This morning as I wrote today’s date I realized it is the anniversary of my first marriage.  Today, it would have been 44 years.  However, that is all in the past.  I started to lament a moment and then I was quickly reminded by my Heavenly Father that my life has moved on and I should too.  My scripture reading in Proverbs had stated that praise and thanksgiving are due to God our Father.  My lamenting didn’t include any praise and it would have taken me down a path that led once again to guilt and shame which I now recognize as Satan’s tools in moments like this and not God’s.  I thank God ever so much for His abundant mercy and patience over these years.  It has been 37 years since that divorce and I am a new creation today–thank you Father.

Last night was our weekly step study.  The lesson was about the purposes of daily journaling in order to recognize the good and bad of a day and to make quick amends when things were pointed out as bad.  We were to respond to  a question about what a particular verse meant to us and how it can help us.  The verse is Mark 14:38:  “Watch with me and pray lest the Tempter overpower you.  For though the spirit is willing enough, the body is weak.”  My response to this verse has always been that this verse is a nemesis to me.  I have never been good at knowing the power of God during intense temptation.  This question was followed by the next question which is:  “What is your daily action plan for Step 10?”  It was here that I told the group about my recent journaling to God the Father rather than to Jesus His Son.  I opened up regarding how much God was showing me about His desire to have the intimacy with me I longed for.  Also, that the power to address the temptation in Mark 14: 38 was tied to this Almighty God that I avoided due to so many character defects in thinking about who I thought I was to God relating to what I’ve said earlier about God and dad.  I was feeling rather stupid and vulnerable telling all this to the guys.  What I wasn’t expecting was their outburst of recognition from their own relationships with Him.  Almost everyone began to open up about this.  One guy just broke down and left for the restroom to gain his composure.  I know his story and it is truly painful.  This Almighty God of ours is breaking down walls and destroying the chains that bind.  How grateful I am for this! He assures me that His Power is the one true power which overcomes the power to the tempter.  I’m anchoring into this.

God is Almighty, yet He is as intimate as the most loving Dad and Mom.  How can this be?  I am beginning to hear God say that only in man’s thinking is this a problem.  In His Spiritual world it is a given.  In our spiritual realm it is simply known.  I certainly don’t have a good handle on this yet, but I’m so glad to be awakening more and more to this it.  I’m also loving the journaling to Him.  Hearing His voice is humbling and (I’m trying to find a word here).  Hearing God’s message as I journal with Him is somewhat like a stark reality.  Let me give today’s example.

Last early evening I went to the juvenile correctional center in Nampa where I had spoken a couple weeks ago to 35 teenagers incarcerated there.  I was asked by one of the teens to talk with him so last night was that chance.  He asked me some startling questions, one was:  “When do you know God was taking you away?”  I asked what he meant by that.  He said he wondered when I felt God pulling me out of the sin.  I was able to only tell him that I had learned enough by being the 10th child to not go into the sin my older siblings had.  Other than that, I didn’t know until my more current years that God was taking me away.  I’m learning that being taken away from sin is started by not entering into it.  I did tell him that choice is the ugliest and kindest gift God gave us as humans.  When we fall into the choices of man in sinfulness it becomes the ugliest bondage there is.  Yet, God gave us the chance to choose Him and find loving kindness.  I had to also learn that the sin of my brother and dad was not mine–it was there’s.  He acknowledged all of this.

I left the center having prayed for this teen and talked briefly to the chaplain completing the paperwork necessary.  My mind was filled with the bondage children are given when man abuses rather than protects them.  I asked God this morning while journaling about this.  His Words were:  “You’re right Earnie–this is ugly and confusing.  You see hellish things done to you and your senses, your body by the very ones who should protect you.  You are right in wondering about this.  It is sin, Earnie–it is sin.  There is no freedom in sin–it is bondage.”  I then asked God where a child’s freedom is found?  His response was, “I’m sorry Earnie.  It is not there as you would like it to be.  It is there for you in choice as you can begin to choose for yourself.  These are hard realities but I use ones like you to show these kids of today who are hurt and abused that they can find a different path.”  He then asked me to join Him in this and of course, I told him yes.

This journey has hard realities in it.  For the first time I am seeing God within the picture rather than picking up the pieces afterwards.  This teen asked me last night why the people in our churches don’t reach out and help when they know these things are happening?  We did talk about this, but the reality we agreed upon is that almost all people are scared to death of this and don’t have a clue what to say or do when they find this out.

Well, today’s entry is a stark one (as I stated when I started it) but it is exactly what God wanted me to know and write.  I’m waking up and going to stay in this arena for a while.  God has an assignment here that may last the rest of my earthly life.

I am so amazed right now.  As I have begun to realize God my Father, I’m also realizing God my Dad.  I am also beginning to realize God the Almighty.  There are so many awakening moments that have begun to happen.

This morning I was asking God if He  would mind sharing with me what He wants me to know from Him.  He asked me if I see Him, if I hear Him, if I feel Him?  I said yes to all of these.  He then said that this is me responding to spiritual guidance.  God is Spirit and He wanted me to know I am equipped to know Him and His leadership in my life.  The human dominance of man’s thinking and feeling has overpowered this spiritual influence all these years.  God is awakening in me the very gift He has given me and each one of us upon creation.  He also pointed out something that really hit home.  He said that when His Spirit provides insight/wisdom, it is still to fit in His timetable.  Man (I) want to immediately think insight is for me and my timetable right now.  He told me that His insights fit His timetable and I am to trust and obey Him in completing it.  Trusting and obeying are human ways to respond to His spiritual leadership in my life.

This was some amazing and humbling to hear this morning.  I have many projects and people on my mind that I want to “help”.  God was kindly and directly pointing out that He is in control of them, not me.  I can be His helper if I remain in His timetable and not try to manipulate things into a man-made one.  I do want to fit into God’s very leadership in my life and live each day in its fullness.

There is one more thing I want to add here before I end today’s blog–I’ve been journaling for many years now.  I’ve tried journaling to God in times past, but felt I got no where.  Now I can see why I didn’t.  The GOD I was trying to communicate with was the one I was trying to please and earn significance.  GOD has loved me from the start just as He has loved each one of us.  I think that is my greatest awakening for the moment.  I do want to serve HIM well.

We are home, the Celebrate Recovery Summit couldn’t have been finer and our team attending it has a lengthy and aggressive plan for moving forward.  For all of this I am most grateful.  On a very personal note, however, I am most touched and humbled this morning as I write to you about the growth I’m finding in my relationship with God my Father.  As I write this I feel rather silly, but all that I write is most current and real.  This morning’s devotional said, “Within the heart of every man and woman there is a place that only God can fill.  We may try to satisfy our longings with different things; but until we come to a point of full surrender to Him, we will remain vulnerable to fearful thoughts, feelings of discontentment, and selfish desires, as well as pride and lust.”  It then goes on to say this:  “But when you fellowship with God, He….”  This is the part that hit me between the eyes–“when we fellowship with God, He”.

I’ve heard all my life how God created man to fellowship with us, I just didn’t realize He actually wanted to fellowship with me.  How hard I tried to earn the “fellowshiping” right with my dad but never made it.  I see so plainly now how this transferred to my belief about God my Father.  All this time I’ve been blinded to the truth about God’s desire to actually fellowship with me.  God gave us Jesus to show us what fellowship is like between Him and His Son but not to replace His fellowship with each of us.  For the first time I feel I now have access to the complete Triune God.  The devotional ended with this:  “Friend, the only relationship that can fill your longings, sustain you through difficulties, and bring you peace is the relationship you have with God.  Don’t hold Him back in any way.”  I want to take full opportunity to keep this in place from this day forward.

The Summit also left me with a keener interest in promoting the need to awaken the passion of the church to the hurting people silently sitting each Sunday in the chairs/pews.  Our church needs to be the same safe place people say they find at Celebrate Recovery.  The masks need to be removed for the sake of each one wearing them and for the person desperately needing to be reached out to.  I sense God asking me to speak this more boldly.

Tonight ends the Celebrate Recovery Summit.  It was a most remarkable experience.  I knew well what to expect, but no one can ever anticipate just how much God is going to move in a celebration experience like this.  There are no words to describe such a glorious experience.  I’m sure it is one of those moments which will resemble in part what the start of heaven will be–glorious, unending praise.

I won’t take much time to share tonight as we are leaving in the am for the airport at 5:30  so I’m soon headed to bed.  I just want to share a phrase I heard today that is worth keeping in the forefront of our thinking and actions.  In Celebrate Recovery we are taught and accountable to stay in touch with others who support us and for whom we support.  The phrase today was “call before you fall”.  No matter what we struggle with, we need to have support to overcome it.  So, before you fall prey to the struggle, call someone.  It is so simple, yet it is so difficult at the moment.  However, once one has experienced the outcome of calling, it is a most remarkable thing to find that after you call, the temptation to submit is gone.  With that–have a good night’s sleep!  I’ll be back on track Sunday morning.

Tonight has ended with the first day of the Celebrate Recovery Annual Summit.  It is the 25th anniversary of this ministry.  I am not going to write a lot but I did have something hit me today that I feel is profound and it relates so well with my own personal journey.  The quote was, “God doesn’t expect us to do the impossible;  He expects to do the impossible through us.”  I’m sure I’ve heard this similarly throughout my adult years, but now that I’m as far on my journey as I am, I truly heard it and it resonated today.  I hope it helps anyone reading it also.  My own strength has failed me so many times in the years gone by.  I’m so grateful to be learning now that it is God’s strength I rely on.  It is only my surrender that he needs along with my yes to whatever He is prompting me to do.

God is so good and so patience.

PS:  I started my journal this morning by writing Father God right off the bat!  I’m making progress.

So, the journaling started again just as it did yesterday.  Old habits do not die easily–even when they are good habits, but ones that need to be adjusted.  Once I’m able to shift into conscious journaling to God my Father, I enjoy it immensely.  I sense His leadership and fellowship within.  It is just the silly start that gets me each time.  I suppose they think this is funny. I will too when I get the shift made.

Today I leave with six others from our church to attend the Celebrate Recovery Summit at Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, California.  It is the 25th anniversary of the ministry.  It has been sold out for over a month so no walk ins this year.  It is a huge event with some additions to the ministry being introduced and some others with meaningful adjustments.  The Delta glitch yesterday brought about a little panic with some since we are all flying with this carrier.  However, by last night we had the boarding passes and it looks good.

I haven’t gone to the summit since 2012.  It was then I was awakened to the fact that my testimony is not mine–but “ours”, God’s and mine.  It is to be the story of God’s redeeming love and mercy changing my life story.  I am the one who puts script to it and reads it as my testimony, but I am not to forget that it is our story.  It was after this summit that I signed the contract with the book publishing company.  It took two more years to get it written, but this is where God did the work to show me I was to obey his leadership in this.  This is also the time when I came face to face with the fact that I have gay thoughts.  That was the last of the hidden secrets I wanted no one to know.  God kept saying that He was the author of my changes and I was to be the teller of our story and His work.  So, I changed my testimony to reflect all of this.  It is amazing to write this and recall the bondage of fear I felt during this adjustment.  It is only of late that I’ve found fuller freedom to share all of this without the shame of the past.  What has brought the freedom in part is finding no judgment when I share this truth about me.  In fact, what I find is that people are so glad to hear someone tell their struggle so they are safer sharing this truth about their self.

I am taking my laptop with me but I don’t know what my mornings will be like so I may not be posting daily until I return on Saturday.  If I miss a day or two, this will be the reason for it. God’s blessings to you.

This habit I’m trying to begin, journaling to God the Father, is right in the middle of its challenge.  Sounds so silly to write this but this morning I began journaling to Jesus and had to scratch it out and replace it with Father God.  I feel like I’m crushing my best friend.  I know that Christ is also behind this.  He doesn’t want to replace the intimacy I’m to have with our Heavenly Father.

There is a person very dear to me that is struggling a great deal right now.  I talked on the phone with him last Saturday morning.  This morning when I was praying for him I was nudged by The Holy Spirit to send a text message to him.  The message was challenging him to thank God for his struggle.  God uses all things to draw us closer to Him and so begin with thanks for this present time.  It was a hard message to send because I too know the difficulty of thanking God for my personal past/current struggles.  It was amazing however, in that within a couple minutes I got a reply thanking me for it.  He said his own devotions this morning were encouraging him to do just what I had text him.  God, he said, was using me to confirm what his own devotions had told him.  That was really nice.

Tomorrow Kathy and I leave with 5 others for the Celebrate Recovery Summit at Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, CA.  It is the 25th anniversary summit/celebration of the ministry.  I am looking forward to it and all the learning we will glean as we move forward with this in our own church/community.  I was asked to pray about starting a Celebrate Recovery in the detention/correctional center where I spoke a week ago.  I do not know what is developed in the way of curriculum for this.  There is a prison ministry already created, but I don’t know if it is utilized with teens.  It will be good to find out.  Please pray that I will know God’s leadership in this as we move forward.  It is easy for me to over commit when it comes to something like this and I don’t want to go beyond what God is wanting me to do.  This is another time when I need to be reminded to “take one day at a time, one moment at a time.”  To God be all Glory!

If you are a Facebook user you know that it sends notices to you that you might want to resend.  Yesterday I received a notice about the message I’d sent a year ago.  It was the message that my book was out and I was letting people know about it in case they would want it.  It was an excellent reminder of how God is continuing His work in me.  A year ago I was a basket case ahead of writing that message.  I spent a couple hours just wrestling with God about doing it at all.  However, He won and I wrote and sent the message.  Yesterday, when the notice came to possible resend it I simply did it knowing it was the right thing to do.  So much of the judgment I felt a year ago or feared a year ago is now gone.  It is funny writing this though as just a few days ago I wrote about my fear of bringing the book back inside the post office for the postmistress.  God isn’t done addressing all this fear but He is certainly relentless in helping me rid myself of it.

This morning I started my journal writing to Jesus yet again.  I had to backup and think God the Father and rewrite.  I know this likely seems silly, but for me it is critically important.  The intimacy God wants to have with me (us) is tied directly to our belief about our value to Him.  In my last couple months with dad before he passed away, I had confronted my past with him only to find that He had loved me and had even admired me.  This was awfully good for me to know but the 50+ years before this had a huge character defect to address.  I now knew this truth but deep within me I didn’t believe it.  This is what God is now showing me by my journaling to Him.  Even my devotional this morning read that God calls us friend.  In Exodus 33:11 He calls Moses friend.  The translation of meaning for friend is “intimate companion”.  I loved reading this because I know this is the present task God is wanting to show me and have me know well.  In my mind I know He wants each of us to know this well.  Mark 12:31 says we are to “love your neighbor as yourself”.  If we are to do this well, we need to know this intimate companionship with God the Father so this will be exactly what we pass along to others.  I’m kind of excited to get further into all of this.

“This is the day the Lord has made, we will rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118:24.  This verse doesn’t tell me to rejoice at the end of the day, but to do so at the beginning of it.  When God has made the day as He has each and everyone of them, I can trust His best for it.  I don’t know if I will ever get to the place where I have this truth fully embedded in my soul–the truth that living each day is all about God and His Ways, not Earnie and my ways.  I know this but my day to day living within the day doesn’t always reflect this.  One of the beautiful things I’m learning on this journey is that the new creation God has made in me allows me to come to Him with my struggles, my sins, my shame and leave it with Him.  I don’t have to carry any longer the depth of shame I use to carry that took me back to the actual sins done to me in the abuse.  Those are no longer mine in my mind.  God has fully taken that away and cleansed me of that defect of thinking.  I’m so grateful for this.

When I met with the man yesterday to give him the book he’d purchased the week before, I told him the story of the lady at the post office and that I had a book I could have given him the week before.  Somehow I needed to tell it so I could get the bondage of these actions out on the table.  I needed to see his response.  He just smiled and assured me that it was OK.

There is one thing I’m loving about journaling each morning to God the Father.  I still end the journaling with the question about what He wants me to know from Him this day.  My heart just melts when I hear His voice say:  “My son….”  I have known this conceptually most of my life.  To know it intimately is so humbly touching I can’t find words to express this gratitude.  I’m needing to stay with this process for quite a while I know and likely for the rest of my life.  He is the One True God and I want no other gods before me.  Praise the Lord.