Our flesh was never intended to be an ugly thing. Boy, did sin ever do its number however. I find myself spending so much time dealing with the ugly side of flesh when God intended for us to be free of this all. Choice was suppose to be a gift and I suppose it still is. However, the curse of choice has been with us a very long time.

I know that our decline is inevitable. It is sure difficult to watch and experience. The fact that it is directly connected to sin makes me hate sin all the more. The personal struggles I have with temptations are a small part of the struggle when this decline of life begins to set in.

Remembering to praising God in the midst of this is another huge item. If I look just beyond the struggles of today I see the arms of Jesus waiting to embrace as I give Him thanks for the freedom He gives–the peace that passeth all understanding. All I have to do is look up to Him and remember. These present struggles are only temporary He reminds me. How I love Him for this promise!

It is so easy to take this life of flesh for granted. Even though we have abundant knowledge about death and the decline of our flesh as we age, I find myself continuously learning new things as this reality of decline hit our home. Maybe we are all this way, but I just haven’t noticed how independent I am. I greatly enjoy independence, doing things on my own, fixing my own meals, laundry, finances, yard and garden and so much more. What I didn’t realize about myself was how much I expected everyone in my close family to be the same. Independence is a sign of health I subconsciously thought. Not until now when Kathy had her stroke did I realize I don’t want her being independent. I want her to need me and I want to be there for her in all of her needs. Even though the therapists said to let her be as independent as possible, I want to be a mouse in the corner making sure she’s ok. In all of this I also have yesterday’s message speaking to me–Trust and Obey.

I’ve just not had to combine trusting God with life’s deterioration until now. Even letting others into our home to be with Kathy while I’m counseling has been its own mental/emotional struggle. Sharing responsibilities is the right thing to do. Kathy enjoys her friends and family and I can trust them to recognize what she needs and when she needs it.

Today I’m gone for 7 hours–1.5 miles away. My sis-in-law will be here and Kathy wants this, God has already shown Himself in this. Now it is my turn to Trust and Obey. I’ve never thought of myself as a helicopter husband, but…! I will TRUST and I will OBEY.

Today will start the new schedule for living one day at a time. This includes the therapy sessions for Kathy and having family and friends come and be with her when I am doing counseling sessions. Last Saturday’s lesson from God taught me the importance of surrendering all of this to Him and trusting Him to be Lord of this too. I do trust Him and now, as the old hymn says, “TRUST & OBEY, for there’s no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.” I do truly know the importance of what this songs says. Needing to apply its message to daily living does take a moment. My flesh wants to grab ahold of this and hold it tight to me for Kathy’s protection. But, I know that this would only smother her and in the long run, I want to obey. Kathy and I will both be much more at peace when I do my part and let God do His.

Kathy and I watched our church service on line yesterday morning. The choir and worship team sang: He Is Worthy. I love this song! Our worship leader/choir director did the solo part. I couldn’t help but tear up as the song sang in my heart. I know that God is Worthy and I want to trust Him living out the obedience indicating that I do, for HE IS WORTHY!

My goodness, I logged into the site just now to post today’s entry and found I hadn’t done one yesterday. What does that tell you about this old grandpa?? I had an early phone call, counseling appointment and then a group session following it at our church. My youngest daughter’s frig had quit the day before. I had found a good used one for her so with help I quickly went to load the new one, remove the old one and replace with the new one. The help was another one of God’s blessings–even if one of them was a brother! By midafternoon things had quieted and I could relax. Posting this site had never entered my mind until I saw the absence of it this morning. My apologies.

The small group session yesterday morning has a curriculum we are using. It’s topic was praying and believing. It challenged me just where I was needing challenged–BELIEVING. Yesterday was the first day I was leaving my wife alone to go do this group and I was an anxious husband. Even though the therapists and her doctor had said it was the right thing to do, I couldn’t see it. Yesterday’s lesson reminded me where I had my eyes–on Kathy first and not on Christ as my first look. I also was needing help moving the frig for they are quite heavy. My brother had said I would need to find an additional helper. One of the verses in the lesson was ASK, SEEK and KNOCK. So at the end of the lesson I asked and immediately one young man volunteered. He and my brother were a perfect match for the help needed. I guess that should be no surprise when God is at the helm!

The frosting on the cake was my sister-in-law had come with my brother to be with Kathy making the absence worry free. I didn’t expect to come home and see a little bit of Christmas in our home’s decor. These little things are blessings God keeps bringing which remind me so much of His tender mercies. How I love HIM!

Well, December has come. With this month I’m reminded that the coming Messiah is about to come–our Savior, our Lord. Knowing all he was to experience in coming, he did it anyway!

I had this wonderful talk yesterday late morning with one of our pastors. He had experienced 4 years ago a very similar stroke to that of Kathy’s. Today he has little, if any, lasting effects of it. He realizes that his language processing skills are different for him, but for me, talking with him, I notice nothing different. I knew him well before the stroke and following it. Along with this topic, we talked about working with ministry. He is the overseeing pastor for our Celebrate Recovery, our Restoration classes and the counseling ministry we began 1.5 years ago. He helped me see that the TRUST and BELIEF I’ve had in Jesus Christ now has an added element to it–Kathy’s stroke. Can I trust Jesus to watch over Kathy and care for her if she’s here at home when I’m 1.5 miles away? Am I neglecting her if I trust Jesus to do this?

At this point in my life I not only live, but I also am very awake to the truth that living at this age, also is drawing nearer to eternal living. Will I TRUST during this time as I’ve done before it? I needed this conversation yesterday so I could realistically think this through. God is wanting to deepen the Trust I’ve had to now include the frailty of life at this stage of earthly living. It is a whole new chapter of learning to live fully trusting in this wonderful Messiah who has come!

This morning it seems that all of what’s been happening caught up with me. I slept an extra hour and even then that sense of overwhelm was hitting me. Just as God always does (and how He does it is still a mystery) but, the words of the devotionals and His Word spoke volumes to me. Helping Kathy, supporting her, being here for her is first and foremost. However, He doesn’t mean for me to abandon what He intends for me to do with Him in the ministry He gives. In my flesh I can get easily overwhelmed. However, God reminds me that in my flesh I am weak, but walking this path one day at a time, I have Him and His Almighty Strength within. The other thing too: He is so kind in letting me know this!

Yesterday’s therapy session for Kathy was wonderful in that the therapist was very thorough in assessing Kathy’s needs and helping us know how to support at home. I also expressed to her my concern about leaving Kathy alone if I continue the counseling at our church. She could easily see that Kathy’s walking was good and her stability is normal with no dizziness, etc. So when I expressed my concern she asked, “Do you think your presence would keep a second stroke from occurring?” Kathy had already told me she didn’t want me to stop the counseling I’m doing. She was ok being alone at our home for periods of time. I just couldn’t see doing this. I felt like I was abandoning her and her needs. The therapist simply said that Kathy could text me each hour with a word or two or just a smiley face indicating all is well. I am only 1.5 miles from home.

My insecurities were screaming at me this morning about what I’m to do. So when I was journaling I told Jesus all about these fears. He simply reminded me that I could trust the wisdom I’m given. He uses His people to give His wisdom. I didn’t need to question it, I just needed to follow it. Then in my Bible reading in II Corinthians 4, I’m reminded, “But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us.” Kathy’s earthen vessel has been damaged, but inside it is the treasure of God for which I love and God cares for. What a great reminder! I keep saying, GOD IS SO GOOD!

Almost all of the therapies are now scheduled for December with the first one this afternoon. I was very grateful they could work us in so quickly. There is one more to schedule and hopefully it will get done this morning. With Kathy’s sis here I will go ahead with some of the counseling sessions and rebook those that conflict with therapy for I want to be present for them so I can support at home what they are doing.

My morning devotion had a message that I once again wondered how God’s timing brought it out just at the right time. It said in part, “…The Bible instructs me to give thanks for everything. I see an element of mystery in this transaction–I give You thanks regardless of my feelings and You give me JOY regardless of my circumstances. This is a spiritual act of obedience–at times, blind obedience. Thanking You for heart-rending hardships can seem irrational or even impossible. But, I’ve learned that when I obey You in this way, I am blessed, even though difficulties remain.”

Today I thank God for all that is transpiring in my and our lives. God uses this to grow us and when I thank Him, I find the joy of peace that only He can offer when I surrender. Wow, God is AMAZING!

I feel as though this blog is turning into a reporting mechanism for my wife Kathy’s progress. She is stable and I’m attempting to get all of her therapy needs scheduled. Her sis is coming later today for the week which makes Kathy very happy even though you just see a smile and hear “that’s nice” from her mouth. It is amazing the emotions one feels when their loved one has this type of need. I want to take care of every need she has! Yet, this morning my devotional said, “Having needs doesn’t make one weak, it makes one human.” I don’t know how God orchestrates such timing as this, but reading these words this morning just brought me to tears. I was feeling that sense of being weak not knowing how to care for Kathy as she might need.

God is so AMAZING and I know I write this often, however, it is simply TRUE!

I’ve always thought I handle tragic moments fairly well. I seem to instantly steel emotions and jump into action that needs to be addressed. This has been true through my career in education and with family members who were critically ill or passed away. However, when someone you love–friend or family–ask how you are doing or you just hear their kind, concerned voice, I lose it.

I’ve always known my wife Kathy has been a gift from God to me. It is easy to love someone you know has been a gift like this. Love, on the other hand, has been something I’ve kept somewhat superficial when it is intended just for me. I easily love my kids, grandkids and many friends, but to receive it is another thing. However, these past couple of days have been a genuine awakening for me in both opening myself to love in showing it for my wife and receiving it from others who care.

God is just never done helping one grow more and more into the person He created us to be. I do love our Heavenly Father!