I have to admit that what I’ve been writing about the last couple days just doesn’t go away. I actually hoped that writing about it would cause it to be done. I have written earlier that I didn’t like so much reading the Psalms. They were too full of emotions. It didn’t matter who was writing each one of them, they were always pleading, praising, confessing, begging. I never wanted to be like this. I wanted to be a solid follower of Jesus who didn’t need to do all these emotional acts. The emotional acts reminded me always of my dad. I’ve also written many times that I’ve learned that dad cannot be my barometer for my walk with God, my “not being sinful”. If I thought I was doing better than dad I hoped I was pleasing God.
All of this is pretty much behind me now. However, in reading the Psalms now I find myself realizing all these emotions are also mine. I’m no longer in denial to them. My barometer for living each day has become Jesus Christ and His Holy Spirit lets me know when I’m needing to “step away” or “turn away”. In my inner heart, as David talks about, I’ve had a belief that I just couldn’t be good enough or clean enough for God’s Presence within me–His Holy Spirit. I didn’t want to read the Psalms for they talked too much about what I wanted to be in denial to. “Create in me a clean heart, Oh God, and renew a right Spirit within me.” Psalms 51:10. As I was reading this I had a picture come to my mind of me digging out the last of an old root system. The soil is now fertile and I was planting a healthy, vigorous plant in this new garden–my inner heart. This plant was replacing the deep roots of disbelief with the plant of self-love, self-appreciation and self-confidence. These were the very things my prayer warrior had prayed last summer for me. This is what “the right spirit within me” is. This is what God originally created in you and me at the beginning. Wow! Our God is so AMAZING!