Today is the memorial service for Randy. Yesterday was spent at my nieces home getting the yard ready, parking area readied, and simple chores needing done for a hundred people to be at their home. They have s small acreage so they can handle all of this without overloading anything. It’s nice of them to host the service for my sis’s family. 

Even though I’ve got my message ready for today I sense an insecurity. I know this is more about me and how I’ve always seen myself. God has already told me to know I’m redeemed and this is His service for Randy. My role is to complete the spiritual work He’s assigned to me.  I’m going in His name to do so. The two sons are both talking. This will be a tough moment on them but they agree they want to do this. I know it will be healing for them. One told me last night he’s glad we’ve waited a couple weeks to do the service. He’s more emotionally able to do this now. 

God is good and always is. Randy and God are present in this day. Randy was a quiet servant to God and he’d want today’s glory to go to God the Father. Being servants today ourselves we want to make sure this is done. 

My brother and his wife arrived yesterday earlier than expected. The one brother who was to come with them changed his mind at the last minute so they left a day before. Today the last brother and wife fly down. It is so nice to see such great support building for Bonnie and her late husband Randy. Bonnie is like most of us in the Lewis family–doubtful she matters too much to very many. God is graciously showing her otherwise. 

When I came before it was obvious what needed attention. Now it’s less so. Just being here seems to be the right thing. God said to watch where He is working and join Him. It’s funny but I’ve never thought to watch for God working in just visiting. I’ve always looked for physical evidence of work. I’ll pay better attention today to the relationship piece. God is so amazing. 

I was given a book a couple weeks ago by one of our pastors to read. I knew I’d be coming back to California leaving yesterday so I saved it for the trip and plane ride. The books title is: People of the Second Chance. It is all about the authors life and learning to let God use what he thought he’d need to keep hidden. His story is far different from mine but many of the roots of tragedy and abuse are exactly the same. At one point I was going to tell Kathy about it to find if I talked I would just start crying. I said it would have to wait. 

The part of the book which I’m truly learning is real for me is just how much Satan doesn’t want anyone talking about their past to help someone with theirs. These strongholds are his handiwork. More than ever I’m convinced and committed to being Gods servant in this area. 

My sis is making good progress with her moving forward having lost her husband Randy. The service Saturday will be a celebration and I can see that she is ready now. As tough as loss is there is a beautiful reality waiting for us on the other side if Christ has been able to take the lead. I’m so glad Bonnie is at this place. To God be all glory. 

It is 4:40 am and we are almost ready to leave for the airport.  Even though one might be physically ready, the emotional angst is always present.  There is a responsibility I sense when doing something like Randy’s memorial service.  I know there will be several present who don’t know Jesus as their Lord and Savior as Randy did.  Randy was a quiet man but I do think he’d want something said at his service.  I’ve worked that into the short message I’ve prepared.  I want Randy and God to be glorified in this.  I’ve written what I believe God wants said.  In reading it to Kathy yesterday she said it was good.  I’ll trust this unless there is something God gives me later this week.

There will be six of us Idahoans arriving today and two more Thursday.  I’m glad all of us here could go.  I’m not sure what is needing to be done but I do believe just being there is the most important.  In spite of all the dysfunction in our family, it does pull together in times like this.  Praise God.

Today’s journey is a combination of prepping to leave again for California and simple yard work.  I suppose the yard work being done today is part of the prepping.  I like to mow my lawn right before I leave so no one else has to do it while I’m gone.  When it comes to my yard I do like to be the one doing the work.  My grandson who lives with us, Dante, is gone until Thursday so he will do some watering for me after he returns.  Other than that, it’s OK.

It is hard to walk into this week without a good deal of anxiety.  Doing the service this coming Saturday for Randy, my bother in law, makes me want to hurry everything along so it can be done.  However, I want to not be in a mindset like this so I don’t enjoy the time together with all of our family.  I certainly don’t want to have my sis and her family thinking this is a chore.  I want to be a good servant for God in this time.  Anxiety is a huge deterrent I know.  I surrender it often and so I’ll keep doing this.  Once we get there I think this will get better.  Usually the unknown is much worse than the known.

I am grateful for today.  The house is empty except for Kathy and me.  Kathy and I can have some time to talk which we need and doing all the prep for the next week’s absence can be finished.  God is always good at preparing the way.  My trust in God is spoken by me, yet my actions–worrying about details, doesn’t often reflect trust.  It is always a good reminder that God is faithful in spite of me–us.  How I love Him for this and modeling it faithfully for me.

Today is Mother’s Day.  I’ve liked this day because I liked and loved my own mom.  Celebrating it the last few years has been nice too.  We go out to dinner the night before and then spend the day taking time for a Sunday drive, picnic, doing things just Kathy likes.  Today is different.  We have two grandkids with us, things to get ready to leave for California for the memorial service, etc.

God is wanting me to be much more awake to a character defect I’m now seeing:  selfishness.  My biggest lesson is how easily I’m attacked when I’m selfish.  I’ve not thought of myself as selfish, at least not very much anyway.  This was too much like dad and I hated such thoughts.  However, I’m really seeing this is me.  I’ve easily seen how Satan attacked me last week.  I see how easily we are attacked when we are in a selfish mode.  Satan feeds our appetite in this area.  I sure want to be a good learner and guard my heart a lot better in the future.  I also know that I need to stay in touch with Kathy and my support team during a time like this.  The facts of all this I’ve known for some time, but putting these facts into actual experience is my need.  Pride is right there are the top of the list with selfishness too.  Who wants to believe that flesh can dominate their strength?  I’ve sure never wanted to think that about me–once again it was too much like the way I saw dad.  However, once again, I was there.  I didn’t want to let others know I was struggling so much.  Leaning on God’s strength instead of my own is a tough shift.  Little by little I’m learning.

Our last Celebrate Recovery Step Study lesson is today.  It is on Leaders.  It starts out saying leaders are good learners.  Well, I want to be a good learner in what I’m recently experiencing.  So, here we go.

I was quickly aware last night when Kathy arrived home that the timeline for the weekend I’d programed in my mind was not what would actually take place.  At least if any of it would take place it would need to be readdressed as to when it would happen.  It just takes a wife and grandkids to awaken grandpa that life is much bigger than what is his mind!

All of this seemed quite timely actually as only a journey with God is.  As I started my devotions this morning I was still wanting to manipulate the weekend’s time for me and my agenda.  My Bible reading in Deuteronomy was all about Moses’ last speech to the Israelites informing them of what their 40 years in the wilderness hopefully taught them as they were closing in on entering the promise land.  The footnotes in my Bible said that God has the same hope for us today.  He wants us to learn from our past to live unselfishly in the future–learn our lessons once and for all.  The selfishness I had in mind for the weekend got replaced without even talking about it.  I just needed to be made aware of my world including the rest of my family.  Maybe that’s a “man’s mind” but I told God I sure need help with this.  I wrote a couple days ago how I don’t like making contact with Kathy when she’s gone.  I’d rather talk when she returns face to face.  However, I realized this morning that it is the “not talking” that allows me to build these narrow thoughts which don’t include all they should.  I’m learning, but it is slow.

God is so patient!  He wants me to learn to use His patience.  I can only do this as I open myself up to the influences He wants me to be in constant association with, Himself, my wife and the others who are significant in my life.  I’m going to work on this.

I was up early today to meet with a couple of our Celebrate Recovery men.  It was amazing to sit in a restaurant and talk so openly about things that I lived all my life keeping a secret.  Now I use all of that to help others to not keep their secrets.  I always find it so amazing how God does this:  Takes our mess and make it His message.  He is an amazing God.  The one gentleman is wanting to co-lead our next step study.  He and I will do it together.  We met with his sponsor as he is still working to stay true to his own recovery and not fall prey to relapse.  God is so good in letting us help one another with things He is teaching us about the new creation we are and how to live in our new creation, not falling back into our old self habits.

Kathy is coming home today!  I think it is the first time in my life that I’ve been so looking forward to her return after being gone.  It just so happened to couple with my absence for a week and then her leaving as I returned.  There is much I want to process with her.  Some people talk on the phone to do this but I need to process face to face in order to do it well.  I even think this somehow ties to intimacy.  Processing info is important to me and I want to see the person I’m talking with.  Phone calls are fine for incidentals, but the substance of life needs a body present.

I have felt that God is taking me into deeper water of learning lately.  Learning to see where He is working so I can join Him is key.  I’ve always looked at things I’d enjoy doing or things I’m asked to do which I’d enjoy as a key element to knowing whether to do it or not.  These may still be true but the key is ensuring God is working in the activity and wants me there rather than me thinking I’m taking God into a project.  I want to do this well but it is new for me.  God is faithful all the time and I want to be more faithful in learning to follow Him and participate only where He is leading.

While I was in California with my sis I was contacted by one of the school districts I’d worked with.  They were wanting additional help for a new administrator they’d hired at their district office.  I spent yesterday with them and will again today.  I didn’t plan well for yesterday’s time.  I got up and had my devotions but didn’t allow time for writing the blog.  The State Dept. of Ed is conducting the work of yesterday and today and I was pulled aside by one of them wondering why I’d pulled out of some work I did for them a couple years ago?  They are redesigning the work and wondered if I had any interest in returning to assist in it.  My guts were screaming, “YES, I love doing this.”  However, I’m learning that God wants me seeking His voice, not that of my old self.  I want to be good at hearing God’s voice and doing the work where He is working.

This morning I couldn’t sleep with much on my mind additional to what I stated above.  As I was journaling and asking God how to know His direction for me, He pointed out that I’m being asked to assist in developing a new route for the work I’d previously done.  Choosing to participate in the work once it’s developed is an entirely different item.  I was amazed to see this clarity of purpose.  My instincts have always been to jump to implementation with anything I ever see or hear about.  I love doing the work.  Well, there is much work needing to be done in developing it too God is saying.  So, I’m going to wait and see what develops and see where God is actually working.  From there I’ll listen for the next step.  The serenity prayer says to take one day at a time, one moment at a time–I said this again in Celebrate Recovery last night.  It is always a good reminder of how God wants us to address life.

Getting back home for a few days has allowed me to reconnect with the 7 Pillars group of men.  It has also allowed me to get caught up with the two lessons I missed.  I started the lessons yesterday morning after my devotional time and had to stop.  It was too painful for continuing at the moment.  The lessons titles are “Warfare” and “Facing the Pain”.  I could see why the lessons required the activities to be completed, but even with my background of help, it was too much for one sitting.  At noontime I talked with the one teaching the lessons and he had good insight for me.  Today, as I just finished them I could see why they were needing to be completed.  The activities had me not only identifying the 10 most painful events of my past, but then I had to answer 3 questions for each one.  In doing so I was then able to see why some of those events still had some grip on me.  Things like my identity, how I see myself, how I think others see me, how I believe God has seen me, the value God places in me, etc.  Even though I’ve know to call all of these thoughts a lie, I hadn’t replaced them with God’s truth in every case.  Letting the truth of God’s Light shine on them was very needed.

This event in the lesson required me to turn from darkness I’ve run from all my life.  Instead of running from the darkness I turned and faced it.  Amazingly, in facing it the Light of God’s truth and understanding was shed.  I am so grateful to be part of this class and completing this curriculum which God has inspired.  Being a new creation in Christ only continues to take root as these assignments are completed.  I am so grateful!