Today I awoke with a very anxious spirit.  It all started about 2:30 am but I would go back to sleep off and on.  When I did get up I couldn’t shake it.  My Bible reading is in Psalms presently.  Guess what it said to do? Bless the Lord, Praise the Lord, Thank the Lord!  It seemed the entire message of the Psalms this morning was about praising God for what is before me.

As I got to my journaling the puzzle in this began to take shape.  I asked God to help me see the reason for the anxiety.  Some of it seemed only natural.  Last night I was contacted by the one I co-lead a step study with. He had relapsed with his area of sobriety.  This would mean I need to get a different co-leader.  Secondly, today I meet about the work I’m doing with one of our pastors to build a stronger sense of connection between our ministries of our church.  I also had a big setback with the Aslan project yesterday.  Lastly, I meet tomorrow with a couple folks about the weekend conference our church is doing on Hope for the Hurting.  This was the only one I was excited about rather than anxious.

As I began to take these one at a time I began to see what I believe God was wanting me to be awakened to.  Each of these items I started doing with much eagerness.  I’ve always been a person with a lot of adrenaline.  However, God began to show me how this energy was belittled when I was young.  It got to the place where I would be anxious instead of eager.  All the energy I wanted to expend on a project would be crippled with insult and ridicule–I only wanted to do these things to get a “big head” I was told by dad.  Celebrate Recovery calls these character defects when what is natural gets turned into what is unnatural for human nature.  My thinking about projects brings about anxiousness instead of eagerness for fear it will fail or be only about me instead of completing God’s Kingdom Work.  It was good to see this clearly.  I use to think my anxiousness was a flaw in my person.  I realize now it is a flaw in my thinking.  What God wanted to use as a signal for me to spend time getting the work of a project down thoroughly, Satan wanted to have me think I’d blown it again.  I am simply flawed.

The work we do for God’s Kingdom is always under attack.  Don’t hide the attack, bring it into the Light of Jesus Christ.  I think we will see great truth when we do.  Tell someone you trust about the attack.  This is a good way to see the Light of Christ’s Truth.  How I love Him for this.

Yesterday’s living out the day was one of spirit awakening.  It seemed much of the day had “spirit” written all over it and within it.  Maybe all days are to be this way but it pronounced for me in yesterday.  Our choir is something I love and enjoy in practice on Monday nights and on Sunday mornings when we sing for God’s glory.  Our director is someone who is able to bring the spirit of a song to the forefront of a performance.  I love her for this gift.  Yesterday was a perfect example of this and I found my own spirit connecting to this.

The sermon of our pastor was alive in spirit yesterday too.  I usually listen with a mind ready for learning but I kept finding my spirit nudging me with thoughts and actions to take I haven’t experienced.  Our monthly Celebrate Recovery leadership meeting was yesterday following our 2nd service.  God nudged me with something He wanted done in the meeting and it was met with great approval by the entire group of 18 people.  I was amazed (but shouldn’t be).

Our step study lesson was Action.  Every response to questions was for me about taking action regarding my spirit (my inner self).  I have always wanted to complete action with things I can see outside myself.  That is where I’ve been able to determine worth of action.  However God is clearly wanting me to see worth/value from inside myself.  My spirit is waking up somehow.

This morning I’ve been up since a little after 4:00 am.  God has had so much to show me.  One of those is reaching out to some men who expressed their struggles to me yesterday.  In times past I’ve wanted to step into the problem with them.  However, God is showing me that He wants me to give emotional support to them.  HE wants to step into the problem with them.  Let my emotional support be such that points their problems to finding God’s solutions through Him–not me.

Well, this is day one of being a new creation that is awakening to living spirit-filled.  It makes intrinsic worth something to ponder differently than I ever have before.  To God be all Glory!

Last Sunday I missed the step study lesson our group did.  It is called Turn and it focuses on turning your will over to the control of God.  Today’s lesson is Action.  It is focused on taking action on what God has for you to do.  These are simple definitions and for the most part I’ve live it as such for the past 9 years in my life application of the lessons.

This morning as I was going through them in preparation for today I had a real awakening.  God has been working with me a great deal in helping me build intimacy with Him.  In the lesson on Turn we are to turn our will over to our Higher Power–Jesus Christ.  I’ve known this and it meant just that.  Today as I read this I was struck with the truth of my belief.  Jesus Christ’s power was getting me to heaven when I die.  His death and resurrection paved the way for this.  God, this morning, wanted me to see the truth of Christ’s Power in my day to day living.  The truth to this power is enabled by His Gift to us when we accept Him as our Savior and Lord.  This Gift is The Holy Spirit.

The Holy Spirit is within me and He communes with my spirit.  However, if my spirit is not fully connected within me I have little access to The Holy Spirit.  I’ve always kind of thought The Holy Spirit replaced my spirit.  Instead, I’m seeing that they work hand in hand when I am awake to my own spirit.  I’ve said many times that dad’s words were to kill that spirit of mine.  Somehow, he did a pretty good job.  I had blocked my belief that my spirit was profitable and I’d need to do a good job with whatever I was doing.  Also, my brother’s abuse only fed my worthlessness.  God’s Holy Spirit would build my value, I hoped.  A major problem with me was I had learned to not live in the present–it was too painful.  I lived in my mind in the future where all the pain was gone.  The Holy Spirit acts in the present however so until I found my spirit in the present, The Holy Spirit was more silent waiting for me to arrive here.

I’m not sure this is making good sense but I am awakening to a reality I want to understand and live each day.  So, I’ll likely be writing more in days ahead.  To God be all Glory!

Yesterday was an odd day reentering the day to day life of home.  I canned 40 lbs of green beans which profited 76 pints.  The ones I grew in my garden are being eaten by voles which I’m hoping I can eradicate before they do too much more damage.  Being so engaged in the canning I didn’t make connection with anyone except those that called or texted me.  Today is the day I will make connections with the projects (drama) of home.  I use the term drama because home always seems to have drama in it.  I try to see it rationally but it does drain me more than I realize for when I’m gone, as I was recently, I relax more thoroughly and get refreshed.

Today in my devotions I found myself not wanting to reenter some of the drama that awaits.  I was journaling about this with God when He seemed to say that I need to look at it differently now that we are intimately connected.  Always before I have seen drama as messes which man makes.  If I am asked to assist with it I do the best I can but I get emotionally caught too.  God, today, asked me to realize like I never have before, we are going into this drama together.  I am never alone as He is always with me.  When we do this together I am actually bringing Him into the drama.  I’ve not seen this as such until now.  When life is causing chaos it is not different than when the disciples were scared to death in the storm on the Sea of Galilee.  They awoke Christ and He calmed the storm.  The presence of God always calms the troubled storms whether they are in one’s mind or physically present.  Seeing that God wants us to be His calming presence gives vigor to the walk when one is heading into a storm.  Today I will do this as God directs.  How I love my God and Savior.

I just reread what I had written on the 8th, my last entry.  The past couple of days I was unable to connect.  As I look back on these past days I see why it is important to disconnect from man and connect more fully with God the Creator.  We got back home last early evening.  I felt like I’d been in a time warp.  It is so good to be disconnected for a short time so one can see differently what has been weighing them down and the weight keeping one from seeing what God has wanted them to see.

I found myself at Yellowstone thinking just how magical the place is.  Man has all kinds of evolutionary ideas about the “below the earth” development of the place.  But only God knows what it is truly like below what we see.  Then, this morning while it was still dark and I was having my devotions, God said to look up.  As I did I instantly realized that this minute spot on earth is almost invisible to the immensity of the universe still waiting to be explored.  There is so much to what God has waiting for us if we will just look up.  The issues of man are and can be overwhelming at times.  Looking up to see that this God of Creation has not only created us, but has a mighty plan for each one of us as we are able to find Him.

The other thing that is truly BIG to me this morning is FREEDOM.  Yes, our country’s freedom is immense and so appreciated.  However, I am referencing the freedom which comes only from the GRACE OF GOD.  This recent awakening God has provided me regarding the absence of mom’s intimacy and its connection to my thinking about my value to God and man seems gone.  I’m sure there are times when I’ll have thoughts of this nature again, but I now have the ability to tell its source where He can go for I am not alone any longer.  The intimacy of my God and Savior is also now my Protector.  I not only can claim this, but I now believe it fully as true.  It is true for you too if you ever struggle as I have all my life.  Take whatever time you need to work this through with God and seek help if needed.  The outcome is nothing less than a Miracle of Grace awaiting for you.

Yesterday God pointed out the significance of the term Selah in the Psalms. Today I see why.  As I was reading the Word this am it seemed to clearly define what God has wanted me to know for years. 

In Psalms 68:20 it says that God is to us a God of deliverance AND salvation and to God belongs escape from death (being set free). Later in the same chapter and verse 28 it says that God has commanded your strength (your might in His service and impenetrable hardness to temptation). It then goes on to say, “Oh God, display your might and strengthen what you have wrought for us.”

As I read all of this I couldn’t help but see so clearly what God has wanted me to know for so long. He didn’t just give me salvation, but He has wanted me to know His deliverance from the impenetrable hardness of temptation. My belief system was so confused and compromised from the abuses of my past and the absence of any nurture from mom. Yet, in spite of this, God’s promise didn’t change for me, He has waited for me to finally find the Truth of His promises. What I had thought could only die in me with physical death is now dead and my belief in God’s promise is alive in me replacing the lie Satan had planted so long ago. 

How much I want to help others find this freedom from the lies in their own beliefs of themselves. God has freedom awaiting. Celebrate Recovery says to not quit until the miracle happens. It has happened and I praise God’s Holy Name!

This morning God showed me a lesson I’m sure I’ve needed to learn for many years. It all started reading in Psalms and the word Selah. Joyce Meyer says the word selah means to pause and think about. She brings out that God wants us to read his word not just to know it but to let it sink into our inner being–our soul to impact our spiritual self. It sounds so odd but this is not new information. What is new is awakening to the fact that I’ve spent my whole life wanting to know Gods word and hoping it would impact my living. I’ve seen Selah lots of times in the Psalms. Now this one word has become a command–pause. 

How much I’ve needed to pause and let God speak to my soul. No wonder He wants to have the intimate relationship with us. Only in intimacy can someone reach into the guarded soul of our life. No wonder God tells us to guard how we influence little children. It says in Matthew it is better to be thrown into the midst of the sea with a millstone around our neck than to influence a child to do wrong. Little did I know how much I needed to trust my God and how much I didn’t until He has awakened me to this rich intimacy we are having today. He is the One True God. How grateful I am!  

We are in Yellowstone with our daughters family. This is fun. Yesterday I wrote how much I was stressing over all the work I was leaving undone at home. I said God had reminded me it was His work and not mine. I was to help Him, not to try and take it over. 

Today I see the beauty in serving God and being on His team. He is the One and only True God. He controls His Kingdom work. I don’t want to. I can relax and enjoy our time here. What God wants me doing He will have for me when I return. I do love that.

This is the Lords Day. Let us rejoice and be glad in it! 

Kathy and I will be leaving  in about 1.5 hrs for our Yellowstone trip.  As I was journaling this morning I was going over all the things needing to be addressed with Celebrate Recovery, Aslan project, another ministry work I’m doing with one of our pastors and….  Just like that The Holy Spirit prompted me to “be still”.  As I paused He said, “I asked you to join Me in My Kingdom Work.  That doesn’t mean taking it over.  Go on your trip and let this go because I’m not leaving it.  You can rejoin it when you return.”  Boy, did that jolt me into a reality I needed to hear and hold on to.  For so long I did everything I could to be “good enough” in all my work so I would be pleasing to God.  Now He is rerouting my thinking and actions so I remember always that the work is His and I am assisting Him with it.

As we are approaching the kick-off of a new year with Celebrate Recovery we always take a look at what has worked well, what needs some overhaul and what may need to be added.  It also is a time when many of the workers become tired and hope that there is someone to take their place for the coming year.  I have always become anxious inside with this time approaching.  I think I have to complete all these assignments in order for CR to be a success.  This morning’s message of God truly helped me see the sinfulness in my own thinking.  I don’t want to try and own the work I do for God’s Kingdom.  Now that I am much more awake, I want to be a good assistant and keep myself in that realm of believing.  All of God’s Kingdom Work, in man’s eyes, seems dependent upon man’s volunteers.  Well, I don’t have to be the one generating the volunteers unless God is nudging me to do so with someone.  His Holy Spirit is a far better nudger.    I’ll let Him do His work and I’ll do what He has asked me to do.  That is very freeing.  Now, off we go!

The fishing trip was a big success.  Everyone was catching fish the entire time.  The boys had a blast.  Last night before heading to a meeting for the Aslan project, I fixed the fish and the one grandson said, “This is rated #5.”  I’m hoping that wasn’t on a 1-10 scale–but I didn’t ask.

God is working with me and I see Him working around me.  Today I sense Him wanting me to complete an assignment He gave me a couple days ago.  A gentleman who, with all good intentions, dominates in a ministry area and has run off some people in a “less than godly way”.  I found, it was actually sent to me, an article that clearly states what he needs to hear.  I have a meeting with him this morning and I’m sharing this with him.  I have prayed for God’s Holy Spirit to be honored as I believe he doesn’t want to be responding to people as he does.  I do want to be obedient to God.

Most of today is prepping to go to Yellowstone Park tomorrow.  Kathy and I are meeting up with our Oklahoma City kids there.  As I say this I know I will be out of routine as far as posting here.  I will do the best I can as I know my journey doesn’t end just because I have a moment of fun in it.  However, we are looking forward to the trip.  I had mentioned at Celebrate Recovery last Wed. eve that I hadn’t been to Yellowstone for 49 years.  One man said, “That must have been when they called “Old Faithful”– “Faithful”!  We laughed and then I hit him.

God is so good.  Hearing and obeying is my assignment for today.  Hearing is the key and obeying is all about hearing throughout the day.  To God be all Glory.