The Journey Continues: May 31, 2017

Yesterday’s admission/confession was painful and yet healing.  How many times does one have to go through this process to finally be free?  Is it something like 70×7?  This seems to be the number of times I have to forgive myself for being who I am.  Along with talking to the men last night in our 7-Pillars class, part of the assignment was to identify the masks we hide behind.  My most powerful mask has been “I’m OK”.  As all of last night did unfold I found that in spite of my need to tell all of this: gay thoughts, fears of being like my brother or dad, and more, I was still OK without the mask.  The shame I thought would overwhelm me was not present and instead, I was OK with no mask.  I know God wanted me to find this out.  Had I kept it hidden behind the mask I would still be tormented with the fears which have kept me paralyzed so much of my life.  God is so faithful and good–especially when we take the steps He outlines for us to take.  It was interesting to hear the other men tell their vulnerability and not hide behind their own mask/s.

Today is a new day.  I still feel raw from yesterday but I’m not needing to withdraw.  These feelings are hard for me to simply live with.  I’ve always steeled myself from them rather than allowing them to be felt and allowed in my present state.  The defect of hiding and stuffing must not return.  I’ll need to see how this all plays out during the day.  God is good–ALL THE TIME!

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