Have you ever thought through why we hold our problems in instead of letting them be known so we can have help? Our Celebrate Recovery lesson last night was AMENDS. The author of the material makes AMENDS an acrostic. The first letter–A stands for admit your hurts and harm. For some reason last night (even though I’ve heard this lesson no less than 18 times and taught it in step studies at least that many also) I was hit with the “harm” part.

As I began Celebrate Recovery 18 years ago with the help of 6 others, I began to address the hurt of my past. After a year I started the 3.5 years of counseling as well as attending CR. I fully addressed the hurts of my past. I also stepped into the harm with the help of the counselor, but I didn’t fully resolve them. The one “character defect”–harm, I was left with is having gay thoughts. I’ve never acted on them but they do cross my mind. Having these has always made me feel as though I’m like my brother even though I know better. It has been an entry point for evil’s attacks on my identity and value.

I’ve talked about this a few times and even written about it. Last night’s lesson brought home the reality that it is one thing to confess this, it is another thing to bring it before God’s Light so I can be OK with it. We all have these “character defects” in our beliefs we must deal with. Well, this one is mine. My counselor, years back, even asked me in one session if I thought it made me “less than” others? Of course I did! It made me like my brother I said. However, he acted on it for years with me and I’ve never acted on it with anyone. We share a temptation and that’s it.

Today I thank God for helping me see HIs Light in this struggle I’ve dealt with for SO LONG. I can praise God for being so faithful in helping me to never succumb to this. What a blessed God we get to serve!