It’s difficult to write this morning. I feel as though this blog is turning into my needs. As I write this however, I instantly recognize that our journeys have times like this so I will just be honest. I never knew how much my brother means to me until this grave news has hit regarding their son. I had offered to put this prayer need out to our church congregation and yesterday they asked if I would do it. This is now done and I went to meet with my prayer warrior Lois yesterday afternoon so she too could be praying. She knows my brother quite well. She reminded me of heaven’s magnificence and freedom from this earth’s sinful pain.

Last night my oldest grandson who is here until Wednesday invited Kathy and I to go to the court house tomorrow morning to witness his wedding. He and his girlfriend decided to wed now and do a ceremony when it fits his airforce schedule. This was somewhat of a surprize but it does make sense when you know what his next year’s schedule looks like. They have been together for most of 3 years and they want to make the best of her being with him as much as possible. They want to honor God with their decisions. They are 26 and 27 so they have thought this through.

It’s difficult to process the pain my nephew is experiencing and the joy of my grandson in the same timeframe. My own emotions don’t know what to do with this. I’m just going to do whatever my part needs to be and thank God He is everyone’s anchor for they all know Him.

In a lifetime one experiences a great deal. It is always nice to focus on the fruitful and joyful ones for they always make one smile and one’s heart is full. I must say that I am struggling to be there this moment in time. I’ve lost many family members in my lifetime. All of the ones before me in generations are now gone except my one aunt in California who is expected to not live through this year. I’ve also lost many of my own generation. My nephew’s news is regarding a generation below me and I am very close to him and this brother of mine. I can’t seem to wrap my mind around this news. All that one knows falls to the wayside when the news is what it presently is. Mustering faith, trust, belief, hope are the only thing one can grab ahold of and even these seem so fragile as I write this. I want to support my family in crisis but all I can seem to do is hold back tears of grief for them as best I can.

The journey does continue and I know there are these times in our lives. We are in one of them presently and it won’t be going away unless God sees fit to provide a life-changing miracle. I will praise Him and honor Him for He is worthy of this regardless. Oh how I wish….!

I wrote a few days ago about my nephew having a brain tumor. He found out yesterday afternoon that it is malignant and is a very aggressive type. In fact, from man’s point of view, there is little, if any, hope. Hope in man’s terms is a 4-letter word. In God’s Spiritual world it is an anchor of His Promises to us. Matt, my nephew, knows about eternal life and so do his sis, dad and mom as well as his wife. Yet, we hope that there is a healing that will bring victory over death here on earth. This is truly in God’s Hands and our TRUST will remain in Him. Please pray with us!

Last night’s lesson for Celebrate Recovery was ADMIT. There were a couple of great reminders in this lesson I don’t ever want to forget. One is the importance of admitting our struggle/habit/fear/anxiety/whatever is troubling us. The other is admitting to the right person. One of the guys in share group spoke of his admitting his struggle to the “wrong group” in his 20’s and he was severely judged and the struggle was thrown repeatedly in his face. It was when he came to CR a decade later that he found the “right people” to admit to. Here he finds no judgment and instead, he finds support. This has been SO TRUE for myself.

It is sad how much bondage we let ourselves live with throughout our lives so we won’t be judged only to find how much freedom there is when we finally admit and it is with the right person. Call that person a friend, sponsor, ally, warrior, it doesn’t matter. What is important is that we have someone we can admit to. James 5:16 tells us that admitting to a righteous man and we will be healed. That has been so true!

This morning as I began to write in my new journal I did what I’m suppose to do and that is to take the one just finished and read entries from the beginning. The reason for this is to see where I was at that point in time with my journey. Have I grown with evidence? Am I stuck in any area because I’m still journaling about it? What am I praising God about and am I still in victory? These are just some of the things I look for. As I did this I found that selfishness shows up periodically. I write about the action I took but I don’t identify it as selfishness. As I was reading these entries God seemed to speak to me about my need to surrender my selfishness so I can confess the underlying root to some actions. As I did this and wrote for the first time in the new journal, I surrendered this selfishness asking Jesus to be my one and only selfishness.

After journaling I read my devotional. It’s message really touched me. Its message was regarding giving thanks for our struggles. It brought to my attention what Christ did with His struggles: He gave them to God knowing they were for a greater reason–you and me. God wants us to see our struggles as having a greater reason. If we can praise Him in our struggles we show Christ to those who watch us. I love this. God never wastes a hurt if we will just turn it over to Him and let Him use it for His Own Honor and Glory!

Moving from knowing something to believing it is huge. I have known and heard over and over that God will use all things to His honor and glory. Scripture doesn’t say that He causes all things, but that He will use them. In my earlier years I couldn’t do anything with this because I couldn’t let myself go the place where God might USE my past. I had too much to risk I thought. Yet, God just never stopped nudging me to take the risk.

Last night at choir practice I had a board member who sings in the choir come to me. I had recently written a semi-annual board report on our counseling ministry. This board member was pleased, but also thought I was doing too much and she didn’t want me to burn out. All I could tell her is that the honor of using one’s past for God’s glory never seems to squelch energy. In fact, it does quite the opposite.

I do know my limits pretty well. I can tell when enough is enough. God’s Spirit guides in this arena too. There is just never a moment when gratitude for God’s miracle of taking what one knows and turning it into genuine BELIEF isn’t energizing. It does the opposite of burn-out. I truly believe that burn-out is when man is doing man’s wants rather than God’s wants. God is just too GOOD!

As I began to journal this morning I was prompted to list the blessings God has provided for me. All of a sudden I was flooded with so many! The list started with Kathy and went to our kids and grandkids as well as a great-grandchild on its way! It went from there to my siblings and Kathy’s siblings and then to our home and gardens, church and ministries (Celebrate Recovery and counseling); then there is the quartet and church choir and so many friends. I needed to take a moment of thanksgiving for all of this!

Today is a big gardening day but I’m taking time at noon to have lunch with a very close friend. He has had his times of grief but this isn’t the real reason I set this up. He is a friend with the most understanding heart. I know his story and he knows mine. I just want to keep these connections alive and healthy. God prompted me last night to reach out and so today is the day for this.

I stand in AWE of our Heavenly Father! This song is playing in the background as I write. It just makes me smile all over!

Every year on this day I think I write this message–Thank You God for my sis Bonnie. She is the one I grew up with just older than me. She was and has always been my cheerleader. She was unaware of my brother’s abuse as we grew up, but throughout our childhood and adult years, she has been the one who always said, “You can do this” and “You make me so proud”. I never gave these two lines any credible attention at the time because I knew she was “just saying that”. Today, however, as I write this, I can hardly thank her enough for without her I doubt I would be writing this today.

46 years ago when I was finishing my first year of life following my divorce, all I wanted to do was to go to California and see Bonnie. Somehow, I knew I needed to just be with her. (I did do just that too). As we talk today she tells me this same message for she is the one who has had the series of strokes and is unable to live life on her own.

God takes care of us in so many ways that I so often overlook. It is so good to take a moment and reflect on His Goodness. How fortunate we are and I am!

I have two brothers who live close. Both are retired plumbers. The one is just younger than me and he has been a lifesaver for me so many times I have lost count. Our daughter who lives in a house we own called to say the water heater was leaking from the bottom in the garage. My brother and I went over yesterday once I finished the two morning appointments. I had no idea what replacing a water heater entailed. 6 hours later we had the new one installed. When I checked out what having a plumbing shop do this it would have cost me over $2,000.00. All I paid was the cost of the replacement and taking him and his wife to dinner last night (well, along with a lunch I bought him earlier). I don’t have the skills these two brothers have and I feel blessed that they are so willing to help!

God is so good in so many ways!! I have so much to give Him thanks for.