Summer begins today and it has begun.  The heat has come.  Yesterday was a rough day to work through.  I had a couple of appointments, one with Kathy about our investments and one for the Aslan project where we are looking to purchase property.  I was having trouble focusing in both meetings because I was troubled by phone calls from ones who are personally struggling.  The meetings were fine and productive, I just felt I wasn’t .

This morning I was lamenting with God about the helplessness I feel when the struggles expressed are simply beyond anything one can do except listen, acknowledge and somewhat grieve with the one hurting.  God was quick to remind me that this is His Work, not mine.  My role is to support and support doesn’t need to look like fixing.  Writing this makes me quickly think of one of Celebrate Recovery guidelines.  It reads:  “…we are to support one another and not try to fix each other.”  I know this well but when someone is hurting badly, I do feel the need to at least put some salve on the wound. Then, as I write this, I’m reminded that expressing a hurt to someone you trust is allowing salve to be put on it.  It can start to heal once the wound has been opened.  This is the clarity God is wanting me to see.  This is how I am to support while He alone does the healing.

Now I can go into today ready to live through the events of it.  God is so good.  I do want to be a good listener and a good responder to His leadership in my life.

Last night my grandson who lives with us came home from being with his siblings and dad.  He told me his girlfriend and he had broken up.  As he started to talk about it he wept. The circumstances have been hurtful and painful.  In the last three years our grandson has lived over 2 of them with us.  Prior to moving in with us the beginning of his senior year in high school, he had lived with his mom, his dad, and in and out of friends and his aunt’s home over about 16 months.  After his parents split, he couldn’t decide where he should live.  There was much hurt he experienced during that time and he had no place to express it.  It ended being expressed in many unhealthy ways.  Over time, after he moved in, we talked much regarding the lessons he learned during this ragged time.  He even went to a counselor recently who is helping him continue the learning from hurts.

Last night I began to see the character defects he is beginning to develop about himself–the lies that unexpressed hurts cause us to believe about ourselves.  When they go unexpressed/unprocessed, we begin to turn the hurt into beliefs.

I write all of this because I, for the first time, saw how my own character defects were fed and groomed during my own adolescent years.  They continued into my first marriage and by the time my wife left me when I was 29, they had begun to have deep taproots into my belief system of me:  who I am, what I meant to God, and how God couldn’t trust me.  It helps to see this in someone else to better understand how this happened to me.  Satan is so deceptive.  He wants to manipulate life so the beauty in God’s creation is destroyed and then we start losing our trust in God.  All of this helps me better know how to talk with my grandson and others who are being beat up by the life they are living–many times by their own choices, they just don’t see it that way as of yet.

God is so good.  I cannot thank Him enough for the clarity He provides when we stay in communication with Him.  To God be all Glory!

It is Father’s Day.  That doesn’t mean the journey stops.  It just has a focus within it.  I started I Kings today in my scripture reading having completed the Samuel’s yesterday.  Of course they go into the kings following David.  I Kings is primarily the closing out of David’s reign and then describing Solomon’s reign.  There is so much focus on what good leadership is like and what hinders and stops it from being good.  The surprising (but shouldn’t be surprising) thing is that man is not in control of his leadership like he thinks he is.  God is in control in the background.  When a good leader realizes this and submits to it, he then is in control in man’s eyes.  Part of a good leader’s responsibility is to keep the observing man aware that God is the ultimate one controlling the outcomes.  When we begin to think we are the ones in control is when we falter.

I’m starting a new step study for The Journey Begins today with lesson 1–Denial.  What is standing out to me in this lesson, even though I’ve done them 8 times, is Light.  Denial is darkness to the truth.  God is Light.  So when we step out of denial we are allowing the Light of Truth to penetrate the darkness of what we have wanted to keep hidden.  There aren’t too many things any longer I’m in denial about, but there are somethings I’ve been avoiding which I believe is the start of denial.  I’ve not known how to deal with them without conflict so I’ve kept them on a back burner.  Today, I’m challenged to look at them through the lens of God’s Light.  He showed me that I can use His Light to penetrate my avoidance.  I can simply step into them one day at a time, one moment at a time.  It is then I will begin to see what next steps ought to be taken.  That is so simple, yet until I allow God’s Light to permeate what I’ve kept hidden, I stay in avoidance and soon turn it into denial–saying something like, “Well, it just has to be that way.”  I don’t want to do that any longer.

Can you tell I’m avoiding Father’s Day?  It hurts somehow.  I’ve always endured it as a discipline.  When dad was alive I’d honor him out of obedience to God’s command.  It is God my Father that I truly honor today.  I also want to be an honorable dad and grandpa.  In fact yesterday I was taking two of my grandkids shopping for bikes.  I told them it seemed odd that it was almost Father’s Day and I was buying them gifts instead of vise versa.  The one said, “Isn’t Father’s Day about feeling good about what you are doing?”  Well, I was feeling really good getting the chance to see them so happy.  So, that took care of that question!

In this morning’s Bible reading I finished the last 3 chapters of II Samuel.  It is incredible and disheartening at the same time to realize how self-centered man is .  God brought the Israelites out of Egypt to give them their own Promised Land.  Yet, who did they see–Moses.  All through the judges following Moses and Joshua the people continued to see the man–the judge.  As God finally told Samuel it was OK to appoint a king for them, God said the people hadn’t abandoned Samuel, they had abandoned Him as their King.  Today in wrapping up David’s leadership for Israel, the chapters tell over and over how God used David and his mighty men to conquer Israel’s enemies.  Yet, who did the people see–David and the men.  Are we different today?  Not at all.  The nature of man is man.  The spirit of man is God but we still want to make it man.

I’ve been in leadership most of my life in one form or another.  I never allowed myself to move too high in rank because I would be too visible and people might learn of my past and then I’d be shunned and shut out.  I am fully awake to the “man thinking” of this now.  In all our leadership, great or small, God wants us to give Him the credit by pointing people to Him.  Whether it is secular or ministry leadership, it is not difficult to direct purposeful leadership to Godly ways helping people to see that in following God’s ways we are empowered by His Spirit.

More and more I’m realizing that God’s Light which is seen when we give Him the “charge” of our work, will illuminate people to Him.  Before Celebrate Recovery and my counseling the Light shed shone only on my past to me.  When that happened I allowed the voices of my past to take charge of how I responded to God.  I would only do as much as I felt safe doing–even as a leader I did this.  However, as I awakened to just how much God wanted to take all I feared and turn it into His Kingdom Work, I have been able to surrender more completely.  I’m sure I have a long way to go yet, but I know now that letting God’s Light shine through me is one thing, helping the listener find safety in having that same Light focus on God’s desire to help them deal with their “hurts, hang-ups and habits” is yet another.  God’s Light does illuminate our past but in so doing He has a plan already in place to replace the past with purpose and overcoming.  Praise His Holy Name!

Today’s devotions in all arenas has been about praising God in the midst of any and all storms.  Surrendering to Him always so His strength can become yours.  Examples of Paul saying he was glad when he was weak for then God can be strong and David proclaiming that in all his weakness God’s strength was seen.  These are excellent examples of who God wants us to be–God wants me to be.

Because of Mother’s Day being so close to Father’s Day and having had many years of enjoying those days with my kids and grandkids makes my heart ache when they come.  The present state of my own kids’ relationship with one another makes these days lonely.  Yet, what does God say to do in times like these?  “Praise Him.”  He says to believe, to trust, to have faith.  I needed these reminders this morning.

As I had journaled earlier this morning I asked God what He wanted me to know from Him today?  His message was precise and simple:  “Be still and know that I am God.”  He has been telling me this the past few days and reminding me that these issues are His garden plots.  He is working the soil so they can be fruitful.  My role needs to be still and know that God is at work.  My role is also to believe, trust and have faith in the very One who took my garden plot (me) and turned it from a mess of weeds to a fruitful garden He uses to feed hungry, hurting souls lost in their own hurts, hang-ups and habits.

God is truly faithful.  I needed this reminder today.  Thank you Father.

God is so faithful!  Yesterday as our quartet was singing and I was getting close to the time for sharing, I found myself far more in touch with the group’s response to the messages of the songs.  I had not seen this to the extent I did yesterday.  I found myself noticing individuals and connecting with them as the hour was progressing.  When I told our story of my recovery the same battle of trying to talk without breaking down was present.  I had to pause and regroup and then continue.  All this time I remained connected.  It seems so odd trying now to articulate this time in words.  It was no longer hard to tell because of fear of judgement, but hard to tell because it is a story of hurt and shame that I know very well.  The glorious freedom God gives us is the finale replacing what had been the fear of judgement with a genuine passion to share so that others can know this freedom too.

Afterwards, there were so many that wanted to talk.  I didn’t have to regroup like I’ve always needed to do before, stepping out of fear into listening and sharing.  I found myself relating without the anxiousness.  I now know what God has been wanting me to find in Him and trusting in Him during these times of doing His Kingdom work.  Yes, when I got home and had a moment to relax, I was exhausted.  I needed a nap!  This was a good thing and not an escape–for the first time.

Today is a new day and there is work to be done.  But, I needed to reflect and thank God before I begin today’s assignments.  To God be all glory!

Today is the first day I will give my testimony having made a covenant with God that I will give it only in trust and confidence that …”He who has begun a good work in me will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ”  Philippians 1:6.  I no longer will let fear/anxiety dominate my mind causing me to only do a partial job of what God wants done freely and fully for Him.  I actually look forward to experiencing this first time of freedom.

In our class last night for 7-Pillars one of the men was talking about our brain’s makeup.  The limbic portion of the brain is our response portion–fight or flight.  It is the most primitive part.  Our frontal lobe where creative thinking and work comes from is overruled by the limbic when fear and anxiety enter our personal picture.  He was saying all of this because his fears lead him into his acting out–his flight mechanism.  He wants to address this and change this pattern of behavior.

Last fall when I was doing the Conquer class I heard the speaker tell that The Holy Spirit resides in our limbic portion of our brain.  It is the throne of Grace where He resides within us.  This sounded so “stupid” when I first heard it.  However, when I began to pray about it and listen to God’s wisdom I began to understand why this is so important and true.  The Holy Spirit, when I finally awoke to Him, wants to be our response to any feeling we have.  Fear and anxiety have dominated me all my life and I know the flight syndrome well.  However, now the Holy Spirit is replacing the anxiety with purpose and desire to serve God, not running or hiding from it.  It has taken me my whole life to learn this about God, Jesus and their Gift–The Holy Spirit.  It makes being a good and faithful servant, far more meaningful and doable when The Holy Spirit is fully in charge of our daily living and responses.  I’m grateful to be at this new point in my journey with God my Father.  Praise the Lord.

There is so much about a journey that I am learning.  One–it never ends until life has ended.  In other words, I will never arrive.  There is always more.  My whole life had been spent needing to arrive at being whole.  I thought if God would take away the past I had, remove the temptations I was left with along with the hatred of them, I would be whole and I would have arrived.  Well–God has done so much more than removed them.  He has shown me He wants me using them to help others with their own.  He framed the temptations with understanding.  I am a man on this earth.  As long as I’m alive I will live with temptations.  We all have them even though they are not all the same.  What we do with them is what is key.

In my devotions yesterday God was showing me that the voices of those around me would be screaming.  I would need to be still and know that He is God, rely on Him and not the messages of the the voices.  By noontime yesterday I have heard many of the screaming messages.  I had a couple of my own troubling me.  By last night I was weary and then the last message came.  I wanted to do as I had always done in the past–self medicate.  I finally went to bed and slept somewhat.  When I would awake I would thank God for these issues and what He was going to do with them.

This morning God has made all things clear.  What I needed to let go I have, what I needed a plan to address I now have, and what I do today is now ready to be done.  God is good.  If I am learning anything on this journey it is that staying on it with obedience to God’s nudges is sometimes tough.

One of the calls yesterday was from a young man who was ready to quit.  He’s so tired of “not winning” the battles he’s facing.  I so know this struggle and the desire to quit.  The one good thing is he reached out.  That is something I didn’t know to do at his age and certainly had no one to trust with my story at that time.  But, God is using the steps I’ve learned to guide others for their own steps.  For this I am most grateful.  It inspires me to stay on this journey.  To God be all Glory!

Last night I had the conversation with the guys in our quartet about God awakening me to His intent as we sing and as I give my testimony.  I knew they would be receptive but what I didn’t know was how receptive.  The fears I’ve had are such lies.  Their words were:  “Your testimony gives our singing new purpose.”  “This gives us focus as we sing.”  God sure has a way of making His intent clear and meaningful.

In my “Experiencing God” workbook I am going through the unit where we learn how to know God is speaking.  This is very clear as I see what He is doing with our quartet.  Secondly, God seems to be showing me what He is wanting me to do with an area of our church that one of our pastors has been talking to me about.  We have a luncheon meeting with a few people tomorrow to address this.  I am waiting for the clarity to be confirmed.   It is fun and energizing knowing God is at work and I get the chance to be involved in it.

As I was having my devotions this morning I journaled several areas of concern facing Kathy and me.  Some of them are family and some are connected to people in ministry areas where we involve ourselves.  In times past we jump into these to give assistance as we see them.  God was checking me this morning about our past behavior.  I know now He is wanting us to be sure what we do is completing His purposes and not just the purpose of man.  Addressing needs is important but what is most important is addressing needs in a manner that completes God’s intent.  This is what I want to be doing from this point forward.

Today’s devotions reinforces once again the message–if I don’t believe in myself I cannot fully believe in God.  I have to believe in both Him and me in order for me to be as useful for Him as He wants.  Of course I’ve always believed in God and in God using me, it was just that I couldn’t be too effective because I was damaged.  As I write this I see the ugly flaws in this thinking and believing.  If I believe I’m still flawed then I don’t believe that Christ is able to complete His purpose on the Cross.  God is only as big as my belief is and I’m ready for God to be Magnificent and Almighty.

There is a family issue that kept me awake from 3-4:30 in the early morning today.  I wasn’t going to be drug down by it.  At least that is what Satan was wanting to do with it.  I kept thanking God for what He is going to do because of it knowing He uses all things to His honor and glory.  I do believe this.  And, in the meantime, I will keep my eyes focused on what I can do to assist as He shows me.

Our quartet is practicing tonight for the forthcoming Wednesday program.  I will be giving my testimony again but this time I am going to be doing so fully awake and thankful to God.  I want to talk to the guys tonight about this too.  God is using/wanting to use these ministries to fulfill His purposes and I sure don’t want to cripple His work in any way.  To God be all Glory.