I need to stay on the topic of me being a jar of clay for another day. Last night’s lesson in Celebrate Recovery was CROSSROADS. This lesson is all about choosing which path we will follow. Will it be a path of surrender and obedience or to stay with “me” being the main decider in my life? I just couldn’t get out of my head my need to stay believing that I am a jar of clay, I always have been and always will be while on this earth. The jar of clay is simply our flesh and living by the flesh–our old self. I might be a new creation but if I choose to live by “my power” I’m choosing to live by the strength of the dead horse–my old self.
I’ve always thought I needed to be strong so not to be like others in my past. I would stand up against them and I’d stand up against the world if it were to be like them. I needed to be this way–I thought. What I have never realized is that this very attitude was my greatest hindrance in breaking away from an addiction like porn. I will forever struggle with the battle if I’m always trying to resist on my strength. I’ve known a lot about my need to surrender but surrendering for me always came after I’d battled on my own.
Today I told God I am a jar of clay and I believe and know I am. I want His Holy Spirit to live within this clay pot and be my Strength, my Shield, my Fortress and so much more! Along with this–I will stay out of His Way in being my STRENGTH! One more thing that is just amazing to me is God’s Patience in waiting for me to awaken to this truth! What a loving God we get to serve!
Last night was the step study group of men session. We are deep into the lessons which prepare one to do their inventory–tell all of their past which led them into the need for recovery. Most of them are ok with this, but one individual is wanting to drop out knowing what has to be done as his next step. He wants what he has done thus far to be enough. He talked a good deal with me after the session and we agreed to meet separately next week so he can go deeply into the whys of his fear. He is a young father and has much potential.
All of my life I “did” for Jesus all I could hoping that someday it would be enough so the bondage would be lifted–removed–forgotten. The scripture II Corinthians 4:7 says, “But we have this treasure in clay jars, so that it may be made clear that this extraordinary power belongs to God and does not come from us.” One of my great awakenings of late has been letting myself be a fragile jar of clay. All of my life I had to be strong so I wouldn’t be weak like I thought my dad and my brother were–even my mom at times. I HAD to be strong so I wouldn’t be like this! Letting myself be a jar of clay? Why God?
The clarity of this came out for me last night as I heard this young man wanting to run so he wouldn’t have to admit that he’s weak. I kept seeing my old self as I listened to him. I knew it was time for me to do more than “know” I’m a jar of clay. I can now believe and appreciate the fact that The Holy Spirit within this jar (me) cannot be strong if I am trying to do this myself. I surrender and realize I WANT to be a jar of clay so all strength within me is The Holy Spirit!
Yesterday was a day where a lot of burden was shared in different settings. The morning had a couple of counseling sessions which seemed to go well. Afterwards, our family had a funeral service for a nephew who had passed. It was a nice celebration of his life, but there are those struggles. Last night was our Celebrate Recovery leadership meeting where some struggles were shared and lastly, the day ended with a quartet practice. Following the practice, a member wanted to talk about an intense burden they were dealing with.
As I started my devotional time I journaled that I felt emotionally exhausted which I quickly recognized as an effect from yesterday. As I asked Jesus what He wanted me to know for today, He reminded me that these burdens are His, not mine. He would let me know if there’s something He wants me to do with them. Being a good listener was my role yesterday. Understanding to let Christ take care of these burdens was my role for starting today.
It is amazing how God works! Giving burdens to Him is just exactly what He wants done. Rejoicing in His promise to be the One who brings about intervention. praising Him ahead of time for what I cannot see but know He will do in His time, is my joy for today,
As this journey continues several years after its start–(I’m calling the start when I wrote my autobiography in 2015)–I am finally seeing something God has wanted me to address. Will I trust Jesus to be Lord of my life in all things rather than some things? Will I move to trust Jesus to be Lord as I trust Him to be Savior?
It has always been easy to trust Jesus as Savior for me. He promises that I will go to heaven at death since I’ve accepted Him into my life. This assurance has been easy. In fact, only in recent years have I begun to live my life to live. Since my teen years I had lived life to die. Living with the bondage of abuse left me with an intense desire to die. I wouldn’t take my life, but I often prayed God would take it. Finding real freedom from the bondage has given me the desire to live my life in order to truly live. I still appreciate the fact that I’ll die, but I no longer even think about asking God to end my life.
More than all of this, God is wanting me to trust His Son Jesus as LORD OF ALL. This 90 day journey I’m on is accenting my need to see a selfishness within me in a different light. Counseling, from more than one counselor, had told me I would likely never be free of gay thoughts, and desires of porn. The waters run deep from the abuse of my past sexual abuse and my dad’s verbal abuse. I’ve lamented this statement since hearing it, and so I stuff it rather than deal with it. Now, I surrender it with trust in Jesus as my LORD. If I am to live with it, I’ll live with it as a reminder of surrender rather than a threat to Jesus being Lord. I want Jesus as Lord more than anything in this world!
There is something beautiful about a garden (at least this is true for me). This is especially true when the garden is weed free and the plants are thriving. My flower gardens and my vegetable garden are in this state presently. There is hardly a day that goes by when I am not in each of the beds taking out any weeds which are appearing. The other key ingredient is keeping them watered. No one really sees this part of the upkeep. They simply see the beds.
I write this message because I thank God for the opportunity to garden. I am not a man who enjoys the hobbies of sports or vehicles. In fact, one of the things I enjoy a great deal about gardening is that I get to do it alone. All of the work I do is with people which I deeply love too. Gardening is peaceful and usually uninterrupted. I find God in this time.
Everyone needs their moment of pleasure and relaxation. This is mine. This is the place where God restores my soul. I thank Him for providing this home and place of refuge. God is so GOOD!
I have been utterly amazed at the pointed accuracy this 90-day book/journal has been in hitting the world of temptation we (I) encounter. I met yesterday morning with one of the two small groups to check-in and see how they are doing staying sober? Every one of the four is finding stability during this time. I have found each day’s entry to not only be encouraging, but it is also extremely accurate to the day’s encounter. Today’s message reminds me that Satan knows my weakness/vulnerability and when I am tired mentally and or physically I am most vulnerable. The reminder that I can at that time accommodate my temptation or I can let Christ and The Holy Spirit within me be what Satan sees within me. I always hear that voice of intuition in my head asking the question, “Is this something you really want to do?” My response can always be–“NO” and then turn my back to the temptation.
I think we all know that the above message seems so simple and logical. Yet, when one encounters the temptation, making the decision is often a genuine struggle. Yes, this is our selfish flesh screaming for accommodation, but I encourage anyone reading to join me in taking the step just for today that lets Christ and The Holy Spirit be what Satan sees in you. Tomorrow we can do it again, but for today, lets remain sober using God’s Gift to us.
The very first commandment tells us to have no other gods before me, Exodus 20:3 and Deuteronomy 5:7. I never thought this was the case for me until I realized that taking a look at porn was exactly looking at some other “god”. This present time of my journey has me realizing another truth which came out of today’s devotional. The topic was hitting on codependency. When I saw it I thought this will be an easy one because this is one character defect I rarely struggle with. Well, that was until I finished the devotional and heard The Holy Spirit’s voice in my head.
A simple definition of codependency is pleasing someone when you already know it goes against what you know is right but you want to keep the relationship with that person so you do it. As I was processing today’s message I heard God’s voice ask me about my desire to please “me” and keep me “happy”. Don’t I desire to please me more than I want to obey God’s voice when I battle with the temptation of porn? This is an unhealthy act of codependency with oneself. Here I was taking pride initially in not being codependent only to see and know this message is true for me. I’ve always given the root of this defect to my brother’s long term use of me and dad’s belittling verbal messages. Even though they are gone, I still have this temptation. So if I please it I’m only accommodating my own selfishness putting a god before God.
This is a sobering reality but a very important one for me. I thank God for never giving up on helping me grow more and more into His likeness and not the likeness of my selfish desires.
For several days now God has been revealing new truths to me for which I am most grateful. They have been unexpected one which I wasn’t even praying about, yet for some reason God is doing this.
Today, as I was journaling, I was lamenting that I have these character defects–sinful natures. I was connecting them, at least in my mind, to the sins of my dad and my brother and the lasting effects of them on me, even today. God in all of His Grace seemed to know it is time for this 72 year old man to see my sins as mine. I even wrote and have written, I didn’t want to be like dad or my brother. It was at this point that God’s Spirit spoke to me saying that my sinfulness is mine and dad’s sinfulness was his along with my brother’s being his. God doesn’t look at me and see dad or Rich, He sees me. He forgives my sins and sees me cleansed because of Jesus living in me. I no longer need to hang onto old thinking, God has given me His Holy Spirit to guide my thinking into new pathways–His pathways!
Today was another day for which God is providing new insights for me. The author of the 90 day experience I’m working through wrote about how God sees us. God made a new covenant with man through His Son Jesus. This covenant provided God’s Son Jesus to live within us along with the Gift of God’s Holy Spirit. Our part is to accept Jesus into our lives confessing our sin as is stated in I John 1:9. This is not the new insight. Today as I was reading all of this I was able to actually see myself as having Christ and The Holy Spirit within me. God see them in me as He looks at me. This is not a wish–it is the spiritual reality of accepting Christ into our lives. We are (I am) seen as a new creation! I saw today, myself, a new creation. WOW!
Helping others see ourselves this way is going to be added to the work of the counseling. This is far more than a truth to know, it is a reality to believe!
One of the unexpected things I’m gleaning from doing this 90 day journal/devotional book is personalizing the messages for me. Today’s message was one demonstrating just how much each one of us means to God. No matter what our sin/s is/are, He has already provided His Son Jesus for us to come to Him confessing these sins and letting Him embrace us with His Love.
I’ve rarely been able to simply receive this love personally. It is much easier to accept it globally including everyone else in the message/writing. It has always triggered my dad’s message to me if I try to accept this love personally. I hear, “Oh you selfish person, you just want to take all the glory and forget about all of us. Just go right ahead and forget we even exist!” I know this isn’t true and I know to reject it, but I’ve fought all my life to replace this wicked/evil message with God’s Truth. However, today I did personalize God’s love for just me. It doesn’t feel selfish, but it sure does feel humbling realizing how grateful I am for my Loving God who cares deeply for me.
Now that I’ve written this, I hope an reader who struggles believing God’s Love is just for you, will take the time today to say out loud that I know God loves me in spite of all I’ve done, thought or said. We just need to confess it and accept this Gracious Love which is abundantly rich in FORGIVENESS AND GRACE!
Earnie Lewis 