I’m reminded today of God’s love and mercy. Along with this love and mercy He gives to us, He is extremely patient in waiting for us to receive it. I spent most of my life asking God to remove the vicious memories of my childhood abuse so I could “live freely”. Along with these memories I wanted Him to remove all of the tormenting temptations I had which entered in my life and added more shame to whom I thought I was. I couldn’t see or find God’s love and mercy for me when He was unwilling to act on my requests/pleas. Why would He want me to suffer all of it when I knew He didn’t treat anyone else this way?
As I’ve begun to share what I kept inside as my secrets I’ve found that the world is full of people holding secrets. They may not be secrets like my own, but the reason for not sharing them was driven by fear and shame just like mine were. When I share mine, they are willing to begin to share their own. Only then did I begin to find that freedom to “live freely”.
My definition for God’s love and mercy was to grant my pleas. Instead, God was wanting me to begin to respond to His Spirit’s nudges within me. Today, I understand much more fully this love and mercy of God which is fully accompanied with GRACE. It is received when I act on God’s nudges. God’s nudges are given for completing His Purposes. As I’ve awakened to all of this, my desire to share my past rather than hide it has changed completely. In sharing I find the great reward of watching God dismantle other’s shackles just as He has done my own!
It seems some of the messages I write get repeated over and over. Well, there is another one I want to hit upon today. This 90 day focus on one day at a time for finding real freedom from any struggle is a fundamental truth. It is simply impossible for the flesh to be so strong each and every day to never step into an area of struggle and stay clean from it. It is only from the Strength of God that this can be done and it can only be accomplished in the present day for which we are living. This connection to God calling Himself I AM is all about this.
It is easy to read the name I AM and know that it means right now. However, being awake to I AM when one is in the midst of the struggle’s tug is an entirely different thing. Becoming so focused on this truth is a growth any Christian needs to find. My word, I’ve been a Christian a very long time and I’m just now beginning to see this significance for the enormity it is! I’ve always wanted to be free of my past’s torments and from porn for my lifetime. Yet, only now do I begin to see the freedom of what I’ve longed for in today. I don’t need to worry that tomorrow may be a horrible temptation day. Tomorrow will be today when it arrives and I will have the power of I AM with me at that time.
Isn’t all of this AMAZING?! I hope I’m not boring you with these repeated messages, but as this fundamental truth sinks further into deep meaning for me, I want to share it just in case there is a reader needing the same deeper reality for themselves.
Today I’ve begun to start again the 90 day commitment to sobriety from porn using the book I’ve mentioned repeatedly in the past 90 days. When I started it 90 days ago I was wanting to mostly see if it was worthwhile to use with clients coming for counseling and with those coming to Celebrate Recovery. What I found most of all was how worthwhile it was for me.
It has been difficult for me to get the victim mentality out of my head as I’ve lived life. It was something I could use as a pacifier for selfish sinfulness. This whole thing I wrote about yesterday, using dad and my brother as my measuring stick for living right, is a perfect example of victim thinking. I’d never thought that through the way God has opened my mind to it now.
As I begin my new, daily walk through this 90 days, I am doing so as Earnie along side Jesus. My measuring stick is Jesus and His Word. I am so grateful for Him opening my eyes to this ugly root in me. How kind and gracious our Savior and Lord is as He teaches us how to live for Him one day at a time!
For 90 days I’ve been responding to the entries in the book I’ve mentioned numerous times: Freedom Starts Today. Today concludes this. The last day has one taking a look at what one was addressing during this time and the root of it. Porn has been a “thorn” for me every since I discovered it in my late 40’s on the internet. I’ve been able to forgive myself time and time again because if I did submit to it I was at least better than dad or my brother. They did real things that hurt. I just did this. I write about it and I talk about it. But in reality, what I saw in myself today was this pride of mine.
Every single time I’d try to salve the pain of guilt with that line–“at least I’m not like dad or my brother”–I was forgiving myself and gratifying my pride. This isn’t a new message for me, but today I saw the root of this pride in me. One just doesn’t earn goodness in Christ from prideful actions. God’s Mercy, Grace, Love, Forgiveness and so much more are GIFTS which are given from His nature, not something I’ve earned.
My goal in life has always been to be Christ-like. But, my measuring stick wasn’t Christ, it was dad and my brother. Today I let that go and confessed my sinful pride. My eyes are on Christ and Christ alone. I will need to do this daily, How faithful and loving our Savior and Lord Jesus Christ is!
“Be still and know that I AM GOD.” (Psalms 46:10) Today I’m fundamentally reminded to put this into place knowing that all I have on my plate is not for me to “fix”. I am a helper/servant to our Almighty God and He alone is the great healer. I know this well, but my emotional base will sometimes get into the way of what I know. It will want to drive me to try and fix something which isn’t mine to fix. If I do try and fix (which I’ve done many times in my past) it only breeds resentment and frustration from the other party.
For whatever reason, there have been an abundance of severe issues brought to the table of late. Taking each one individually and “remembering to help guide” by listening well and responding as needed and necessary, is my role. Reminding that God is the GREAT HEALER is something I need as well as the party involved. Helping them focus on this truth and laying their issue before God is critically important. Then, learning to put into action Isaiah 40:31, “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength….” is putting TRUST into action.
For me, in-between these sessions I need to put into my action the same Trust I try to help the other party find. I do this by remembering, “Be still and know that I AM GOD.”
Yesterday’s last counseling session left me in a level of shock and surrender. The session included two where one unexpectedly confessed to something which almost ended the session. We did continue after a moment of silence and refocusing. I prayed for God’s Light to begin penetrating the darkness of the confession. It was a tremendous reminder for me to surrender all of this to God. God’s Word is powerful and effective and these two need to hear from God.
My granddaughter left yesterday and arrived at her destination where she will live for an undetermined amount of time. We will stay in close contact and rejoice with her as she begins a new chapter(s) for her life. There are several things happening close to home for me which I need to continuously remember to surrender. All of them could easily consume my thoughts and actions, but I know that involvement would be counter productive. I am learning better than I ever have to Praise the Lord rather than to be anxious and fretful.
God is so AMAZING when we keep our focus on Him and Trust Him.
Today is a day where we send a granddaughter off to her new adventure. It isn’t something I would typically praise God that it’s happening, but for some reason only God knows, I can and do praise Him for it. She is ready and I’ve come to believe that God is truly in the midst of this.
I’ve written several times about my past practice of living in the future due to the living in the present was too painful. Today I’m better at living in the present and what is amazing is that I enjoy it. I also find that the freedom I want to know is found here–in the present. If I live in the future I can only hope there will be freedom there. The freedom I think I feel while in the future is only a disappointment because getting to the future always isn’t what I’d expected. Thus, living in today, putting my faith in God and not in man, allows God to provide His Peace which is the best freedom one could ever hope to have! God is so AMAZING!
I want to start this entry today Praising God! The issue I’ve written about the past couple of days is now brought totally into the Light of God. I have no idea what will transpire from here, but this is what needed to happen first so it can be addressed if those involved are willing. I marvel at the way God works! He never ceases to amaze me!
I went to see my prayer warrior Lois yesterday after church. She is no longer able to drive so she does “church” at home on-line. I wanted to tell her about this current issue and about a couple of new folks coming for counseling so she could be lifting them to the throne of Grace. While there she pulled out her journal to ask me about some of the earlier folks I’d started with almost a year ago now. She wanted to know how they were doing? I get so involved with the current folks I’m seeing I hadn’t done this reflection myself so it was fun to take this reflection walk. In every case, each of the individuals is doing well. A couple of them are doing exceptionally well. It is so amazing to take a moment and reflect. It is then one can see just how marvelous our God is!
Yesterday I wrote about an ugly issue. I included the scripture from Philippians 4:6-7 as my reminder to give the issue to God by prayer and petition with THANKSGIVING. I emphasize thanksgiving because after I’d concluded my devotional time, the song: “Praise The Lord” came to my mind and stayed. As I thought through the words I began to process the issue differently. The words are in part: When you’re up against a struggle that shatters all your dreams and your hopes have been cruelly crushed by Satan’s manifested schemes; and you feel the urge within you to submit to earthly fears; don’t let the faith you’re standing in seem to disappear–PRAISE THE LORD…!
Without going into details, by mid-morning God was already working. I simply stand amazed at what He does so caringly and lovingly. The issue is far from resolved, but the door is now open so the Light of God is shining into it. Darkness flees in LIGHT–God’s Light.
Man’s spirit is so different from God’s Holy Spirit. Learning to wait for God to work, trusting, believing, and praising Him while waiting is one of the biggest and hardest lessons I can learn and relearn over and over again. Yet, I never want to stop learning the importance of doing this. When God is at the helm nothing can stand in the way.
Today is one of those days where I’d like to spill my guts right here, but the circumstances behind it wouldn’t allow me to do so. Yesterday I wrote about man’s pride issues and its impact on me (us). Pride would want me to do things I’d regret later and waiting upon God becomes the most important thing I can do. My timing wants to get things resolved right now. However, God sees so much more than my set of human eyes can see and know, so trusting in His perfect timing is critical.
There is a peace in the midst of the storm. Philippians 4:6-7 says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Reminding myself to anchor into this scripture’s promise of peace is where I want to stay in today’s journey.
Earnie Lewis 