Today I am nudged to add a post to my journey’s blog. I went to bed last night discouraged and asked Jesus to help me understand what is behind it. There have been times of disappointment in my life, but this present sadness wanted to linger. Quite early this morning I awoke to hearing a message. This is what I want to pass along to any reader:

Two weeks ago last Sunday I received a phone message from a gal who use to live here. She and her husband were part of our Celebrate Recovery. She had found recovery and over time her husband did too. They were deeply involved in the leadership and helped many people throughout their time with us. They moved away to be closer to their own two kids who were married and one had their first grandchild. The husband, being back in his old turf, had returned over time to his old addictive habits. He was now living alone having been asked to leave and to find sobriety. This is what I heard from the phone call. I reached out to him and got one long text from him. We set a time for a phone call which never took place. He just wouldn’t answer. This man had become a dear friend and I didn’t want to give up on what I “knew” God wanted me to do. After two weeks it became obvious my plan wasn’t going to materialize. I was so sad “knowing it was the path to this man’s restoration”.

As I awoke this morning, I heard Jesus voice telling me to let Him take this. I had quickly taken the plan and made it my purpose. I didn’t intend to overstep my bounds, but I do get overly eager when things like this occur. I know God’s timing is often not mine and I also know to let Him have His way. (I was overly wanting my way for this). As I journaled this morning I needed to confess and regroup. My trust is restored and regrounded in Christ alone. Satan tried to take this disappointment and tie it to all the disappointing times of my earlier years when my trust was almost gone. Well, he is once again the deceiver and Christ is Victorious!

I have not written much for the past several days but that doesn’t mean anything other than I’ve not written. God has been very busy in my life and it all came to a head this morning during my devotional time. Two key things have happened of late for me. The podcast I posted a few days ago is one and the other is turning over the leadership of our counseling ministry to a new member of our team. Both of these things are being done because I knew God was leading me to do so. However, I have been in knots from doing this for whatever reason. Kathy asked me the other day why I’d been so quiet for a couple of weeks? I didn’t even know I was so quiet.

As I began my journaling this morning I thanked Jesus for this day and took time to surrender the day to Him and His Holy Spirit in me. The counseling team has a meeting this afternoon with the media man for our church. He is interviewing us in order to promote the ministry later in the month on a Sunday morning. It is the last “leadership” detail I’ll do. Yesterday the gentleman taking over the lead was set up to receive intakes, etc. Today I’ll be removed from those details.

As I journaled this morning I told Jesus that my little self was feeling like his last important detail to man is gone. It doesn’t matter that I still have 26 counseling sessions each week. It was the leadership that “made him important–needed”. That was his attempt to be valuable. In journaling this I was nudged to do what I haven’t done in a few years. I put my pen in my non-dominate hand and let my other half speak to me. (This therapy technique goes back to my personal counseling days). He wrote: Earnie, am I ok with you? Do I need to lead for you to like me? I am you. Can you be ok knowing you are now a participant only? Leadership gave you a value to man–not so to God. He loves who he created in the first place. Your (our) spirit has been severely troubled because of all this. Now that this is out in the open, lets let it go and be happy with God being who He created us to be so long ago.

As all of this came out into the open I was flooded with relief and like a cleansing. I wept for many minutes. For the first time I felt like I truly am ok and that God is ok with me. My spirit is healed and no longer troubled. My dad use to tell me he needed to kill that spirit of mine. I never understood that statement, but this morning my spirit is restored and at peace! Thank you Father God, Jesus and Holy Spirit!

These past several weeks have been emotionally draining for me in a manner for which I had no idea. During these weeks we have added two new counselors to our team. One of these will be taking over my role as the head of the ministry. I’d asked for this a few months ago so I could just focus on those I counsel. I felt as though God was nudging for this. This new director will start in October. Along with this our quartet has been quite active and I’ve shared my story several times. Monday was the podcast interview which took almost two hours (I had no idea how emotionally draining this would be.) Company has been with us for the past week and just yesterday early morning I took the last of the company to the airport. Along with this, Kathy left yesterday for Joseph OR to be with her sis until Sunday. The day was spent in counseling sessions for me.

As I got up this morning to a very quiet house I felt as though I’d been hit by an emotional freight train. I was drained! As I began my devotional time I started journaling telling Jesus just how drained I felt. That took a couple of pages in the journal. Then, I asked my daily question asking what Jesus wanted me to know from Him for today? It was then I wrote what I heard–the voice said, “Son, this isn’t Jesus today but His Father, your Heavenly Father. I am here to fill your ‘spirit tank’. In the next several minutes that was just what He did too!

There is nothing like a moment with God Himself to restore and focus one’s priorities. I wanted selfishness for a moment and He wanted selflessness so He could restore what flesh never does. How I love this precious TEAM–Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit!