I suppose that every 8 years or so one needs to change a flat tire so they don’t forget how it’s done and where all of the equipment to change it is located. Yes, that happened last night shortly after midnight. My two brothers and wives along with Kathy and me went to see the Wizard of Oz last night. It is a little place in the mountains about 60-70 miles from home. There is an outdoor theater there which has been doing summer theaters for well over 30 years. All went well until I was 5 miles from home and I had a flat. It was a little after midnight and I have a 7:30 am counseling appointment this morning so I was wishing to get home and to bed. Well, God provided a gentleman who assisted us while my brothers and I got the tire changed. I told God I wasn’t going to let this mishap disrupt a wonderful afternoon and evening with Him and my family.

God really is amazing! The gentleman who stopped “happened” to be a traffic controller so he had cones to put up since we were on the outskirts of our main town. Even at this time of night there was a good amount of traffic. God never sleeps, even when I wish I were sleeping! No matter the need, He is present!

I have made an early appointment to get my wife’s car serviced today. I have to apologize for this taking precedence over my writing of this entry. I guess, while I’m in the flesh, my journey will have days like this. My commitment is still to live this day sober in my flesh and fully accountable to my Savior and Lord Jesus Christ! With the help of His Holy Spirit within me, I will do this. To God be the Glory!

Today is Father’s Day. I got up to find a nice card from my wife at the coffee pot. I thought it was odd I hadn’t received a card from my daughter in Oklahoma. She is always right on time and if not, she sends a text saying it is in the mail. Well, after thinking this I realized I haven’t gotten the mail from the mailbox for two days! The local family will all be here later to celebrate the day and to celebrate my youngest grandson’s birthday which was earlier this week.

Today’s focus being Father’s Day brings to my mind the sweetness of our Father God. I wrote yesterday about finding what a wonderful Father He truly is. Yesterday our quartet sang for an assisted living place where I gave a brief testimony of my life and the critical role my Father God has played in it. Giving me (us) Jesus to model our living after, but so important is His providing the way to God for eternity. How grateful I am!

All of us have our sinful past and even our present sin. God is quick to forgive when we simply take the step of confessing. I honor you Father God!

Another amazing discovery from working this book, Freedom Starts Today, is the constant presence of God Himself. Not only His Presence is notable, but the kindness within His Presence. Looking back at my own life with my earthly dad, I only see one Friday night where my dad and I had gone to a prayer meeting my senior year in high school. It was specifically for fathers to pray for their sons. I have no idea what dad prayed that night but he hugged me. This one moment has been lost in the myriad of the “other times”.

I had never intended to shield myself from God. I knew He couldn’t be like my dad or else He couldn’t be God. However, building an intimate relationship with God wasn’t going to happen and I hadn’t even realized it. Trusting Jesus and The Holy Spirit was much easier to grasp, though there were many stumbling blocks there too.

Today, the shield I’d kept around me is practically gone. Trusting God as my loving Father has become easy and extremely desirable. Today our quartet sings for a group and I am giving a brief testimony centered around the song–“God Doesn’t Care”. It is a song with a beautiful message telling that God doesn’t care what is in our past. His GRACE is sufficient to address, forgive and help us overcome any obstacle blocking the intimacy God wants to have with you and me. Just reach out and accept His Gift of GRACE!

I need to stay on the topic of me being a jar of clay for another day. Last night’s lesson in Celebrate Recovery was CROSSROADS. This lesson is all about choosing which path we will follow. Will it be a path of surrender and obedience or to stay with “me” being the main decider in my life? I just couldn’t get out of my head my need to stay believing that I am a jar of clay, I always have been and always will be while on this earth. The jar of clay is simply our flesh and living by the flesh–our old self. I might be a new creation but if I choose to live by “my power” I’m choosing to live by the strength of the dead horse–my old self.

I’ve always thought I needed to be strong so not to be like others in my past. I would stand up against them and I’d stand up against the world if it were to be like them. I needed to be this way–I thought. What I have never realized is that this very attitude was my greatest hindrance in breaking away from an addiction like porn. I will forever struggle with the battle if I’m always trying to resist on my strength. I’ve known a lot about my need to surrender but surrendering for me always came after I’d battled on my own.

Today I told God I am a jar of clay and I believe and know I am. I want His Holy Spirit to live within this clay pot and be my Strength, my Shield, my Fortress and so much more! Along with this–I will stay out of His Way in being my STRENGTH! One more thing that is just amazing to me is God’s Patience in waiting for me to awaken to this truth! What a loving God we get to serve!

Last night was the step study group of men session. We are deep into the lessons which prepare one to do their inventory–tell all of their past which led them into the need for recovery. Most of them are ok with this, but one individual is wanting to drop out knowing what has to be done as his next step. He wants what he has done thus far to be enough. He talked a good deal with me after the session and we agreed to meet separately next week so he can go deeply into the whys of his fear. He is a young father and has much potential.

All of my life I “did” for Jesus all I could hoping that someday it would be enough so the bondage would be lifted–removed–forgotten. The scripture II Corinthians 4:7 says, “But we have this treasure in clay jars, so that it may be made clear that this extraordinary power belongs to God and does not come from us.” One of my great awakenings of late has been letting myself be a fragile jar of clay. All of my life I had to be strong so I wouldn’t be weak like I thought my dad and my brother were–even my mom at times. I HAD to be strong so I wouldn’t be like this! Letting myself be a jar of clay? Why God?

The clarity of this came out for me last night as I heard this young man wanting to run so he wouldn’t have to admit that he’s weak. I kept seeing my old self as I listened to him. I knew it was time for me to do more than “know” I’m a jar of clay. I can now believe and appreciate the fact that The Holy Spirit within this jar (me) cannot be strong if I am trying to do this myself. I surrender and realize I WANT to be a jar of clay so all strength within me is The Holy Spirit!

Yesterday was a day where a lot of burden was shared in different settings. The morning had a couple of counseling sessions which seemed to go well. Afterwards, our family had a funeral service for a nephew who had passed. It was a nice celebration of his life, but there are those struggles. Last night was our Celebrate Recovery leadership meeting where some struggles were shared and lastly, the day ended with a quartet practice. Following the practice, a member wanted to talk about an intense burden they were dealing with.

As I started my devotional time I journaled that I felt emotionally exhausted which I quickly recognized as an effect from yesterday. As I asked Jesus what He wanted me to know for today, He reminded me that these burdens are His, not mine. He would let me know if there’s something He wants me to do with them. Being a good listener was my role yesterday. Understanding to let Christ take care of these burdens was my role for starting today.

It is amazing how God works! Giving burdens to Him is just exactly what He wants done. Rejoicing in His promise to be the One who brings about intervention. praising Him ahead of time for what I cannot see but know He will do in His time, is my joy for today,

As this journey continues several years after its start–(I’m calling the start when I wrote my autobiography in 2015)–I am finally seeing something God has wanted me to address. Will I trust Jesus to be Lord of my life in all things rather than some things? Will I move to trust Jesus to be Lord as I trust Him to be Savior?

It has always been easy to trust Jesus as Savior for me. He promises that I will go to heaven at death since I’ve accepted Him into my life. This assurance has been easy. In fact, only in recent years have I begun to live my life to live. Since my teen years I had lived life to die. Living with the bondage of abuse left me with an intense desire to die. I wouldn’t take my life, but I often prayed God would take it. Finding real freedom from the bondage has given me the desire to live my life in order to truly live. I still appreciate the fact that I’ll die, but I no longer even think about asking God to end my life.

More than all of this, God is wanting me to trust His Son Jesus as LORD OF ALL. This 90 day journey I’m on is accenting my need to see a selfishness within me in a different light. Counseling, from more than one counselor, had told me I would likely never be free of gay thoughts, and desires of porn. The waters run deep from the abuse of my past sexual abuse and my dad’s verbal abuse. I’ve lamented this statement since hearing it, and so I stuff it rather than deal with it. Now, I surrender it with trust in Jesus as my LORD. If I am to live with it, I’ll live with it as a reminder of surrender rather than a threat to Jesus being Lord. I want Jesus as Lord more than anything in this world!

There is something beautiful about a garden (at least this is true for me). This is especially true when the garden is weed free and the plants are thriving. My flower gardens and my vegetable garden are in this state presently. There is hardly a day that goes by when I am not in each of the beds taking out any weeds which are appearing. The other key ingredient is keeping them watered. No one really sees this part of the upkeep. They simply see the beds.

I write this message because I thank God for the opportunity to garden. I am not a man who enjoys the hobbies of sports or vehicles. In fact, one of the things I enjoy a great deal about gardening is that I get to do it alone. All of the work I do is with people which I deeply love too. Gardening is peaceful and usually uninterrupted. I find God in this time.

Everyone needs their moment of pleasure and relaxation. This is mine. This is the place where God restores my soul. I thank Him for providing this home and place of refuge. God is so GOOD!

I have been utterly amazed at the pointed accuracy this 90-day book/journal has been in hitting the world of temptation we (I) encounter. I met yesterday morning with one of the two small groups to check-in and see how they are doing staying sober? Every one of the four is finding stability during this time. I have found each day’s entry to not only be encouraging, but it is also extremely accurate to the day’s encounter. Today’s message reminds me that Satan knows my weakness/vulnerability and when I am tired mentally and or physically I am most vulnerable. The reminder that I can at that time accommodate my temptation or I can let Christ and The Holy Spirit within me be what Satan sees within me. I always hear that voice of intuition in my head asking the question, “Is this something you really want to do?” My response can always be–“NO” and then turn my back to the temptation.

I think we all know that the above message seems so simple and logical. Yet, when one encounters the temptation, making the decision is often a genuine struggle. Yes, this is our selfish flesh screaming for accommodation, but I encourage anyone reading to join me in taking the step just for today that lets Christ and The Holy Spirit be what Satan sees in you. Tomorrow we can do it again, but for today, lets remain sober using God’s Gift to us.