I said yesterday that I had arisen early and done the 7-Pillars lesson.  It was all about dealing with the trauma of life.  As we were processing it last night in class, it was as though I was in the midst of my childhood trauma all over again.  My whole self simply went numb sensing this.  I know this “numb” well.  The paradoxical part of this was a statement in the book saying the Holy Spirit has a gracious aggression as He intercedes for us in this.  I was to respond to this.  I could only say that I never knew any gracious aggression during these times in my life.  I had only thought the “numb” I would feel was the Holy Spirit’s gift.  With the numb I could not feel the pain of dad’s words, abuse or Rich’s sexual abuse.

This morning I had to get to the core of this with God and with The Holy Spirit.  I knew there was a huge missing piece and I needed to know what it is/was.  As I began to process this I was feeling numb again.  In the narrative portion of the class it said to stay in tune with your body’s responses to the pain of the past.  Last night I felt it in my gut.  I was almost sick.  This morning I began to relive this again.  This time I was able to identity this sickness as my helplessness to stand up to dad.  To tell him that fighting my younger brother as entertainment was sickening to me.  I hated this with a passion.  I realized my hurt and anger needed to be told to dad.  I also needed to tell him that his bullying of me throughout my childhood was so disrespectful.  I wasn’t like him but that didn’t make me a girl.  Then I sensed The Holy Spirit telling me He would put this helplessness into the safe place we created when I was in therapy not so many years ago.

It was amazing to experience this healing moment this morning.  For the first time I can actually “think” about this instead of freeze up about it.  The Holy Spirit is now able to work with me in this realm of my past.  I’m so grateful!  As I face what use to be helplessness in my life, I think I will be better equipped to let the Holy Spirit’s gracious aggression take hold.  I’m most grateful for this.  I know this is the wake up.  There will be much more to grow through, but now I can get started.  The seed is planted.  To God be all Glory!