Yesterday I said God wanted me to know Him and trust Him.  He is putting this to the test.  I had done my lessons for tonight’s 7-Pillars class yesterday morning.  In it you tell how well your week went and if temptations came and how they were handled, etc.  I did all of that dismissing many thoughts I’d stuffed.  Yesterday I was troubled with temptations of a gay nature.  These are always haunting for me and I usually try to deal with them by getting busy and stuffing them and saying several panicked prayers.

I awoke a little before 2:00 am this morning unable to sleep and all of this was on my mind.  I got up and read through some very relevant materials in the book which accompanies the 7-Pillars curriculum.  So much of the struggle I have is that the gay thoughts make me think I am less of a man than others.  It makes me think I’m an abuser like my brother.  It goes to the core of what I believe a man is or should be.  I know this is also driven by my earthly father’s behaviors and actions towards me.  I have to bring this out in the open with the guys in our group tonight.  I have to know that men are ok with me being who I am.  The biggest thing is I have to be ok with who I am.  God led me this morning to think He is fine with me as He wants to use me to help others with similar struggles.  I want that too but I despise it and would change it in a heartbeat if possible.

I know God is wanting me to work through this character defect and not run from it this time.  I’m facing this giant and doing so with Jesus Christ.  I didn’t want this new creation that I am to have temptations like this, but, since I do I want to face them knowing Christ died for them too.  I’m not done processing this but I am convinced I have to face it this time.  To God be all Glory!