“When peace like a river attendeth my way. When sorrows like sea billows roll. Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say: ”It is well, it is well with my soul.” These words of verse one in the great hymn, “It is Well”, were given to me this morning as Christ asked yet again, “How is your soul?” 

Until the last few years of my life I’ve never liked to look inwardly. Even today when I’m asked, “How are you?”, I quickly respond, “I am old and special.” In truth, I do this because not so many years ago if I did take a look inwardly, all I would see were the ugly effects of abuse and how I thought God saw me. It is so much easier to be friendly and humorous on the surface while trying to be “competent” in any work I do. God’s Holy Spirit has been drilling home the importance of soul searching. I’ve said before that I have the statement “Eyes on Christ alone” written at the top of my prayer list. 

This morning as I was praying for my dear friend who is losing the battle to cancer, my soul wasn’t at peace. Christ had asked me the question I wrote above and then the words to the song came to me. So, “when sorrow like sea billows roll”, I am to still find peace, assurance, confidence. I only can do this if I bring this sea billowing struggle to Christ alone. Only HE can satisfy my soul when I keep my eyes on Him and not on “the sea billowing rolls”. As I did this, this morning, the tears came as they do again as I write this; for my soul can only be at peace when I give ALL of this to HIM–CHRIST JESUS. 

I’ve considered myself a well-disciplined individual (in the eyes of man) and I’ve tried to help others with this for themselves. Setting up healthy habits is always good. I know the discipline it takes to do this but the long-term payoff is worth it. Keeping this in mind, this morning’s message in scripture and devotionals hit me squarely. 

Yesterday I wrote about loving self and taking good care of self so that one is able to care equally so for his neighbor. This message stayed with me through most of the day and the day went very well with the counseling and a couple other events in it. As I began this morning and I journaled I asked Jesus the same question I do each day. His response asked me why I expect the clients I counsel to listen carefully to what I share with them when I sort through what I hear from Him? The discipline of obedience to Christ doesn’t allow for choosing what I want from what I don’t want. Yes, His Grace does forgive, but my growth in Him is stymied when I become selfish.

The book of James is little, but it powerfully hits home in addressing the struggle of living fully committed to Jesus. Jesus asks me to listen well to Him through His Word and then respond fully to His Spirit’s leading each and every day. My flesh sometimes wants its way, but my heart’s desire is to daily live out the discipline of obedience. 

Today as I was finishing my journaling to Jesus, I asked, as I always do, “What do you want me to know from you for today Jesus?” He instantly asked me how it is with my soul? This question has been asked quite often of late and so today my response was to ask Him why He kept asking me that question? What was amazing to me was that while I was writing my response to His question, the reason He was asking me became clear. He was asking because He wanted me to self-examine. I had written that He already knows how I am so why would He ask me so often? He knows I do not self-examine naturally. I live out each day taking care of what needs to be done and doing it as well as possible and adding a little flavor (humor) to it as often as I can.

As I went from journaling to reading the two devotionals and then the Bible (the scripture was from James) I found what Christ was wanting me to find. James is writing to the churches which had begun. He was reminding them, in part, to love their neighbors as themselves. This is exactly what Christ had told His followers when they asked Him which commandments were most important. In order to love your neighbor well, one has to be anchored in their love for self. That would mean they take care of self so they can take care of their neighbor.

Today I have 6 counseling appointments in a row. I have things ready for them, but Jesus was wanting to to know if I am personally ready for them? Have I surrendered Kathy to HIm for today instead of worrying about leaving her alone; have I surrendered the unknowns I would worry about to Him, have I made sure I am anchored in who I am in Christ? Well, now that I’ve walked this path, I have done this. Amazingly, having walked the path of self-examination I find it leaves me humbly assured. There is no arrogance (as my dad would accuse) in loving self as Christ told us to do. Thank you Jesus!

God is so Amazing and so Good! I have a dear friend who has been seemingly losing her battle to breast cancer. As I was journaling this morning I was telling Jesus how I felt about this battle losing ground. This lady is a wonderful warrior for Him so why was He allowing her to continue to decline? Well, when I asked Him what He wanted me to know for today, He simply reminded me that life goes on, but each life comes to an end. I had to process that a moment, but when I did I could easily see His meaning.

At the top of my prayer list I have written, “Eyes on Christ alone”. My journaling this morning was expressing what my eyes on this friend wanted said. Christ was wanting me to move my eyes from her to Him. As I did this I could see the impact this friend has had on so many lives. My selfish request was far more about me wanting her to continue to be a vibrant part of my life now.

God sees all of His creation and as best as possible, He wants me (each of us) to see His bigger picture about “life” verses each individual life. He has paved a way for each of us to come to Him for eternity. He wants each of us to stay focused on those He’s placed in our lives who still need to see Him as their Savior and Lord. We can only do this when our eyes are kept on Christ alone.

I awoke this morning with that drive to get up so this day can begin. As I got my coffee and started my journaling I realized there is nothing on the calendar for today. I’m not taking Kathy to church for one more week. We will simply be home all day. It seems so odd to write this, but I love the fact we can simply be home.

A funny little moment yesterday was when I was driving Kathy to the party. She said her therapy sessions were an hour long so there would be no reason she couldn’t be at the party for an hour or so. I thought, wow, the original Kathy is returning! It’s amazing how the things that use to torment me now amuse me. Kathy and I are both quite strong-willed and when the wills differ we usually get quiet after we begin to argue about it. Well, yesterday, rather than argue, I agreed. Participating in the party would be as educational as a therapy session. So, away we went!

Kathy is returning to the person God created originally!

God is so AMAZING! How often I think this and how often I write it here. I have to remind myself that I don’t need to prove myself to HIm in order to be loved by Him. He sees me through the lens of His One and only Son–Jesus. It is amazing to me that He does this. I take a look at each of my grandkids and picture them in my mind. When I do this I don’t see their humanness–flaws; I see their exuberance and love for life. I know they have their individual struggles, but the love I have for them is never tainted by an flaw they may have. This is only a tiny example of God’s love for you and me. How incredible He is!

There are 5 Christmas parties Kathy and I are invited to attend. The first one is this afternoon and then the other four are all in next week. I have talked with each host/ess regarding the limitations of time for us but I’ve never walked out on a party after 30 minutes. I feel as though I’m robbing Kathy of her times of joy. She loves Christmas parties and all of the food, games and festivities involved with them. I keep picturing myself quietly reminding her it is time for us to leave. We need to do this while she is still feeling good about being present. It’s good to be stimulated, but overstimulation is damaging so we must leave before this happens. I’ve been reminded of this by every doctor and therapist.

OK, so this is part of today’s journey. God is slowly healing Kathy’s body and today I get to take a new part in this–the timekeeper!

I dearly love these early mornings when there is no interruption. It’s just God and me. You get to sense and know His Spirit within and for a moment in time you know beyond a shadow of any doubt that God is Love. The day then begins with all of its interruptions and challenges and I quickly lose for a time this intimate sense of God’s Presence. Yet, I can anchor into the Strength of God when I realize I’ve once again drifted for a time. His Spirit nudges and I reawaken to the reality that I need to let my mind return to the God I serve.

Yesterday I was notified that my younger brother’s wife may have had a stroke as my own wife did almost two weeks ago. I quickly called to check this message’s accuracy. It was true. Yet, later last night there was no evidence of a stroke found. The doctors thought it was likely a migraine which can mirror symptoms of a stroke. A year ago my older sis-in-law battled a 6 month period of breast cancer treatment. This morning I was hit with the truth of God’s Gift to us Lewis brothers. Our wives are precious not only in God’s sight, but they are most precious as our wives. They love each other and are like 3 peas in a pod and we brothers take so much of this for granted.

My next assignment is to let the three of them know what a gift they are! I’ve already thanked God, and next it will be them!

A quote from one of today’s devotionals reads: “This vast ocean of God’s Love cannot be measured or explained, but it can be experienced.” When I read this I had to stop and ponder/reflect. I thought to myself that truer words have never been spoken or written.

Man so wants to take God’s Love and put his own description of what it should look like built on man’s desires or wishes. I wanted God’s Love to obliterate my memories of my past thinking that this would be God’s perfect way of showing me He loved me. Little did I ever think He was wanting me to surrender this past to Him so He could use it for His purposes. This would be an expression of His Love. Every counseling day I get to experience glimpses of God’s Love. These glimpses often include what I kept as secrets so much of my life. Today God uses these secrets as ingredients for one’s stepping out of their own bondage. It plants seeds of faith/hope for others and it nurtures gratitude within me. And, someday, God will use their story to help another.

In my limited, human resources I am unable to put words to this vast Love of God. However, I can and will do my best to express the depth of gratitude I have for this Love that I get to experience each and every day. God is LOVE!

Our flesh was never intended to be an ugly thing. Boy, did sin ever do its number however. I find myself spending so much time dealing with the ugly side of flesh when God intended for us to be free of this all. Choice was suppose to be a gift and I suppose it still is. However, the curse of choice has been with us a very long time.

I know that our decline is inevitable. It is sure difficult to watch and experience. The fact that it is directly connected to sin makes me hate sin all the more. The personal struggles I have with temptations are a small part of the struggle when this decline of life begins to set in.

Remembering to praising God in the midst of this is another huge item. If I look just beyond the struggles of today I see the arms of Jesus waiting to embrace as I give Him thanks for the freedom He gives–the peace that passeth all understanding. All I have to do is look up to Him and remember. These present struggles are only temporary He reminds me. How I love Him for this promise!

It is so easy to take this life of flesh for granted. Even though we have abundant knowledge about death and the decline of our flesh as we age, I find myself continuously learning new things as this reality of decline hit our home. Maybe we are all this way, but I just haven’t noticed how independent I am. I greatly enjoy independence, doing things on my own, fixing my own meals, laundry, finances, yard and garden and so much more. What I didn’t realize about myself was how much I expected everyone in my close family to be the same. Independence is a sign of health I subconsciously thought. Not until now when Kathy had her stroke did I realize I don’t want her being independent. I want her to need me and I want to be there for her in all of her needs. Even though the therapists said to let her be as independent as possible, I want to be a mouse in the corner making sure she’s ok. In all of this I also have yesterday’s message speaking to me–Trust and Obey.

I’ve just not had to combine trusting God with life’s deterioration until now. Even letting others into our home to be with Kathy while I’m counseling has been its own mental/emotional struggle. Sharing responsibilities is the right thing to do. Kathy enjoys her friends and family and I can trust them to recognize what she needs and when she needs it.

Today I’m gone for 7 hours–1.5 miles away. My sis-in-law will be here and Kathy wants this, God has already shown Himself in this. Now it is my turn to Trust and Obey. I’ve never thought of myself as a helicopter husband, but…! I will TRUST and I will OBEY.