Yesterday at church I was asked by a friend if I’d be willing to come to their bible study this coming week and share my story. Someone in their group last week was talking about his recovery program at his church and he was told about our Celebrate Recovery. In telling him this, my name was brought up which led to me coming to tell my story. It just so happens that their study is in the morning on Thursday’s and I don’t start counseling that day until after lunch so I said I’d be there.

This morning as I was journaling I was wondering who I could give the extra spinach to I have in my garden. It was a good crop this year and I didn’t want it to go to waste. Later in the journaling when I asked Jesus what I was to know from Him for today, I was told it is fine to give what I raise to others, but most importantly is that I share with others what God has done for me. This has eternal value for others while spinach only lasts a meal.

Jesus knew just where my heart was as He told me this. Of course I was going to share my story. Yet, inside I am anxious in so doing. It is one thing to share my story with a group coming for help. I know why they are there. Also, it is easy to share with those who come for counseling help for the same reason. But, when ones are present who are already just fine, well, that’s where I tremble. I needed God’s reminder this morning that our outward appearance is just that–outward. He knows our hearts and He wants me to share from my heart what He has so patiently and gently transformed over the many years. This I want to share. GOD IS SO GOOD!

Three of the four members of our quartet are reaching the mid 70’s in age. Other than some minor voice adjustments, we seem fine–that is until yesterday. Our organizer and tech person who puts the sound together as we set up each time for events, wasn’t there when two of us arrived. We know how to assemble the big parts, speakers, etc., but the sound board and all that is connected to it is done by this absent one. When he arrived 30 mins late, nothing is said, he just comes in and starts to put this together. With this, we were unable to warm up or sound test. This man’s wife had already told me upon their arrival that he had taken a nap and overslept. Inside I was chuckling as we have been friends for most of our lives. In my emotions I was very uptight. I really need the warm-up to let my spirit get aligned with God’s Spirit so I can truly worship as I sing.

The warm-up and sound adjustments had to be done in front of the audience while we began for we were now into start time. They were very friendly and didn’t even seem to care. Well, this morning we are singing again at church. I’m sure we will all be there on time and God will be glorified once again. These little reminders of growing old are not kind!

Today is a beautiful one. The early morning is cool and the summer heat is forthcoming. The garden is happy to have this temperature as it grows best in days like this so with that–I call this a beautiful day!

Today our quartet sings for the assisted living place I mentioned a few days ago. I’ve always been glad to sing for God’s Glory. As I’ve written so many times, I hoped the singing would not only bring God Glory, but it would also bless Him enough that He would take away my torment buried deep within me by obliterating it. Why wouldn’t He do for me just what He says He does for Himself–removes it as far as the east is from the west never to be remembered? Psalm 103.

Well, all these years later, I better understand why He doesn’t remove them for us. Our past is a good reminder why our present needs to be so much different. Once I began to more fully obey God’s nudges and obey His Word by “confessing one to another” and so on, I can see why. So often my past is my entry point with a client who is struggling. When they know my past they are unafraid to share their own and begin their own walk to God’s Freedom.

Today I look forward to experiencing the joy of worship with others as we sing praises to our Savior and Lord Jesus Christ!

As I began to journal this morning I started to write how much I love Jesus. And, that is true! I then quickly started to reflect onto yesterday to thank Jesus for it. It was then I recalled a couple of instances which had not re-entered my mind as of yet. The one happened to be my last counseling session before I went to our Celebrate Recovery worship practice. This session was intended to be an opportunity for a father who had sexually abused his daughter many years ago, now begin to rebuild a long, sought after, loving relationship which the daughter longed to have. Amends and forgiveness had been stated in previous sessions. What took place, however, only deepened old wounds. Selfishness reared its ugly head. The session needed to end which it did.

The session reminded me of my own attempt 30+ years ago to have my own dad face his abuse to his kids. He had asked me why none of the kids ever came to see him? They seemed only interested in their mom. I opened the topic of his controlling/beatings abuse to us while we were growing up and he should apologize for it. I won’t go into all that happened subsequent to this, but dad did what he’d always done and made me the mockery only deepening the wounds in his kids. One of my brothers had said to me afterwards, “Earnie, when will you ever learn that dad isn’t going to change? You need to accept that and quit trying.”

Yesterday I needed to share with a saddened daughter a similar statement. Yes, nothing is impossible with God. However, we can never lose sight that God granted choice to man. God longs for reconciliation to take place, but God never insists for He has granted choice. This father wanted to determine what his daughter’s forgiveness should look like not taking a look at his own flesh.

God reminded me this morning that I can now let this go. I have done my part and now all of this is in His court. It doesn’t feel good, but then life doesn’t always feel good all the time–a tough reality. Only God in His infinite ways knows how to deal with all of this. I surrender this to Him.

The quartet I sign with is giving a concert for an assisted living place this coming Saturday. The one who takes charge of putting our engagements together also puts the program together for each event. He is wanting us to sing a song entitled “He Didn’t Throw the Clay Away”. I have the lead in the song with a solo for the verses. I will introduce the song as it relates so well with my story. As I was running through in my mind what God would want said, He reminded me of Psalms 139:14–“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

A line in the chorus says: “A vessel of honor I am today all because Jesus didn’t throw the clay away.” In the past I’ve cried this song far more than I’ve been able to sing it. It just hits so much raw emotion for me. But, this time God has aligned this line from the chorus with the scripture–I know this full well.

I spent a lifetime wanting God to obliterate my past so I could be a productive servant for Him. Finally, today, I see why He so patiently has waited for me to come around to His purpose rather than mine. He has wanted me to see the truth in His Word–I am fearfully and wonderfully made and I know this full well–A vessel of honor I am today, all because Jesus didn’t throw the clay away. I had believed the lie that my past had made me so unworthy not allowing the blood of Jesus to cleanse and purify. God wanted me to understand that my past He wanted to use for His purpose. The gratitude I have for all Christ has done–well, I just can’t find the words to portray. I simply end with–God is so AMAZING!

When I was young and came up against a mechanical problem with a vehicle I would get rid of the vehicle. I would use the problem as my sign to replace it. I am not the mechanic my dad was or many of my brothers are. These kind of issues tend to give me much stress. So, today is one of those days. My pickup is losing engine oil which only started recently. It is almost 25 years old so having an issue shouldn’t be anything new. My appointment to determine fixing it or….. is in just over an hour. So, am I anxious? Yes. Have I surrendered it? Yes. Am I still anxious? Yes. Journaling it here as I’ve already done in my earlier journaling helps me see wasted energy in anxiety. I can smile and see why God’s Word tells us to not be anxious.

Philippians 4:6-7 tells us, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasss all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” So I’ve now taken these steps. It is “funny” to me that all of the anxiety and stress that ones come to me with in counseling sessions are easy to surrender and trust God to take care of them. Yet, a mechanical problem like this wants to overwhelm me.

Thanks for being my morning counselors along with God’s Word. I am much more at peace trusting my pickup to God’s care!

I’m in the process of reading through the Psalms. In years past I never enjoyed reading them except for a few of the chapters. It seemed all David and the other writers did was complain or plea to God for help with some crisis in their lives. People would say how much they loved reading them and I’d just wonder why?

Now that I am reading these same chapters, I cherish each one of them. The difference–I’m awake to my own emotions instead of burying them so I’d never feel. I use to think David might have been a good leader but he sure was a wimp when it came to feeling sorry for himself. Now I realize just how genuine he was and how ingenuine I had been.

The other awakening for me is just how emotional God is. These Psalms cry out to God and He responds to them. There are no fact lines or research findings, they tell the heart of the writers just like David expressed so well in all of the ones he wrote. God wants to know our heart and emotions. He created us this way and only now do I respect this instead of hiding it.

Our heart and emotions do not make us weak, they make us complete. I never want to carry the burden of hidden emotions again. Yes, I need to always be cautious where they are shared, but hiding them as though they do not exist is the real error.

Today was to be swimming pool readiness day, BUT it is raining. I have 3 grandsons coming to help so maybe postponing for another day is the right thing to do!

There is something developing from this counseling work which I would never have expected–friendships. Last Saturday was our men’s breakfast at church. I haven’t gone to them for several months due to counseling during that time. Because I was giving a brief talk I had cancelled our session and the men were invited to attend the breakfast. In going to it I had several guys come and hug or shake hands who have been clients. Most of them have been clients and are no longer coming. Yet, what was awakening to me was the deep connection I felt with each case.

I have never been someone who sought friendship. I like doing things and accomplishing things so for me friendships develop from doing things with others. It isn’t until I experience something like last Saturday that I realize the relationships which had developed.

Much of my life I tried to be “good enough” to be someone’s friend only to now understand the flaw in that. Relationships build most from who we are and maybe helped by what we do. I had thought what I did was the critical factor for who I was needed to be hidden or else I’d be shunned. Not only has this awakening been true for relationships with men, but also with God and Christ Jesus. God and Jesus wanted me to understand that “being” is critical (for God knit me in my mother’s womb) and then “doing” will follow. Now at this point, the doing has the right motivation–it comes from God’s nudges rather than our emotional needs.

Today is one of those cool, relaxing ones where I just want to reflect and thank Jesus for His faithfulness, love, grace, mercy and endless forgiveness. Yes, I know there are the things I need to do this day and to do in preparation for the days ahead. But, for this moment, I am simply reflecting and rejoicing in Christ’s love. Join me, if you will, for this moment is for you and me.

Has the thought ever come to you that we are too caught up in “what we do” rather than “who we are”? The two are both important, but I all too often get too caught up in what I’m doing and forget to see if I am ready to be doing it. I can easily jump way ahead of God’s timeline and then it is no longer God’s Work I’m doing. I’m out there on my own thinking I’m doing God’s Work.

I write this due to this latest learning God is teaching me. One of the small groups I have is asked to give a brief talk this morning at our church’s men’s breakfast. The talk is to acquaint men to the curriculum we’re using which is Every Man A Warrior. My role in this is simply to introduce the ones talking about how the material has helped them. I have been pondering just what God would want me to say in doing this? As I began journaling this morning I asked God to let me know His message I’m to give. Well, as only God does, He showed me His message. My devotional message was all about God’s adequacy–not ours. Then my scripture reading was Psalms 51 which David wrote subsequent to the prophet Nathan confronting him due to his affair with Bathsheba.

As I finished the journaling, the devotional and the scripture reading, the message came. God wants us to be equipped to do the work He gives to us. But, the work is to be motivated by His nudge to us, not just because we see a need and “know we can fix it”. When we are working for Jesus, He is the One whose Light is shown. We do this when “who we are” is in that close relationship with God just as I’d written yesterday about Mother Teresa.

This curriculum is helping us to have the skills God wants us to use, but most importantly, building the relationship with God to know when those skills show Him in their use, not us.