I was quickly aware last night when Kathy arrived home that the timeline for the weekend I’d programed in my mind was not what would actually take place.  At least if any of it would take place it would need to be readdressed as to when it would happen.  It just takes a wife and grandkids to awaken grandpa that life is much bigger than what is his mind!

All of this seemed quite timely actually as only a journey with God is.  As I started my devotions this morning I was still wanting to manipulate the weekend’s time for me and my agenda.  My Bible reading in Deuteronomy was all about Moses’ last speech to the Israelites informing them of what their 40 years in the wilderness hopefully taught them as they were closing in on entering the promise land.  The footnotes in my Bible said that God has the same hope for us today.  He wants us to learn from our past to live unselfishly in the future–learn our lessons once and for all.  The selfishness I had in mind for the weekend got replaced without even talking about it.  I just needed to be made aware of my world including the rest of my family.  Maybe that’s a “man’s mind” but I told God I sure need help with this.  I wrote a couple days ago how I don’t like making contact with Kathy when she’s gone.  I’d rather talk when she returns face to face.  However, I realized this morning that it is the “not talking” that allows me to build these narrow thoughts which don’t include all they should.  I’m learning, but it is slow.

God is so patient!  He wants me to learn to use His patience.  I can only do this as I open myself up to the influences He wants me to be in constant association with, Himself, my wife and the others who are significant in my life.  I’m going to work on this.

I was up early today to meet with a couple of our Celebrate Recovery men.  It was amazing to sit in a restaurant and talk so openly about things that I lived all my life keeping a secret.  Now I use all of that to help others to not keep their secrets.  I always find it so amazing how God does this:  Takes our mess and make it His message.  He is an amazing God.  The one gentleman is wanting to co-lead our next step study.  He and I will do it together.  We met with his sponsor as he is still working to stay true to his own recovery and not fall prey to relapse.  God is so good in letting us help one another with things He is teaching us about the new creation we are and how to live in our new creation, not falling back into our old self habits.

Kathy is coming home today!  I think it is the first time in my life that I’ve been so looking forward to her return after being gone.  It just so happened to couple with my absence for a week and then her leaving as I returned.  There is much I want to process with her.  Some people talk on the phone to do this but I need to process face to face in order to do it well.  I even think this somehow ties to intimacy.  Processing info is important to me and I want to see the person I’m talking with.  Phone calls are fine for incidentals, but the substance of life needs a body present.

I have felt that God is taking me into deeper water of learning lately.  Learning to see where He is working so I can join Him is key.  I’ve always looked at things I’d enjoy doing or things I’m asked to do which I’d enjoy as a key element to knowing whether to do it or not.  These may still be true but the key is ensuring God is working in the activity and wants me there rather than me thinking I’m taking God into a project.  I want to do this well but it is new for me.  God is faithful all the time and I want to be more faithful in learning to follow Him and participate only where He is leading.

While I was in California with my sis I was contacted by one of the school districts I’d worked with.  They were wanting additional help for a new administrator they’d hired at their district office.  I spent yesterday with them and will again today.  I didn’t plan well for yesterday’s time.  I got up and had my devotions but didn’t allow time for writing the blog.  The State Dept. of Ed is conducting the work of yesterday and today and I was pulled aside by one of them wondering why I’d pulled out of some work I did for them a couple years ago?  They are redesigning the work and wondered if I had any interest in returning to assist in it.  My guts were screaming, “YES, I love doing this.”  However, I’m learning that God wants me seeking His voice, not that of my old self.  I want to be good at hearing God’s voice and doing the work where He is working.

This morning I couldn’t sleep with much on my mind additional to what I stated above.  As I was journaling and asking God how to know His direction for me, He pointed out that I’m being asked to assist in developing a new route for the work I’d previously done.  Choosing to participate in the work once it’s developed is an entirely different item.  I was amazed to see this clarity of purpose.  My instincts have always been to jump to implementation with anything I ever see or hear about.  I love doing the work.  Well, there is much work needing to be done in developing it too God is saying.  So, I’m going to wait and see what develops and see where God is actually working.  From there I’ll listen for the next step.  The serenity prayer says to take one day at a time, one moment at a time–I said this again in Celebrate Recovery last night.  It is always a good reminder of how God wants us to address life.

Getting back home for a few days has allowed me to reconnect with the 7 Pillars group of men.  It has also allowed me to get caught up with the two lessons I missed.  I started the lessons yesterday morning after my devotional time and had to stop.  It was too painful for continuing at the moment.  The lessons titles are “Warfare” and “Facing the Pain”.  I could see why the lessons required the activities to be completed, but even with my background of help, it was too much for one sitting.  At noontime I talked with the one teaching the lessons and he had good insight for me.  Today, as I just finished them I could see why they were needing to be completed.  The activities had me not only identifying the 10 most painful events of my past, but then I had to answer 3 questions for each one.  In doing so I was then able to see why some of those events still had some grip on me.  Things like my identity, how I see myself, how I think others see me, how I believe God has seen me, the value God places in me, etc.  Even though I’ve know to call all of these thoughts a lie, I hadn’t replaced them with God’s truth in every case.  Letting the truth of God’s Light shine on them was very needed.

This event in the lesson required me to turn from darkness I’ve run from all my life.  Instead of running from the darkness I turned and faced it.  Amazingly, in facing it the Light of God’s truth and understanding was shed.  I am so grateful to be part of this class and completing this curriculum which God has inspired.  Being a new creation in Christ only continues to take root as these assignments are completed.  I am so grateful!

How often have you said you wish there was more time in the day?  Today was to be one of them for me.  Having been gone for a week in the peak of gardening/planting season really brought on my drive to get everything done in ONE DAY.  God reminded me this morning that He has given me each day to do what needs done.  My rush to do is only me.  He is not interested in my rush to do my things.  He is interested in me doing OUR things.  I know He is good with my gardening passion.  He just doesn’t want it diminishing what He wants done specific to the ministry work.  Today has some of that in it and I’d love to neglect it to get my selfish gardening done so I can be selfishly content.  I write this and see just how sad this truth is.

Thee is so much opportunity to serve God when we intentionally look, listen and pray with spiritual purposes.  I don’t want what God shows me to do to be hindered by my selfishness.  I do have time to be gardening in this day.  I’ll simply extend what I could do if I had the whole day into work for two days.  That pleasure of completing what I love to do will be done in two days rather than one.  Half of pleasure in working for me is always about finishing well.  So, I’m telling myself I am not lazy because this work took two days.  I am taking time to do what God wants done also.  I think that pleasure will be far greater in God’s eyes as it is completed.  There is nothing like seeing the smile of God when HIS WORK is done well.  That’s what I truly want to get done today and the rest of my life.

As I got into yesterday’s work I wanted to get accomplished, I was met with more frustration.  I went to my daughter’s home to mow with my grandson to have it start raining just as I arrived.  I told my grandson I’d be back after lunch and headed back home to plant the garden.  I got the rototilling done and was ready to plant but my garden rake was gone.  My oldest grandson had taken it to use at a friend’s house and hadn’t returned it.  I did get the planting done, got the lawn mowed in the afternoon and made it to the party late in the afternoon but still on time.

Today as I was journaling, I thanked God for His help–leadership yesterday.  He said that my grandson needed someone to show him how to tackle an overwhelming project–a lawn 18″ tall and get it mowed.  That is what I had done with him.  I was also needing someone to help me take the steps I needed to take so I could get what I wanted done too.  That is what God did for me.  He said that I had modeled for my grandson what He had modeled for me.  That was a big awakening because that is just what happened.  My grandson said as we finished the mowing that he really loved me.  He had waited too long and didn’t think he could do it.  He said, “Grandpa, you are not only smart, you are a great grandpa.”  Well, that was enough for me!

Today, I told God He was a great Father and I love Him!

Yesterday was a day of garden shopping.  Getting home from California at this time of year had me hopping to get all the plants for the vegetable garden and all the ones for the deck pots.  It took most of the day to get this done.  Today and tomorrow will be filled with planting!  I had called Bonnie to check in with her before leaving the house.  I wanted to see how she was doing but spent most of the conversation hearing how my older sis was doing.  We had taken her to urgent care the day before I left.  She has rebounded well and Bonnie was so pleased.  I then called my brothers here so we could all relax knowing things were better.

By last night I was spent.  The adrenaline of helping was all gone and I had nothing left it seemed.  My grandson called to say he needed help with their lawn as he’d let it get too tall before mowing it.  He’s a good worker when he works with you, but doing work on his own usually doesn’t happen.  Today he and I will get it done so he can take it from there.

This morning I was anxious and disgusted all at the same time and wondered how to get all I needed to do done.  As I got to my journaling I asked God to help me prioritize.  It was funny to hear what I’d be telling anyone who asked me–“take one step at a time”.  Relationships are always first and work will get done.  So, today I’ll start with my grandson and get that done and then I can plant the garden.  Tomorrow I can relax and do the flower pots.  By Monday I’ll be caught up and feel as though I was never behind.  I know all of this sounds trite, at least it does as I write it out.

I thank God for the tools He has taught me through the ministries of help like Celebrate Recovery.  Taking one day at a time, one moment at a time is one of those tools and I need these reminders often.

Today’s journey has me very torn.  Coming home last night was one time of only a few when I’ve gotten home to find myself sad to be here.  I always get home looking forward to getting the yard work caught up, checking on what’s growing in the garden and whats about to bloom in the flower beds.  Seeing the grandkids, reconnecting with the ministry work has always been fun.  Today, all I can do is hurt for those hurting.  God has already informed me that He is not absent from the hurt.  He has shown me that just like He has taught me to rejoice and learn from pain, He will do the same for Bonnie.

There is nothing like death to awaken the critical importance of living for God’s Kingdom purposes while we are here on earth.  We are so easily sucked into the events and activities of the day.  I am not the kind of person that will evangelize the world, but I do know God wants me to be a light of and for His Work.  I know too, to look with the spiritual eyes He has given me to see where He is working and then to join Him.  I do want to be far more awake to this as I live each day for my Lord and Savior–Jesus Christ.

I’m at the San Diego airport waiting to board my plane headed home. It’s been a time of tears, hugs, laughter, dishes to wash and all this repeated several times a day. I’m so glad I was able to come. Randy’s service will be on May 20 so we will return for it. It’s amazing to watch a helpless person gain strength one day st a time with Gods help and love. 

Several break throughs were witnessed in the past week. Even Bonnie’s two sons said they noticed their mom doing better than they’d expected. I know the grieving isn’t over but the process is bringing forth strength not known before because of Gods grace. 

It is nice to be going home but it’s more rewarding to know You have been doing Gods work with Him. 

Today is to be my last day with Bonnie before returning home in the morning. We got a call early and my other sis Alice needed to get to quick care. I went and got her. She suffers from anxiety and was truly suffering. We are at the doctors now and they are taking blood to run tests. I know God is in control. 

Bonnie is doing well. I am too.  Once we get Alice home we have several errands to run to get life insurance processed, etc. this Journey the past week has been difficult but rewarding. God is always good and I praise Him for this.