Yesterday morning I spent a couple hours with a friend of my daughter who has a history of childhood abuse. She is receiving the same therapy as I had a few years back. We were able to talk deeply about the fears, the frustrations, the anger, the bondage that grips us. However, it doesn’t need to stop there for God is a God of healing and yes, healing is for the abused too.
In the later part of our conversation I was asked by this friend if I were able to love myself? I instantly teared up. I told her I appreciated her question for I have always wanted to love myself but my dad’s voice still screams in my head when a topic like this would come forth. How could one love oneself when you were nothing but a disappointment to the most important man in your life and along with that, an attraction to a brother for sexual perversion? However, I knew the second I heard the question I was needing to address this personally for me. I thanked her for asking it and that I would need to spend some time with God regarding it. I told her I believe all of us suffering from childhood abuse intensely struggle with this question. It is part of what Satan grips tightly. If he can keep us thinking we are less than others, we will always be in bondage to others.
This morning as I brought this question to God He made it very clear that loving oneself is not arrogance. He said that flaunting oneself is arrogance. Loving oneself is the best boundary we have protecting us. Yes, it did get destroyed for me, but He was glad I was now ready to ask it. I was able to write that I do enjoy laughing at what is funny to me, reading what is interesting to me, talking deeply with people about issues needing to be unraveled, working in the soil and growing all that will grow in it and so much more. I love this and I do love this person called Earnie who does these things. I enjoy being me. As I was able to write this God brought the scripture to mind that says: “Love your neighbor as yourself….” Mark 12:30-31. At this point one more astounding thing happened, I heard my little Earnie tell me, welcome home. Once upon a time I had loved being me and today I will start the journey of being one with myself. I found this incredible, but it is, I know, where God wants me to be.