On July 10 I blogged about the 7-Pillars lesson “The Grievance Story”.  I told of the depth of hurt still buried within my belief system.  It was all about my longing heart to be loved and nurtured by an overwhelmed mom who probably longed for the exact same thing.  Mom and dad’s first born was an “oops”.  This was never a topic discussed with them.  It was just a known fact that we kids talked about in their absence.  I’m told that my grandma would have blessed mom for not marrying dad but grandpa was like mom–“address your wrongs in a right way”.  Do the right thing.  So, mom married dad.  I’m not sure if she would have changed any of this once she knew a lot more about dad.  But, she didn’t change anything.  She continued to endure this life.

I, along with my other siblings, endured the abuse of dad.  Many of them rebelled in their own way.  I tried to endure the abuse of dad by reversing the need to rebel to the energy of determination.  I was determined I would not allow dad to manipulate my adult life like I saw happening to my older siblings.  I was also determined I would not let the sexual abuse of my brother get the better of me either.  This was his need and problem.  I’d leave it with him.  On the tender side of life where nurture and love exist was only mom.  She was present and the love existed through the work she did to give us daily meals and grooming, consistent church attendance, etc.  The verbal and physical support was nonexistent.

Mom has been gone for 18 years and now I am at a place of reality needing to know my place with her.  Last night I had to talk through all of the assignment with our group of men.  It was truly painful.  I definitely see how my present belief was impacted by mom’s absence in spite of her constant giving.  This part of my journey is not pleasant.  In fact I feel as though I’m backpacking the steepest part of the trail and there is no shade or relief from the heat.  Yet, I have the hope that the lake of hungry trout is just beyond that last peak and I will get there.  My determination from childhood is still present but now I’m shifting it to being determined to not quit this journey until God’s intimate love and nurture has replaced the emptiness left from an unintended childhood.

God has me in a place where I must linger for a while.  I already know much about his love, nurture and grace.  Now I need to take it to a place of belief that is in a part of my brain needing reprogrammed.  This is the heart surgery I mentioned on the 10th.  I talked about this last night.  I’ve journaled and blogged about it this morning.  Lets see what happens in the days ahead.  Maybe God doesn’t want me catching “fish” in that lake.  We’ll see.