As I typed the title just now I can hardly continue. The journey needs to pause and to remember. My dear friend Penny entered the gates of heaven yesterday early afternoon. We were on our way to be with her and Dave when Dave text saying Penny was gone. As we walked into their home, we could only give love and support to a grieving husband and a few others who were there. 

This morning I text Dave to share with him my love and support knowing there would be little sleep last night for him. He quickly responded with the truth of that, but also with his reflections of so many loving memories. It was after this that I had finished my devotional reading and bible reading. I then took my prayer list and began to pray over those listed. I came to Dave and Penny. I know I am to rejoice that Penny is no longer suffering from the cancer-ravaged body, but for a moment I just lost it. I know this is needed for my emotional release, but, selfishly, I don’t want to have Penny gone and Dave alone. We have cherished their relationship with us and our family. 

I do celebrate in my heart the beauty of Penny’s reality now. I truly do and I know that grieving is necessary. I even write this blog today as part of my expression of grief. I know that humor and liveliness will return. Just for this moment I need to express the pain of loss for one of God’s greatest gifts of friendship–Penny Poppinga.

I wrote yesterday about the curriculum called Every Man a Warrior. An assignment within it is to memorize a scripture it gives you for each session. We then recite it to a partner in the group and they do the same with you. Each session adds a new scripture and one is to recite the previous ones too in order to keep them in long-term memory. I have to admit this was my personal reason to not want to use this material. I STRUGGLE with memorizing and I’d much rather put hard work into other learning. However, God has gently kept me on track and this morning is another session. (We meet every other Saturday due to the men’s work schedules). 

As I have grown older I have realized the solid truth that God never changes. I went through this memorizing issue when I was asked to start the counseling ministry. It is biblical counseling and so I thought I’d have to memorize scripture so I could quickly quote it when needed. My fears wanted to rule my actions. God gently kept me on tract and now 1.5 years later I realize even more how God’s Holy Spirit prompts scriptures when needed in counseling sessions. He is not wanting to punish me, He is working to continue growing me into more of His likeness. There is nothing more concrete for us to grab ahold of than God’s Word–The Bible. The Word not only shows us the substance of God, but it enables us to be more like Him when we “guard it in our heart”. 

OK, I’m going to quote my memory verse this morning. I, more than anything, want to please God, not try and manipulate my way out of obedience.

The curriculum being used for our men’s group on Saturday morning is called Every Man a Warrior. I’ve mentioned it a few times. It has a process of analyzing scripture being used by asking the reader to respond to 5 questions once it is read. The questions are: Command to obey? Promise to claim? Sin to avoid? Application to make? Something new about God? 

As I was reading my bible this morning I was thinking these questions as I read about Moses listening to God at the burning bush. I’m in the early chapters of Exodus. This is where God gives Moses His Name of I AM. I have learned to rely on this name of God and use it frequently in our Celebrate Recovery ministry as well as with the counseling one. We are adopted into this family where I AM is the GOD and LORD. God told Moses this was His Name for His family–the Israelites. We are part of this family–adopted into it. 

I haven’t done the math to know how many thousands of years ago God gave this name to Moses to be used to reference people to God, but I have grown to love this name for its powerful importance today. This Almighty, Powerful God who creates and controls the universe, intimately loves me–you and me. He wants us to listen carefully to Him and come to Him just as Moses did so long ago. Once Moses had learned to go to God at the burning bush, He regularly went to God and sought His leadership and directions. God does this for us too if we will come to Him. I AM is waiting for us just as He was waiting for Moses. He is interested and has directions for us for this very day where I AM is right with us. Our God is so AMAZING!

Sometimes the journey needs to include things like a colonoscopy. I needed to be at the hospital by 7:00 am this morning and nicely, my brother took me as Kathy didn’t want to drive in this weather we are having. I’m home, have the snow shoveled and needed to get my blog completed even though it is late. 

For reasons that may be understandable, I’m not completely at ease when I have one of these. 20 years ago when I had my first one my heart rate was 146 and the nurse thought I wouldn’t be able to complete it. The doc understood and he said to just knock me out, which they did. Today my heart rate was ONLY 127. The nurse thought I must be very uptight and asked if there were a reason? I told her I felt just fine (which I did) but that I had experience several years of sexual abuse from a brother while growing up and this is just residual from that time in my life. She raised her eyebrows and that’s all that was said. Seconds later I was out like a light. 

After a day of no eating and only drinking that “good stuff”, it was nice to come home and have a great breakfast! I’m sure colonoscopies are a result of sin. God’s original design I’m sure would never require something like this! Yet, GOD is GOOD!

Last night a small group of men who are using the curriculum called Every Man a Warrior met. There are three of these small groups meeting throughout the week. The one I lead on Saturday mornings has been disconnected from the other two because they are led by the same man. This man is a regional director for the organization behind this curriculum. We met so we could socialize for a brief time and then watch a video which told the story how God uses tragedy to bring about His Glory. 

This morning I finished reading Genesis. In the last couple of chapters Jacob (Israel) dies. The brothers of Joseph go to him saying they were sorry for their ill treatment of him and their father Jacob had instructed them to come and ask Joseph to forgive them. Joseph already knew that God had used their earlier behavior to build his Kingdom plan. He told his brothers exactly that. 

I would never have known in my earlier years how God would take my hideous secrets and use them. I know God doesn’t want me comparing what was done to me and how He now uses it, to the way He used Joseph’s ill treatment to actually create His Chosen People. But this morning after last night’s message and this morning’s scripture, God does want me to know He never wastes a hurt if we will only surrender it, give Him a chance to heal the hurt, and then be willing to share the hurt and healing so others know they don’t need to hide their own. What a privilege it is to walk with our Father each day. 

This year’s devotional choice is really focused right now on one’s position with Christ and Christ’s use of you if you are committed to serving Him. It talks about this no matter what one’s age is. When I was much younger I would think that when one retired you would spend the time selfishly doing whatever one wanted with his time. Now that I’m well into these years of “choice” I find myself doing just what I selfishly want to–living as fully for Jesus as possible. It is amazing how He wants us to enjoy life with our kids and grandkids, friends and relatives; yet at the same time serving Him in whatever capacity He puts before you. 

Living for Jesus and serving Jesus as best as one could always seemed a little threatening when I was younger. I was scared to death of being called into ministry like being a pastor or something. My dad had told me he hoped I’d be his one son that became a pastor. I instantly thought to myself: ”Wow, you treat me this way and then think I could be a pastor? My brother does what he does to me and you think I’d could be a pastor? I need to keep these in hiding my whole life or I won’t be able to be part of any meaningful work.” 

Even at this age today I know God never intended for me to be a pastor. He wanted me to serve Him in the capacity He gave me and trust Him while doing so. All of these years later the fears are gone and the gratification of serving God is such a pleasure. How He takes one’s life and uses it for His Glory will always be nothing but AMAZING!

I put in yesterday’s entry about my need to go to the airport in the morning. I spent 1.5 hours shoveling snow just to clear the sidewalk and the entrance to our garage. Kathy’s sis’s car was piled with snow so I also needed to get it ready so they could leave as soon as we got back to the house. All of this went smoothly. We hadn’t been home only about 15 minutes when Kathy said someone was outside. I looked out to see our neighbor from across the road in our driveway with his tractor. He was clearing our entire drive. Wow, what a nice man! We then went to our friend’s home to be with our loved one who is closer to heaven than here. We joined another couple and sang hymns that our friend had requested. 

As I journaled this morning I was reminded that God wants to use you and me for HIs glorious purposes. He wants us to ask Him how He wants us to invest our lives? I use to think I needed to invest myself in doing God’s work through the church so I could hopefully earn His favor so He’d take away the memories of my past as well as the temptations that haunted me in the present. I write about this often, but then God wants me, compels me, to write this so any reader who may struggle similarly can know God will use you just as He does me if you will let Him. Taking the step of faith is SO difficult, but SO WORTH IT! God has a plan for you just as He does for me. “Let Him have His way with thee.”

Well, the snow storm hit. We now have 15-18″ of snow on the level. There is no wind so I’m truly grateful for that. The temperature is in the teens rather than single digit which I also appreciate. We have to head to the airport in 2 hours to get Kathy’s sis and niece. They have been on a buying trip for her sis’s store in Joseph, OR. I have no idea what road conditions are like, but just getting out of our driveway may be our biggest challenge! Church is cancelled for the day. The office had given out a warning email when this storm was being predicted so I’m hoping everyone got it and stays home.

One of my Christmas presents was a book about shame. It’s title is: The Soul of Shame. I use to live in shame almost continuously. The need to hide my past was driven by this topic. The book has many stories about one’s who have battled this. Even though I don’t relate to what drives the shame some stories tell, what shame does to its owner is the same. 

What is so blessed amazing to me is that I now read this book understanding what the author is telling, but its grip on me is now gone. Sure, there are moments that are raw just from the truth of them, but the grip to hide it is no longer there. The amazing work of Christ on the Cross, burying our sins and those done to us, is incredible. Once I was able to speak out loud and to write out the tormenting evil within me; and lastly, find Jesus in it, I began to find the shackles fading away. 

God is so GOOD. Giving us His Son and to also give us His Holy Spirit is a GIFT beyond anything man can comprehend. Yet, when we allow them to daily be our motivation, our comfort, our peace, we can live letting God use all of our story for HIS GLORY!

Winter has arrived. Listening to the news it sounds like this is true for our entire country. However, it is mid January and for us in S. Idaho, we need all of the snow we can get for our water supply this coming year. I thank God for it. There is a major storm that hit yesterday which blanketed us with 6″ of new snow here in the valley. Today we are to get that much more (plus) but it will be accompanied with 30-40 mph winds. Along with this, the temperature is dropping to single digits. All of this is fine for me, I’ve just needed to do counseling over the phone or delay the sessions for the coming week. 

Yesterday I wrote about taking this time to reflect. It is always important to do this and to do it regularly. This morning as I began this time I was very quickly reminded how fragile moments like yesterday morning are. The devotional time was so peaceful and nice. Then, the temptations began. I seemed to battle them much of the day. This morning as I began to pray over my prayer list I saw what I had momentarily forgotten as the temptations hit yesterday. It was the words at the top of my prayer list: Keep my eyes of Jesus, Listen to His Voice, Obey His Commands. I instantly saw my flaw–keeping my eyes on the temptations and me rather than giving them over. 

There is a Power far greater than anything we have in the flesh that lives within us. This is Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit. I know this so well, but living each and every day as though I know it is something I can only do one day at a time. Today I’ve taken my three commands and placed them in front of me. Today, I’m keeping my eyes and ears focused and obeying all I hear. To God be the Glory!

This morning there seems to be a pause in the learning curve. It is time to stop and reflect on all that God has been doing of late. Last night one of our men gave his testimony for our Celebrate Recovery group. This man started coming 10 years ago and is now our ministry lead. He was the one who replaced me a few years back. His marriage was on the rocks when he started. He had a number of issues he was hiding when he came. However, just as God alone can do and will do if we are willing, He turned this man’s life around and is now using all of his past to help others with their current struggles. 

As I reflect this morning I am filled with gratitude. This gentleman I write about has a very different past from my own. What is amazing is what God does with it. The steps one must take to find freedom from the past bondage are always the same. The road to our Healer is the same for there is only One Healer and we call Him Jesus. 

Today I take this time to rejoice and give thanks to Jesus Christ, my Savior, my Lord and my Healer!