As this journey continues several years after its start–(I’m calling the start when I wrote my autobiography in 2015)–I am finally seeing something God has wanted me to address. Will I trust Jesus to be Lord of my life in all things rather than some things? Will I move to trust Jesus to be Lord as I trust Him to be Savior?

It has always been easy to trust Jesus as Savior for me. He promises that I will go to heaven at death since I’ve accepted Him into my life. This assurance has been easy. In fact, only in recent years have I begun to live my life to live. Since my teen years I had lived life to die. Living with the bondage of abuse left me with an intense desire to die. I wouldn’t take my life, but I often prayed God would take it. Finding real freedom from the bondage has given me the desire to live my life in order to truly live. I still appreciate the fact that I’ll die, but I no longer even think about asking God to end my life.

More than all of this, God is wanting me to trust His Son Jesus as LORD OF ALL. This 90 day journey I’m on is accenting my need to see a selfishness within me in a different light. Counseling, from more than one counselor, had told me I would likely never be free of gay thoughts, and desires of porn. The waters run deep from the abuse of my past sexual abuse and my dad’s verbal abuse. I’ve lamented this statement since hearing it, and so I stuff it rather than deal with it. Now, I surrender it with trust in Jesus as my LORD. If I am to live with it, I’ll live with it as a reminder of surrender rather than a threat to Jesus being Lord. I want Jesus as Lord more than anything in this world!