Our home computer is being replaced so I’m using my iPhone to write today’s entry. I’m hoping the guy gets the new one hooked up today. 

As I was having my devotional time this am I was reminded how God had said a couple days ago in Isaiah 40:31 to wait on Him. Joyce Meyer says that wait means to rest in Him. That made good sense. However it wasn’t until today–2 days later that it hits me. For two days I’ve been journaling about my anxiety. Two days ago I get direct insight about waiting on God and that waiting means resting. Joyce even says resting means doing so in mind, emotions and will. 

Today I start out anxious regarding the upcoming events of next week but now I realize my need to let go and trust what is unknown. Rely on what I do know and trust God with the rest. I often think I’m a good learner and then realize there is a slowness to my good learning st times. That may be my next assignment!   

The realities of the trip Kathy and I are taking later next week are hitting me one by one.  They are realities, yes, but what I face with them is fear/anxiety.  I am glad God is having me face them with Him ahead of time.  It hit me last Thursday that when I go to this training I will be sitting with people who are mostly there for their overcoming  of homosexuality.  It will be the first time in my life I’ve consciously been in a group of this nature.  I simply wouldn’t do something like this not so long ago.  As I’ve wrestled with the idea of it the past couple days God has been showing me His Purpose for it.

This morning’s reading in Isaiah, chapters 35-41, I’ve seen how God honors man when man is honoring Him.  This is shown in His driving the Assyrians away having killed 185,000 of them in the process as they had besieged Jerusalem.  Also, it is shown to King Hezekiah as God granted him 14 additional years of life.  These were done because Hezekiah had been faithful to God in following His commands for living and leading Judah.

In all of this God has been showing me several things I’ve needed to process.  First and foremost, obey God’s commands.  Secondly and more tenderly, God loves everyone of His children no matter how lost they may be in their selfish living.  I have been a victim of homosexuality in my younger life and have had a very skewed view of it from this.  In my younger years I literally thought of it as a crime, similar to rape,  rather than simply a choice of sexual activity.  God’s word defines this choice as a sin and His Holy Spirit convicts us of our sinfulness.  Now I will be meeting and mingling with people just like me who have struggled with their sinfulness and have found victory over it.  They are gathering to find skills in assisting others who seek their freedom from the bondage of sin.  God has taken away the picture of crime and replaced it with one of man yearning freedom.  I know this yearning and can easily join in.

God prepares each of us to do what He asks us to do with and for Him.  This time I want to do it without my past fear.  Christ’s work on the Cross of Calvary paid this price, paved the way to eternity with Him and is now commissioning to join Him.  His Gift of God’s Holy Spirit is within.  I want to be fully open to His Leadership within.  Praise be to God my Father.

Today’s start was with a powerful lesson built right into my devotional time.  I’m well into Isaiah right now and he is very consistent in telling the people how much God wants them to turn to Him as their only guide, Isaiah 25-30.  He brings out how man turns to man and other powerful men to guide them when they are up against their own struggle/battle (Egypt for example).  Man cannot be led to God’s Almighty Power/Strength if we are turning to man in order to fight the battle.  Joyce Meyer tells her own experience how God showed her when she was wanting to rely on her own strength to promote her work.  For a period of months she was unsettled until she awakened to the truth of who she was turning to–herself, rather than to God.

Yesterday I was going through the day staying focused on spirit-living.  When I got home from having lunch with a close friend and then completing some outside work I wanted to finish, I had an email from the director of Mid-Valley Fellowship.  It had been sent to me so I could see what those attending the leadership training at the end of next week needed to complete ahead of time qualifying them for the training.  I thought it would be good for me to complete it also so I had the real experience.  It was at this point I lost my connection with God’s Holy Spirit.  The questions to answer were very specific and brought me face to face with my past sexual abuse.  Writing about it in preparation for leadership led me down a path of unworthiness–inability to be one to lead.  My focus turned inward.  I knew I wanted to learn from this so I finished it and then was glad to be done.  The rest of the evening I was anxious and finally went to bed–wishing to just hide.  This morning I awoke very anxious.  It was then I read in Isaiah about keeping our focus only on our One True God.

As a child I had learned to turn my focus inward and live someplace else while I was experiencing abuse from my brother or from my dad.  It was a mental exercise and it worked fairly well.  It kept me home and kept me from rebelling as my older siblings did.  However, I’ve struggled to break this intense habit as in yesterday.  It is so instinctively done I do it and don’t realize it until hours or days later.  This morning as God brought it to light in connection to spirit-filled living I found the direct connection to what happened.  God showed me the break I’d made from His Spirit within and also my need to connect with His Spirit ahead of doing the work I sense Him leading me into.  I also need to know that others with my background will likely need the same learning as they break away from old character defects.

I do love the way God teaches.  He wants us to be good stewards of His work within us.  I want that too.  This morning I’m meeting with a man who will be going over some lessons he missed in our step study for Celebrate Recovery.  He has a past somewhat like my own.  I will be better equipped to hear him and stay connected to God’s Spirit within me.  We need each other to support one another and to help each other stay focused on God’s leadership within us–His Holy Spirit that Christ gave us upon our accepting Him into our heart and lives.  To God be all Glory!

The journey really does continue and today is no exception.  As I have been blogging the past few days regarding God’s current work he wants me doing, I was nudged this morning with something I need to take very seriously.  Today didn’t have much on the human list I needed to do.  A couple items I would go to our church to get ready for a Celebrate Recovery leadership meeting and that was it.  Memorizing some songs we are doing for an event in a few weeks is also on the list.

As I was starting my journaling I wrote asking God what He wanted me to know about this day.  His response was immediate.  He told me I have begun to know Him much better but it has mostly been in human, flesh, head-knowledge ways.  These are all fine but they don’t equip me to use Him and His Holy Spirit in spiritual battlefields I will encounter during the day.  He actually said I need to better stay in touch with my spirit and Him as I live the day.  He IS SPIRIT as THE HOLY SPIRIT.  God and I do have a good connection during our time each morning, but as I step into the rest of the day I go into my old self of completing the day.  I do want to learn so much more about spiritual living since all of us are spiritual beings.  It really is a different means of sensing the world around me.  It is also difficult for me to try and find words to use in describing it.  So, I’m just going to leave this blog with this much and see what happens in the rest of today.

When I was living the life of a principal I would often tell a teacher or staff member to try and get into the mind and emotions of the child they were having difficulty with.  To try and think/respond like the child helped one to know how one ought to be responding to them so one could actually teach them rather than set them off or turn them off.  There’s a lot of training behind this process and it does work well once mastered.  Somehow I feel this is what I’m to be doing today.  God’s Holy Spirit lives within me.  I am to try and get into IT even though IT is already within me.  Like I already said, words don’t describe this well.  I’ll quit for the day!  God is so Good.

In my 7-Pillars class last night we got through a lesson that has such relevance.  I had done the lesson a couple weeks ago.  In so doing I had been troubled by the findings of it, but it wasn’t until I said it out loud to the ones in our group that I actually saw the truth of it God was needing for me to find.  The lesson focus was helping one find the triggers in their addiction.  One would think I had gotten this done by now.  I had superficially, but what I hadn’t discovered was just how much I yearn to be valued by man.  I do not use the word man meaning mankind, but just man.  My mom did a much better job letting me know I was important to her but dad did his best to let me know I was nothing but a disappointment to him over and over and over again.  With my brother’s sexual abuse I unconsciously grew into thinking I was only important to man for sexual purposes.  I have spent my entire life fighting this fear but not aware of its root in me.  I stayed in complete denial of it walling it off as I did so much with other stuff.

This morning I was able to talk openly to God about it.  I just didn’t know how someone 67 years old could have a belief of “value” that seemed so deeply woven into who I thought I am, replaced with God’s original truth.  I finally asked Him if He had anything He wanted me to know about this?  Once again, He gave unexpected insight.  His words were: “My son, be patient with truth.  It comes out at the times you truly need to know it.  The purpose of value is so critical.  Your father didn’t know how to show you your value to him or to help you know your value to Me.  Actually, your mom didn’t either.  She showed and modeled good characteristics but intrinsic love and value were missing.  You ask how this can come about?  Well, it comes just like everything else I do–in time.  I’m equipping you.  Don’t be discouraged or depressed–I AM GOD your Creator and I am fully satisfied with My boy.  You will be too as you awaken to Me in you through My Holy Spirit.”

I already know that this belief of personal value is a real issue for most who come to Celebrate Recovery.  I am able to talk about it there.  As I step more into the possible work with people struggling with homosexuality, I will likely find this deeply rooted and hugely impacting them.  I truly thank God for being so thorough in helping me so I can be of better service to Him with others.

The one thing about writing a blog, it keeps me in touch with my daily events.  I’m learning how much in my past I’ve lived in the denial of trials and troubles and their severity.  I would just tackle them as they came.  The fact that God had a role in handling them was known and appreciated by me but I didn’t give any of this too much thought.  Today I know why I didn’t and why I would stay in denial of the turmoil I had within me.  Emotional surges have always haunted me that I would see in people.  I knew from a very, very young age that emotional surges meant beatings and uncontrolled rage.  When I was young it would be physical ones and when I was in my later teens it would be verbal lashings.  I would steel myself from these.  Nothing could predict when they would come except the emotional highs.

I am awakening to a truth for me.  When I have emotional moments that have much significance I need to be wary.  These are times when I will be tempted to flee and turn to gratifying myself as I had done for so long.  It isn’t about the cause of the emotional moments, it is simply the fact they happen.  I say all of this because as I am stepping into the potential work as I talked about yesterday I feel eager and anxious all at the same time.  Yesterday Satan had a hay day with me.  I know the topic of homosexuality is a hot one in our society today.  However, the message from God remains the same–we all have temptations, participating in them is the sin.  “Take all thoughts captive,” II Corinthians 10:5, is our command.

Yesterday I was contacted by my prayer warrior telling me to read a chapter from a book she felt I needed to know right now.  The chapter is all about preparing for battling strongholds in my life and defining strongholds as addictions as well as hurts gone unaddressed leaving hatred and bitterness, etc.  The preparation was about having God’s Word ready to combat these times when Satan seeks to destroy our participation in God’s Kingdom work.  We need to know the scriptures to claim and then say them.  These are two spiritual weapons.  I got up in the middle of the night–couldn’t sleep, and read all of this.  After yesterday, I knew I needed to get serious about this and get my accountability armed for battle.  God is working and if I am going to join Him I cannot be lax in my preparation.  To God be all Glory.  He is the Victor and I want this truth to be the case for today.

Yesterday’s entry was about koinonia–the intimate relationship with God that resembles His relationship with Christ Jesus.  Today in my devotions I sense God now taking our relationship a step further.  I mentioned yesterday too about the Unit 11 topic in Experiencing God.  It is:  Kingdom Work.  These two topics tie together:  KOINONIA and KINGDOM WORK.  God does not have us join Him in His Kingdom Work until we have begun a relationship with Him–Koinonia.

I have wanted to learn more about the group that is coming to our church supporting the conference we are doing in October entitled:  Hope for the Hurting.  The group’s topic is one of 13 but it is the one I’m wanting to be directly involved in.  It is Sexual Identity–Homosexuality.  I had contacted this group asking if I could possibly come and visit their work and curriculum ahead of the conference.  They come from western Oregon.  Last, late evening I was contacted by the two coming inviting me to come Sept. 16 when they do a training for group leaders.

As I began my scripture reading this morning I was starting the book of Isaiah.  Isaiah 6 tells the part where God’s angel touched Isaiah purifying him.  Isaiah 6:7 says:  “…Behold, this has touched your lips, your iniquity and guilt are taken away, and your sin is completely atoned for and forgiven.”  The very next verse is when Isaiah heard the voice of the Lord asking, “Whom shall I send and who will go for Us?”  Isaiah then replies, “Here am I, send me.”  As I was reading this I was deeply touched sensing God has been doing exactly the same thing with me.  He has been cleansing me of the guilt and shame and showing me how He has forgiven the sins of my past and present.  He is now asking me to join Him in this Kingdom Work.  I am saying yes to Him.

I have a flood of emotion surging within from humility to unworthiness to anticipation and eagerness–all mixed together.  I will keep the words of the serenity prayer in mind as I approach all of this–“…One day at a time and one moment at a time, accepting hardship as a pathway to peace.”  God had done so much for me in the past several years turning my shame into a passion to serve Him in an area I kept hidden for almost 60 years.  God is good and I will be forever grateful to Him.  We will see just what God has in mind in the days ahead.

This morning in my time of devotions, I ended it working in my Experiencing God material.  I am in Unit 11 which is Kingdom Work.  A key word is brought forth in the five lessons of this unit.  It is KOINONIA. It is translated to mean “intimate fellowship”.  Most of us with church backgrounds have heard this term off and on in our lives.  The lessons I’ve completed brought forth Light for which I know God has been wanting me to see for some time.

I’ve already written about my journey from July 31, 2016 until today journaling to God rather than to Jesus.  God had wanted me doing this He said so I could better know Him.  In so doing, I’ve found a relationship with God my Father that is just what koinonia is all about–intimate fellowship.  I have found God to be trusting, loving, kind and ever filled with mercy for his creation–all of man which includes you and me.  What was brought out in these lessons of Unit 11 is the connection between God and Christ’s intimate relationship.  It is to mirror the relationship I have with both of them.

As I’ve spent the past year building a fellowship with God, I’ve found Him to be everything I’ve always been shown Christ is.  However, the connection that I had truly missed personally was the Almighty, All-Powerful part.  I knew Christ embodied all the loving characteristics so fully brought out in the Gospels.  I had this misconception that my own personal abuse meant those loving characteristics of Christ were nice but not very powerful or He would have done something better to stop them for me.  I knew in my head I needed to have a relationship with God and Christ but I wasn’t worth much of their Power.  Spending a year with God in my journal has taught me–shown me that God is equally as intimate and loving as His Son.  In addition, His Almighty Power is some of the substance of their love.  The fact of choice I’ve recently mentioned is proof.  It takes their Almighty Power to allow man to continue to have his power of choice even when it is abusing God’s creation.  God uses His Power to create a different pathway for His kids to find Him.

Now this morning I felt God bringing all of this together for me.  Yes, He sent Christ to redeem us and create a pathway for our eternal fellowship with Them.  Also, He wants us to take this intimate fellowship they have and we have to those He is prompting us to connect with.  The world does not know all of this about them and us.  There is a world of men and women, young and old, who are lost in sexual confusion called homosexuality.  God is asking me to not be afraid of this but to join Him in helping remove the confusion man has given this area of temptation.  I will take steps in this as God opens the door to do so.  “Be strong and take courage….” Joshua 1:9.

Yesterday I finished what I felt was my part in the urgent problem I mentioned.  Afterwards I had other home projects I wanted to get done–yard ones.  In the midst of this I got a phone call from one of the younger men in our Celebrate Recovery ministry.  He was wanting to meet up at a coffee shop in town.  I had told him I’d do this at some point and now I was getting the invitation.  I said yes to meeting him and so I quickly changed gears and headed into town.

This young man happens to be someone who had been a student at my school during his elementary years.  He has some delays impacting behaviors/learning.  He is also gay.  This part would have been very troubling for me not so long ago as far as meeting only with him.  This fear is gone now.  We had a good hour long talk and was able to talk about some important things in his life.  He is very ADHD so it is hard to focus on a topic with him and complete it.  However, one on one, it was better.  My oldest daughter and family were coming to dinner so I needed to get home and prepare for it.  Thus, I ended our conversation.

This morning during my devotions I asked God what He wanted me to know from Him today?  I wasn’t expecting the answer I got.  Before I tell it I want you to know I am reading Ecclesiastes where Solomon talks/describes deeply intimacy and love.   Joyce Meyer says this book is written not just about a man to woman description of intimacy and love but it also is describing God’s desire to be intimate and loving with each of us if we will embrace Him and life with Him.  Having written this, now let me go back to the response from God this morning.  God said He loves all his kids and their souls deeply.  He wants me doing the same.  I knew immediately what He was referencing.  My meeting with the young man yesterday was out of obligation.  God wants me meeting with each person I meet with out of sheer love for them.  It touched my heart and even though I’ve said recently God’s voice is a “still, small one,” the message of His voice was loud and clear.  I repent of this attitude I had and will embrace this differently from this day forward.  I love my Father God.  He is such a Good Father!

Yesterday was a very busy day and if you logged into the blog you noted I didn’t post.  I actually needed to leave early and was going to post when I returned home.  Yet, it seemed the things I needed to do at the moment when I did return home were screaming louder in my mind that posting a blog.  Thus, I didn’t do it.

Two days ago I did post about hearing “God’s small voice.”  I write this and then I step back thinking that is a paradoxical statement.  God is everywhere, Almighty, Creator of all, and yet His voice is small?  Somehow I truly believe that God’s small voice is on purpose aligning with His commitment to man giving you and me choice.  If His voice were huge I would be intimated into listening to it.  God’s pattern of keeping His voice small requires me to CHOOSE to listen rather than having no choice BUT to listen.  Somehow I love God for being this way and creating life to always have choice in it.

In the last couple days I’ve needed to work on a problem needing my time and effort.  It has come together finally and the outcome is good.  However, “being still and listening for God’s voice” has been critical.  I wanted to truly represent Him in what I was doing.  It seems that was done.  I had said I wanted to learn to listen during the day to hear God’s voice.  Well, little did I know I’d be given such a direct opportunity to do just that in the very next day.  God is truly faithful to His Word.  I will be forever grateful for this truth too.  To God be ALL GLORY!  Great things He has done!