Today had a huge, yet simple message in it for me as I began my devotions.  First of all, yesterday I mentioned the conversation I was to have.  It was to take place at 12:30 pm.  They didn’t call so I called them only to have no answer. So, I left the message to return the call.  It didn’t happen.  I went early to the class last night hoping he would come early too.  He did.  As he walked in he said he’d not been able to call as he dropped his phone in their pool and it had died.  I then approached the subject needing addressed.  All went well and the outcome was just as God would want it.  I tell all of this because from 12:30 until 6:15 pm I was very prone to become fearful and anxious about this.  I knew I needed to trust God and the outcome was just as God wanted it along with another lesson for me–“don’t jump to conclusions when the details you created don’t come together.  Leave the detail completion to Me.”

Another lesson started in the class last night with 7-Pillars.  The topic of the lesson was Loving, Accepting, Forgiving.  It was entirely built on loving, accepting and forgiving who I am.  Only when we can do this are we able to be free to move forward fully in Christ’s work in our lives.  The scripture, Matthew 22:37-39 says “…we are to love our neighbor as ourselves.”  If I don’t love myself I will never fully accept or forgive myself.  The assignments in the lesson were very revealing.  I’ve been on the path of recovery long enough to know I need to do this more fully than I have.  The gifts of character given to me were not at all what my dad wanted me to have and I got plenty of abuse because of this.  However, God gave them to me on purpose and I needed to accept myself as complete in Christ and forgive myself for hating what I thought I needed to be.

In my scripture reading this morning I’m reading I Samuel 15 & 16. In it God has Samuel give specific instructions to King Saul.  Saul does following through partially with these instructions but only partially.  It becomes very clear that God is never OK with partial.  Obedience is completing God’s assignment fully.  As I read this today I began to awaken to a reality God wants me to now be fully awakened to.  A couple days ago I wrote about the lady in tears when I gave my testimony on Sunday.  I hadn’t see her in the crowd.  My words were, “When I’m speaking and very fearful, my eyes are open but all I see are the words I’m reading.  The ones in the audience I only see as ones being there.  I don’t see the individuals.”  I have done this all my life when I give talks to an audience.  The fear grips me.

As I was reading this about Saul this morning God made it clear that He no longer wants me hanging onto fear when I am delivering His message of His work in my life.  Fear blinds what He wants me seeing among those present.  Fear is an analgesic killing the pain I once knew from the abusive past but it also has its side effects which keep me blinded and disconnected to my environment.  The lady crying obviously identified with the message.  She did not come to talk to me.  I knew when I heard that she was there and crying I needed to go to her but it was too late.  I have been in situations just like this so many times when I needed someone to come to me when I was overcome with my past abuse but couldn’t bring myself to talk about it.  God wants me completing His assignment of not only telling my story, but following it up with those who need direction and encouragement.  I must say that realizing this has been very freeing.  I have always been driven to help the underdog.  Now realizing that my own fear has been restricting God’s Kingdom Work from happening more fully, I’ll be stronger for the right reason.

Tonight is chip night for our Celebrate Recovery.  I am going to take a day one chip for addressing this habit of allowing fear to dominate my actions.  Now that I’m awake to this I never want this to happen again.  A dear friend 10 years ago this month asked me when I would stop allowing fear to control who I am?  I couldn’t comprehend what he meant by that statement at the time.  Now, 10 years later, I fully understand what he meant.  I’m gong to call him today and tell him his insight is now seen and being addressed.

II Corinthians   5:9 says in part: “…we are constantly ambitious and strive earnestly to be pleasing to Him.”  I never want to allow fear to cripple what this “pleasing” looks like from this day forward.  I only want my obedience to be complete in fulfilling what God wants done as I join Him more fully than ever before.