Today’s start was with a powerful lesson built right into my devotional time.  I’m well into Isaiah right now and he is very consistent in telling the people how much God wants them to turn to Him as their only guide, Isaiah 25-30.  He brings out how man turns to man and other powerful men to guide them when they are up against their own struggle/battle (Egypt for example).  Man cannot be led to God’s Almighty Power/Strength if we are turning to man in order to fight the battle.  Joyce Meyer tells her own experience how God showed her when she was wanting to rely on her own strength to promote her work.  For a period of months she was unsettled until she awakened to the truth of who she was turning to–herself, rather than to God.

Yesterday I was going through the day staying focused on spirit-living.  When I got home from having lunch with a close friend and then completing some outside work I wanted to finish, I had an email from the director of Mid-Valley Fellowship.  It had been sent to me so I could see what those attending the leadership training at the end of next week needed to complete ahead of time qualifying them for the training.  I thought it would be good for me to complete it also so I had the real experience.  It was at this point I lost my connection with God’s Holy Spirit.  The questions to answer were very specific and brought me face to face with my past sexual abuse.  Writing about it in preparation for leadership led me down a path of unworthiness–inability to be one to lead.  My focus turned inward.  I knew I wanted to learn from this so I finished it and then was glad to be done.  The rest of the evening I was anxious and finally went to bed–wishing to just hide.  This morning I awoke very anxious.  It was then I read in Isaiah about keeping our focus only on our One True God.

As a child I had learned to turn my focus inward and live someplace else while I was experiencing abuse from my brother or from my dad.  It was a mental exercise and it worked fairly well.  It kept me home and kept me from rebelling as my older siblings did.  However, I’ve struggled to break this intense habit as in yesterday.  It is so instinctively done I do it and don’t realize it until hours or days later.  This morning as God brought it to light in connection to spirit-filled living I found the direct connection to what happened.  God showed me the break I’d made from His Spirit within and also my need to connect with His Spirit ahead of doing the work I sense Him leading me into.  I also need to know that others with my background will likely need the same learning as they break away from old character defects.

I do love the way God teaches.  He wants us to be good stewards of His work within us.  I want that too.  This morning I’m meeting with a man who will be going over some lessons he missed in our step study for Celebrate Recovery.  He has a past somewhat like my own.  I will be better equipped to hear him and stay connected to God’s Spirit within me.  We need each other to support one another and to help each other stay focused on God’s leadership within us–His Holy Spirit that Christ gave us upon our accepting Him into our heart and lives.  To God be all Glory!