Today is a quiet victory.  As yesterday was beginning for me, I had arisen early and had read my devotional and my Bible.  I was getting ready to journal when the electricity went off.  It flickered 3 times and then stayed off for about 1.5 hrs.  We live close to our church so I was afraid we would have huge issues having our last production of the Christmas program which was at 10:00 am.  The power resumed at 8:30 so all was well.  As I experienced the program one last time I felt once again the deep remorse (need) to settle once and for all the hurts deeply imbedded in me from dad and my childhood.  I didn’t have time to think about it during the program nor afterwards.  As soon as it ended I had a meeting scheduled with 3 others organizing steps to be taken for our expanding recovery programs at church.  As soon as this was done my quartet was singing for a gentleman’s 80th birthday party.  When I got home about 4 pm I needed to pack and prepare to leave this morning for central Idaho where I’m assisting with a federal program review for 3 days.  Then this morning arrived—-.

As I was having my devotions I felt God nudging me to address the deep remorse I’ve felt each presentation of our program and all the different times I’ve practiced it on my own the past few months.  So, I did.  I journaled to dad telling him how much this boy in me wanted to know his love and support when I was actually a boy.  Instead I was given such criticism and even beatings for being who I was then.  I had a huge emptiness inside which wanted to give and receive love.  (I knew dad had died a Christian and had lived as a born again Christian.  Yet, I despised so much about him.)  If you’ve read my book you know the story about dad telling me he wanted me to write the book letting people know he didn’t do his job as father well.  Somehow, even though I knew all of this, deep within I still ached to love my dad.  So this morning I was able to tell dad all of this and that I not only longed to love him, I did love him and I forgive him.  With all of this I let go of the entire past hurt to God Almighty, Jesus my Lord and Savior and The Holy Spirit.  They can do with it only what they do when we finally let it go.

As I asked God what He wanted me to know from Him this morning, He said, “Earnie, now you and your dad can both live as new creations today and henceforth.  You can know your past and use it in the ministries of recovery but this past hurt and agony can now be a powerful tool for you rather than a sense of shame which you need to tell but desire to still hide.”  I wept at this point.  I know I need time to let all of this sink in fully, but I am freer than I’ve ever been as I write this.  Praise God and His Three in One Team!