I gave my testimony to our Celebrate Recovery group last night. It is always a humbling and yet rewarding time when our testimony is given to be used by God our Father to help others who struggle. In the follow-up share group time I listened to men respond to what impacted them from our (God and me) story. I know beyond a shadow of doubt that God uses our testimony to enlighten others giving hope for them in the midst of their own struggle. However, each and every time this happens for me I am amazed again how this is true for me. What I believed must be kept a secret and taken to the grave is now routinely spoken to others as a tool in the Master’s Hand. God is nothing but AMAZING!

The darkness of sin is stifling and suffocating. BUT, the LIGHT OF JESUS, allowed into this darkness, takes what had been choking us to death, and turns it into a life-saving breathing tube giving us the healing oxygen sin had robbed. Breathing now is easy and free–no more bondage. Helping others find this LIGHT is a JOY and privilege. 

Yesterday morning I was wanting to sort through some things on my desk and get rid of what is no longer needed. In so doing I came across a couple of file folders marked: Personal things. I recalled making those folders many years ago, but I had long forgotten what was in them. As I began to sort through the contents I found journaling I had done in 1978 through 1984. In them were my writings about the months before my divorce and the years of being single along with my meeting Kathy. A common thread throughout these 6 years was the influence (help) a dear friend–Jim McMillan was for me. On May 26, 1984 I had written a poem to him. I remember doing this and giving it to him to thank him for his Godly wisdom and support during this time in my life. For whatever reason, I had a couple copies of the poem. I text my prayer warrior Lois (wife of Jim) and asked if I could come over for a few minutes? I wanted to give her the copy I had found.

As I read the poem to Lois and gave it to her, we began to reflect on those years so long ago. Pastor Jim had been God’s gift to me in my earliest years. I could see how God put him in my life when I was in my mid teens to give me Hope. His sermons always pointed me to Jesus Himself and for a moment I could see Him in the messages. His Godly influence continued until his death only a few years ago. Then, 16 years ago when we started Celebrate Recovery, Lois said to me she’d like to pray for this ministry if I were willing to keep her informed of the needs we addressed. Only yesterday did I see just how continuous these two have been for me. I told Lois she and Jim were a second set of parents God gave to keep me focused on Him and Him alone. 

God is so AMAZING! I loved having this connection come together yesterday and reflecting for a moment on God’s faithfulness to us even when we only for a time see darkness. God is always with us! Today I give Him PRAISE!

A counseling client I have been seeing for several months now hit on a topic yesterday which was a huge trigger for himself. The topic was a man with a high level of sensitivity. This young man has been criticized most, if not all, of his life for this and today has (what Celebrate Recovery calls character defects) from it. As we hit on the topic I asked him to reconsider this thinking about his sensitivity being a curse. The question I asked was, “What if you saw your own sensitivity as the sensitivity God gave you when He created you? What if you saw this sensitivity as God’s sensitivity towards you and all He has created?” We were able to hit upon this topic for a short while before the session ended, but agreed we needed to continue this next week.

I am giving my own testimony tomorrow night to our Celebrate Recovery group. As I finished the session yesterday, I was reflecting on just how many character defects I’ve dealt with in my own recovery. Many of my own have had to do with my own level of sensitivity which I’ve needed to hide. This young man has never seen himself as a blessing to God just as I had never seen myself for such a long period of my life. I still today struggle accepting a compliment from someone for any good I might have done for them. I am much better than I use to be, but the lingering effects of my own past wants to rear its ugly head. 

I’m always amazed at the way God works. To get to be part of this work is a huge healing ointment for me. Using my past to allow others to see how God will work for them is a gift each day. 

Today the journey does continue. I haven’t done a counseling appointment for 5 days and it begins again this morning. It seems as though I’ve been gone from it for months, yet I know as soon as we start all of that will go away. I went to meet with my prayer warrior Lois yesterday morning. It was so good to meet with her again. I am so lucky to have her as part of my life. She asks all of the questions I need to talk about and I’m assured they will be prayed over. The unexpected blessing is when she asks about a counselee of the past to see how they are doing today? It is then I get to reflect and see for a moment that God is using the counseling. My nature is to let someone go as they finish and move right into the replacement. I don’t intend to forget or ignore those who finish, I just don’t remember to reflect until, like yesterday, I’m asked a question as Lois did. It is a blessing having her in my life.

As this day comes into play I want to be a tool in my Father’s hands by surrendering anything selfish and listening carefully to Him acting on all that He nudges through His Holy Spirit. For me, to do this, I must live just as the Serenity Prayer says, “…one day at a time, one moment at a time….” It is then that I can see the next step to take or to step away. 

There are times like yesterday when rest with little commitment is simply a gift. That is exactly what yesterday was all about. What was unexpected was a text message I found on my phone when I got home from church. My youngest daughter sent a message telling me I had been on her mind quite a lot these past many weeks. She noted I had (in her words) a lot on my plate. She then stated that she saw the weight I’ve been carrying these past few months and the grace in which I’ve carried it. Also was the statement that she sees the fierce faith I have especially in hardship. I read this and was just stunned for a minute. This was all so unexpected. The value of a compliment is deeply appreciated at certain times. God knows this and knows just the right person to deliver it. 

Taking care of each others’ hearts is very important. Most men aren’t as good at this as our counter parts are. They are a wonderful gift to us from God Himself!

I’m really glad to have life returning to a sense of normalcy. It has been a few weeks of emotional roller coasters, but with today I think we can begin to see daily living having less of this. I know my dear friend will need his space but will also need to know he is not forgotten. He has friends here from his home state and from his past work with Campus Crusade so this is comforting.

I have to admit I feel somewhat drained this morning. I do look forward to church and participating with worship and to hear the message. This always nourishes my soul and it is nice to be fed. This is a day of rest and I am going to rejoice and be glad in it!

My goodness, yesterday was one filled with emotions, love and joy, as well as moments of spiritual blessings one would never want to miss. The grief was momentarily set aside as hundreds of family and friends gathered to celebrate the life of Penny Poppinga. It’s nice to have friends staying with us so one can reflect and process.

As today begins I simply thank God for being so intimately close. What in the world would we do without such a caring Father? The ugliness of sinfulness is gone for Penny–gone forever. I have a quartet practice at 10 am. I told Jesus when I was journaling I looked forward to practicing the songs we are learning and letting His Holy Spirit nurture as we sing these songs of praise and healing. GOD IS SO GOOD!

This morning at 9:00 am we lay our friend Penny to rest. At 11:00 am we will have her celebration of life at our church followed by a dinner. The last time I lost a friend of Penny’s significance to me was before I had the years of counseling and therapy. When he died (also of cancer) I fought being angry with God and with man. I just couldn’t figure out why God would take such a blessed man from this earth. He was important down here. 

Today as I process Penny’s celebration of life I see it very differently. I see for the first time for me the battle between God’s Spirit within me and the flesh I live in. My flesh is so selfish. I don’t want the beauty/joy of this earthly life to change. My spirit knows this change is coming and is coming for me someday. I rejoice for Penny’s eternal home and continuous presence of Jesus, I see my flesh hurting and I will acknowledge it and express it. I don’t need to be angry with God for I see Penny’s passing through much clearer spiritual eyes this time. 

I will miss Penny’s laugh and joyous spirit. I will miss the beauty she always created with her gorgeous floral arrangements. I will miss having her and Dave together and the fun they always created. However, I see a glimpse of a heavenly celebration Penny is experiencing at this very moment, one I will join in God’s timing, and I rejoice with tears of loss, but also with tears of joy generated by a trust/confidence in our Father God I didn’t have those 15 years ago. 

There’s a new song our quartet is learning which is one of the most worshipful songs we’ve ever sung. It’s title is Holy Are You Lord. The music touches my soul significantly and the lyrics equally so. Our leader in the quartet told me he wanted me to sing the one verse adlibbing as is done in the recording. He also said to do the obbligato with the last singing of the chorus. For one thing, I couldn’t get through the song without crying. Secondly, and much more important to me, I struggle with regular rhythm let alone trying to make up my own! With all the ridicule I had growing up, if I do something different from others and draw attention to myself, I instantly have that same stifling fear that practically paralyzes me. Yesterday morning I was determined I should not let my fears get the best of me so I went over these parts of the song endless times so they could just be comfortable. Towards the end of this practice time I was actually starting to “get it”. 

This morning’s devotional was titled–“Reflecting Jesus”. A quote from it says, “This process of transforming you into Christ’s likeness progresses as you present yourself as a holy sacrifice unto the Lord in increasing measure.” (Romans 12:1-2) As I read this I began to see the gentleman who sings this song in live performance. His expression of worship was not self-seeking. Instead, it brings me into the presence of God’s Holy Spirit–it reflects Jesus! I realized this is what God wants me to do and what Mike was asking of me. God doesn’t want me to continue living in the paralyzes of my past. He wants me living in the freedom of my present that God has granted me. 

My “increasing measure” to let God transform me has needed me to recognize this error of thinking I’ve always lived with. THe freedom of expression that reflects my love for my Heavenly Father just as Christ did when He modeled this here on earth, is a new reality. I want to do this with real love and freedom for the Father who sacrificed so greatly for me!