This morning God has opened my eyes to another area of growth I’ve needed to find. This has to do with my emotions. Every since Star Trek came along as a TV program I’ve “idolized” Spock. He was the very one who always had complete control of himself and made wise choices in the heat of major issues. I wanted to be just like him. My example growing up with dad was a man who made ugly choices from his emotional rages. I sure didn’t want to be like him.

Yesterday I wrote about surrendering my pride and humbly confessing “one to another”. In so doing, The Holy Spirit can do His cleansing and healing work in me/in each of us. As I was journaling today God was pointing out that pride and humility are in the emotions category. All of a sudden I realize I WANT to appreciate my emotions and I stopped to thank God for giving me emotions and that I finally could see them as a GIFT rather than a threat. They are a part of the “fearfully and wonderfully made” creation as Psalms 139:14 tells us.

Once again, God has personalized a lesson for me–part of His Spiritual, special education work. I leaning to love being a special education student!

My present lessons from God have a common thread for me–learning to live fully surrendered to His Holy Spirit’s leading in my life. I’ve tried to do this for many, many years. The problem has been who was doing the work of “trying”. I’m learning to replace trying with surrender. In my devotional time this morning God helped me see something about surrender I haven’t understood until His Light got my attention.

James 5:16 tells us to confess one to another so we can be healed. It goes on to say that the prayers of a righteous man are powerful and effective. I’ve tried to rely on this verse for many years now since I learned its importance in Celebrate Recovery. Today it personalized more deeply for me. As I confess my temptations and my sinfulness I humble myself in so doing. Confessing makes me surrender my pridefulness in wanting to keep any of this need between God and me, leaving out “one to another”. I’ve known this truth, but today I suddenly realize that it is when I “humble” myself telling “one to another” that The Holy Spirit can now come into my humility replacing my sinful pride. The confessing displacing the pridefulness with God’s Holy Spirit and now I have His Strength instead of my self-reliance which has never worked.

Often I think I’m part of God’s special education course for learning to live for Him. But, as I write this I realize God personalizes lessons for all of us so maybe we are all part of God’s SPECIAL education course!

If only I had the capability to look ahead 24 hours I’d never need to worry, fret, an plan excessively. I’d be able to see just how things would be working out and I could just plan accordingly. Well, I know this is never the case. However, if I TRUST GOD as I live the 24 hours of today, I am not needing to worry or fret and I can actually PRAISE GOD for what He will be doing that I get to take part in. I simply plan according to what I presently know to do and TRUST from there. Well, truth be known, this has never been an easy task for me. I have times when it seems to come easily, but for the most part, I only praise God after the fact and try not to fret too much.

Yesterday’s message about my day of counseling and the singing event last night and my worrying is my perfect example of what I’m writing about. The best example of this for yesterday is a couple who are coming and the husband is hoping to redeem their marriage. It was on course for divorce. I had several potential steps I was wanting to draw from when they arrived. Well, I simply set them all aside for I was stunned at what God had already done. He and they were already on the restoration track. Why do I fret when I know God does this?

Today’s commitment is to live fully in the next 24 hours with God’s Spirit within me taking full charge so I live by His leading and my full surrender. Last night’s concert was another example of what I’m writing. I didn’t need to worry about “voice”. God’s Voice was heard and the audience said this over and over afterwards. Trusting God and Praising Him ahead of time is a lesson I’ve repeatedly needed!

The faithfulness of God is so amazing. I can stumble around with my own fears when all I have to do is surrender the fears and let God lead me through the day.

Today is a full day of counseling and then hurry to a neighboring town where our quartet is singing for a group of folks. I was concerned about staying tuned in to all I hear from clients and being able to respond to them well and still have a good “singing voice” for tonight’s concert. I want all of it to glorify God and show Him, not me. Yet, I feared this rather than trusted God in it.

As I have gone through my devotional time God has reminded me once again of His genuine ability to complete all that is to be done today. I don’t need to fret about any of it unless I am going to remove Him from the picture. That I’m not wanting to do! Yet, my fear was already starting to do this. I’m glad to be fully awake now to God’s Strength within me and His ability to complete all that is to be done in this day! Why would I ever want to trust my lack of strength when I have God’s limitless Strength within me waiting to be drawn upon?

I’m reminded today of God’s love and mercy. Along with this love and mercy He gives to us, He is extremely patient in waiting for us to receive it. I spent most of my life asking God to remove the vicious memories of my childhood abuse so I could “live freely”. Along with these memories I wanted Him to remove all of the tormenting temptations I had which entered in my life and added more shame to whom I thought I was. I couldn’t see or find God’s love and mercy for me when He was unwilling to act on my requests/pleas. Why would He want me to suffer all of it when I knew He didn’t treat anyone else this way?

As I’ve begun to share what I kept inside as my secrets I’ve found that the world is full of people holding secrets. They may not be secrets like my own, but the reason for not sharing them was driven by fear and shame just like mine were. When I share mine, they are willing to begin to share their own. Only then did I begin to find that freedom to “live freely”.

My definition for God’s love and mercy was to grant my pleas. Instead, God was wanting me to begin to respond to His Spirit’s nudges within me. Today, I understand much more fully this love and mercy of God which is fully accompanied with GRACE. It is received when I act on God’s nudges. God’s nudges are given for completing His Purposes. As I’ve awakened to all of this, my desire to share my past rather than hide it has changed completely. In sharing I find the great reward of watching God dismantle other’s shackles just as He has done my own!

It seems some of the messages I write get repeated over and over. Well, there is another one I want to hit upon today. This 90 day focus on one day at a time for finding real freedom from any struggle is a fundamental truth. It is simply impossible for the flesh to be so strong each and every day to never step into an area of struggle and stay clean from it. It is only from the Strength of God that this can be done and it can only be accomplished in the present day for which we are living. This connection to God calling Himself I AM is all about this.

It is easy to read the name I AM and know that it means right now. However, being awake to I AM when one is in the midst of the struggle’s tug is an entirely different thing. Becoming so focused on this truth is a growth any Christian needs to find. My word, I’ve been a Christian a very long time and I’m just now beginning to see this significance for the enormity it is! I’ve always wanted to be free of my past’s torments and from porn for my lifetime. Yet, only now do I begin to see the freedom of what I’ve longed for in today. I don’t need to worry that tomorrow may be a horrible temptation day. Tomorrow will be today when it arrives and I will have the power of I AM with me at that time.

Isn’t all of this AMAZING?! I hope I’m not boring you with these repeated messages, but as this fundamental truth sinks further into deep meaning for me, I want to share it just in case there is a reader needing the same deeper reality for themselves.

Today I’ve begun to start again the 90 day commitment to sobriety from porn using the book I’ve mentioned repeatedly in the past 90 days. When I started it 90 days ago I was wanting to mostly see if it was worthwhile to use with clients coming for counseling and with those coming to Celebrate Recovery. What I found most of all was how worthwhile it was for me.

It has been difficult for me to get the victim mentality out of my head as I’ve lived life. It was something I could use as a pacifier for selfish sinfulness. This whole thing I wrote about yesterday, using dad and my brother as my measuring stick for living right, is a perfect example of victim thinking. I’d never thought that through the way God has opened my mind to it now.

As I begin my new, daily walk through this 90 days, I am doing so as Earnie along side Jesus. My measuring stick is Jesus and His Word. I am so grateful for Him opening my eyes to this ugly root in me. How kind and gracious our Savior and Lord is as He teaches us how to live for Him one day at a time!

For 90 days I’ve been responding to the entries in the book I’ve mentioned numerous times: Freedom Starts Today. Today concludes this. The last day has one taking a look at what one was addressing during this time and the root of it. Porn has been a “thorn” for me every since I discovered it in my late 40’s on the internet. I’ve been able to forgive myself time and time again because if I did submit to it I was at least better than dad or my brother. They did real things that hurt. I just did this. I write about it and I talk about it. But in reality, what I saw in myself today was this pride of mine.

Every single time I’d try to salve the pain of guilt with that line–“at least I’m not like dad or my brother”–I was forgiving myself and gratifying my pride. This isn’t a new message for me, but today I saw the root of this pride in me. One just doesn’t earn goodness in Christ from prideful actions. God’s Mercy, Grace, Love, Forgiveness and so much more are GIFTS which are given from His nature, not something I’ve earned.

My goal in life has always been to be Christ-like. But, my measuring stick wasn’t Christ, it was dad and my brother. Today I let that go and confessed my sinful pride. My eyes are on Christ and Christ alone. I will need to do this daily, How faithful and loving our Savior and Lord Jesus Christ is!

“Be still and know that I AM GOD.” (Psalms 46:10) Today I’m fundamentally reminded to put this into place knowing that all I have on my plate is not for me to “fix”. I am a helper/servant to our Almighty God and He alone is the great healer. I know this well, but my emotional base will sometimes get into the way of what I know. It will want to drive me to try and fix something which isn’t mine to fix. If I do try and fix (which I’ve done many times in my past) it only breeds resentment and frustration from the other party.

For whatever reason, there have been an abundance of severe issues brought to the table of late. Taking each one individually and “remembering to help guide” by listening well and responding as needed and necessary, is my role. Reminding that God is the GREAT HEALER is something I need as well as the party involved. Helping them focus on this truth and laying their issue before God is critically important. Then, learning to put into action Isaiah 40:31, “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength….” is putting TRUST into action.

For me, in-between these sessions I need to put into my action the same Trust I try to help the other party find. I do this by remembering, “Be still and know that I AM GOD.”

Yesterday’s last counseling session left me in a level of shock and surrender. The session included two where one unexpectedly confessed to something which almost ended the session. We did continue after a moment of silence and refocusing. I prayed for God’s Light to begin penetrating the darkness of the confession. It was a tremendous reminder for me to surrender all of this to God. God’s Word is powerful and effective and these two need to hear from God.

My granddaughter left yesterday and arrived at her destination where she will live for an undetermined amount of time. We will stay in close contact and rejoice with her as she begins a new chapter(s) for her life. There are several things happening close to home for me which I need to continuously remember to surrender. All of them could easily consume my thoughts and actions, but I know that involvement would be counter productive. I am learning better than I ever have to Praise the Lord rather than to be anxious and fretful.

God is so AMAZING when we keep our focus on Him and Trust Him.