In my 7-Pillars class last night we got through a lesson that has such relevance.  I had done the lesson a couple weeks ago.  In so doing I had been troubled by the findings of it, but it wasn’t until I said it out loud to the ones in our group that I actually saw the truth of it God was needing for me to find.  The lesson focus was helping one find the triggers in their addiction.  One would think I had gotten this done by now.  I had superficially, but what I hadn’t discovered was just how much I yearn to be valued by man.  I do not use the word man meaning mankind, but just man.  My mom did a much better job letting me know I was important to her but dad did his best to let me know I was nothing but a disappointment to him over and over and over again.  With my brother’s sexual abuse I unconsciously grew into thinking I was only important to man for sexual purposes.  I have spent my entire life fighting this fear but not aware of its root in me.  I stayed in complete denial of it walling it off as I did so much with other stuff.

This morning I was able to talk openly to God about it.  I just didn’t know how someone 67 years old could have a belief of “value” that seemed so deeply woven into who I thought I am, replaced with God’s original truth.  I finally asked Him if He had anything He wanted me to know about this?  Once again, He gave unexpected insight.  His words were: “My son, be patient with truth.  It comes out at the times you truly need to know it.  The purpose of value is so critical.  Your father didn’t know how to show you your value to him or to help you know your value to Me.  Actually, your mom didn’t either.  She showed and modeled good characteristics but intrinsic love and value were missing.  You ask how this can come about?  Well, it comes just like everything else I do–in time.  I’m equipping you.  Don’t be discouraged or depressed–I AM GOD your Creator and I am fully satisfied with My boy.  You will be too as you awaken to Me in you through My Holy Spirit.”

I already know that this belief of personal value is a real issue for most who come to Celebrate Recovery.  I am able to talk about it there.  As I step more into the possible work with people struggling with homosexuality, I will likely find this deeply rooted and hugely impacting them.  I truly thank God for being so thorough in helping me so I can be of better service to Him with others.