Last night was our weekly step study meeting.  We are past the lessons preparing participants for doing the inventory (organizing their personal background to identity barriers to health in their lives and causes for it).  The lesson last night was for preparing participants to share their inventory with their sponsor.  It is called “Confession”.  I’ve done these many times in the last 8 years of Celebrate Recovery (8 or 9 times).  The last question for the lesson really spoke to me in an entirely new way this time.

I actually got to the place in town where we house the study and realized I’d brought all the materials except my assignment book where I’d recorded my responses to each question.  I didn’t have time to go back home and get it so I took a new book and just used the questions knowing pretty well what I’d already had for my responses.  God did use my absent-mindedness to His advantage because when I answer these questions from home, I tend to do so from my mind–during the class and being with the others I tend to be far more open to hearing my heart as well as my mind.  The last question had 4 parts.  It read something like:  “After you complete the inventory with your sponsor you will find your life improving.  You’ll find yourself facing truth, having less pain, having less blaming, and you will start accepting God’s forgiveness more readily.  In response to this statement we were to then answer:

• I can be more honest with….
• I can ease my pain by….
• I can stop blaming….
• I can accept God’s forgiveness because of….

It has really only been since I wrote the book that facing the complete truth about the damage of the abuse to me has fully hit home.  The thing I hate the most about it is the lingering gay thoughts.  When I encounter one crossing my mind I instantly sense I’m an abuser.  Taking a step away from this I can say I know that isn’t true.  Yet, all my life I’ve struggled with this.  Last night I was able to say this truth and be fully honest about it.  Amazingly, it eased the pain and I could stop blaming.  I can easily accept God’s forgiveness because a thought going through my head is not a sin.  It is a temptation.  Temptations come from being human. Sin needing forgiveness comes from acting on the temptation.  I haven’t acted on those thoughts.  As I write this I can see what God has been trying to get me to comprehend all along, but not having my “thinking answers” in front of me last night, I was able to give my heart-felt responses which carried the hurt I’ve needed to bring out in honest confession. And, now I’m even writing this in my blog.  God is so faithful!  I truly thank Him for this.

I wrote yesterday’s post out of sheer obedience.  I’ve never been one to say upfront what I sense God is leading me into.  I want to get further down the road and KNOW that the sense I had is actually what God is doing–then I speak about it to others.  So, that being my nature, by the end of yesterday I was thinking thoughts like, “You fool, what were you thinking putting that out in front of anyone who would read it in the blog?”  So, this morning, during devotions, I worked on this again with the Lord.  His message didn’t change in the least.  In fact, after completing the work I’m doing today as part of my consulting work, I felt Him telling me to get my message ready for a church.  He also reminded me that when this is done, don’t try to set the time frame for it to be used.  My time frame is of human standards and His is of eternal standards.  The two have very different readiness factors.  I know me well enough that when I’m done, I expect others connected to the work I’m doing to be ready for it. That’s pretty selfish on my part. However, God is reminding me to get my readiness completed and the doors will open as He has completed the readiness of all involved.  Total surrender to God has many layers I am still learning.

Yesterday and today I’m working on a project at Boise State University with some folks there developing a tool and process for supporting special education in our school systems.  I do love this kind of work and so after a day with them yesterday I quickly want to jump into it with both feet and commit to whatever is needed long term.  However, this morning, God is reminding me that He is shifting my use of time.  So, I will see what develops from this and take it “one day at a time and one moment at a time” as I keep being reminded by the Serenity Prayer.  I want God to be 100% in control of my living out each day as my journey continues.  Even though this type of living has been my wish throughout my life, it is only now that I am awakening to how much selfishness I’ve had in submitting to God’s leadership.

It is truly amazing how God takes us one day at a time, one moment at a time and prepares us for His next steps for us.  During the readiness time it never seems to look much like a plan.  For me it looks much more like chaos in my life, circumstances that don’t come together, folks in my life struggling with me or around me  and I often can’t do much to off-set the problems, etc.  However, as I continue to live through these circumstances and learn to surrender to God’s leadership each time in them, I find that He is truly right there in the midst of it.  It seems He often waits for ones involved to seek Him.  God is truly a patient God–man certainly isn’t characteristic of this patience!  It is after the chaos settles we can begin to see God has always had a plan–it just wasn’t being sought out.

I’m writing the above paragraph because over the past couple weeks I have experienced the chaos.  I’ve written about some of it in the daily blog entries.  God seems to be preparing me for some next steps.  He’s begun to shed some light on it too, I believe.  I was called yesterday afternoon by an old high school friend.  I don’t know if I mention him by name in my book, don’t recall, but he was one of the few Christians in my life at that time.  He also truly lived out the Christian walk during this time and has continued to do so to this very day.  In fact, he is a pastor in the Portland, OR area.  He called because he and his wife had just finished reading my book.  He invited me to come to his church to speak to his congregation “if I ever do such a thing as that”.  I have only done that 3 times at this point, but this morning I can sense God’s hand in wanting this to grow.  It’s as though He is telling me the time is now for me to begin stepping into this process of passing on His work in my life.  There is some anxiety as I write this, but greater than that is the clarity I see for doing it.  The friend who called shared with me that his wife had been sexually abused and she read the book first.  She told him she got much help from it and would like for us to meet.

So, if I can help people address the chaos in their lives by sharing what God has done in my life, I want to do this, even if it means standing behind a pulpit to do so.  I sure don’t want to be a person who has a key to helping someone find relief from a real problem and I keep that key out of fear of exposing my own story.  This story of mine is our story–God and me.  I want to be a good servant of His Kingdom work.  “To God be the glory–great things He has done!”  I want to share the great things with those who are not aware of them.

Today is the Lord’s day–Rejoice and be glad in it!  The pool is ready for use so anyone who reads this and knows where we live, come on over (as soon as church is over that is).

My wife, while shopping yesterday with her sister, ran into a lady we knew several years ago.  This lady was a child we adored.  She had some grueling experiences during her teen years and had many struggles.  She is now doing well but told my wife she is haunted by her past.  Kathy told her about my book and how it tells of my haunting past–that I had written the book to help others find freedom from their past.  This particular lady is a Facebook friend so I’ve contacted her through Messenger to see if I can get a book to her since she lives locally.  Pray for her.  I know much of her story because she and her parents were good friends for many years.  I’d love to see her find freedom that only God can give.

One of the things I keep being reminded of when I encounter someone with a tragic past is the depth of hurt and often shame the person is holding.  So many of us think that if anyone knows our past we would have no friends and in my case, I’d have no job.  I lived in the denial of my own past for way too long.  I guess I didn’t realize I am not alone in the denial stage of the damage a past leaves with us.  I know that is why the first step in Celebrate Recovery, as well as many recovery program, is coming out of denial recognizing the truth that we are helpless to overcome on our own.  I wish there were someway to ease this issue in helping people take that first risky step.  I know that relationships with people are the best tool we have next to God’s Holy Spirit working in the life of the person needing help.  I write this and am instantly reminded that just a few days ago I was blogging about relationships and intimacy.  Healthy relationships create healthy intimacy.  I sense from God that He is wanting me to live the rest of my life helping in this area.  I want to reach out to those who hurt and deeply desire freedom from it.

So, the pool is filling, the circulation pump I had from the previous pool (which I had replaced) is going to work and, I believe, all is well.  Of course, I have to wait to plug the pump in until the pool is full.  That will happen later today.  It takes most of two days to get it filled.  I always have that sense of dread there’s something I overlooked, but I’ll soon know.  My grandson and I went to the movies yesterday afternoon which was a treat.  He’s now back home playing video games which he loves.

Today seems to be a day of rest even though it is a day before Sunday.  I don’t have much on the plate except some watering of garden and getting some things ready for an upcoming Celebrate Recovery event.  My wife and her sister will be shopping all day and I will have the day much to myself.  I’m actually glad there are days like this on the journey of life.  My anxious side wants me to come up with things to do that would seem important, but somehow I’m beginning to know that a day like today is one to cherish as a relaxing day and be OK with that.  So, off we go.  God be with you and your day too.

It is a good thing God halted me in my tracks for several days and gave me direct instruction in intimacy.  Yesterday was its first test.  Last winter the swimming pool collapsed we had built into the decking of our home.  I still have no idea what caused that to happen.  However, it was 18 years old so I figured it died of old age.  It was a 24′ round, vinyl one.  So, I had ordered a replacement and my 12 year old grandson was helping me install the new one yesterday.  Those who know me well know I am not an engineer, mechanic or carpenter.  I am good at the conceptual side of engineering, seeing what can be, but making it real in life is always the test.  So, making this new pool real in life is the test.  My poor grandson told me he had never worked so hard and wasn’t sure having a pool for the summer was worth it as we were in the middle of the installation.  Trying to install a pool within a deck that fits right up to the deck and under its lip was the complicating piece.  Every muscle in my body aches this morning even as I am typing this.  Are you wondering what this has to do with intimacy?

My grandson helping me yesterday is a loving, very physical boy.  He hugs, kisses and freely wants to be next to you.  I’ve always thought of him as God’s gift to me showing me what intimacy looks like in human, physical form without the perversions I’ve dealt with my whole life.  At the end of yesterday he thanked me and hugged me for letting him help even though he was most grateful to have it out of the way.  Somehow I saw that relationships are bigger than the work if intimacy is in tact.  If the work is bigger than intimacy, there will be issues.  I really need to learn this lesson.  God did a good job showing this to me in yesterday’s lesson.  We still have to finish it up and get the circulation pump working today.  I’m going to go into it a little more awake today.  I’ll let you know how this goes.

You know you can start moving forward again when all the roadblocks are gone and the green light is looming ahead of you.  That is the way I feel this morning after the several days of “intimacy training”.  I feel as though I should say intimacy awakening.  There is something fundamental about having this clearly awakened for me.  I wrote in my journal this morning that intimacy is like a beautiful presence that has been in front of me for much of my life.  I couldn’t see it because I had so many walls built to “protect me” and that it was blocking the very gift it wanted to provide.  That gift has turned out to be the gift of trusting–fully trusting.  I’ve not ever wanted to be a non-trusting soul, but I had a huge misunderstanding of what intimacy really it.  My perverted past had me thinking intimacy was all about physical touch.  Because of the depth in which this was buried in my heart and soul, I never wanted to be touched again unless I gave permission for it.  Now that I’ve realized that it is about touch, but not so much about physical touch.  God has been touching my life throughout my life.  He has given me opportunities, friendships, family and more;  all of which touched my life enormously.  He has done this because of his intimate love for me.  I just have never understood all of this.  Now that I do I want to step right in and assist others in removing their barriers blocking their ability to see this beautiful presence.

The people of our society today are being poisoned with the thinking “I’ll do it my way.”  Somehow we have come to believe that is a good thing.  God wants us to know His way is best and it is not a dictatorial command He is giving us.  It is one of intimate understanding of His ways verses man’s way.  My ways are selfish.  God’s ways are selfish too, but God doesn’t work with a limited deck like I do.  He is God all-knowing, I am man with very limited knowing.  Why wouldn’t I want this Intimate God to be my Lord and King?

This morning as I surrendered this day to God’s leadership in my life I felt that “peace that passeth all understanding”–Philippians 4:7.  It is amazing!

I think I must tell you that intimacy is here to stay.  I have always looked at this topic through the lens of man when all this time God has been waiting for me to see the light.  In the past few days I’ve begun to see clearly that the first intimacy we (I) build is our (my) own with God.  It looks something like complete trust.  If I trust God in all things I can be completely intimate with Him and He can be completely intimate with me for I fully trust Him.  All intimacy with man is then built accordingly to the amount of trust I have with God.

I mentioned the series yesterday about sexual purity and listening to its first dvd.  It talked about the research behind the sexual purity struggle mankind has.  Because our sex drive is primal, its root go into the limbic system of our brain.  This part of our brain operates our autonomic functions.   I am saying this because the healing that needs to take place in God’s “renewing our mind” (Romans 12: 1&2) goes clear into this part of our being.  I’m posting a quote from the research of the “Genesis Process”.  It states:

THE LIMBIC SYSTEM: Overview

The Limbic System (the heart) is negatively programmed through painful experiences with people we trusted, especially in our formative years. Not trusting or being able to bond with others leads to fear, anxiety, loneliness, isolation and self gratification. Since the heart is negatively programmed through hurtful experiences with others, it must be healed through opposite experiences.  When we can’t get our needs met from others we have to learn to self gratify. Addiction is self-gratification.  This is why recovery that heals what drives self-destructive behaviors is a process of learning to trust again. The process of trust that heals our heart usually begins with God and then people.

When those abused as children are growing into adulthood, it becomes clear why there is this addictive struggle.  I can also see clearly why intimacy has been such a life-long struggle for me.  Now that I am ready to fully trust God in all things I can trust Him to renew even this automatic response I’ve always had to intimacy–starting with Him.  I look forward to this mind renewal.

I do pray this part of the journey is helpful to you.  It is life changing for me and I’ve needed to spend this time here on the journey to get healthier before moving on.

Yesterday, upon finishing the blog entry, I took advantage of the quiet time I had and started watching a video series I was given by one of our pastors.  The series addresses men who want to find sexual purity.  It is much like a support group but it is designed to walk men through a process where they identify and own behaviors and then learn how to use accountability to find daily freedom from the habit of sexual sin.  I have been interested in this topic for years.  It is what brought me first to Celebrate Recovery.  Now after 8 years of CR, I still see men who need the specificity of material designed just for them in this category.  I listened to the first 70 minute DVD and took a test it said to take and spent the rest of the day with the consequences of this!  The very first question of the exam was, “Were you ever sexually abused as a child? Yes or No”.  It went downhill from there.  Actually, it was hugely clarifying for me.

I needed to write the first paragraph so I could explain how God used yesterday to give me a much clearer meaning of intimacy.  Perfect intimacy has no secrets.  Instead, it has genuine trust and respect.  As I was journaling all of this earlier this morning I realized too that all the fears I’ve had about intimacy begin to turn into anticipation rather than fear.  Now, let me connect the first paragraph to this one (maybe you’ve already done so).  Now that I’ve walked this far in the journey of Finding Freedom from my past, I realize how much I’ve walled off and how much God has needed to have me demolish these walls.  I had some walls get demolished yesterday.  One of the things clarified for me in the DVD was the difference between guilt and shame.  In my therapy we dealt with both of these.  I struggled with guilt but nothing like I struggled with shame.  Shame owned me and I didn’t fully understand why.  The speaker said that guilt is the sense of remorse.  Shame, he said, comes from a much deeper part of us and we think we did what we did because of what and who we are. In other words, there is no way out.  That is what I’d always thought about my past–it owned me. Even though I knew Rich’s sin was his, I also knew it possessed me too.  It has been in the renewing of my mind that I’ve been able to dispose of this old belief. The speaker went on to say that God restores us through His word by the renewing of our mind–my belief system.  This is exactly what He has been doing for me the past few years and took me another step forward yesterday by destroying a wall of “protection” that didn’t protect.  It actually kept healthy living and believing out.

This intimate Father we have doesn’t want His kids confused about His work for us.  I love Him for this!  He really is wanting me fully healed and He is relentless in taking us (me) there if we (I) stay with Him and His process of healing.

Intimacy–It is all around us, around me.  I haven’t noticed until now just how of life has intimacy built into it.  I do intimately care about each person who reads this blog because they are finding healing.  I care for each person who has read my book (God’s and mine) and found hope in it for themselves as well as light for next steps towards a more fulfilling life.  I hadn’t looked at any of these aspects as being part of intimacy until now.  Jesus Christ is extremely intimate with us as we continue to draw closer and closer to Him.  I want to continue this journey with Him and complete as much of the intimate work as I can.

Our pastor’s sermon yesterday was about us being grafted into God’s Kingdom through Jesus Christ.  He didn’t graft us in as grandkids, distant relatives, but as sons and daughters.  This makes us direct recipients of the inheritance God has prepared for us.  Talk about intimate detail!

Intimacy seems to be a critical part of all aspects of our nature from mind, emotions and body.  It was safe for me to work with my mind all of my life.  No one could see what was in it and damage it with their criticism.  I struggled to do too much with my emotions because I can’t do anything with my emotions without being noticed.  My view of my emotions was severely damaged from what I thought was dad’s view of me.  Little did I know that people all around me were noticing this part of me anyway.  I was the one who had the blinded eye to it.  My body was damaged goods from all the sexual abuse so I would keep eyes off of it with the work I did from the good thinking I’d do.  I am really waking up to the denial I’ve lived in so much of my life.  I’m also ready to be fully awake to letting my body, mind and emotions work as a team.  I don’t know how this will be, but I believe it will be much like it has been, I’ll just be awake to it now.

Thanks for taking this little journey through intimacy with me the last couple days.  I’ve needed to embrace it as a critical part of life (me).