There are times when one just has to surrender all and simply let God do whatever He does in crisis moments. I had a call yesterday afternoon telling me that a cousin, son of my older brother Don, had taken his life that morning. My brother is a widow and his only son has lived with him these past years. No one suspected anything like this. He was a quiet man who had never married but seemed “OK” with life as it has been. Little do we know what troubles a soul when it is kept solely within. I’m grateful my cousin didn’t do this at home. He had driven a short distance away and the sheriff found him. Don’s daughter and family live about 30 minutes away which is comforting for Don. All of us ache for him and the rest of his family.

These times when the choice God gave to all mankind is used for such awful things, I wish God would change His mind and take it away. There is no going back and helping my cousin with his struggle/s. Now, only God can provide the comfort He promises when we come to Him. My brother and niece will be doing this. When I called him yesterday he was just in shock as we all were and are.

God is good and I trust and know that God will give what only He can give–Peace that passeth all understanding. Oh, God, I place them in Your Hands.

I will sometimes take a quote from my devotional to express what point I’d like to make in the day’s entry. Today is one of these days. I am one of those people who know perfection is something I will never complete in the flesh. Yet, in spite of this knowledge I am “sort of” driven to be as perfect as possible. So, when I read today’s devotional message I was struck with its clarity. Here it is.

GOD’S PERFECT WILL:

“When we read the word perfect, we ay be daunted by thoughts of having to maintain a flawless walk with the Lord, but that is not what is intended by the word there. The Greek word teleias that is used is better translated as finished, brought to maturity, enabled to reach the goal, or needing nothing for completeness. In other words, the Lord already has a comprehensive and trustworthy strategy for leading you all the way to the victory.”

When I read this I couldn’t help but sense a deep message God wants you and me to understand. He knows the weakness of our flesh and that’s why He gave us His Son Jesus. He is bringing us to maturity and enabling us to reach His goal and He needs nothing but our cooperation in order for the goal to be completed. We are on our way to VICTORY!

Church choir starts again today. As much as I enjoy singing in our choir and singing with worship as the times arise, I also enjoy the time away from this. Kathy and I get to drive to church together. These little things were no big deal in younger years, but they become little treasures as the years continue.

I had a very vivid dream last night where I was to sing a solo which in the middle of doing it, a beautifully voiced soprano in the crowd stood and sang with me at the ending of the song. (This wasn’t something planned). As we finished the crowd cheered her and I sat down ashamed. As I awoke from the dream I knew it was triggered by my anxious heart. Our quartet is singing for our Celebrate Recovery this coming Thursday as I’ve written earlier about. Satan is wanting to have a hayday with me regarding this. Somehow I know God is preparing my heart to know fully this is all about His Grace–and I do know this. I have struggled for so long thinking God could never be seen in my life if the audience knew my story. Well, this group knows my story best. Processing all of this with Jesus helps me see my need to turn my anxious heart into a believing heart. The songs we are singing are ones which give great hope and promise of God’s Love and Grace regardless of our past and/or present. I want people to find the freedom God has given me. Writing all of this makes it very clear why Satan is attacking.

Jesus is the VICTOR!

Today is day 2 of the covenant with Jesus to obey His Holy Spirit within me. I never want to turn my back on this but I also know I can never keep this covenant on my own will. It will be relying solely on the Strength of God’s Holy Spirit within me and renewing it each an every day. I have a post-it note in my journal so I see it as soon as I open it each morning. I will do this until the habit is in place.

As I go to my counseling appointment in less than an hour, I’m taking a book my prayer warrior Lois had me get for the young man I’m seeing. He is one who knows God and wants to serve Him, but he has been raised to believe that Jesus was just a good Jew giving good advice. Lois and I have been praying for quite some time for this young man’s heart to be curious about Jesus in such a way that he would want to learn more about Him. I’m praying this morning will be that time.

Secondly today, in the small group of men I meet following the counseling appointment, there is a young man there who is “giving up”. He had said last meeting he wouldn’t be returning. Last Thursday night I asked him to reconsider coming this morning. The lesson we will do hits squarely where his struggle lies. I’m praying also for him to be nudged to come this morning.

God never stops working. I’m praying to see a glimmer of His Brilliant Light as this morning moves on. I will praise God right now for what He is doing!

There is something most holy about being in the presence of God’s Holy Spirit. I know He lives within me, but this morning as I was journaling to Jesus and speaking to Him, He asked if I would be willing to sign a covenant with Him about what I had written in this blog yesterday? As I pondered this I became overwhelmingly convicted of my inability to make a commitment like this. It was then I heard a faint noise behind me. As I turned I could not see, but I knew an evil presence was there waiting for me to not commit to this covenant. He knew I could not in my flesh live up to it. Yet, Jesus reminded me with His Gift–The Holy Spirit–all things are possible. So, I told that evil spirit to leave this presence. There is no place for him. I commit to this covenant of living for Jesus, listening to His Voice and obeying each and every nudge He gives to me.

I know in my flesh I cannot do this. What I believe however, is that with this commitment and with The Holy Spirit within me, I can do this “one day at a time”. My battle belongs to the Lord. He promises this is true for each one of us who has committed to live for Jesus. God is so GOOD!

Even though today has no outside commitments in it until Celebrate Recovery tonight, I couldn’t sleep past an early awakening. There is prep to do for some counseling appointments in the near future, but as I went to bed, I knew today would allow for this prep. No matter, for some reason I was to be up earlier than usual. As my journey continues I find God challenging me to take a look at what I do and at what I know He wants me to do. The simple question arises, “Do they match?” Most of the time they do, but I am challenged to look at the time when they don’t. I’m rather certain there isn’t a person alive who doesn’t deal with this item.

It is easy for me to say I want to fully commit to God’s purposes for me. But, those moments come when I selfishly just want to do “my thing”. What will it matter, I ask? Then, I hear this voice ask, “Do you know what you missed by taking matters into your own hands?” Of course I don’t know. God wants me to trust Him 24/7 each and every day, and in so doing, obey each nudge I receive. That “peace that passeth all understanding” is found in obedience. I’ll keep working on it!

One week from tomorrow, the 15th, our quartet is singing for our Celebrate Recovery group. I have in the past worked to have a group sing for ours once each year. I’ve always tried to find a group that is already connected to another CR so their message/songs would speak directly to our own folks. I selfishly would overlook our own quartet even though I would periodically be asked why we didn’t ever sing? Well, this time we are and I now have to confess why.

I have said many times in the past that when I started to sing back in high school and then beyond, my hope was that this “never to be clean enough person” would find an avenue for which God would accept him. Singing would be the one thing the sin of me couldn’t touch making it as filthy as I thought I was. Our quartet sang for one of our church’s events a month ago and I was asked again for us to sing for our CR. This time I followed through and put us on our Aug. 15th calendar. But, in so doing the old “feelings/thoughts” returned. The problem is that our own CR folks know the real me story so as they see me singing with the other members, they know who I really am.

It isn’t that I don’t know the lie of what I’ve written, it’s the rawness of evil’s desire to destroy what I now know is true for Christ’s work in me as in everyone who accepts Him. Our quartet practiced last night and I confessed all of this to our group. We are singing to God’s Glory and I will be singing as the redeemed man Christ has made me to be. Yes, I have a past, but now, Christ has given me a new present and a beautiful future!

Yesterday was a remarkable day going so much better than I feared. No wonder God told me to put my trust in Him not fearing what the day entailed. All went very well.

Today is a big counseling day. With the new man wanting to spend a few weeks observing some sessions with willing clients, I am needing to talk to a couple of them to see if they are willing. This is an entirely new adventure for me. I deeply appreciate the need he has as I had exactly the same need only a couple of years ago. I on the other hand have not had anyone observe me so this is awkward for me also. But, just like everything else, I put my trust in God knowing He uses all things to His Glory and this, I sense, will be another one.

Growing into complete trust is more difficult than I would ever have thought. Yet, putting complete trust in our God is exactly what I want to do each and every day!

The morning began earlier than most, but for good reason. I awoke with a troubled spirit and couldn’t shake it. So, I just got up and started the coffee pot earlier than I had it set to brew. I took out my journal and began to tell Jesus about this troubled spirit I had. I asked if it were from Him or if it was an evil spirit? He then reminded me that The Holy Spirit always has substance to Him working with us. Satan’s evil spirits will simply try to trouble you but will not have something to pinpoint this troubled sense. I’ve known this to be true many times in my past. both distant past and more recent past. When I finished writing this out I was at peace. It was good to simply let it go and let the peace of God’s Spirit be known.

Today I face a situation I don’t look forward to doing. However, it needs to be done and so I will take care of it. I’m rather certain the ugly spirit sense I had when I awoke related to this, but it was all fear based, not based on any clarity. God’s Spirit makes clear what we are to do when He speaks to us. This sense I had earlier was as I wrote–FEAR. It’s comforting to have had this clarity shared as I wrote in the first paragraph. I can face this situation knowing I’m doing it with for the right reasons.

I went to see Lois, my prayer warrior yesterday after church. She told me I was her adopted son. Then she said that the beauty of adoption is that one gets to choose the person and she chose me. I got all choked up with that being said! I told her I was so grateful and I in turn chose her as my adopted MOM!

This morning I have been trying to picture in my mind what living in Christ’s freedom for us is truly like? What brought this about was the devotional message. Christ was telling his disciples that he wanted them to be one as God and Christ were One. As I journaled about this Christ was reminding me of all the bondage I needed to let go in order to be free to live in total freedom. I had lived for so long in the world of “not wanting to be like” that it was no easy task to shift to being the man God created me to be. I must confess that this still is a work in progress.

Our flesh will always be with us until it dies and we are fully free from the bondage of it. However, Christ offers us a freedom while we are still living in our flesh. As best as possible I want to be free to simply “be” what Christ’s Gift to me–The Holy Spirit–is offering. Moving from the “not wanting to be like” to the world of “being all Christ has for me” will likely be a process the rest of my life. But, it is one I never want to move away from.