Well, God being true to Himself, ended yesterday with the finality of yesterday’s blog.  I was wondering how I could ever truly believe that I am “beloved”, and more.  Last night was our men’s class for those dealing with a sexual addiction.  One of the many pieces of the lesson had to do with reading an article about addiction and its effect on the brain.  It also went into some detail regarding early childhood impacts on our brains’ development and patterns of behavior.  The assignment ended with the participant needing to write down 4 promises God has given since starting the course.  Secondly, one was to write down your dream of what your life will be like for you once you have finished this course.

I had attempted to tackle this assignment two weeks ago and had left it.  The only thing I’d written was 3 words about what my dream would be like after finishing the course.  I had written:  “I will live.”  I had put nothing about promises God had given me.  In the two weeks since attempting the assignment our choir had sung at church:  Even in the Valley God is Good; I had received the letter from my prayer warrior, I’d done the Freedom book assignment, read the scripture from II Peter 1:19 and posted yesterday’s writing for the blog.  Last night I was to report out on the assignment and I simply fell apart.  All the other guys read these great responses and wonderful paragraphs of what their lives would be like after the class.  I couldn’t access anything except the trauma of growing up unloved and abused by both my brother and my dad. I mostly tried to withhold my tears and finally passed. I felt like I needed to go back to counseling and start all over again.

At 4:20 this morning I was awakened to the song I mentioned:  “Even in the Valley God is Good” going through my mind.  I couldn’t sleep so got up and began to complete the assignment I hadn’t been able to tackle.  All of a sudden all the promises God had been giving me came to mind.  Promises like:  I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I am my beloveds and He is mine, God created me with His purposes in mind, I am not a mistake.  There were more but these are some of the powerful ones.  The paragraph I was to write but only got 3 words down also came together.  Before, I had written the words:  I will live, because I use to tell myself I would live so I could die.  I looked forward to death so I would be done with all the mental torment.  My promise was I’d live the best I could while I was alive.  However, of late, God has been replacing that desire to die with a genuine desire to live this life with abundant freedom rather than to escape it.  God’s penetrating light promised in II Peter 1:19 hit home and I’m so grateful!

I hope this helps anyone who has similarly struggled.  My prayers are with you until you also find God’s miraculous freedom He promises each of us if we will only BELIEVE.

This morning has been a most tender one for me.  Last night I got home from my grandson’s tournament basketball game and there was a letter from the lady who is my prayer warrior.  In it she had written that she sees a trophy case in heaven with my name on it.  In it are the trophies of those whose lives have been changed by God using me in their lives.  I got teary reading it but put it down wishing down deep this could be true.  This morning in The Nature of Freedom, I read, “Beloved, if you want to know Me as Father then you must learn to love being a much loved child.”

These truths of God’s tenderness–loving me, calling me beloved and a much loved child are so thoughtful.  Could I ever believe it?  Then, in my Bible reading I was in II Peter 1:19.  It says:  “And we have the prophetic word still.  You will do well to pay close attention to it as to a lamp shining in a dismal place, until the day breaks though the gloom  and the Morning Star rises in your hearts.”  As I read it God said it was now time to believe Him and not what my dad had taught me to believe about myself.  I am not Hazel the house maid.  I am not someone who will make a “nice wife” someday.  I am not the boy only good enough to be used sexually by a brother for 12.5 years.  Yes, the bondage of all those sins are gone.  But what wasn’t gone was the “dismal place” where the day break hadn’t shed the Morning Star’s Light as of yet.  Today, having had the letter from my prayer warrior coupled with The Nature of Freedom book, I was challenged to face this.  I asked God how I could possibly let this darkness go?  He instantly said, “Stand and Believe”.  I did and I wept.  The truth is I did this about 4 times.

As I write this now I sense the darkness gone.  I know I am to believe.  I wrote in my journal, Mark 9:24–“I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief!”  I know God in His Faithfulness will help me do this too.  Somehow I know His Holy Spirit has been wanting this moment to take place for a while.  Embracing this is daunting for me.  Feeling loved and good about yourself doesn’t have to mean one is egotistical.  That was another of dad’s messages.  These lies will be replaced with truth now that the Morning Star is shining into this dismal place.  I do BELIEVE!  I am so grateful for God’s continued love and patience.

Yesterday I didn’t post.  I had time to do so after finishing my devotions ahead of leaving for church.  However, I simply had nothing inspired within me to write, so I didn’t.  Today I believe I know why.

I’ve had a couple troubling items on my mind.  One is taking place today.  I am doing some work with a neighboring school district that recently took some steps I detested.  My reason for going to them today and tomorrow have nothing to do with the steps taken, but my attitude towards the leadership has been difficult.  I will be working directly with them today and tomorrow.  This morning God showed my that arrogance is from man’s pride and I needed to see mine before I go in His Name to the work He has me doing.  He told me I am to go do the work I’m assigned to do and He would do the work He is assigned to do.  I am not God and He hasn’t asked me to step into the trouble I’ve noted.  I really needed to hear this and so now I’ve let it go and asked forgiveness for  an “old me” attitude.

Secondly, the other thing God pointed out is regarding the landscaping wall I’m doing in my yard.  I had my grandsons helping me this weekend and I wanted to get the most of it done with their help.  The kids were eager to help, but it is hard, heavy work lifting those blocks and tearing down the old wall being replaced.  I was going to drive us through the resistance and get as far as my mind saw us getting.  Well, that didn’t happen and yesterday morning God pointed out that He didn’t want me persisting with the wall work on His Day.  So, after I got home from church, the first words out of my grandson’s mouth were, “Grandpa, I don’t think we should be doing the wall today.”  I told him I agreed and that we would enjoy the afternoon relaxing.  This morning God showed me how much my attitude was reflecting my disgust for the unfinished projects my dad would start and then never finish.  I’d hate that.  My drive to get the work done was interfering with the relationship I want to keep with my grandsons.  I’m awake to this now and it feels like a new creation’s work now and not that old me who is dead and in my past.

I truly want to live 24/7 as the new creation God has given me.  I am learning and so grateful that our God is eternally patient.

The faithfulness of God is Amazing.  I don’t know why I’m always surprised by this, but I am human and each time God fulfills what He promises, I shake my head in amazement.  Yesterday I needed to prove to myself that I could live in intimacy as a new creation and not the anxious old man I’d always been.  God not only showed me that I can do this by believing and not begging, but that this world is made up of many more new creations.  I’ve been so focused on what being a new creation is all about for me that I hadn’t opened my eyes to all those around me.  God is making my world bigger all the time.

Today I have another new creation action I’m taking.  I know that it is one God has opened the door to do.  I can write more about it when it would be appropriate to do so.  In times past I’d be anxious about this but not so today.  The assurance that God is the creator of all and we are His servants leaves me trusting and believing.  The beggar is gone now that my eyes are opened.  God is so AMAZING.

Today I am a new creation, a believer and not a beggar.  Also today, in my devotional time I read that the new creation no longer has a sin nature within.  It was replaced with the nature of God through the Holy Spirit and Christ coming into my life when I accepted Him as my Lord and Savior.  If I had ever been taught that at some point in my life, it sure didn’t register.  I have always been so filled with my belief that something as pure as The Holy Spirit just couldn’t take residence in me.  Now God is taking all my old character defects, beliefs, lies of Satan, and replacing them with the truths of Himself and His Team:  Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit.

So many times when people have revelations in their lives like this they say something like:  “I just want to back up 40 years and do this all over again.”  Unless I could change all the first 22 years of my life, I would not want to ever go back.  What is strikingly different for me is my personal desire to live.  I have always enjoyed life from the standpoint of having moments of fun with people and rewarding times in nature with just nature, God and me.  But, the abuse of childhood left me wishing for human life to end so I could live for eternity without the haunts of it.  This is what has truly begun to change for me.  Most of the haunts are gone and I look forward to living life each day.  That is an amazing feeling I hope you have too.

Yesterday was truly a Spring day.  Not only did I get a small start doing the landscaping wall, but I pruned all my raspberries and dug 200 of them to give away tomorrow.  My muscles are sore today but I love this type of “sore”.

I am awakening to living as a new creation 24/7.  A few weeks back I recall writing that the journey had come to a halt momentarily.  I wasn’t going forward, I was actually staying put and God was taking me through a few days of letting go completely the old me and showing me the new creation.  After about 4 days of that I knew I was stepping into the world as a new creation.  All of that went quite well for about 2 weeks.  Now I am learning what it is to be a new creation and live in a sinful world where I am to face temptations, address all the same things I already do and see them through the lens of a believer and not a beggar.  The new creation believes that God has placed me there on purpose.  The beggar believes that he must endure to the end and hope he makes it without stepping into sin.  This change is me through and through.  There is work and discipline connected to this but the reality is showing me that God meant it when He said I am a new creation in Christ.  He is faithfully making this very clear.  How I love Him for this.

It is nice to be into March and it’s a beautiful morning as the sun is rising.  I have all my landscaping blocks here so I can start my “garden work”, yet I have much other work to do so I am in a quandary as to which way I should go.  I’ll probably just get the blocks started so I can at least touch the earth for a moment!

Walking as a new creation is going to take some time and learning for me.  I should know this but I have always had this fantasy mindset that once you know you can do it perfectly.  I’m as bad today as when I was a kid with being hit up along side my head when I fall flat on my face and realize, I didn’t do that so well.  This happened Monday with falling into the beggar mindset of the old me and it started to happen yesterday when I was working with the school district.  I’m realizing the habits of the old me need to be addressed as they pop up.  I struggle to realize I’m still a new creation even when I do have these old habits surface.  It is sure a great thing that our God is so gracious.  The fact that He always see Christ Jesus in me is reassuring that I’m making progress.  These times are growing me into a fuller awareness of my being a new creation–not stepping out of it back into the old.

I do love the fact that God is growing the spirit with me.  The ugliness of the old self is really visible from the lens of the new creation.  I want to be a good learner in this realm.