Keeping a secret can have very negative results when it needs to be exposed. In my working through the book of 90 days journaling and reading the devotional, writing my commitment to God and contacting my accountability, I keep coming back to the consequences of secrets. If we have a physical issue like cancer or an ulcer, etc., and we don’t address it medically, it can eventually kill us. The same is true for our spiritual self when we keep hidden what hinders us from confessing to God and telling a trusted friend.

The reason this hits home for me is that I have found great freedom staying “exposed”. However, sometimes I will generalize the issue when I need to specify the exact issue. I need to get specific with God and the trusted friend. There truly is great freedom and strength in doing this. When I tie this to the Power of God I find at the portal of this specific issue–telling is when the Strength is found. Yesterday’s entry defined this portal.

Complete freedom comes as we confess all there is to confess both to God and this trusted friend!

In 2 Corinthians 12:10 Paul writes, “I’m not defeated by my weakness, but delighted! For when I feel my weakness and endure mistreatment–when I’m surrounded with troubles on every side and face persecution because of my love for Christ–I am made yet stronger. For my weakness becomes a portal to God’s Power.”

I have hated my weaknesses throughout all of my life. When I was little it was the things I couldn’t do like my dad and several of my brothers. Not one of them seemed to be like me, I was the anomaly. By high school I was given singing, leadership and a drive for good grades which gave me somethings to hang onto. I also had this burning desire to please God (now I wonder if that was because I couldn’t please dad, so I’d try to please God). By college my sexual abuse had ended and my secrets began to be fueled by things I heard and experienced while there. Life only added to this as I got beyond college.

Fast forward many years to today and read again the bolded print in the scripture above–For my weakness becomes a portal to God’s Power. The weaknesses of today–desires for porn to gratify fleshly cravings, the pride I have that wants to keep it a secret still–are a portal to God’s Power when I’m not defeated by my weakness but instead–delighted. What a paradox! I see this truth everyday when working with others and their struggles/weaknesses. I confess and surrender and what happens–God’s Power shows up! What an AMAZING GOD!

I began yesterday’s entry saying what a blessed day it was starting out to be. That didn’t change. All day remained the same. It seems there are few days in life that pristine. One of the surprises (blessings) was finding how many raspberries were ready to pick. I had picked a couple of them next to the garden that were ripe so I thought I’d go through the patch to see just how many were ready. Well, that picking turned out to be about 1/3 of a gallon. That’s not a lot compared to the ones to follow, but it is great for the first. I now know I’ll be picking every other day for a couple of weeks!

For years and years I wondered why God allowed the abuse of my childhood to come about? Then when I married the first time, why He allowed a divorce when my two girls were only 2 & 4? I had tried so hard to live well for Jesus and obey His leadership in my life, but still all of this happened. One of my devotional readings started with a quote from Charles Spurgeon. It reads: “No man ever became holy by chance. There must be a resolve, a desire, a panting, a pining after obedience to God, or else we shall never have it.”

My biggest reason for making a resolve, having a deep desire, a panting, a pining for obedience to God was because I could not do this on my own. I had tried for 30 years only to find my self hurting deeply. Full surrender of all my efforts was the only way I was ever going to find FREEDOM in Christ Jesus! All these years later God has made it abundantly clear about my childhood. He never created it, but He wanted to use it for His Honor and Glory. When I finally committed to partnering with God to share my story, I began to find what I never had before hand. What a humble honor it is to be able to serve God in this capacity.

Today feels like a gift to me. I was able to sleep until my body was ready to get up. That isn’t sleeping in as most describe it, for 6:30 am is still early for most. However, the last several mornings I’ve needed to be up hours ahead of this. So, today, with the house empty but me and very quiet, I slept.

The book I’ve mentioned many times of late had a message today that squarely hits me at the heart of my being. The book is Freedom Starts Today by John Elmore. Today’s message was asking about what “idol” our sinfulness is serving? I have always thought that porn and/or masturbation was the idol for me. However, as I was reading this morning and journaling about this I found myself needing to focus on a taproot. Writing about this openly for any reader to read is difficult because the content is raw and graphic if I were to go into detail. I don’t think the detail is necessary for each one of us has our own “detail” that is raw and graphic and that is what needs to be given to God and asked to be removed once and for all in our lives.

I don’t often write, nor do I need to, about such intimate detail. However, today I needed to do just that. I have journaled and asked God to remove this idol that wants to be served (gratified). I’ve daily asked God for strength to not give into the temptations of porn and masturbation. Today, I ask God to remove the idol they want to serve. My first step in this has been done which is to apply the 3-R’s. I’ve Recognized it, and I’ve taken the 2nd step which is to Reject it. I’ve also, when I journaled, took the 3rd step and Replaced it with The Holy Spirit in my life–filling the hole where that idol resided. Oh what a treasure our Father God, Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit are!

Today started quite early needing to have my wife, youngest daughter and my granddaughter at the airport by 5:30 am. They are on their way and I am prepping for today.

Last night in our step study group we were addressing the lesson entitled: CONFESS. In one of the answers I mentioned the therapy I’d had for PTSD. Afterwards one of the men asked me what the therapy was for PTSD and I told him–EMDR. He wanted to know how it worked so I stepped into it telling him about the session when we were addressing the shame in my life. This was one of the most powerful, yet painful sessions in the 3 years I was in this counseling. The amazing part of the session for me was when the session was ending I was told by the counselor to put the memories/pain and shame in the safe container I’d selected to house all of it so it wouldn’t be returning. However, in this session I was so overcome with the weight of the shame I couldn’t move any part of my body. I could barely whisper telling her this. So, she, the counselor, told me to ask God to send angels to lift the weight of shame for me.

I did ask God to send angels, however as time past, no one came. When the counselor asked me what was taking place, I said no one came, but no one ever came. She told me to not believe that lie and keep asking. All of a sudden there were two beings present who lifted the entire weight from me. I simply knew it was God and Jesus. Later, when I thanked God for coming, I asked Him why He didn’t send angels. He said to my mind, “I wanted you to know how important you are to Jesus and Me.” I simply wept at that point. This was the beginning of a major turning point for me.

WELCOME TO SUMMER! Summer is beginning very mildly this year. It is only 43 degrees right now outside and the house is 64 degrees. I wouldn’t be surprised if Kathy turns the furnace on for a short while when she arises!

As I was reading my devotional material this morning I read a quote by J. I. Parker. It says in part, “The Spirit’s message to us is to never look at me, listen to me, come to me, get to know me; but always to look at HIM and see His Glory…!”

Over the years I have yearned to know God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit very intimately. Before I had the 3 years of intense therapy and counseling I had spent a year journaling to each of the three hoping to build that intimacy with each one. I found at the end of this time that I was more disappointed than anything else. The intimacy I yearned to develop was as mysterious as it had been before hand. Actually, it seemed even more mysterious because now I’d spent all of this time and there was still no closeness for which I yearned.

Today I’m growing into the respectful, loving thankfulness for our Triune God. The Holy Spirit within me (as I grow into better surrendering to Him) is amazingly unseen, yet powerfully important. He is the motivation, the focuser, the discipliner to not quit until the goal is reached and the red flag carrier when one is “not to go there”. WOW! I love this journey and what it continues to teach and transform!

I suppose that every 8 years or so one needs to change a flat tire so they don’t forget how it’s done and where all of the equipment to change it is located. Yes, that happened last night shortly after midnight. My two brothers and wives along with Kathy and me went to see the Wizard of Oz last night. It is a little place in the mountains about 60-70 miles from home. There is an outdoor theater there which has been doing summer theaters for well over 30 years. All went well until I was 5 miles from home and I had a flat. It was a little after midnight and I have a 7:30 am counseling appointment this morning so I was wishing to get home and to bed. Well, God provided a gentleman who assisted us while my brothers and I got the tire changed. I told God I wasn’t going to let this mishap disrupt a wonderful afternoon and evening with Him and my family.

God really is amazing! The gentleman who stopped “happened” to be a traffic controller so he had cones to put up since we were on the outskirts of our main town. Even at this time of night there was a good amount of traffic. God never sleeps, even when I wish I were sleeping! No matter the need, He is present!

I have made an early appointment to get my wife’s car serviced today. I have to apologize for this taking precedence over my writing of this entry. I guess, while I’m in the flesh, my journey will have days like this. My commitment is still to live this day sober in my flesh and fully accountable to my Savior and Lord Jesus Christ! With the help of His Holy Spirit within me, I will do this. To God be the Glory!

Today is Father’s Day. I got up to find a nice card from my wife at the coffee pot. I thought it was odd I hadn’t received a card from my daughter in Oklahoma. She is always right on time and if not, she sends a text saying it is in the mail. Well, after thinking this I realized I haven’t gotten the mail from the mailbox for two days! The local family will all be here later to celebrate the day and to celebrate my youngest grandson’s birthday which was earlier this week.

Today’s focus being Father’s Day brings to my mind the sweetness of our Father God. I wrote yesterday about finding what a wonderful Father He truly is. Yesterday our quartet sang for an assisted living place where I gave a brief testimony of my life and the critical role my Father God has played in it. Giving me (us) Jesus to model our living after, but so important is His providing the way to God for eternity. How grateful I am!

All of us have our sinful past and even our present sin. God is quick to forgive when we simply take the step of confessing. I honor you Father God!

Another amazing discovery from working this book, Freedom Starts Today, is the constant presence of God Himself. Not only His Presence is notable, but the kindness within His Presence. Looking back at my own life with my earthly dad, I only see one Friday night where my dad and I had gone to a prayer meeting my senior year in high school. It was specifically for fathers to pray for their sons. I have no idea what dad prayed that night but he hugged me. This one moment has been lost in the myriad of the “other times”.

I had never intended to shield myself from God. I knew He couldn’t be like my dad or else He couldn’t be God. However, building an intimate relationship with God wasn’t going to happen and I hadn’t even realized it. Trusting Jesus and The Holy Spirit was much easier to grasp, though there were many stumbling blocks there too.

Today, the shield I’d kept around me is practically gone. Trusting God as my loving Father has become easy and extremely desirable. Today our quartet sings for a group and I am giving a brief testimony centered around the song–“God Doesn’t Care”. It is a song with a beautiful message telling that God doesn’t care what is in our past. His GRACE is sufficient to address, forgive and help us overcome any obstacle blocking the intimacy God wants to have with you and me. Just reach out and accept His Gift of GRACE!