I think my grandchild #12 is going to have a birth date of:  July 21, 2017.  Yes, my daughter Amy is in labor.  Kathy is with her and I’m on alert to go to their home when they head to the hospital.  The addition they are doing to their home is about to finish and flooring is being done today.  They want someone there while the workers do their job so that will be my contribution.  We don’t know if its a girl or boy–Amy never wants to know until delivery.  I’ll keep readers posted.

Before writing this entry I reread yesterday’s.  I got all choked up again knowing just how much God cares about our HURTS, hand-ups and habits–as Celebrate Recovery names them.  There is definitely a reason HURTS is first on the list.  A young child doesn’t have hang-ups or habits.  They are developing who they are at young ages.  However, they are very susceptible to hurts.  When these hurts go unattended they eventually develop into hang-ups and habits.  I know this first hand.  What I have also learned is that when we seek recovery we often start in reverse order.  We address habits and eventually get to the hurts which have driven them.  How much I have longed to be free of offensive habits and hang-ups.  Yet, if someone would have told me a few years ago that I needed to address hurts I would have told them politely that they didn’t know what they were talking about.  I definitely know now that at the root of almost all sinful habits is a bucket full of hurt gone unattended.

Dealing with the absence of my mom’s care during my childhood years is finally done.  How thankful I am that God kept my nose to the grindstone until I was willing to go there.  Now that I have I can see that even mom wanted me to know the truth behind her absence.  It was not to do harm, yet, the absence had its own consequence.  It is so nice to be free from the bondage.   Yes, my mom was a saint of God.  However, she was human and now I can say so.  To God be all Glory!

Today is a new day.  As I continued into yesterday from writing the blog’s message, I had some errands I needed to run.  I thought I was going to get a couple of my grandsons but they were spending the day with their dad so I was able to be alone.  I drove into town to do some errands and felt this nudge to call my counselor/therapist I’d spent three years with.  I told her about The Grievance Story lesson and being stuck trying to address the lack of love/intimacy I had with mom.  She already knew from so many therapy sessions how I felt about mom.  In fact in some ways, I practically worshiped my mom–I think all of us kids did.  My counselor/friend told me I should think about the fact that truth not brought to the Light cannot be dealt with and in my case, forgiven.  The truth was that mom did neglect to give me support during those years of abuse.  Dad’s abuse had everyone frozen in place due to fear of him.  However, the abuse of Rich had nothing to do with dad, yet I’d told dad and mom about it when I was about 11 and for the next 5-6 years it continued and she never check in.  How much I needed to have her do so–in fact I ached for her to just ask me.

So, yesterday while driving in town, I had a long conversation with mom in my pickup. Yes, I was talking to someone who has been gone for 18 years but I no longer feel strange doing such necessary things.  I told her the struggle I’ve had, my yearning heart and disappointment.  I then told her I forgive her for not doing anything that I knew about.  I know that someday she and I will have our chance to talk this through.  Now, however, I was ready to forgive and move on–let go of the bondage that the absence of intimate love and care can give a young child.

This morning I have journaled extensively about this with God–my Heavenly Dad.  Even He and I seem closer now that I’ve found these roots that needed to be removed.  I feel humbled and restored in someways.  To God be all Glory!  How much our Father loves us and waits to heal our hurts and wounds when we finally take the steps He offers for us to take.

On July 10 I blogged about the 7-Pillars lesson “The Grievance Story”.  I told of the depth of hurt still buried within my belief system.  It was all about my longing heart to be loved and nurtured by an overwhelmed mom who probably longed for the exact same thing.  Mom and dad’s first born was an “oops”.  This was never a topic discussed with them.  It was just a known fact that we kids talked about in their absence.  I’m told that my grandma would have blessed mom for not marrying dad but grandpa was like mom–“address your wrongs in a right way”.  Do the right thing.  So, mom married dad.  I’m not sure if she would have changed any of this once she knew a lot more about dad.  But, she didn’t change anything.  She continued to endure this life.

I, along with my other siblings, endured the abuse of dad.  Many of them rebelled in their own way.  I tried to endure the abuse of dad by reversing the need to rebel to the energy of determination.  I was determined I would not allow dad to manipulate my adult life like I saw happening to my older siblings.  I was also determined I would not let the sexual abuse of my brother get the better of me either.  This was his need and problem.  I’d leave it with him.  On the tender side of life where nurture and love exist was only mom.  She was present and the love existed through the work she did to give us daily meals and grooming, consistent church attendance, etc.  The verbal and physical support was nonexistent.

Mom has been gone for 18 years and now I am at a place of reality needing to know my place with her.  Last night I had to talk through all of the assignment with our group of men.  It was truly painful.  I definitely see how my present belief was impacted by mom’s absence in spite of her constant giving.  This part of my journey is not pleasant.  In fact I feel as though I’m backpacking the steepest part of the trail and there is no shade or relief from the heat.  Yet, I have the hope that the lake of hungry trout is just beyond that last peak and I will get there.  My determination from childhood is still present but now I’m shifting it to being determined to not quit this journey until God’s intimate love and nurture has replaced the emptiness left from an unintended childhood.

God has me in a place where I must linger for a while.  I already know much about his love, nurture and grace.  Now I need to take it to a place of belief that is in a part of my brain needing reprogrammed.  This is the heart surgery I mentioned on the 10th.  I talked about this last night.  I’ve journaled and blogged about it this morning.  Lets see what happens in the days ahead.  Maybe God doesn’t want me catching “fish” in that lake.  We’ll see.

Yes, indeed, the journey does continue.  As yesterday progressed and I reconnected to life at home I was awakened to the truth of daily struggles.  Three men I’m connected to with our ministries are struggling and in crisis.  Only one of them reached out directly to me.  The other two are silent and their wives are reaching out.  There is something about the pride of man that is truly disgusting.  Our pride, thinking if we divulge the ugliness of our temptations, keeps us in bondage to them.  Telling the Truth of our struggle is a barrier breaker.  God’s power/strength is bottled in truth.  Once we take the step of telling, there is a release within us that provides stamina and perseverance.  However, if we keep the struggle within for whatever reason, we will step back into the very thing that brought us to recovery.  How much God, Christ and The Holy Spirit want to help, but they patiently wait for us and our readiness to take steps.

Isaiah 40:10 was on my heart this morning as I was thinking about my own daily struggle and how it is so much like everyone else–bottled in pride.  It reads, “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.  Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.”  (New Living Translation)  The thing I hate most about my own struggle is the connection to homosexuality.  My pride always wants this hidden.  However, if I don’t continue to talk about it, it begins to grip me within just like others I know.  The struggles are different, but what it does to us is exactly the same.  That strength God will give us promised in scripture comes in part when we tell the truth that is bottled within us.  The help comes from this too.  Others know how to help and hold us accountable when we are honest.  We do need each other but we most need God at the start of this and then we can complete what He has given each of us to do.

Yesterday was a pleasant day getting home after a great weekend with Kathy’s family.  As I got up this morning and had finished my Bible reading I began to journal.  I found myself questioning what I’ve been doing “for God” and wondering just how much was for Him and how much was just for me.  It was discouraging to say the least.  As I finished journaling I felt God was telling me to stay the course and do my Experiencing God lesson/s.  I had begun to do one of them while in Wallowa, OR with Kathy’s family but it got interrupted and I never returned to it.  I ended up this morning completing three of them and with good purpose.  Everything about the lessons was about obeying God’s commands in our lives which will result in having a more intimate relationship with God from the obedience.  I thought it was no wonder Satan was wanting me to be discouraged about God’s work in my life and what He has me working on.  Satan doesn’t want God glorified and he sure doesn’t want me building a more intimate relationship with God my Father.

After getting these three lessons done I started to work with the 7-Pillars lesson which is coming tomorrow night.  In the middle of it I realized I’d never completed my blog this morning.  I usually do it as soon as my devotions are done.  I realized that God didn’t want me writing this message until I was re-grounded in Him and His purposes for me.  OK, now I can go into today knowing whatever I do is for God’s reasons.  To God be all Glory and to Him all Glory be given!  I love our Father.  He is a Good, Good Father.

What a nice day yesterday was.  Not only was the reunion nice, but spending the rest of the day with Kathy’s family was nothing less than a joy.  35+ years ago when I entered into this family there was much division between the members of it.  God was important to some of them, but not so to others.  Today, God resonates as King and Lord of lives.  I rejoice at what God is doing and has done to bring all of this about.  Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Kathy and I will head home today and we will begin to tackle what God wants done there.  It is nice to do so with a fresher mindset and a restored heart and mind.  To God be all Glory–great things He has done!

Today is reunion day.  It is nice to have a reunion when the purpose is simply to enjoy family.  The last two times my own family got together like this have been for funerals.  We need to celebrate family for more joyful reasons.

Yesterday I received two calls from ones I do accountability with.  One call was very troubling and the other was celebratory.  The second one, even though the man was reporting good things in his life, has gone through several months of tormenting trials.  It reminded me how good God is.  He is faithful when we are in the midst of trials as in the first caller or when we have a season of trials having subsided.  Our faithfulness to God must not slacken when the season of “free from trials” come.  Satan is never not watching for an inroad to beat us down.

There is a song I love to sing during worship in Celebrate Recovery and it’s called “Good, Good Father”.  The words speak to the immense love God has for us and none of it is because we have done something spectacular for Him.  He simply loves us because He created us.  I want to remember this throughout each day.  To God be all Glory.

Kathy and I are in Joseph, OR with her family.  There is a reunion tomorrow of her mom’s family.  They are a very enjoyable group of people–most friendly.  Her mom was one of a dozen kids just like me.  There is something to be said about large families.  It is not seen much anymore, but there is support and love within a large family that isn’t know, nor could be known, outside of one.

In my devotions this morning I am now reading Ezra.  In this book the Israelites are given permission to go rebuild their temple.  Of course there is great turmoil and strife as they celebrate their opportunity to do so.  It makes me realize no matter what we do to celebrate spiritual growth in our own self or in anyone else, we are going to face turmoil and strife.  Life itself is selfish and Satan exacerbates this selfishness so that many times the steps of growth we take are thwarted just because we don’t like trials.  Before I began Celebrate Recovery I had resolved in my mind I would live my last years in peace–I would do all I could to maintain peacefulness.  There had just been all “I could handle” and I didn’t want anymore strife.  Little did I understand how much strife is simply interwoven into a day.  I was blinded to this or simply in denial of it.  I was hiding so much within that it caused my own immense inner turmoil so anymore from the outside took me over the edge.

In my last few years I’ve made a new resolve that I want to live life for God’s purposes.  Of course this will have strife and turmoil.  Have any of us seen anything done for God that isn’t countered by attack?  My past is in the open now and God is using it as a tool rather than a disease within me.  So, no matter the strife, I will serve the Lord and follow His lead.  To God be all Glory.

I got back from the Denver trip yesterday afternoon just in time to get myself ready for last night’s Celebrate Recovery.  As the founder of Aslan and I were at the Denver airport almost ready to board, we got a call from the realtor representing us saying that the property we thought we had, had been sold out from under us and will close in 30 days.  Ordinarily I’d simply say that God didn’t want this to be the property and where do you want this Father?  Instead, I felt like I’d been slugged in the gut again.  I’ve not been on a roller coaster ride like this one–ever.  This one just keeps spinning and spinning.  Just as we finally got to where I thought we could move forward as a team with genuine team thinking and effort, the ground work must start all over.

Last Sunday’s step study lesson was the 2nd one–Powerless.  God talked to me a good deal last night about recognizing the truth of this lesson.  I am powerless to change any of these circumstances.  What I’m empowered to do is recognize it and quit trying to do this as man does.  Last night’s lesson was Relapse.  The lesson is all about equipping yourself to be ready for temptations/trials that would cause one to relapse.  I have these tools in place but I do struggle at times to initiate them like contacting my accountability when I’m tried or tempted.  This morning as I was approaching my prayer time I read what is at the top of my prayer list.  It says “new creation”.  I’ve written this there to daily remind me I am a new creation.  This morning when I saw it I told God I didn’t know how to be one.  He instantly reminded me I am one already.  These struggles/trials don’t make me less than one.

A new creation is still powerless and they understand this.  They surrender rather than “try harder”.  A new creation knows the steps to take to “be strong in the Lord” so when trials and temptations comes he can put himself into God’s hands and let Him fight the battle.  The new creation knows that God’s timing is always right.  So, keeping all this in mind for today, I am better able to know I’m already a new creation still learning to quit trying to achieve its worthiness.

God, I believe, was gloried yesterday. The ones here in Denver representing Aslan met with the founder of Denver Street Schools. It was s lengthy and most informative time. After the meeting the ones who came met for three hours to talk through what we learned, what we needed to change or adjust and where we now start. I was able to address some very troubling areas that were impacting me. All of this was received well. There is a new level of hope established in whst God can do and is doing. 

I’ve known for some time now that the road with God is not a piece of cake but I am finding in a new way that “accepting hardship as a pathway to peace” is what God wants done when we accept it through His guidance and will.