There is nothing like meeting with your prayer warrior to find the focus on Christ one wants to always have right in front of him. And, most importantly, right within him. Lois, my prayer warrior is 93 years old and is such a saint of God. She needed a roll of stamps so I said I’d get them for her yesterday. She doesn’t drive any longer but she sends out an abundance of self-made inspirational cards to scores of people she still encourages. She says I encourage her, but there is nothing like the love I sense as we meet every couple of weeks. Her love and commitment to pray for those names I give to her, including myself, is simply divine.

God wants His Son Jesus to be the focal point of living each day while we are here on His earth. Helping others to find Jesus in their turmoil is an incredible opportunity. Lois is the person God gave to me helping me to not only find God, but keep Him in the center of my living life each and every day. How I thank God my Father for giving her to me. I call her my second mom and she says I’m her son. That makes me tear up, just writing this. GOD IS SO GOOD!

Yesterday I wrote in this blog about living in freedom. One of the realities of this I never expected was seeing sin as something one could turn away from. Give it back to the accuser who wants us to act on it. The sins of abuse to a child embed themselves in the very soul of the child making them believe huge lies about themselves. In these beliefs the victim comes to think the sin IS himself/herself. One cannot give away/deny a sin that you are. Otherwise the only way to get rid of the sin would be to destroy oneself. As much as I had wanted to do this, I knew I couldn’t. So, I asked Jesus nightly to take my life while I slept so I wouldn’t have to feel the pain of death along with the pain already inside me.

Last night a young man in his twenties came for the first time to our Celebrate Recovery. He came at the start of the dinner hour so I had some time to talk with him. In asking what brought him to our group I heard my own story being told to me by this young man. He had been raped and abused as a child by the son of his church’s worship pastor. This secret was kept within him until just a few years ago when he finally told the pastor and reported it to the police where no action was taken at any point. He then more recently had a nervous breakdown. Last night he told all of this to me.

This morning as I journaled I just couldn’t get this young man off my mind. God reminded me of His healing love and grace I found and that I was 58 when I came to CR. This young man is 28. He has many years of the opportunity for “living in freedom” I didn’t have because I kept mine in secret much longer. I pray HOPE was seen last night for recovery begins when a glimmer of LIGHT called HOPE enters the picture!

Over the years of writing this blog I have addressed where my book ends, Finding Freedom and eventually finding within me the assurance that I can now Live in Freedom. When I was young and living through the years of abuse, I lived in a world that only existed in my mind. This world was one where I had only good and I was doing only good. As I thought I’d stepped into this world of fantasy by entering college and was no longer home. I had thought the bondage of abuse would end. Little did I understand how the abuse would only change from physical, sexual and verbal abuse to the haunting abuse of Satan’s deceptions in my mind and emotions. It turned into beliefs. After graduation from college and marrying, I thought this would be the start of the freedom I sought to find, only to realize there was now even more bondage. Finally, I concluded God just didn’t love me as scripture said when this marriage ended. I had tried so hard and for what?

The amazing lessons God has taught me from my twenties to now my seventies have been incredible. Living in freedom has always been accessible. I somehow needed to learn that hiding in secret was not the answer. It fed the belief I was of no value to God. Living in freedom doesn’t remove temptations, the thoughts of shame and so much more. It gives me permission to talk about it and help others to do the same. No one needs to live in hiding as I did. Helping others step out and begin to see that the sun is shining outside the closet of shame/guilt/fear/anxiety…. is a beautiful part of living in freedom.

The Shining Son one finds outside of this prison (closet) is not the sun that scorches you and burns your skin. It is the Son who heals and restores you to Himself. I speak all of this first hand for this Son, Jesus Christ, IS the GREAT HEALER if we will only take the step of telling.

As I stepped into the lesson yesterday morning in the Every Man a Pure Warrior, I found myself completely overwhelmed with the content. This lesson bought me face to face with the ugliest part of all my past. It was about “my identity”. Those aren’t the words within the lesson, but they are my words describing it. The lesson’s focus was addressing wounds and triggers we face today. My longest living wound was what the abuse of my childhood left me believing about myself. I had to hide the fact that men were attracted to me, I must have female characteristics which men sexually desire, etc. This was all hugely reinforced in my high school years when dad would call me Hazel. Hazel was a TV program in the 60’s and she was a housemaid. This would make others laugh, but for me, it labeled me and made me think it was my identity to others. I could never let this be seen.

The temptations I was facing yesterday morning were driven I know by the devil knowing I would be doing this lesson. So, this morning I was up quite early and journaled for over an hour going back to the root of all this identity struggle. I was able to write it out and replace it with what I now know is the truth of my identity. The more I wrote, the more freedom I found. These lies are buried at the Cross. Satan was wanting me to question God’s healing in this arena which yesterday I was doing. This morning the questions were all answered with God’s truth in scripture. I am fearfully and wonderfully made and I can know this full well. Psalms 139:14. God brought this clarity into focus this morning and I tearfully PRAISE HIM for this!

There is a huge lesson here for each of us who struggle with who we are, our value to God and man. Don’t let Satan have another day haunting you with his lies. God has a healing waiting for you in this arena!

This morning as I awoke I began to be tempted with some old temptations I had hoped would be gone for good. Old lies began to surface in my mind wanting me to feel helpless and unable to withstand the temptations or to believe what I have been helping others to believe for themselves.

As I started my devotions I got the worship music playing in the background and began to journal confessing these temptations. I wrote a little more regarding some other things on my mind and then did what I daily do–asked Jesus what He wanted me to know for today? He instantly told me to do just exactly what I tell others to do–follow the plan: worship, warfare praying, confess wounds/triggers, amputate, quote scripture, contact my sponsor and pray. As I took each of these steps the temptations faded and then disappeared. Instead of panicking and letting my mind run rampant as I’ve so often done in my past, I listened and obeyed.

As I finished my journaling Jesus reminded me of something I tell others, “It is one thing to know, it is a completely different thing to experience.” Knowing something can be easily sat aside because one can simply say that this doesn’t apply to me. When one has experienced what one knows, it becomes real for them. Following through on “the plan” this morning was an experiential moment. It is real and I thank God for His Grace and Mercy. How I love HIM!

The majesty of God is so overwhelmingly wonderful, I can never begin to wrap my mind around its fullness. I write a blog as in yesterday and then in so doing I see a flicker of God’s Light shine through reminding me that “He has this”. Trusting and obeying is my reminder once again.

As my journey continues I get to watch God transform the lives of ones in my own family as well as those in my spiritual family. I am most amazed and humbled to see Him doing this for me. He loves His children equally and so often I am reminded to “let Him do this–love me”. I spent a lifetime trying to earn a love that was never to be earned, but accepted. It is a joyous reality to enter into the world of “accepted love” from God our Father.

This morning I am overcome with the sadness of decisions. I went to the courthouse in Boise early yesterday morning to be present for a relative who was being sentenced. It was grievous to see her daughter listen and weep as the judge outlined the sentencing. As I returned home I listened to a client tell of her story of childhood sexual abuse and later rape from a friend. I was then called by a client who needed to talk about his forthcoming divorce and wife’s affairs.

As I was reading my devotional and scriptures the emphasis seemed to be on weighing carefully the decisions we make and the placement of God in them. Where is God when we need protection from someone, when we are at risk and helpless, when someone we love is seemingly out of control, when we promise to do better but that doesn’t matter at the moment?

As I write this I know full well that God is sovereign. I cannot know all that He knows and that is where Faith/Trust comes into play–fully into play. Over the years I’ve struggled so deeply with the above questions and even more of them. Yet, in time, I’ve experienced the overwhelming love finding freedom of past decision’s bondage where the devil’s evil had the stronghold. Helping someone let go of what is not theirs and taking steps where they ought is truly a “one day at a time” assignment. God gave Himself the name I AM and where I AM is found is always today. Lets find God Today and let go of what is not in today. Trust that tomorrow He will be in it as He is in today.

There was a young man in our Celebrate Recovery group who gave his testimony last night. He had shared it with me a week ago and had gone from our meeting to his home inviting his father to come. He made two trips to their home over the week to encourage dad’s attendance. Well, dad didn’t come. This young man’s mom had a stroke several years ago and cannot be left on her own for any period of time. Dad made this his priority over attending. There are a number of things which could have taken place allowing dad to come, yet he chose to stay home. This young man’s heart was broken as we met in small group following his delivery.

My heart aches for him and his dad. Someday his dad will see these wounds he is leaving behind. Of course I understand his reasoning for in many cases he is justified. Yet, if he could see his son’s tears of disappointment, he would rethink. This morning I simply prayed for this young man, his dad and this young man’s brother who also attends our CR. There’s a restoration of family that is yet to heal itself and I pray this will be soon. God is all about loving, healthy, supportive families. To Him be all glory!!

Last night I got to experience just what I’d written about yesterday. The last session of last night is our weekly step study group. We are prepping for each one’s inventory where they are to acknowledge where they have been hurt and the damage done to them. Along with this, one must acknowledge the hurt they have done to others and the specifics of it. One of the questions we address is what damage done to you or you’ve done to others is in denial? Later, the question comes out about damage done to others. One gentleman said to this question of his damage to others, “It is painful going there though I know I must”. We then talked about the ugly memories he must face and how he has kept them in denial so he wouldn’t experience the pain of doing so. As I shared my journey in this arena, he said, “I want to know this freedom”.

What a privilege it is to be at this place in my life where secrets are no longer secrets. Instead, they are tools of God’s Grace and Love shedding Light into another’s darkness. The darkness is dispelled and the Light gives Hope where there has never been hope. I believed for way too long that I had to keep my past in secret in order for me to have any hope of a “successful” life. Little did I know during all those years how much God wanted to give me a freedom I had no idea about. Today though, I just want to glorify Him for the chance to be a messenger of His Light!