God is wanting me to let a root grow deeply into my belief and understanding. This root is the root of believing that all of His scripture is not only living truth, but it is living truth for me just as it is for each one of us. As I’ve been going through this 90 day experience for the 2nd time I’ve found myself going much deeper into each day’s message for growth in trusting God. This has been true until yesterday and I found my prayer 90 days ago to be just what yesterday’s prayer needed to be. I was stuck with my fleshly pride needing to be seen for what it is–selfish.

A line in today’s devotional was to not use our “idle time for idol time”. That line hit home. To use idle time as worship time to refocus me on Christ’s goodness and The Holy Spirit’s presence is this new root of believing. I don’t know why it has taken so long for me to see this, but I’m especially grateful that today I do see it. This is the “way of escape” God has wanted me to see in His Word in I Corinthians 10:13 that I wrote about yesterday. I can confess a temptation to my trusted friend and turn this time into worship time! This is the way of escape warding off the enemy–Satan himself.

I’ve written before (and I am doing it again today) that what we are told may or may not be accurate if the message is only coming from man’s wisdom alone. Two different counselors at two different times told me that I would likely have to struggle with the temptations of porn and all its ugliness the rest of my life. I referenced it, in my mind, to a thorn in the flesh as Paul’s writing mentions his own thorn.

As I began my journaling today I wrote to Jesus about this struggle. It has haunted me endlessly over my lifetime (and for good reason I understand). When I was in high school I read I Corinthians 10:13 for the first time. “…No temptation has taken you except what is common to man. …I will provide a way of escape for you….” The sexual abuse was still happening at this time of my life. I wanted to believe this verse but it just didn’t seem true then. My hope was that someday God would make it true for me. Well, the sexual abuse came to an end, but the ugly temptations never did. Thus, my reason for writing what I did to Jesus in my journal earlier.

As I read my 90 day devotional, its message was centered around the promise in I Corinthians 10:13. When I read it this second time I realized that God has provided my way of escape. I just don’t like to act on it. My way of escape is to confess the temptation as it hits, not after one has acted on it. My only obstacle is my pride. I hate admitting that I even have such ugly things run through my head. I want to be better than that. But, I’m of the flesh too and this proves it! So, I confess to my trusted accountability that my the temptation comes. In confessing I have found my “way of escape”. I will not act on a confessed temptation. This commitment I can make daily as God’s Strength is with me in my today.

I wrote yesterday about this new book and the struggle I began to experience as I was reading it. Well, that struggle did not improve as I continued to attempt reading it yesterday. What I didn’t do yesterday that I had done on Monday was let my sponsor know of the struggle. So, guess what my devotional message for today was in the 90-day devotional book I’m using? “Confess to the one you trust” when times of struggle/temptation hit. The confession brings the temptation/tempter into the Light of God where it must flee. The trusted one will also be praying for you. I’ve already confessed this morning of yesterday’s struggle. I know this book is very relevant or I would not be attacked the way this has hit. Thus, I’m going to persevere with the help of God Almighty!

The author of this book speaks to the need for a counselor to use common sense when counseling. This looks like taking what one has learned and specifically adapting it for the client’s need/s. She says that too often we simply do what the technique says to do and wonder why it wasn’t effective. She eludes to the need for the counselor to listen to the Holy Spirit’s nudges (definition for common sense) to adjust any tool to the client and to also only use the tool/s which the Holy Spirit inspires within you.

I can sure see this and I need/want to learn what this author has written. It may be a test for me to read through it, but I now know it is the right test for God is using it to better anchor me.

Growing as I realize I’m a new creation is truly a huge awakening for me. Yesterday I got a book in the mail I had ordered last week. During a meeting I had with the other counselors, I asked the two who are retired, licensed counselors, what could I get to help me understand trauma counseling better. I know what was used with me, but how do I apply therapy techniques appropriately and know which one/s to use? It was suggested I start with this book that arrived. My surprise in beginning to read it was how it impacted me.

As I began to read about the therapeutic techniques, my mind quickly went to the sessions where these were being used with me. In so doing I found myself becoming filled with all the old creation fears and temptations to escape them. I was stunned to find this taking place. I had to quit reading for a moment. In stepping away I recalled what my own counselor had told me when I first sponsored a man years ago who had a similar background of abuse as my own. I could hardly stand hearing it. As I got home I broke into sobs reliving this. I was in counseling myself at this time. I asked my counselor what I needed to do to prevent this from reoccurring and she asked me how I’d prepared for it? I said I’d thought getting help myself prepared me. Then she informed me of how she prepared herself each week for our own appointments. She said it was very hard on her to hear the ugliness of my own past and she needed God’s help to hear it and respond to it therapeutically.

Today as I read more of this new book I will be praying as my counselor taught me. The other big awakening for me is that I no longer am reading and learning as an old creation. I may get thrown back into this world for a moment but I don’t need to stay there any longer. I am a new creation who is learning how to live it out one day at a time! Thank You my Father God!

There are several things I’d like to write about at this moment, but the overriding one is this new creation learning. The idea that we know something is the start. Taking the knowing to believing is the huge next step. Then, the even bigger step is believing it is true just for yourself (me). Lastly, trusting that what I know and now believe, will happen–take place. Of course, when this starts I then see my need to “wait on the Lord”. The first thing my flesh wants to have happen is immediate results from the steps previously taken. However, God is never done teaching me steps of trust. Even writing this right now I find myself letting out a big sigh of relief. The first step of trust in this case for me is patience.

When we are told in scripture to “wait upon the Lord and He will renew our strength…”(Isaiah 40:31), we will never have our strength renewed if our waiting is done in impatience. Trusting God has been for me one of the most rewarding endeavors I’ve ever taken. It has been a slow process to completely trust Him and I’m sure I have miles to go in this arena. But, the farther I go, the more I want to go. Learning how to TRUST in every area of my life and then wait on the Lord is amazingly peaceful when it is accomplished. It truly is that “peace that passeth all understanding”(Philippians 4:7).

Living as a new creation and not falling back into the fears of my old creation will take the rest of my life. I am so glad to be on this side of the knowing and then believing and now trusting that it is genuinely true for me!

If you read yesterday’s blog you know that I wrote about putting new wine in old wine skins. If we do that we burst the old skins and lose the new wine. It just doesn’t work to put something new in the old. So, in spite of what I wrote yesterday as a lesson for me, I did it anyway.

Every other Saturday morning I meet with a group of 4 men who were having individual counseling sessions but I wanted them to meet together for accountability purposes and to know they aren’t alone in their common struggles. It has worked well. We started a new curriculum two weeks ago called Every Man a Warrior. A piece of the homework that now starts is memorizing scripture. After this group session I had a 2 hour program rehearsal for our Christmas choir production where I have to do some square dancing, singing memorized songs and memorize some speaking lines. All of these requirements of memorizing, public acting and dancing hit me squarely in my insecurities bringing out the old self fears. So, when I got home a little after lunchtime I just wanted to run and hide. Every temptation to self-gratify was hitting me.

This morning God brought me right back to yesterday’s devotional message. I allowed myself to fear what I need to do thinking I was going to do it as the old self I’ve been, completely forgetting I’m the new self He has made me to be. It was a needed lesson what took place yesterday. I can now see a huge difference and the reality is that “I can do all things in Christ who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13). Instead of panicking, I can just rest and keep my eyes on the promises of Christ my King! I simply do this one day at a time.

The bible I’m presently using in my devotional time is chronological and one-year so I will have read through it from Jan.-Dec. It has been insightful to see just how many times things are repeated in scripture when they are aligned in their chronological pattern. Today’s alignment had a significant message for me.

I just started the New Testament a few days ago. Part of today’s reading included the message of putting new wine in old wine skins. If the new wine isn’t put into new wine skins, the new wine will burst the old skin. The books of Matthew, Mark and Luke all tell this same message so in today’s reading I get the message in triple dose. (I needed to get it this way)! Somehow I’ve always read this as an interesting fact. Today, however, I got the real message. In everything Earnie does he does it as a new creation. This is a truth I can hang onto whatever God has put before me in the day. This Christmas program I’m a part of doesn’t need to shut me down with fear; because the counseling session is going going to be a tough topic–I don’t need to be anxious (and so many more), I am a new creation with Christ Jesus living in me along with His Holy Spirit. I’m a new wine skin with new wine in me. II Corinthians 5:17 says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old has gone, the new is here.” Today I don’t just know this, I BELIEVE it and I can act upon it no matter what is before me in the day.

WOW! What a powerful message this is for me today! God is SO GOOD!

I’ve written many times in recent months about the influence of the 90 day devotional book, Freedom Starts Today. Today is no exception. The message of today went much deeper into me than it did 90 days ago (which happened to be my birthday). The message was where I (we) find our comfort: pleasures, measures or treasures. The driver of these for me would be pleasures. I love to find joy, peace and contentment in life each and every day. If there are stressors, unresolved issues, etc., I will work to resolve them. But, if they continue I’ll seek pleasure outside of them and that has been where things like porn fit so easily.

Today as I read this message for the 2nd time it goes much deeper in meaning. Knowing that pleasure is my greatest weakness of the three is one thing, seeing that seeking pleasure in sinful ways not only brings great guilt to me, but today I see very well how it greatly interferes with my relationship with God, Christ and God’s Spirit in me.

I have greatly appreciated this book and I’ve especially appreciated going through it a 2nd time to not just learn the messages, but to bring the message into growing my relationship with the most important ONES in my life: God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit. This relationship deepening is its own “pleasure” that brings such JOY to my spirit.

As I journal of late I keep hearing the Spirit’s nudge to take a look at how well my soul is. He simply asks each morning as I write, “What do you want me to know from you for today?–“Is it well with your soul?” I always have to tune in with my soul at that moment. It is a quick and easy item to do for I instantly know if I need to clean up a situation I’ve put on hold or tried to suppress. Rather than doing what I selfishly want to do, I need to address the item. It is always the “right thing to do too”.

Today’s message to me in each of my devotional parts is TRUST. It’s focus is deepening my relationship with God, not with knowledge alone, but with Trust in what He nudges me to do. The more I respond to His nudges the more I realize how wrong I’ve been to question them or to just ignore them as suggestions rather than assignments.

The outcome of following God’s lead in my life has been so fulfilling in realizing His loving, patient and caring nature. Living for Him is a pleasure, never a threat.

Have you ever dealt with fear? You don’t need to answer that for I know we all have and we all do and we all will continue to do so. However, when dealing with fear, I am finding, it doesn’t need to own me–freeze me into a state of helplessness.

The topic of my devotions for today seemed to center entirely on fear. To be honest with you, I’ve hated this word all of my life. It did nothing but own me for much of it. I cannot ever remember a moment in time when I didn’t fear my dad. My earliest memories of him start with fear: fear of him coming home from work, fear of the games he wanted to play on us, fear of the fighting and wrestling matches he wanted me participating in, fear of his anger, temper, beatings and verbal criticism, and the list goes on. As I grew into the understanding of what my brother was doing to me sexually and its impact on me, I feared what my life would be like if anyone ever found out. Another fear I had was the fear of telling dad it hadn’t stopped and my brother would get a beating even worse than the one “I caused” when I told dad the first time at a younger age.

My adult years were gripped with the fear that my profession and my community would learn of my past and I’d lose my opportunity to be a part of education. What community or profession would want someone like me working in it? I write all of this demonstrating my fear of fear and my hatred for what it did to me.

My devotions were pointing out that fear of God is not like fear defined by man and continuously used by Satan. Fear of God is a reverence of Him. It is knowing God enough to surrender any of fleshes fear to Him knowing the love He has for you and me conquers any of fleshes fears. I don’t deal with fear as I have in my past, but I sure loved this message of today. It reminds me why I want to share my story so that others don’t need to deal with fear throughout their lives as I have. Our God conquers fear and motivates us beyond it!