Today is surgery day.  I don’t mean physical surgery, but spiritual surgery.  This morning I was up at 5:00 am unable to sleep.  I will be missing my 7-Pillars meeting tomorrow night for sexual addiction but I was being nudged by God to do the lesson anyway.  In so doing He brought me to a point of crisis I’ve run from my whole adult life.  The lesson is entitled “Your Grievance Story”.  It does an interesting thing taking you through the story of David inviting King Saul’s grandson who was the only living descendant from Saul’s lineage, to come live at the palace and eat meals at the king’s table.  He happened to be Jonathan’s son who was David’s dear friend and confidant.  The grandson didn’t want to come fearing it was a deception but he was finally convinced that David was seriously meaning he wanted to honor Saul’s grandson.

This comparison was used to take the reader to our own disbelief when one is trying to do something wonderful for us.  The assignment of processing was painful.  I was to tell where the root of my personal disbelief still lies.  I’m having a hard time putting this here in words so bear with me.  I have desperately to know my mom wanted me, to tell me I was OK during all the years of dad’s beatings and dad’s emotional beatings.  I just once wanted mom to tell me I was OK even if dad was so displeased with me.  It didn’t happen and my belief finally turned to the fact I had to hide–my only worth was for Rich’s sexual stimulant.  This is the one area where I was really wanted.

There is so much I could go into about all of this but the purpose of my writing this is that God today wanted me to see and hear Him say He was going to remove these lies and begin replacing them with truth.  The truth isn’t new truth, but the surgery will allow the truth to stay with me.  The surgery is for a heart of flesh.  The heart of stone for me has deflected any love that wanted to penetrate it.  God told me it’s time to let Him tenderly but thoroughly remove this false stone heart and give me the heart He has wanted me to receive.  I told Him, “Yes, do the surgery.”  There’s so much I could add now, but I’m leaving it right here.  I still feel the surgery taking place.  I’ll add more as the healing starts.  Right now I feel pretty raw.