As I finished the blog entry yesterday, I spent the next hour or so beginning to examine the material I brought with me for “abuse”.  I had already looked through the one regarding homosexuality and I wanted to see how they compare.  I was hoping I’d find some indication for a starting point.  I want to do both of them but I needed to know which one was the right one for now.  Well, that didn’t take long.  Maybe it is because abuse is a weakness for a man and all that ridiculous thinking, but I had thought I’d be starting with homosexuality.  “God needs us to get this topic rolling at church,” I thought.  However, as I began reading through the preface of the material and into the first lesson I could hardly contain the tears that kept wanting to pour forth.  I’ve never read anything that hit home over and over like it was.  The real problem with it was the emotions it was stirring up.  They were all about HURT.  My word, does this never end?  I told Kathy that it was apparent which workbook I personally needed to work through.

This morning as I brought the topic to God asking Him for His guidance I felt Him saying, “The time has come for this next surgery.  The new creation I made you to be is ready now for the root of your identity in hurt to be removed.”  I know why He has waited so long to do this–I needed to be ready, emotionally strong enough.  Boy is this hard to type.  I’ve  been hit and miss with it for the past 28 years–since I started counseling the first time when I was 39.  I think I can best describe how I feel this way—–:  When I’m consulting with anyone in my work field, I’m often thanked for the wisdom and assistance.  As I receive this message I thank God for using me to help.  Within me I know God gave me a mind that can be used for educational purposes to help those needing it.  To take it any deeper, like I’m a smart person who God can use for His Glory, doesn’t happen.  I get really uptight then.  I know the truth of that!  Down deep inside I know I’m no good except for being a receptacle of God’s use.  Inside me is a vacuum of value. Only when God uses me do I have any value.  This morning God awoke me to realize He wants me whole.  A new creation can be a receptacle of His use and still accept a compliment and not be anything but thankful for it.  The compliment doesn’t go into a vacuum to be swept away.  I don’t need to make excuses for it.

I don’t know where this will all go, but I do know I’m now ready for this hospital visit.  The surgery and recovery time I’ll leave to God.  I feel as though God has taken away my defense–my mind.  It is the right thing and I know it is.  I’m strong enough in Him to take this step, but it surely is one leaving me tentative.  Oh well, here we go Father.