God never takes a break from His work in us.  The fact that He loves us and desires deeply a relationship with us is constantly real as we give Him opportunity.  How resistant I’ve been to fully trust Him in all areas of my life.  This breakthrough of the need to surrender my mind to Him is a great example.  This morning He told me that His nudges or His Holy Spirit’s nudges I sense are His Holy Spirit’s way of completing something He’s doing both with me and with another.  If I don’t act on the nudge His work is left unfulfilled with the assignment.  Until recently I’ve looked at nudges from the Holy Spirit as nice things to do but acting on them was more of an option.  I suppose in some ways they still are since we always have a choice.  However, now that I more fully understand God’s Purposes and Ways, I don’t want to hinder any of His work that includes me.  I will trust His Holy Spirit and act more obediently.

On a very different note, a close friend’s mom had a severe stroke yesterday morning and has hours/a few days to live.  She is in her 90’s and has been a widow for over 30 years.  It’s never easy to watch the human life of a warrior of God drift away.  Please pray for them.  God is such a merciful God and I cherish Him for this.

Today’s time with God and The Team–Jesus and Holy Spirit has been hugely awakening.  This is not just some nice idea or good thinking that Jesus is Almighty and Powerful just as God the Father is.  Let me explain this as it unfolded this morning.  As I was having my Bible reading finishing the book of Mark, the book ends with Jesus’ words commissioning all His followers to spread the Good News.  “Go ye into all the world….”.  Joyce Meyer says in a footnote to this commission that we are to carry forth the miraculous work Jesus started.  Man often thinks of Jesus work as that of miracles which they are.  However, we too often limit the miracles to that of body-flesh healing.  Joyce said to consider breakthrough as another way of interrupting healing.

In the last couple days God has had me switch my journaling to Jesus once again.  However, now that I’m more grounded in the Almighty God I needed to see that His Son Jesus carries within that same Almighty Power.  I have been awakened to this truth mightily too.  My own breakthrough has been that within me is God’s Precious Holy Spirit Who also embodies the same Almighty Power.  So, how is this accessible to me?  My breakthrough came when so many pieces to the puzzle started fitting into place.

First and foremost, I’ve given power to my mind and my control of it.  I’ve said many times this was the one area my dad couldn’t get to and I had to keep it strong so I could not let his damage control me or the damage of my brother.  We know that story.  I’ve also tried all my life to control my responses to temptation and sin by controlling my mind–we also know that story.  A year ago I heard for the first time that the home of God’s Holy Spirit is our mind–it is our heart (the amygdala).  If I allow (surrender) my mind to being the home of the Holy Spirit and The Throne of Grace where Christ resides I don’t have to try and be in control of my mind–This Almighty Team is.  I hear and feel God’s messages in my mind and no wonder I do–we do.  He lives there!

I’ve always thought the mind is the control of flesh and the heart is the control of spirit.  Well, everything we are is spirit in flesh.  Now that I’ve had this mental breakthrough I can easily see my need to surrender my mind’s control to Jesus.  If you’re shaking your head wondering how this old grandpa could be so dense–go ahead.  I am shaking mine too.  I’m just glad to finally see this truth clearly.  So I tell all of this because I call this my morning miracle.  This breakthrough is great.  I feel freed from a task I’ve never been able to accomplish and now I know why.  I wasn’t suppose to complete it.  I needed to surrender it and now I have.  Somehow, I’ve always thought surrendering control would then provide strength to control it.  Instead, I’m learning that surrendering control means washing my hands and letting it go.  God’s Almighty Team is taking care of it entirely.  To God be the Glory!  Great things He hath done!

I don’t know what happened to yesterday’s blog.  When I logged in just now I see that it is missing.  I’m no techy nerd so I’ll let it go as something I likely did and didn’t know I did!  Yesterday was quite the day.  It started with devotions where I felt God wanting me to readdress my journaling back to His Son Jesus.  I quickly learned why as I needed to now see Jesus just as powerful as His Father is.  There were several things which took place yesterday morning that I won’t go into at this point.  They were confirming in one way and very challenging in most others.  I found myself wondering just how much God does love me.  I was so gripped by all of this that I got up at 4:30 this morning to see what God in His Word had to say to me.  I’m in Mark and the chapters leading up to Christ’s death on the cross.  He’s hammering into the disciples the message of faith and trust.

As I got to my journaling I asked God where in scripture does He precisely say He loves me?  There are hundreds of scriptures saying what He does for us out of His love.  Somehow I needed to know that He simply loves me.  I found in John 15:9 where Christ said, “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you.”  This verse says so much to me today.  As I’d mentioned a couple days ago about the 7-Pillars class, I needed to write 4 encounters I’ve had with God.  I also needed to support the encounters with verses that show the validity of each one.  The first encounter I wrote was going back to my first counseling 28 years ago.  Christ had told me my brother had never abused me to hurt me.  He was only intending to gratify himself.  Secondly, Christ said, “And, I want you to know I love you.”  This scriptural validity I found in the verse from John.

I have worked so hard for God’s love and affirmation.  Now, He is wanting me to know firmly, once and for all, He loves me without any works attached.  I am free to serve Him out of my love for Him rather than trying to earn love in return.  How I want these seeds to grow within me.  I hope this is happening too for you.  God’s love through His Son Jesus Christ is as real for you as it is for me.

In my 7-Pillars class last night God opened a whole new reservoir of “stuff” I need to let go of.  I had thought we were ready to start the first lesson of our last pillar but one of the guys in our group needed to complete almost all of pillar 6 lessons.  So the first 2/3’s of the time was given to him.  I found myself hearing so much of these lessons for the first time even though I’d done them 3-4 weeks ago.  All of these lessons focus on the trauma of our past and replacing the trauma with God’s truth about us.  In my doing them I’d put answers which were true but I hadn’t allowed God to replace the lies of them with His truth.  I finally heard last night seemingly for the first time that the lies of our past occupy the space within us which God wants being used to store His truth about us.  Truths like: “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”  “I am God’s masterpiece.”  “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”  I have said and written this stuff so many times, yet, even though I have, I hang onto the lies within me.  Their deep roots were not uprooted.  This truth was what came out of just listening last night and not needing to participate in sharing answers.  So today, God said I need to share the lies and let them go!

My brother’s sexual use of me over so many years became my first sexual stimulation.  So in my mind I was gay because I’ve had sexual thoughts all my life like this.  Secondly, my dad’s verbal labeling calling me Hazel during my high school years and a sissy when I was younger left me believing this is who I really am.  I’ve kept these lies deeply within me.  Over the years I’ve told them and had so much therapy to replace them.   God shared with me that my inability to accept a compliment was because there was no room for them within because I had so many lies within taking up the storage of a compliment’s truth.  He wants me (us) to let the lies go once and for all so the truth about who we are in Him can start being who we actually believe we are.

Today in my devotional time I’ve taken time to let these lies go once and for all.  I know Satan will try and get me to believe them again, but I need to confess this because confessing is one of the steps God has us use to get the lie outside of us creating space for the seeds of truth to take root replacing the lies.

I sure hope this makes sense to you.  If you struggle like I do, God is patiently waiting for you to take this truth and act on it with Him.  He wants you to know just how much you are treasured by Him.

Last night was our weekly choir practice.  We are deep into the preparation for the Christmas drama/production: Four Tickets to Christmas.  It is one of the finest productions I’ve ever been part of and so touching.  Its story line is one every person needs to experience.  It’s one of forgiveness, love and compassion.  Unlike most, this one is filled with drama and requires much movement:  dance-like stuff.  It is hugely stifling and embarrassing for someone like me.  As I was watching the teens involved in it last night I saw and felt something inside me.  The kids were free to move and learn the moves with ease.  I recalled for a moment when I had that kind of confidence–innocent confidence.

As I was journaling this morning I was reflecting on this from last night.  I felt God walking me through my past.  Yes, in my youngest years I was a fairly confident boy in an innocent way.  The confidence was a natural part of me.  The years of abuse from my brother and dad did a huge number on it.  The bigger message however that God wanted me to see was one of His Work.  Once I was willing (out of desperation) to step out of my hiding and face the giants in my life:  my belief of who I thought I was, the value of my worth, the hurts, hang-ups and habits, etc., God was able to start replacing what was innocent confidence so long ago with faith in Him and trust in Him.  As I got into college I quit participating in productions.  I struggled to memorize when it wasn’t a song and I looked like a fool trying to dance.

So, this morning God was showing me He wanted me focusing on Him and His message and His work.  My part in the production is simply one part, but without it, the production is incomplete.  If I worry about what I cannot do well I will waste valuable time I could spend learning.  I’m also disrespecting my God who says, “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13.  From this tidbit of a memory last night, God also showed me how the insecurities I’ve learned to think were me are now growing into trust and faith in Him, Christ and The Holy Spirit.  The work with Celebrate Recovery is helping others to do the same.

God is amazingly good at taking our humanness and turning it around into His handiwork.  I don’t want to be a hindrance to this.  So, I’m going to have faith that I can dance and move with the crowd as God is glorified in this upcoming Christmas production.

This morning’s Bible reading seemed to be talking boldly to me.  I’m now reading in Mark, the 3rd and 4th chapters.  In them Christ is giving the followers much advice through the parables.  In Mark 3:27 Christ tells us we are to bind the strongman if we are to ransack his house.  I’ve always wondered about this verse and its meaning to me?  Joyce Meyer states in a footnote that the strongman is Satan.  This put a whole different meaning to this verse.  Once I caught that significance I reread the verse several times along with the accompanying ones.  In Mark 4:39 Christ rebuked the storm on the Sea of Galilee.  Once again Joyce says in a footnote that we are unable to rebuke storms around us if we have a storm within us.  First we must address the storm within.  When we have found Christ’s peace within us we can use that peace and it’s power to address the storms around us.

Yesterday I wrote about awakening to the truth of temptations.  Satan is forever going to put them in front of us.  The temptation isn’t the sin.  Acting on it is the sin.  This strongman’s grip is only broken when we finally realize it is through accessing the power of Christ Jesus in our lives.  We do this through believing and not through fighting.  Surrendering the temptation to Christ and engaging in something else that is Christ pleasing allows Christ to break the hold the strongman has had on us.  The peace we so desire within can and will be strong in us as we allow Christ to fight this battle.  I write this lecturing myself.  I know all too well this internal, raging storm.  I am learning now just how much Christ loves me and wants to calm this storm and heal the effects of the storm within.  In so doing, I can then complete the ministry work Christ wants done.

As I talked with our Celebrate Recovery leadership team yesterday we addressed the new topics we will be starting in the coming year:  homosexuality and abuse.  If someone would have told me 10 years ago I’d be leading a discussion about these topics and being part of teaching for them I would have fled and never returned.  Now, today, Christ has me doing just this.  I feel honored and humbled to be at such a place with Him.  My learning is to face the strongman with surrender so Christ Jesus removes the temptation instead of me trying over and over to do so and failing again and again.  To God be all Glory!

I was doing my step study lesson for today which is all about being ready to give your inventory to 3 people.  The first two of the three are the same for everyone:  God and yourself.  The third person is the focus and that is the individual each person chooses to share their story with.  A question that accompanies this lesson is:  what fear/s do you face about sharing your inventory?  I’ve given my inventory many times over the past 9 years.  Each time you do a step study you need to do this and I’ve done it at least 7 of the 10 times.  As I was looking at my past responses to this question I noticed that I’d put:  “I’d confess and I’d still struggle with the same problem.”  This has been true for the first few years of my recovery in Celebrate Recovery.  I was trying to deal with a habit in those early times rather than dealing with the intense hurt I was still denying existed.  This denial only fed the habit I was trying to rid myself of.

Today when I addressed the question I realized the healing I’ve always desired is now here.  I’m free to face the hurt and it doesn’t own me.  The one thing that I still struggle with is the temptation to continue the habit.  Addressing the hurts doesn’t remove the human element we all face–temptations.  It seems simple, but it sure isn’t simple. As long as I stayed crippled with the hurt in me I was unable to access the strength God so wanted to provide.  Now that God has healed so much of the hurt I can see the habit/s for what they are and how I can use God’s Strength to address them.  I’m still human in this arena as I suppose we all are, but it is a big boost to know that God has been working throughout these 9 years facing recovery.  He is our Magnificent God.  I will trust Him and I encourage you to do the same.

Today my two brothers who live locally and their wives are joining Kathy and me to drive a hundred miles and have lunch with another brother who is a widower.  As we’ve begun to have our monthly get-to-gethers he has come our way so today we go his way.  These are fun moments and always remind me that family is so important.

My scripture reading this morning was the last 3 chapters of Matthew.  Here Christ is crucified and He rises from the tomb.  I am then reminded that my spiritual family is huge.  This entire world is filled with believers God calls my family.  Someday I’ll meet everyone of them.  More amazing to me is just how huge this family is.  When you think about the generations before us to the beginning of time, we will all be together someday.

As my family gets together it is nice to relate but it is also nice to share God’s love and mercy towards everyone of us.  I want Him to be glorified this day.  For so long I enjoyed these times but always felt inferior in them thinking I was the weak one.  However, God has totally replaced those old lies.  None of us see one another with an eye of judgment.  Those were Satan’s attempts to keep me in bondage.  Thank God for His faithfulness in replacing Satan’s damage with His love and mercy.  How much I love Him!

This journey never ends.  When I started this blog I was going to do so to help readers of my book know that the journey to freedom I wrote about didn’t end with the last chapter.  Little did I know that the on-going journey would have so much teaching in it.  I had thought I was finding freedom as the last section of the book says.  However, I’m finding now a much deeper, broader picture of freedom in Christ.  When I had finished the book, fear was still gripping me to the point of paralysis at times.  A perfect example of this was when the publishing company called me a couple days after I’d received a shipment of books.  The rep wanted to know how I was promoting the new book.  I thought, “What!  I’ve got to promote this story?  I’VE got to do this?”  I wanted God or some man to do this, not me.  I told the rep I’d need to talk to him in a couple days.  His question simply froze me in place.  I was unable to think and all I wanted to do at that point  was pull the book from society.  If I had to do this, writing the book wasn’t worth the cost.

I’ve learned a lot about Earnie and fear as I’ve journeyed beyond publishing the book.  There has been a great deal of darkness:  fear to face.  The book became the reason to face it.  In so doing I’ve found God to be the Almighty God He is said to be in His Word.  I’ve found Christ to be the One True God and Friend the scripture says He is.  Now I’m finding The Holy Spirit to be the fulfillment of God’s Promise of His Gift to us when we accept Christ as our Lord and Savior.  I’m not very far in this present piece of learning.  However, the crippling belief I’ve always had that I’m unworthy of God’s Spirit living in me is pretty much gone.  In spite of unworthiness, I can now accept this Gift with great thanksgiving.  And, in replacing it I now have a yearning desire to know Him well, to hear Him and to respond to Him fully.  I don’t any longer need to fear for He is always present and within me.

God is so amazing, kind, gentle and patient.  Look at all the years He spent waiting for me to come to this place.  Each of us has to come to this reality on our own with Him.  I hope my writing is helping any reader take the risk, stepping out in spite of fear.  God is truly there and His Spirit is as He promises–within us.  Praise His Holy Name!

Last night I taught the Celebrate Recovery lesson on Sanity for our group.  It was an insightful opportunity to watch and experience God at work.  The lesson Sanity is #4 of the 25 lessons to be taught throughout the year.  It is built around Principle 2 of the 8 and Step 2 of the 12.  Principle 2 reads:  “Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him and that He has the power to help me recover.”  After 9 years in Celebrate Recovery I’m finally awake to what this principle says.  First, I am to believe and I’m to do that earnestly (sincerely and honestly).  What do I believe– three things:  God exists, I matter to Him and He has the power to help me recover.  I have struggled all my life believing I matter to God.  I know this is a direct result of years of childhood abuse.  I’m not a child anymore and I am experiencing just how much I mean to God.  As this grows I realize just how powerful God is–taking away my darkness and turning it into glorious Light.

The accompanying verse for Principle 2 is Matthew 5:4.  It reads:  “Happy are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”  I’ve always thought this verse is thoughtful, but I’ve never until now been able to make it relevant to me.  Notice it says that those who mourn are happy.  My whole life I’ve kept myself in denial that the abuse of my past actually hurt me.  I thought if I admitted it I’d be the sissy, baby, dad labeled me.  Now that I have been very intentional addressing the hurt of my past I have finally mourned the abuse.  In so doing, I am finding a happiness I’ve never known before.  This happiness is part of the miracle God’s healing power provides us.  This completes the portion of the scripture which says: “for they shall be comforted”.  If we don’t allow ourselves to mourn we cannot find comfort nor can we find the happiness promised.  Denial keeps us from mourning and Satan never wants us stepping out into the Truth of God’s Light provided in His Word.  Now that I’ve found the Light of this verse’s truth I never want to re-enter that dark state.  Praise God!