with vigor.  They are usually timid about it and believe they can’t learn it.  They need one to one compassionate help to see that they can understand the subject/content but they need help personalizing the learning different than the whole class is getting.  This morning I am feeling like this is what God is giving me of late.

Learning to live as a new creation is something I’ve longed for, for years.  I didn’t know to call it a new creation.  I just wanted to be free of my past.  Little did I know the amount of work it would take to address all the beliefs I have had about myself and the world around me.  I said in yesterday’s blog that the topic of homosexuality is one I don’t relish.  I know that God is wanting me to use my story to help others with theirs–whether it is escaping from the victim side of it or from the sin side of it.  This morning and yesterday afternoon I was processing fears and more fears about it in my mind.  However, during my devotional time God has replaced those fears with His Amazing Light.  He reminded me that He is with me fully: within and around me.  What He will lead me into will be done with Him and for His purposes.  So, today I am standing inside and outside.

I just want to say that I know this topic of homosexuality is a hot one in society today.  No one loves the person that struggles with this anymore than me.  It is the simple truth that this topic is a sin nature like so many others.  Learning to live with a sin nature as a struggle rather than as an identity is what God is teaching me.  Society needs to understand this as well as each individual who has the struggle.  I am ready to help the individual, not sure what to do about our society.  This will take much more clarity from God and The Team:  God, Christ Jesus and The Holy Spirit.

Yesterday’s entry did not happen as any reader would know.  I had to be to a breakfast meeting in town by 7:00 am for the Aslan work.  In spite of rising early, I just didn’t get it done.  That meeting was followed by another one at our church which I wanted to attend in support of Celebrate Recovery.  At that end of that meeting I was asked by our sr pastor’s wife if I could talk with her a minute.  She and her husband are putting together a weekend conference for this fall to address strongholds Satan has in people’s lives.  She asked if I’d be willing to work with them.  Of course I’m willing I said.  Then she told me the topic she’d like me to support is homosexuality.  Inside I went to my knees but I stayed standing on the outside.  I’ve talked about this influence on my life for a few years now and I’ve had a few months of living as a “new creation”.  Why would this be paralyzing?

My bible reading is in II Timothy.  This morning in chapter 3:12 it says: “Indeed all who delight in piety and are determined to live a devoted and godly life in Christ Jesus will meet with persecution.”  Joyce Meyer, the one whose Bible edition I’m reading, has a footnote with this verse.  It reads, “If we will stay standing on the inside, God will take care of the outside.  If we do what we can do, God will do what we cannot do.”

Of all the abuse: sexual, verbal, physical, I withstood growing up, the fact that the sexual was homosexual still sickens me.  Its the one thing I want to put back into denial.  In the past weeks of new creation living, this item has been fairly silent in my life.  These past few days have assured me that God is wanting me to stand with him on the inside and on the outside addressing this topic.  I can see this morning that homosexuality is a struggle and not something that owns us.  That is what Satan wants me and others to believe.  I want to be a human voice for God in this.

These past few weeks of actually living in the new creation has given me something I didn’t know could ever be possible on this earth–true freedom.  For a paralyzing moment yesterday I didn’t think I had that freedom any longer.  However, God has helped me sort through my fear and His Strength so I can see I will never live alone again.  It is in His Strength and His work I will be doing whatever He asks from this point forward.  Thank you Father, Christ and Holy Spirit.

The graciousness of God, His Son and His Holy Spirit is amazing.  I was given a word picture this morning of this Threesome dancing in heaven each time the Holy Spirit is allowed by one of us to infill us with His Holy Presence so we may become in Christ’s likeness.  I had never thought of such an event taking place.  I know scripture talks about the angels rejoice when one comes to accept Christ in their lives, but to even think that The Almighty God is also rejoicing with His Own Team just makes me want to cry and smile all at the same time.  God has been digging deeply into intimacy with me this week.

I realize that the struggles of this week have been with Satan fighting to keep ownership of all the beliefs I’ve had regarding my personal self-worth.  I spent the day yesterday with the counselor who helped me so much just a few years back with the PTSD therapy and more.  We were at our state capitol meeting with legislators interested in our Aslan Academy work. She even asked me if the present battle was my intimate belief of me.  Of course, it is.  However, God showing me His love for me and Christ’s love for me is helping me to believe the intimacy of His Precious Holy Spirit is also for me.  I find myself welcoming Him and then doubting Him all within the same day.  I know this is all my old beliefs being uprooted by His Presence in my life.  The beauty is that He-the very Spirit of God is winning.

Intimacy is a gift I want to learn to accept and give.  I know it is far more spiritual than flesh but I want to accept it and give it in each part of me.  So, I am in a part of this journey that has always been fear invoking for me, but this time I’m staying and not fleeing.

Today’s journey starts with an unexpected awakening for me.  Last night I was teaching the Celebrate Recovery lesson on “Spiritual Inventory”.  It is all about working through the hurts of your past identifying who was involved in them.  It then takes you into looking at the hurt you caused and identifying who was involved in them.  Last week’s lesson was Inventory and this week is Spiritual Inventory.  For the first few years in CR I didn’t even note the difference in the titles.  For me it was just insight on completing this emotionally labor-intense task.  The key word is Spiritual.  In order to teach last night’s lesson I needed to understand why Spiritual was added to the title.  As I’d been prepping for the lesson I began to understand.

Doing the Inventory in Celebrate Recovery makes one fully exposed–raw.  How else can all that must be exposed to the healing Light of God be cleansed and healed?  However, for anyone to be this honest he must have help and trust.  This is where the Spiritual part comes in.  None of us are that honest on our own.  However, God’s gift–The Holy Spirit–called The Helper, is our intervention piece.  It is with His empowerment and trust that we can be brave enough to take this step of full exposure.  The outcome is always rewarding because the weight of this is gone and the cleansing provided is miraculous.  One also finds “no condemnation” too.  Instead, one finds greater acceptance and love.

So, I taught this last night and it seemed to go well.  No one knew except God that I personally had my one sentence moment of mistrust in the lesson.  The script of the lesson has the teacher thanking God for our past so it can now be used as a Godly tool to help others unravel their own past and find forgiveness and peace.  I can thank God for using my past and at times I have thanked Him for the past.  However, deep down I haven’t thanked Him truly.  I knew this morning that this troublesome area had to do with The Holy Spirit and me.  He is said to be Christ’s gift–God’s Helper to us.  The new creation in me couldn’t respond and I needed help knowing where HE–God’s Helper was in the years of abuse.  So, I asked.

It was amazing to sense the love and compassion that came over me.  He outlined so specifically Who He Is and who I am to Him.  In flesh I felt alone, but in spirit, He was fully with me.  He is healing this wounded area I thought was abandonment due to my worthlessness to Him.  He is assuring me it is quite the contrary.  I never expected to have this conversation with The Holy Spirit but I’m so glad we did.  He Loves Me and I’m more assured than ever this is true.

Today is truly part II of yesterday’s blog.  I didn’t know at this time yesterday that the temptations of the previous night weren’t finished.  Throughout the day I had the lingering questions and suppressed anxiety that the thoughts of inability were still me.  By the middle of the afternoon I’d talked about this with Kathy but the struggle was increasing instead of diminishing.  Last night was the beginning of the men’s study called 7 Pillars.  It is the in-depth study for those struggling with sexual addiction.  It follows the Conquer series.  We guys have a close relationship so I was able to tell them about the day’s struggle because it was by then turning into sexual temptations.  I was reminded by the leader that Satan’s deceptions are real.  I know this very real truth, but I needed to hear it from the outside–my inside was spiraling.  It helped to anchor me.

This morning as I took my book: The Nature of Freedom: I was to tell God what I’m most excited about when moving into the freedom of the new creation.  I told Him about yesterday (as though He didn’t know) and how I really longed to get much better acquainted with The Holy Spirit.  Over the past several months I’d found myself truly getting to know Him, God, and His Son Jesus much more intimately.  I don’t have substance for The Holy Spirit and He seems so mysterious.  My Bible reading was in I Timothy 1-3 where Paul is outlining for Timothy about leadership and how a leader is to live.  I could see much more plainly how living this way was possible when you are living as a new creation.  I have always struggled in my mind with this, knowing I “was a hypocrite”.  My living might look good but I was the one who wasn’t good.

As I finished the bible reading I went to my own journal where I was able to tell God how much I did wish to know His Holy Spirit like I did Him.  The struggle of yesterday had been haunting for me.  As I asked Him what He wanted me to know from Him this day, He told me, “Earnie, a might lesson was held yesterday.  You struggled, you stepped, I intervened, you confessed the struggle and I have shed Light.  Who did you see–My Holy Spirit.  He is the Light that allows you to now see the difference between the past weeks when you lived in peace as the new creation and the anxiety that comes when you are tempted to move back into the old self which is dead.  Now that you have seen this clearly for the first time you can leave the battle with us, for it is ours to fight–which by the way–We’ve already destroyed with our Light.  The lingering fears and moments are the evil attempts to sway you.  Be strong in US–your TEAM (God, Jesus, Holy Spirit).

What was amazing was that I could now see the difference between living the old life I’ve always struggled with and living in the new creation I’d experienced the past few weeks.  I was also able to see how Satan was trying to re-establish himself on the throne of Grace where Christ resides and where The Holy Spirit has cleansed.  So much of this truth lies in what I am learning to believe about God and me.  I am truly a child of the King in the new creation.  The struggle has always been trying to live as a child of the King in the old self. I’ll be better prepared for the next attack.  Our God is amazing!  Lets be strong in the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY.