Last night someone very important to me came over and shared a heavy burden with me–one that I’ve personally known well. This morning as I began my devotional time I had started the worship music but it did not easily awaken my spirit to God’s Holy Spirit. My mind kept running through all that today needed to accomplish. I had just journaled this struggle with Jesus when I heard His voice say to simply make a list so I could then release this. I did just that, grabbed a notepad and wrote all that I wanted to get done today and the burden left. I then could allow my spirit to easily surrender to The Holy Spirit.
As I journaled more I saw in my mind the ugly battle of God’s Holy Spirit standing before the person of last night’s conversation, defending them from the evil spirit wanting to take control. I began to see once again the Power of God’s Holy Spirit at work in our deepest woes. He is Mighty to Save and will do just that as we let our sorrows be turned over to Him.
Today is also the first anniversary of my good friend’s wife passing. I am accompanying him and one other couple to her gravesite at noon today. I had this friend over for dinner last Friday evening and we talked at length about his future and his purpose that seems lost. God’s Light was beginning to shine into this darkness for him as we talked. Today I pray God’s Light into the darkness of death allowing vision to return and celebration to be restored for a couple’s life well lived for Jesus Christ. Along with this I pray for Jesus to restore purpose for this man’s life to continue living for Jesus with vision and passion.
Worship is a powerful tool that I believe is so under used and understood. I am only beginning to see the critical importance of it. I’ve always loved worship music and worship time during a church service, However, having daily worship incorporated into my devotional time has taught me about “spirit” I never had thought. I use the word “thought” because I have always done my devotional time through my mind which is always thought about connected to flesh. It controls my body’s functions and it also mostly controls my actions. So, as I’ve added worship to my devotional time, I now am beginning to find what it is like to have this time controlled by Spirit which is eternal and is so much more powerful than my mind. When spirit takes control of this time my mind relaxes and releases the concerns it has. My whole body just relaxes and I find rejoicing so easy because I just want to rejoice instead of being anxious over anything. One other thing is that the messages for the day become clearer.
God’s Holy Spirit and our own spirit have always seemed mysterious to me even though I knew beyond any shadow of doubt that they were real. In spite of this knowing, I’ve relied on my mind to understand as best I could. Well, understanding Spirit is far more about what scripture has always taught us to do–TRUST, have FAITH, BELIEVE. This is spiritual language and today this language is growing for me!
There is nothing like meeting with your prayer warrior to find the focus on Christ one wants to always have right in front of him. And, most importantly, right within him. Lois, my prayer warrior is 93 years old and is such a saint of God. She needed a roll of stamps so I said I’d get them for her yesterday. She doesn’t drive any longer but she sends out an abundance of self-made inspirational cards to scores of people she still encourages. She says I encourage her, but there is nothing like the love I sense as we meet every couple of weeks. Her love and commitment to pray for those names I give to her, including myself, is simply divine.
God wants His Son Jesus to be the focal point of living each day while we are here on His earth. Helping others to find Jesus in their turmoil is an incredible opportunity. Lois is the person God gave to me helping me to not only find God, but keep Him in the center of my living life each and every day. How I thank God my Father for giving her to me. I call her my second mom and she says I’m her son. That makes me tear up, just writing this. GOD IS SO GOOD!
Yesterday I wrote in this blog about living in freedom. One of the realities of this I never expected was seeing sin as something one could turn away from. Give it back to the accuser who wants us to act on it. The sins of abuse to a child embed themselves in the very soul of the child making them believe huge lies about themselves. In these beliefs the victim comes to think the sin IS himself/herself. One cannot give away/deny a sin that you are. Otherwise the only way to get rid of the sin would be to destroy oneself. As much as I had wanted to do this, I knew I couldn’t. So, I asked Jesus nightly to take my life while I slept so I wouldn’t have to feel the pain of death along with the pain already inside me.
Last night a young man in his twenties came for the first time to our Celebrate Recovery. He came at the start of the dinner hour so I had some time to talk with him. In asking what brought him to our group I heard my own story being told to me by this young man. He had been raped and abused as a child by the son of his church’s worship pastor. This secret was kept within him until just a few years ago when he finally told the pastor and reported it to the police where no action was taken at any point. He then more recently had a nervous breakdown. Last night he told all of this to me.
This morning as I journaled I just couldn’t get this young man off my mind. God reminded me of His healing love and grace I found and that I was 58 when I came to CR. This young man is 28. He has many years of the opportunity for “living in freedom” I didn’t have because I kept mine in secret much longer. I pray HOPE was seen last night for recovery begins when a glimmer of LIGHT called HOPE enters the picture!
Over the years of writing this blog I have addressed where my book ends, Finding Freedom and eventually finding within me the assurance that I can now Live in Freedom. When I was young and living through the years of abuse, I lived in a world that only existed in my mind. This world was one where I had only good and I was doing only good. As I thought I’d stepped into this world of fantasy by entering college and was no longer home. I had thought the bondage of abuse would end. Little did I understand how the abuse would only change from physical, sexual and verbal abuse to the haunting abuse of Satan’s deceptions in my mind and emotions. It turned into beliefs. After graduation from college and marrying, I thought this would be the start of the freedom I sought to find, only to realize there was now even more bondage. Finally, I concluded God just didn’t love me as scripture said when this marriage ended. I had tried so hard and for what?
The amazing lessons God has taught me from my twenties to now my seventies have been incredible. Living in freedom has always been accessible. I somehow needed to learn that hiding in secret was not the answer. It fed the belief I was of no value to God. Living in freedom doesn’t remove temptations, the thoughts of shame and so much more. It gives me permission to talk about it and help others to do the same. No one needs to live in hiding as I did. Helping others step out and begin to see that the sun is shining outside the closet of shame/guilt/fear/anxiety…. is a beautiful part of living in freedom.
The Shining Son one finds outside of this prison (closet) is not the sun that scorches you and burns your skin. It is the Son who heals and restores you to Himself. I speak all of this first hand for this Son, Jesus Christ, IS the GREAT HEALER if we will only take the step of telling.
God isn’t done with His awakening for me. This morning was another one of them. As I began to journal I was lamenting the struggles of late and the lessons attached to the struggles. I even asked Jesus when these struggles would finally cease? I was utterly amazed at His response, mainly because I wasn’t really expecting one. He said, “When you decide to praise Me when temptations/struggles hit, you will see the glory of My Work. Let your temptations be a reminder to PRAISE ME instead of a torment to run from. Satan wants to use these tempting moments to confuse you, shame you. You are learning that in worship of Me Satan has no place to reside. He sees Me instead of you. So, use these times, all struggling times as a reminder to PRAISE ME. Praising Me shows your complete TRUST in ME. This is what God your Father has been working to teach you.” Today you get it!
I wept! As I began to read my bible I was reading in the last chapter of II Timothy where Paul was encouraging Timothy. He told him to never give up the fight and to Preach the Word. Others would turn away, but keep himself focused on the goal–the final goal. How I Praise and Thank God for never giving up on me. Only GOD could ever take a past and turn it into a time of Praise and Worship! And of all things–use it to His Honor and Glory!
As I stepped into the lesson yesterday morning in the Every Man a Pure Warrior, I found myself completely overwhelmed with the content. This lesson bought me face to face with the ugliest part of all my past. It was about “my identity”. Those aren’t the words within the lesson, but they are my words describing it. The lesson’s focus was addressing wounds and triggers we face today. My longest living wound was what the abuse of my childhood left me believing about myself. I had to hide the fact that men were attracted to me, I must have female characteristics which men sexually desire, etc. This was all hugely reinforced in my high school years when dad would call me Hazel. Hazel was a TV program in the 60’s and she was a housemaid. This would make others laugh, but for me, it labeled me and made me think it was my identity to others. I could never let this be seen.
The temptations I was facing yesterday morning were driven I know by the devil knowing I would be doing this lesson. So, this morning I was up quite early and journaled for over an hour going back to the root of all this identity struggle. I was able to write it out and replace it with what I now know is the truth of my identity. The more I wrote, the more freedom I found. These lies are buried at the Cross. Satan was wanting me to question God’s healing in this arena which yesterday I was doing. This morning the questions were all answered with God’s truth in scripture. I am fearfully and wonderfully made and I can know this full well. Psalms 139:14. God brought this clarity into focus this morning and I tearfully PRAISE HIM for this!
There is a huge lesson here for each of us who struggle with who we are, our value to God and man. Don’t let Satan have another day haunting you with his lies. God has a healing waiting for you in this arena!
This morning as I awoke I began to be tempted with some old temptations I had hoped would be gone for good. Old lies began to surface in my mind wanting me to feel helpless and unable to withstand the temptations or to believe what I have been helping others to believe for themselves.
As I started my devotions I got the worship music playing in the background and began to journal confessing these temptations. I wrote a little more regarding some other things on my mind and then did what I daily do–asked Jesus what He wanted me to know for today? He instantly told me to do just exactly what I tell others to do–follow the plan: worship, warfare praying, confess wounds/triggers, amputate, quote scripture, contact my sponsor and pray. As I took each of these steps the temptations faded and then disappeared. Instead of panicking and letting my mind run rampant as I’ve so often done in my past, I listened and obeyed.
As I finished my journaling Jesus reminded me of something I tell others, “It is one thing to know, it is a completely different thing to experience.” Knowing something can be easily sat aside because one can simply say that this doesn’t apply to me. When one has experienced what one knows, it becomes real for them. Following through on “the plan” this morning was an experiential moment. It is real and I thank God for His Grace and Mercy. How I love HIM!
The majesty of God is so overwhelmingly wonderful, I can never begin to wrap my mind around its fullness. I write a blog as in yesterday and then in so doing I see a flicker of God’s Light shine through reminding me that “He has this”. Trusting and obeying is my reminder once again.
As my journey continues I get to watch God transform the lives of ones in my own family as well as those in my spiritual family. I am most amazed and humbled to see Him doing this for me. He loves His children equally and so often I am reminded to “let Him do this–love me”. I spent a lifetime trying to earn a love that was never to be earned, but accepted. It is a joyous reality to enter into the world of “accepted love” from God our Father.
This morning I am overcome with the sadness of decisions. I went to the courthouse in Boise early yesterday morning to be present for a relative who was being sentenced. It was grievous to see her daughter listen and weep as the judge outlined the sentencing. As I returned home I listened to a client tell of her story of childhood sexual abuse and later rape from a friend. I was then called by a client who needed to talk about his forthcoming divorce and wife’s affairs.
As I was reading my devotional and scriptures the emphasis seemed to be on weighing carefully the decisions we make and the placement of God in them. Where is God when we need protection from someone, when we are at risk and helpless, when someone we love is seemingly out of control, when we promise to do better but that doesn’t matter at the moment?
As I write this I know full well that God is sovereign. I cannot know all that He knows and that is where Faith/Trust comes into play–fully into play. Over the years I’ve struggled so deeply with the above questions and even more of them. Yet, in time, I’ve experienced the overwhelming love finding freedom of past decision’s bondage where the devil’s evil had the stronghold. Helping someone let go of what is not theirs and taking steps where they ought is truly a “one day at a time” assignment. God gave Himself the name I AM and where I AM is found is always today. Lets find God Today and let go of what is not in today. Trust that tomorrow He will be in it as He is in today.
Earnie Lewis 