Today is a new day.  Yesterday I talked with Kathy to get her assurance that she is with me fully in moving forward with this new ministry work.  I also met with my accountability partner to go over my vulnerability entering into this arena and where I need prayer and accountability.  It is striking to sense the support God provides us once we take that step of obedience–breaking the silence of hiding–and tell the truth of what one is experiencing.  God isn’t telling us to take these steps as suggestions.  He created us to need Him and to need the support He provides us with one another.

Tonight is our “Blessings” night for Celebrate Recovery.  Every since we began this ministry 9 years ago we have taken this night in December to give a blessing to one another in our group.  Now that there are 45-55 attending, it takes longer, but it is so touching.  The blessings this year are scripture promises throughout the Word.  It will be the first time we’ve used scriptures for the blessing.  Now that we have taken this step I wonder why it took 9 years to stumble into the importance of giving a blessing through the actual Word of God?  Well, another show of humanness I guess.

Last night ended our 7-Pillars class for men overcoming sexual addiction.  It is good to have this completed and we are working to now see how God is wanting this work to weave into the new recovery classes we will be starting.  This is where I need to have help separating my passion/will to know God’s Spirit’s leading.  I am giving the outline of work to 3 others tonight so they can pray over it, read it and meet with me Sunday afternoon to discuss what the Holy Spirit is confirming in their spirit and what is not being confirmed as of yet.

I started reading Acts this morning.  The very first lesson to be learned from chapter 1 seems to be “waiting on the Holy Spirit”.  Our human work is quite futile when God is not in it.  I will wait and thank God in the wait for what His Holy Spirit is preparing for us to do with Him.

Yesterday I wrote about how much God is in control and how He orchestrates His Work if we only will quit trying to do it ourselves.  Today is no different.  I awoke early today first because I’m headed to work in a little bit but also because I needed to process a great deal with God before I headed out.  It seems God is placing me in a position of leading our church’s recovery ministries and it is going to formalize as we go into the new year.  There is little difference about anything on the outside.  It is more about accountability and communication chains for those working within it.  As I awoke this morning it was about a lot more than this.

As I began my devotions all I could think were the fears of stepping into this.  Old voices were screaming:  “You’re only doing this to find your importance in your old age.  You couldn’t do this when you were young, why do you think you can now that you’re old?” “You are still human with so many flaws it is embarrassing to God’s Kingdom Work.  Quit gratifying your ego and let God lead His Kingdom Work.”  These are a couple of the fears I had screaming.

In yesterday’s message I wrote that in the book of John Christ gave the disciples power to forgive sin.  These fears acted on would become sin so I gave them over to Christ this morning confessing the paralyzing effect they want to have on me.  I’m also writing them here to confess my humanness to any reader.  God is bigger and so much more powerful than any fear once they are surrendered.  I need to build a stronger team of support in this arena and I’m also going to address this today.

When I started this blog  a year and a half ago I never thought I’d be writing such intimate stuff yet this is where the journey is taking me.  Thanks for being part of it with me.

Why is it that when God is visibly working I am always amazed?  Yesterday, after church, I had our Celebrate Recovery leadership monthly meeting.  It had much packed into it with a couple items I thought would be rather controversial.  I was simply impressed and amazed at how smoothly everything went.  Instead of controversy, there was support and willingness to be in prayer.

This week’s schedule has much in it regarding work and ministry need.  I’ve already been in touch with the pastors at church I need to meet with before I take any more steps with ministry development and they can meet later this morning.  I could hardly believe how easy this was to get set.  Of course, God reminded me that this is His Work I’m talking about and why am I amazed that He is taking care of all details?  I have to admit again that there is a lot of humanness in me and my behavior.

Today in my scripture reading I found myself needing to reread the chapters in John about Christ’s crucifixion and His rising again 3 days later.  He told His disciples in follow up meetings with them that He gives them the power to forgive sin.  John 20:23.  He goes on to say in the same verse that if we retain the sin of anyone, they are retained.  This is they key to the freedom found in coming to Celebrate Recovery for me.  Not only did I find a safe place to finally speak the truth of my past and its damage to me but I was also led to go back to the professional counseling and therapy which enabled me to go to the roots of the damage the abuse caused.  Now in reading this verse I am able to see why Christ told the disciples what He said.  They nor we can ever have the freedom Christ provides if we do not forgive the sins done to us or around us.  When we hang onto the hurt of sin we hold onto its bondage  to us.  That is exactly what I was doing my whole life in trying to hide it and wall it off from my own feelings.  My recent encounters with both my mom and my dad have continued to show how much freedom Christ wants me to have.  I am just amazed at this truth.  Thank you Jesus for the work You have done and continue to do as You daily enlighten us (me).

I am still greatly impressed with the reality of what I wrote in yesterday’s entry.  Dwelling in Christ is amazing.  As you read through the book of John he often portrays and speaks of the peace Christ offers.  Christ, Himself, tells us that it is in Him we find peace.  I remember a couple months ago telling in my blog about staying in the eye of the storm or hurricane.  In the eye there is a calm even though the storm is raging all around you.  Well, the idea of stepping into the eye of the storm rather than fighting the storm is what Christ is asking me to now do.  I simply step into Him–dwell in Him.  When I do this He is in me and there is immediate peace.

I worked yesterday on some material organizing for some new ministries we will start at our church in the coming year.  I called my brother-in-law who came last October along with the director of the program I’m using to guide our development.  They participated in the conference we held on Hope for the Hurting.  I almost immediately go into a sense of panic inside as I address this.  However, taking the work one day at a time, always shows just how doable it is.  Also, reaching out for help also gives great assistance.  Part of dwelling in Christ is the full awareness that I can only do this in the today.  As soon as I go into the tomorrows I begin the panic.  That is exactly what was happening yesterday  until I stepped consciously into dwelling in Christ.  I let the tomorrow go.  I’ve already had to do it this morning a couple times.

Satan has tried to plant seeds like, “You’ll soon be back where you were,   you’re older and can’t retain what Christ is telling you these days.”  I told him I was going to trust Christ because I knew He is bigger than my forgetfulness.  I know I’m rambling about this, but I do so hoping it helps any reader build confidence in Christ and dwelling in Him.  He wants to be our best Friend and Guide as well as our Savior and Lord.

This morning as I’ve had my devotions I’ve been stricken by a verse I seem to have overlooked.  It is found in John 15:4.  It says, “Dwell in Me and I will dwell in you.  Just as no branch can bear fruit of itself without abiding in the vine, neither can you bear fruit unless you abide in Me.”  This verse is very familiar to me.  I’ve wanted to abide in Christ all my life and bear fruit for Him.  However, what awoke in me this morning are the first three words–“Dwell in Me”.

Have you ever pictured yourself inside something?  The second part of this passage says, “…and I will dwell in you.”  This is the part I’ve always pictured and struggled with.  I’ve tried to see Christ living in me.  I’ve blogged about this numerous times.  Today, I get what Christ is wanting me to get grounded in.  It is this first step, “Dwell in Me”.  If I dwell in something I stay there.  We say it is a dwelling place.

As I was journaling about all of this after completing my scripture reading I was able to recognize something.  I’ve always been uneasy and insecure about taking myself into almost any situation.  I don’t have a lot of confidence in myself.  I’ve had people tell me I appear confident, but that is just a façade.  Inside, I am often on pins and needles.  I have “tried to picture Christ in me,” but I’ve just not ever thought or pictured me being in Christ–dwelling in Him.

All of this may sound trivial to you, but it is huge to me.  As I was pondering this (visualizing this) I could see me stepping into Christ where there was perfect peace.  It is then that the 2nd part of the passage becomes complete.  It says, “Dwell in me and I will dwell in you.”  There is a deep settled peace I’ve often missed by not being awake to this.  I’m going to be far more aware of this truth from now on.  And one more thing, after reading this and taking this step, go back and read chapter 14.  As I read this chapter picturing myself in Christ, I was able to believe (see as possible for me) what it says.

Today is my baby sister’s birthday.  Sounds funny to say this because the “baby” sis is in her 60’s.  However, in a family, if you’re the baby, you will always have that role no matter what age you are.  Happy birthday Polly!

Yesterday afternoon I picked up hearing aids I’d had fitted a couple weeks ago.  I wore them until bedtime last night and have them in now again.  I was going to make a joke about hearing God much more clearly now that I can hear all those higher pitched sounds that made hearing younger voices difficult.  However, this morning I had a different message from hearing God He is wanting me to learn.  I’m reading the book of John in my Bible.  John is often referred to as the Gospel about Love.  It is here that Christ makes it clear to His disciples that loving is serving.  Jesus modeled this well by not only being their teacher, but even washing their feet, serving them food, as well as astounding them with wisdom and teaching.  As I was reading this morning I was nudged by God’s voice to pay particular attention to this message.

I’ve been working with two schools in a neighboring school district piloting a process the State Dept. of Ed wants to enact fully next school year.  This process is to help schools better meet student learning needs by building a climate for learning, using instructional practices that support student learning, and using curriculum that benefits students to know what the working world they will enter needs them to know.  There is more to this, but this is a healthy chunk of it.  This project got started late  this fall due to some circumstances so I need to make every minute count when I’m with the schools and their district office.  This morning God reminded me that no work is as important as helping people know they are valued and loved.  This is a critical piece to learning about Jesus Christ.  It is so much easier to be surrendered fully to God when one realizes just how much He loves us and will never lead us astray.  This morning God was pointing out to me that my best bang for the buck will come from me taking the time to let the schools know I am there to serve them and model ways which will help them serve the children coming to them.  These biblical principles are as critical today as they were when Christ first modeled them to the disciples a couple thousand years ago.

So, my hearing assignment is not a joke.  God is wanting me to hear and respond to His nudges about building a trusting relationship with these folks supporting them lovingly, yet providing Godly wisdom.  OK, I’m going to work on being a mighty good listener and responder.

It is always good to get home.  In so doing, I’m hit with the responsibilities I had escaped for a couple days.  In teaching last night’s Celebrate Recovery lesson I had a few things to learn which God has been keeping in the forefront wanting me to grab ahold of them.  One of these ties to believing and the other is about surrendering.  If I am to believe that God is Almighty God, I cannot try and determine which things God is Almighty about.  He is to be Almighty God in all things.  Secondly, if I’m surrendering my will to God, I cannot pick and choose which “will” I need to surrender and which time I surrender it.

I Thessalonians 5:18 says:  “In everything give thanks,….”  I have stayed in control or tried to stay in control of things in my life just as soon as I could take charge of them.  I wasn’t letting dad rob me of my joy one more time.  Now I am finally learning that the robbing of joy was because I was letting the deception of Satan influence me.  I was letting circumstances control joy in my life.

Last night’s lesson was about Action.  I told the group I thought it was my perfect lesson for me to teach because taking action is always easy for me–Earnie’s action.  However, my learning was about what action I am to actually take.  I was so glad when I got to college and could begin to finally take my own action without dad’s overriding influence and commands.  I wanted to do God’s nudges but I also spent my life only doing those which felt safe.  I would worry and fret over ones God would nudge me to do for fear someone would find out about who I really was.  I’m finally learning that living one day at a time completing just what God wants done in that day is what God is saying.  To let my mind go into the fears of tomorrow or the worry of the past is acting on Satan’s deceptions.  He will influence my mind into believing what isn’t even true.  Thus, he robs the joy of living one day at a time with God my Father.

I’m going to be spending time making this more of a habit.  I want my action to be that of surrender rather than acting on my own will and listening to deceptive lies.

This morning’s devotion started with the devotional entitled, “The Ability to Change”.  It is written by Charles Stanley.  This is my second year to use his devotional but it was as though it was my first time to comprehend today’s message.  It mirrors in so many ways the “believing” message God has been wanting me to see and know.  I don’t usually quote someone’s entire message in my blog but today I’m going to do so as it is so fitting for me.

Galatians 2:20–“It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me.  So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

“Are you amazed at the sickness of our heart–the way it strays from  God’s Word, doubts His promises, and wavers during difficult situations?  Do your efforts to reform your behavior fail repeatedly, discouraging you again and again?  It may be that though you trust Jesus to save you, you don’t really have faith that He can transform your life.  And so you work, wrestle, and strive to do it yourself–all in vain.

Friend, the Holy Spirit is both willing and able to produce the character of Christ in you–not through your effort, but through His transformative power.  Your job is to abide in Him, which means staying focused on Jesus, submitting to His leadership, and seeing the details of your life as coming from His hand for your instruction.    You cannot change yourself–but God can.  And once you learn to let Him transform you, you will have the key to living a truly victorious life.”

I have such an awful habit of trying to achieve on my own forgetting until later that I can simply abide in Christ and let Him fight the battle.  Today I’m going into believing with more substance.  The substance is the belief that Jesus has transformed me already and I will abide in this truth not having to shift into me fighting.

If you read yesterday’s blog you know already it was a big day for me as far as recovery steps go.  I left home and needed to drive 2.5 hours to get to the destination where I’m working through tomorrow.  It gave me ample time to talk with God and to process with dad so many things I needed to simply process and then let go of.  The crazy thing is that last night I had this rather intense dream which included dad.  He wasn’t this amazing man in it.  In fact, he was much like he was when he was alive–dominant, stubborn and well, just like he was in real life.  The thing that left me rather stumped was that I wasn’t submissive to him in the dream.  I spoke up to him and spoke just what I wanted to say.  He didn’t offend me and put me down either.  When I awoke to the dream, I just pondered this and am still doing so.  The other thing that’s hitting me is the fact I do not  ever remember dreaming about my dad until last night.  I don’t know if there is any significance to this, but it is what it is.

As I was having my devotions my bible reading had me reading in John.  Jesus was telling the man at the pool to believe and get up and walk.  This is in John 5: 1-9.  Joyce Meyers says she struggled many of her adult years with believing.  She was an achiever and she excelled in this arena.  God, however, wanted her believing.  This is exactly what I know God is wanting from me–believing.  I too have been an achiever all my life.  I had thought achieving gave value.  We all know this story.  Putting the substance to believing is still somewhat of a mystery to me.  I had a 2.5 hour meeting Sunday afternoon with 3 others about the new recovery ministries we wish to start.  I was wanting to get them going the first of the year.  However, everyone in the room felt I was pushing them.  I look at it today and see I was wanting to achieve.  I need to spend time believing God already is preparing the leaders and He is likewise preparing me to be leading His way rather than my way.

I’ve got much to learn about believing but today I am believing I can be a strong believer!  I’ve already started by writing in my journal that I am a believer who believes.  I’ve got to say this several times today so I can practice living it.  Join me if this is something God is nudging you to also do.

Today is a quiet victory.  As yesterday was beginning for me, I had arisen early and had read my devotional and my Bible.  I was getting ready to journal when the electricity went off.  It flickered 3 times and then stayed off for about 1.5 hrs.  We live close to our church so I was afraid we would have huge issues having our last production of the Christmas program which was at 10:00 am.  The power resumed at 8:30 so all was well.  As I experienced the program one last time I felt once again the deep remorse (need) to settle once and for all the hurts deeply imbedded in me from dad and my childhood.  I didn’t have time to think about it during the program nor afterwards.  As soon as it ended I had a meeting scheduled with 3 others organizing steps to be taken for our expanding recovery programs at church.  As soon as this was done my quartet was singing for a gentleman’s 80th birthday party.  When I got home about 4 pm I needed to pack and prepare to leave this morning for central Idaho where I’m assisting with a federal program review for 3 days.  Then this morning arrived—-.

As I was having my devotions I felt God nudging me to address the deep remorse I’ve felt each presentation of our program and all the different times I’ve practiced it on my own the past few months.  So, I did.  I journaled to dad telling him how much this boy in me wanted to know his love and support when I was actually a boy.  Instead I was given such criticism and even beatings for being who I was then.  I had a huge emptiness inside which wanted to give and receive love.  (I knew dad had died a Christian and had lived as a born again Christian.  Yet, I despised so much about him.)  If you’ve read my book you know the story about dad telling me he wanted me to write the book letting people know he didn’t do his job as father well.  Somehow, even though I knew all of this, deep within I still ached to love my dad.  So this morning I was able to tell dad all of this and that I not only longed to love him, I did love him and I forgive him.  With all of this I let go of the entire past hurt to God Almighty, Jesus my Lord and Savior and The Holy Spirit.  They can do with it only what they do when we finally let it go.

As I asked God what He wanted me to know from Him this morning, He said, “Earnie, now you and your dad can both live as new creations today and henceforth.  You can know your past and use it in the ministries of recovery but this past hurt and agony can now be a powerful tool for you rather than a sense of shame which you need to tell but desire to still hide.”  I wept at this point.  I know I need time to let all of this sink in fully, but I am freer than I’ve ever been as I write this.  Praise God and His Three in One Team!