Have you ever considered doing a T-chart regarding what you know about God in the left column and what you believe about God as it pertains to you in the right column? I wasn’t given this assignment, but it came to mind this morning as I was going through my devotional time.

Going to church all of my life I’ve learned a good deal about God from scripture I read and the voice of man. For much of my life I took what I knew and believed God to be much like the Old Testament described Him. He judged and punished and I feared it immensely. It wasn’t fear that built trust, it was fear as in “keep your distance”.

As I began my involvement with Celebrate Recovery exactly 16 years ago in June of 2007, I began to see some huge differences in God’s behaviors. When I started to simply be open about my past and my struggles of present with it, I received NO JUDGEMENT. I received NO PUNISHMENT. What I received instead was LOVE and GRACE. At first I thought this was only because the few people who found out were simply nice. That wasn’t really the case, Yes, they were nice, but they saw all of this through the lens of love and grace which God is and God gives.

Today, my right column about what I believe about God as it pertains to me is amazingly and humbly thankful and growing. How I love HIM!

Today’s message for me from God is centering around fear. An acronym for fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. I had never seen myself as one who feared until the summer I had retired from my school district after 35 years of service there. I had retired not to quit but to step into consulting with schools who were struggling. Its too long of a story to write it out there, but a month after retiring I found out that the plan another friend and I had made (which seemed solid) had lost its financial support. I had told this to a good friend and said something about fearing what I was now to do? This friend had been a “best friend” since college days. When I said this to him, he grabbed my shoulders and said, “Earnie, when are you ever going to quit fearing and start trusting?”

As I began to process this truth spoken to me I started realizing just how much I did fear. I truly feared heights, deep water, unexpected touch, prolonged hugs, proximity when someone is talking to me, close relationships with men and much more. I’m well aware of the roots to these fears today, but at that time I had no clue–they just existed. I don’t let these fears dominate my life today even though they want to pop up in unexpected times. Today I know to put my HOPE in God for fearing God is what we are told to do. He is the very ONE who will take care of all our fears if we will simply TRUST Him to do so. He has been so Kind and Thorough in helping me address all of mine. (I am glad though that when He takes us to heaven I’ll not be in my flesh. That height might be a little much!)

Today, in my devotional time, I was taken back to the point in time when I chose to look at porn rather than to confess the desire and seek help. The devotional message had the reader going back to their decisions to choose sinfulness. In so doing, take that/those decision/s and give them to God. Then, following this step, ask God to give His Strength for the next 24 hours to keep you sober from taking that step today. Each and every day we can make this same decision seeking God’s Strength. One of God’s Powerful Names is I AM as He told Moses.

I have grown to love this name–I AM. I’ve also grown to much better understand its significance. God has never said His name is I WAS or I WILL BE. Thus, we find God in His Name–today. When we find God today we also can find His Strength/Power–His Holy Spirit. In so doing we have the opportunity to choose God’s tremendous TEAM (God, Jesus Christ, The Holy Spirit) over any sinful desire. We can easily apply the three R’s. We can Recognize the temptation, we can Reject it and then Replace it with our surrender of it to God. His Power will take it from there. When the temptation is overly strong, confessing it to my accountability also factors in. I not only surrender the temptation to God but text or call my accountability. Saying the temptation out loud is a really good way to get it outside of you so you can see it and the ugliness of it rather than just feel it inside of you.

Isaiah 1:18 says, “Come now, let us reason together,” says the Lord. Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow….” Taking these simple steps outlined above is genuine reasoning with God. He wants to make our sin/s as white as snow if we will only let Him and I want to let HIM!

Have you ever prayed for God to take away the desires of your heart and replace them with the desires of His heart? This is my devotional’s message for me this morning. It has caused me to do some reflecting. I often ask God to help me serve Him fully surrendered to His Will in my life. However, along with this prayer then comes “my desires”.

It is not uncommon for me to pray at the end of the day to not let anyone call that needs to vent, ask for help, etc. Have them do this in the morning when I am rested, I selfishly want. My eyes have quickly turned to me rather than keeping them on God. I know in my head that God promises His rest for the weary soul, but my selfishness supersedes what I know and replaces it with what I want. Once I reflect on this and write it out as I am doing right now I am ashamed of my selfishness. I don’t get many calls in the after hours of the day anyway, but if I do they are almost always for good reasons and I’m grateful afterwards the person did call.

Learning to trust God with my entire day and stay surrendered to what I trust is something I need to do each day. I can do this when I keep focused on the truth that I only need to do it for today. Tomorrow will be a new day and I can make the same commitment to God for that day. Today’s focus is God’s purposes for today and my surrender to them all day long. God takes care of me along with His taking care of everyone else as I keep my TRUST in HIM.

Keeping a secret can have very negative results when it needs to be exposed. In my working through the book of 90 days journaling and reading the devotional, writing my commitment to God and contacting my accountability, I keep coming back to the consequences of secrets. If we have a physical issue like cancer or an ulcer, etc., and we don’t address it medically, it can eventually kill us. The same is true for our spiritual self when we keep hidden what hinders us from confessing to God and telling a trusted friend.

The reason this hits home for me is that I have found great freedom staying “exposed”. However, sometimes I will generalize the issue when I need to specify the exact issue. I need to get specific with God and the trusted friend. There truly is great freedom and strength in doing this. When I tie this to the Power of God I find at the portal of this specific issue–telling is when the Strength is found. Yesterday’s entry defined this portal.

Complete freedom comes as we confess all there is to confess both to God and this trusted friend!

In 2 Corinthians 12:10 Paul writes, “I’m not defeated by my weakness, but delighted! For when I feel my weakness and endure mistreatment–when I’m surrounded with troubles on every side and face persecution because of my love for Christ–I am made yet stronger. For my weakness becomes a portal to God’s Power.”

I have hated my weaknesses throughout all of my life. When I was little it was the things I couldn’t do like my dad and several of my brothers. Not one of them seemed to be like me, I was the anomaly. By high school I was given singing, leadership and a drive for good grades which gave me somethings to hang onto. I also had this burning desire to please God (now I wonder if that was because I couldn’t please dad, so I’d try to please God). By college my sexual abuse had ended and my secrets began to be fueled by things I heard and experienced while there. Life only added to this as I got beyond college.

Fast forward many years to today and read again the bolded print in the scripture above–For my weakness becomes a portal to God’s Power. The weaknesses of today–desires for porn to gratify fleshly cravings, the pride I have that wants to keep it a secret still–are a portal to God’s Power when I’m not defeated by my weakness but instead–delighted. What a paradox! I see this truth everyday when working with others and their struggles/weaknesses. I confess and surrender and what happens–God’s Power shows up! What an AMAZING GOD!

I began yesterday’s entry saying what a blessed day it was starting out to be. That didn’t change. All day remained the same. It seems there are few days in life that pristine. One of the surprises (blessings) was finding how many raspberries were ready to pick. I had picked a couple of them next to the garden that were ripe so I thought I’d go through the patch to see just how many were ready. Well, that picking turned out to be about 1/3 of a gallon. That’s not a lot compared to the ones to follow, but it is great for the first. I now know I’ll be picking every other day for a couple of weeks!

For years and years I wondered why God allowed the abuse of my childhood to come about? Then when I married the first time, why He allowed a divorce when my two girls were only 2 & 4? I had tried so hard to live well for Jesus and obey His leadership in my life, but still all of this happened. One of my devotional readings started with a quote from Charles Spurgeon. It reads: “No man ever became holy by chance. There must be a resolve, a desire, a panting, a pining after obedience to God, or else we shall never have it.”

My biggest reason for making a resolve, having a deep desire, a panting, a pining for obedience to God was because I could not do this on my own. I had tried for 30 years only to find my self hurting deeply. Full surrender of all my efforts was the only way I was ever going to find FREEDOM in Christ Jesus! All these years later God has made it abundantly clear about my childhood. He never created it, but He wanted to use it for His Honor and Glory. When I finally committed to partnering with God to share my story, I began to find what I never had before hand. What a humble honor it is to be able to serve God in this capacity.

Today feels like a gift to me. I was able to sleep until my body was ready to get up. That isn’t sleeping in as most describe it, for 6:30 am is still early for most. However, the last several mornings I’ve needed to be up hours ahead of this. So, today, with the house empty but me and very quiet, I slept.

The book I’ve mentioned many times of late had a message today that squarely hits me at the heart of my being. The book is Freedom Starts Today by John Elmore. Today’s message was asking about what “idol” our sinfulness is serving? I have always thought that porn and/or masturbation was the idol for me. However, as I was reading this morning and journaling about this I found myself needing to focus on a taproot. Writing about this openly for any reader to read is difficult because the content is raw and graphic if I were to go into detail. I don’t think the detail is necessary for each one of us has our own “detail” that is raw and graphic and that is what needs to be given to God and asked to be removed once and for all in our lives.

I don’t often write, nor do I need to, about such intimate detail. However, today I needed to do just that. I have journaled and asked God to remove this idol that wants to be served (gratified). I’ve daily asked God for strength to not give into the temptations of porn and masturbation. Today, I ask God to remove the idol they want to serve. My first step in this has been done which is to apply the 3-R’s. I’ve Recognized it, and I’ve taken the 2nd step which is to Reject it. I’ve also, when I journaled, took the 3rd step and Replaced it with The Holy Spirit in my life–filling the hole where that idol resided. Oh what a treasure our Father God, Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit are!

Today started quite early needing to have my wife, youngest daughter and my granddaughter at the airport by 5:30 am. They are on their way and I am prepping for today.

Last night in our step study group we were addressing the lesson entitled: CONFESS. In one of the answers I mentioned the therapy I’d had for PTSD. Afterwards one of the men asked me what the therapy was for PTSD and I told him–EMDR. He wanted to know how it worked so I stepped into it telling him about the session when we were addressing the shame in my life. This was one of the most powerful, yet painful sessions in the 3 years I was in this counseling. The amazing part of the session for me was when the session was ending I was told by the counselor to put the memories/pain and shame in the safe container I’d selected to house all of it so it wouldn’t be returning. However, in this session I was so overcome with the weight of the shame I couldn’t move any part of my body. I could barely whisper telling her this. So, she, the counselor, told me to ask God to send angels to lift the weight of shame for me.

I did ask God to send angels, however as time past, no one came. When the counselor asked me what was taking place, I said no one came, but no one ever came. She told me to not believe that lie and keep asking. All of a sudden there were two beings present who lifted the entire weight from me. I simply knew it was God and Jesus. Later, when I thanked God for coming, I asked Him why He didn’t send angels. He said to my mind, “I wanted you to know how important you are to Jesus and Me.” I simply wept at that point. This was the beginning of a major turning point for me.

WELCOME TO SUMMER! Summer is beginning very mildly this year. It is only 43 degrees right now outside and the house is 64 degrees. I wouldn’t be surprised if Kathy turns the furnace on for a short while when she arises!

As I was reading my devotional material this morning I read a quote by J. I. Parker. It says in part, “The Spirit’s message to us is to never look at me, listen to me, come to me, get to know me; but always to look at HIM and see His Glory…!”

Over the years I have yearned to know God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit very intimately. Before I had the 3 years of intense therapy and counseling I had spent a year journaling to each of the three hoping to build that intimacy with each one. I found at the end of this time that I was more disappointed than anything else. The intimacy I yearned to develop was as mysterious as it had been before hand. Actually, it seemed even more mysterious because now I’d spent all of this time and there was still no closeness for which I yearned.

Today I’m growing into the respectful, loving thankfulness for our Triune God. The Holy Spirit within me (as I grow into better surrendering to Him) is amazingly unseen, yet powerfully important. He is the motivation, the focuser, the discipliner to not quit until the goal is reached and the red flag carrier when one is “not to go there”. WOW! I love this journey and what it continues to teach and transform!